Sunday, June 6, 2010

More pregnant than I've ever been

At approximately at this time of evening, this exact number of days into my pregnancy, I was arriving home from the hospital emergency room after spending the worst night of my life miscarrying our daughters. It was an experience I hope never to experience again. The miscarriage itself was alone traumatic, but doing so among the worst hospital staff I've ever encountered, lying there bleeding helplessly all over the place, while the staff around me refused to answer me because "the doctor would be in soon" (7 hours later!), while the worst nurse imaginable dug around in my arms for almost an hour trying to start an IV (for what, i still don't know), none understanding why I was freaking out so much because it was "so early" and we could "always try again" was beyond what I could handle. Honestly, it was the stuff that nightmares are made of. And I've tried not to think about it because reliving it was too awful. Each woman needs to make her own choice, but if God does take these babies (or any future ones), I don't want to go through the experience in a hospital again.

So all day long, I've sort of felt in a fog. I've felt a numbness for this day, and a genuine surprise that I am at the end of it without incident. It wasn't a conscious fear; I have absolutely no reason to suspect that this pregnancy will turn out like the last one. My medications are adjusted properly (unlike last time), I weigh less, I am eating right, my doctor is better skilled, and most importantly, these are different babies than the last ones, and God has a different plan for them. But still, the scar tissue is there and it was sort of always in my head. I am now more pregnant than I have ever been. And I'm at a loss to describe how I feel. I truly don't have any idea what tomorrow will look like. Pregnancy up til this point has been sort of familiar. But starting tomorrow, it's all uncharted water!

I am overwhelmed with gratitude to God for the length of time we've had with the babies and I pray that these are just the first of many, many days. But in a lot of ways, I feel like I just found out I'm pregnant all over again. Everything from here on out is completely foreign to me. I have a sense of bewilderment as I look toward tomorrow! I don't have anything super spiritual to say about it all... I'm just working through my feelings. I'm missing our girls. I'm excited that God has seen fit to continue this pregnancy. I'm a little bit nervous, despite the fact that my head knows Who is in charge. I'm exhilarated and terrified at the same time. I'm just processing through it all I guess. I know the Lord will sort through the thoughts and emotions with and for me, so I'm grateful that I can leave that up to Him because I feel like my head is spinning.

We had a nice day today. We went to church and were very late because morning sickness necessitated a stop (that's not a complaint-I actually love the reminder that something is really happening). Then we had a lunch fellowship time at the church and then we came home and napped a while. I went to the gym and had a nice long workout, spent the evening with DH and now we're on the way to bed.

I actually have to call my regular OB tomorrow and get on their calendar for my first prenatal visit. I figured I'd wait til after my ultrasound, but I was just looking at their website and they like to do their first visit at 8 weeks, which is the same week as the ultrasound, so I guess I need to schedule it! That feels surreal too--the prospect of leaving my RE and returning to a "normal" doctor is just so...sublime. After so many years of doing everything unconventionally, to know that in a few weeks, this will be treated like every other "normal" pregnancy sort of blows my mind.

I find myself rubbing my belly and talking to the babies all the time. I can't wait til I have something external to show for it so I don't just look like a fat lady who is clutching her tummy because she's eaten too much or is suffering from indigestion ;) But, it's so wonderful to know that they're going here and there and everywhere with me :)

I'd best get to bed. Goodnight everyone!


  1. Been thinking of you! Sorry I missed your return calls yesterday! I'll call as soon as I can. Praising God for these little lives!

  2. So excited for you! What an exciting time. I marked yesterday in my head and am so happy to see that you guys are safely and happily past that marker. Can't wait to see future posts! :)

  3. Congratulations on meeting and leaping over this major milestone!!!

  4. I am so excited for you right now! I can't tell you how happy reading your blog makes me right now . . . praying hard for you guys every time I read, too!

  5. Jen, obviously I too hope you never experience a miscarriage again. That said, if you ever do, you do NOT need to go to the hospital. There is nothing they can do there to stop a miscarriage that is already in progress. Your body will empty itself on its own, especially in an early miscarriage. If it later (like past 10-12 weeks or so) you can go to the hospital after its all over and have an ultrasound just to make sure there was no tissue retained. I have, sadly, way too much experience with this, and just wanted to pass it on so you never have a hospital nightmare again.

    Pat your tummy for me. :)

  6. such a heartfelt post. I remember after have 2 m/c and then getting PG with my dd, how each milestone in my PG was never taken for granted. Your 'rant & confession' post was so transparent and I know it reached others. I need to remember those words God gave you when if it is my time again, "I am the one Who sustains your pregnancy" Beautiful and comforting too. I am off to read your newest post. I have been trying to post to Blogger for our official announcement post, but guess what? Blogger posting is down and has been that way since yesterday! I will keep trying. : )

  7. You have reached a new milestone in this pregnancy - What a blessing! :)