Meltdown

This is completely embarrassing and humbling to confess, but in the interest of authenticity, I'm going to put it out there anyway. My walk with God is not always the strong and confident one I want it to be.

One of the medications I take for this pregnancy is fairly expensive. But, my copay is the same whether the prescription is for 1 day or 30. The first prescription was written for 2 weeks. So I filled it, and then when we did get pregnant, I asked my doctor for a 1 month prescription, so that I could maximize my copay. He gladly obliged. With our insurance, you can get medication less expensive through mail order. I only take this medication every other day, so I mailed it away with plenty of time to spare. The other prescription I filled at the same time came without issue and in plenty of time, so I figured this one would soon follow.

At 5:00pm last night (a Friday night) they called to tell me that they were out of stock of the medication, indefinitely. Last night was my last dose of it, so I asked them to transfer to prescription to a local pharmacy (our mail order service and our brick and mortar pharmacy are both Walgreens). The first 3 people told me they couldn't help me and that I just needed to call my doctor for a new prescription. I explained to them that they'd waited til 5:00 on a Friday night to call me, and the doctor's office was already closed for the weekend (and he doesn't have a paging service). I continued to escalate the call until the pharmacist, who works EST hours but who is in the next town over, told me that if I went to the local pharmacy, the pharmacist there could call him and he would verify that it was a legitimate prescription and they could fill it. He said he'd be there another 25 minutes-great! He also said he'd be there today til 2:00pm EST. We jumped in the car and drove the 2 miles away. But when we got there and they tried to call him, he'd gone for the day. I promise, it didn't take us 25 minutes to drive 2 miles. But, he was gone. And this particular pharmacy was out of stock of the medication. So they called a third pharmacy, who did indeed have it, and we explained the situation. The pharmacy there said that they would call all morning today to try to get the pharmacist on the phone and fill it. They're a 24 hour location, so I figured they'd have no problem meeting the EST deadline.

Despite my stressing the importance of the medication and the fact that I didn't have any more was beyond my control, the pharmacist basically called, left a message, and then washed his hands of the situation. When I arrived to pick the medicine up, he told me "tough luck." He said he couldn't help me because it was a weekend and then suggested I call my doctor. I laughed at and pointed out the irony of his statement.

I couldn't understand why the written prescription is in their company possession, the man with authorization to fill it is in the next town over, and they couldn't communicate with each other.

I totally lost it. By God's grace, I didn't lose my temper and I was polite but firm with the man when I told him they had royally messed this up and that a voicemail or two was not sufficient effort to correct a problem his company created when they knew I needed this medication but I was a puddle of tears with worry. I just sat down in the store and cried. And cried some more. And then I cried because I was crying. And I was angry at myself for being angry. And then I was stressed out that I had made myself too stressed out. All the while, God kept telling me "The medication doesn't keep you pregnant, I do." But though I kept repeating that in my head and out loud to myself, I just couldn't settle down. I guess you could say it was my first major episode with hormones but I hate that answer. I hated that I couldn't get a control over my emotions and allow the truth to govern. I let my emotions totally contradict the truths I've been clinging to.

It persisted for quite a while-being upset at the situation, then being upset at myself for being upset, and around and around it went.

It's 11:51 pm. In a few minutes it will be Sunday. Sunday will be the same length into pregnancy that we were when I miscarried. That's sort of been haunting me all week and I think that played into it, too. So then I had myself convinced that my meltdown was going to induce a miscarriage, and I was just a big stinking mess. I think I'll breath a sigh of relief when we make it to Monday.

My dear sweet friend Jan is moving away. They were supposed to leave first thing this morning, but their car broke down. DH spent the day fixing it, and as a result, I got to spend several hours with her. I think the whole arrangement was a God-thing. If the problem had happened with their car any later, they'd have been on the road somewhere between here and Colorado, stranded. And as a result of the two guys being tied to the car all day, we got some time and she was able to talk some sense into me. She gently, and then when I argued, not-so-gently, told me to confess, repent, and get over it and myself. I couldn't keep dwelling on the fact that I screwed up.

How crafty is it of the devil? Even when the Lord puts our sins as far as the east is from the west, the devil hangs our shame over us and binds it to it, as though our judgment is somehow more just and accurate than that of the Savior of the World. And self-flagellation feels almost sort of Holy. But it's not. Therein lies the bigger issue, (though I believe that all sins are ontologically, the same). Yes, I freaked out and allowed my worry and emotions to override my trust in the Lord. But then I made a liar out of the One who promises forgiveness by remaining chained to that first sin. But, God is so wonderful. He even forgives that, though I didn't deserve either pardon. How marvelous and generous He is! I praise Him for His forgiveness and mercy. And I praise Him for holding these babies in His hand, because I clearly am not very good at this. And I'm so grateful for the extra time I had with Jan and the truth she so consistently speaks into my life.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted, so I came home and slept for 2 hours, and things continue to be normal on the baby front (well as far as I can tell). I am missing my girls tonight, which makes carrying their sibling(s) bittersweet. But the fact that we have them here still is great cause for rejoicing so my heart is just a little bit conflicted. Praise Him for knowing that and loving me still.

I can take a shot tomorrow instead to make up for the medication I'm missing (I normally alternate every other day) and then I'll call the doctor on Monday and ask for a new prescription to be called in somewhere else.

Church comes early so I'd best get to bed. I'm praising God that His memory (of my sin) is short, and His mercy is boundless.

I've been worshiping to this song tonight--I hope it encourages you, too. Goodnight!