I'm trying to take this pregnancy one day at a time and we are determined to celebrate it for as long as we have the babies...Monday will be the day we were at when we lost our girls, so I think I will feel better when we pass it.
I'm trying hard not to worry. My insurance only covers one beta. My ultrasound isn't until June 21. So I just have to hope/guess/assume that as long as there's no bleeding between now and then, that nothing is wrong. I wish they made home HCG tests! :D But God keeps telling me that I said I'm going to trust Him, and I need to do actually do that and it doesn't matter how many tests or check-ups I have or don't have. So, I'm trying to rest in that.
I don't FEEL really pregnant yet. I am really tired. [I also listed a couple other TMI symptoms] and I've gagged on two foods (spinach and plain yogurt) but other than that, I don't have a lot of symptoms. I'm focusing on counting that as a blessing, not a cause for worry.
Basically, I was a little bit afraid because I didn't really feel pregnant enough. I prayed about it a little, but honestly, not a lot. I didn't want to dwell on it and I didn't really ask for signs, because I actually don't want to be struggling with this. I just confessed to God that I am, and asked Him to handle it.
Ha! God has such a wonderful way of providing for my needs, even if He has a sense of humor while doing it.
This morning I got up and made our smoothie for breakfast, like I do every morning. (It's just pure fruit, plus some Whey powder, in the Vitamix--until recently, I included spinach, but see the aforementioned note about gagging on it). Today's smoothie was peaches and bananas--pretty innocuous, right? Wrong! In the very last swallow-full, I gagged and had to struggle not to throw it all back up (sorry for the TMI!). I proceeded to be nauseated for most of the rest of the day. I got a respite during the late afternoon enough for a little late lunch and a small dinner, and then it came back this evening. I've also had heartburn all evening (which I had a lot of in my first pregnancy), and some other areas of discomfort (the specification of which would be even less appropriate for polite company than those I've already mentioned) have increased tenfold.
CS Lewis once said that pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world. Well today, nausea and heartburn were God's megaphone to rouse a deaf Jen. It's as if He was yelling, "I told you, I've got this one. But since you seem to need a reminder, here you go." And it wasn't just a little sign...it was a big, old, honkin, God-sized, Bill Engval style "Here's your sign."
And that's the wonderful thing about God. His grace is so overwhelming. If we really believe His character is Truth, then His word should be sufficient. But He, in His everlasting compassion and generosity, reassures our doubting hearts and minds anyway, with signs of His continuing faithfulness. We see examples throughout scripture, with Moses, and Gideon, and Thomas, and countless others. In each instance, their human weakness caused them to doubt His power, and rather than being offended at their mistrust, He gently demonstrated His love. What an amazing picture!
Anyway, I promised DH that I'd be quick, but I just wanted to post about what He continues to do in our lives.
I don't have an update yet on my friend I posted about the other day, but please continue to pray.
Tomorrow, I get to have brunch with my dear friend Heather, who is also a Snowflake Mommy. I'm totally excited and grateful for the opportunity for fellowship. Then my friend Brenda is coming over to hang out and scrapbook, and my friend from Sweden comes to visit next week, so I'm just being pampered all around by God's love, as shown through His people. Fellowship is such a wonderful gift, don't you think?
Lastly, I've been part of a scrapbooking message board for almost 7 years. While there are a a lot of amazing people on it, over the years I've pulled away because there's a certain sector of people who anonymously and viciously target other members on an offsite blog. I've been one of their favorite targets (mostly for being outspokenly Christian and politically conservative, and for being overweight. They pick on my DH too, which proves they're just plain crazy, since he's the most amazing man I know). I did post when I was pregnant before, and when I miscarried, and I was the subject of a lot of cruel comments.
I hesitated posting again, for that reason. It kills me to know that someone somewhere might make unkind comments about our children. But, I also have a tremendous heart for spreading the word about Embryo Adoption, and about God's overwhelming love and mercy in our story. He reminded me of those things today, so I took the plunge and posted about our pregnancy and our testimony of God's love. Anyway, no one on the board itself has said anything unkind today. (Through other means, I can tell that things are likely being said elsewhere on the net, but I've willfully not read them).
The post itself has lead to a wonderful discussion wherein lots of people have asked me questions about Embryo Adoption, including a woman who needs to make a decision about what to do with her frozen embryos and was very intrigued by what I shared. The thread has been viewed nearly 4,000 times. Even if only half of those are unique hits, that's 2,000 people who read about Embryo Adoption today. I'm so grateful that God is able to work beyond my fear and pride, and enable me to testify to His greatness. I'm grateful that He is using me to spread the word about something so near to my heart. He's already using these babies for His mighty purpose of spreading His glory. How awesome. Even when I am tempted to doubt their presence here, He is using their lives to tell His story of love.
And, nearly 200 people posted replies, all positively, and it warms this mommy's heart to know our babies have so many cheerleaders and prayer warriors (all of you included). We are truly blessed!
Our cup runneth over.