Monday, November 23, 2009

Happy Birthday, Lucy and Mary

Hi Friends,

Hope you all are well! We are doing well. We are on track to proceed with the transfer for December 2nd. We have one final ultrasound on Tuesday, wherein they will check to make sure my uterine lining is thick enough for (an) embryo(s) to burrow into. I finished the really awful drug and the new set has been much easier, undoubtedly because it's something the body is supposed to produce, rather than something artificial designed to stop the body from working how it should. Assuming the ultrasound goes well, we will start the last round of meds this week, including the big honkin needles that we'll inject in my bum every day; about this, I'm still freaking out. Thankfully, a sweet nurse friend at church has volunteered to help me with them as often as I need her. Another good friend has also offered to help, but mostly because I think he likes being a pain in my butt. We passed on his offer. :P

College roomie and her hubby and daughter stayed with us this weekend, which was great fun.

We had a really wonderful morning of fellowship at church. I'm teaching the 4s and 5s. I've been out of the classroom a long time, partially due to some experiences at our last church, partially due to overall burnout, and partially due to IF stuff, when my heart was just too broken to minister to other children while missing my own. But, praise be to God, my heart is really at a place where it can handle being with the kidlets regularly, and I am so grateful. I have 4 little boys in my class, which also concerned me a bit at first because of course, I am a girl, so it's easier to know how to teach things in manners they would enjoy. But I've enjoyed tapping in to my creativity to reach out to these boys--I pray something is getting through to them. They are certainly teaching me! I'd forgotten how much I really loved doing this.

The love of my life is tall, blond and handsome. But a short, dark-haired little cutie pie has me wrapped around his little finger! We've been spending a lot of time with some friends from church (the husband being said enjoyer-of-being-a-pain-in-my-bum!) and they have 3 darling children. Their middle child and I especially have a special bond. God has used him to teach me and remind me of so many things.

In my younger years, I was around children constantly. I taught Pre-Kindergarten. My degree is in Children's Ministry and at one time I was involved in every Children's Program the church I attended at the time offered. I lived and breathed being with children.

But for several years now, I've had to protect my heart and I stayed away from children and activities related to them. My longing and grief was just too great. As God has healed my heart, children have again become a source of joy again I had forgotten how much you can learn about God (and about ourselves) through the eyes and heart of a child, especially the eyes and heart of this particular precious little one, who loves unconditionally, trusts wholeheartedly, and is full of the faith and joy of a pure and innocent child. His sloppy "puppy dog" kisses, his big hugs, his little smile that lights of the room and his great big, joyful heart serve constant reminder of Him who is our Greatest Love. I'm so grateful for the opportunity God has given us to grow nearer to this dear family.

We had Hymn-sing Sunday at church this morning. Call me old-fashioned, but Hymn-Sings are always my favorite Sundays. So many hymns have such rich, God-centered, God magnifying theology, unlike much of the more contemporary, Jesus-is-my-boyfriend type music. A sweet high school gal with the voice of an angel sang a song with the "punchline" (sorry, I don't know the musical term!) "How can I keep from singing?" today. This is how my heart feels after a morning in fellowship with our dear church family, especially on Hymn Sing Sunday. If any of you dear readers lack a church home, please earnestly consider seeking God to direct you to one!

One reason my heart sings tonight is that today (Sunday, though this post may show up as Monday) marks my baby girls' first birthday in Heaven. What blessed lives they must live! A year ago today was one of the darkest days of my life, as I lay in a hospital bed, bleeding, distraught and helpless as they slipped away from me. To think of the actual evening is overwhelming. So much went wrong with the course of events and the "care" I received. But what happened when our girls woke up in Heaven was absolutely perfect. They saw the Face that the rest of us can still only long to see. The only Home they've ever known is flawless. They'll only ever be with their Perfect Father, rather than suffering the mistakes we were bound to have made as their parents on earth. I miss them so much, but they are in a place where they miss nothing. And my soul rejoices for God's mercy and goodness toward them! Thank you, Sweet Abba, for giving us those sweet babies for a time, and for loving them more than we ever could. Thank you for preparing your Home for them and thank you for healing my heart to a place where I can truly rejoice that they are with you.

The other reason I sing is that until just before bed tonight, I had even forgotten that today was the 22nd. That sounds terrible. I've thought about the approaching day many times over the past month and week. And I expected it to be a tumultuous, upsetting day. I had sort of braced myself for the worst.

It sounds terrible to say that I forgot the date, but I think it's truly indicative of the miraculous healing God has done in our hearts. So many times over the last year I've mourned our girls. But now, including today, I celebrate them with my whole heart, and moreover, the Creator who made them. Because that mourning has been laid to rest (admittedly, maybe just for now; perhaps God will unearth new dirt in this territory another time), it didn't occur to me that today was a day to be sad. I also don't miss them anymore today than any other day so in that regard, today was just a date on the calendar. I will always miss them. But they are with our Perfect God, and for that reason alone I can't truly want what's best for them and still wish them back here with me! I guess you could say I'm a bad mommy for forgetting the date, but my God is good and I believe that this "forgetfulness" was His gift to me. And what a sweet, sweet day of fellowship and love He gave us instead.

And I am so thankful for a sweet friend who did remember the date, and sent me a sweet note. Thank you, sweet friend, for remembering and honoring them.

Goodnight, Baby Girls. Happy Heavenly Birthday. I love you. And I miss you. I can't wait for the day when we will see you. Continue to rest with Sweet Jesus until we can hold you.

Thanks, dear friends. Love to you all!

Thursday, November 5, 2009


God has been so generous as to give us a sense of renewal and freedom in the past few days. I can't explain it, but I feel like so much is changing for the better.

Monday was the 1 year anniversary of our last transfer. I thought about our girls and was thankful for the short time we had with them here. I remember the journal I kept-I am hoping to get it out and read it this week. I thought about the joy and the anticipation of their arrival and I am finally starting to feel that stirring in my soul again. By God's grace, it no longer feels like there is this unspoken place of fear or dread. I'm finally starting to feel hopeful about the next transfer. I still have worries about the medications and the money and the thawing and transfer, but they're now reasonable in scope, and extend only as far as personal responsibility does. The gripping fear has been replaced by the Peace that passes understanding.

My dear friend Amie has just given birth--congratulations, sweet friend!

The last few days have been an adventure around here. Yesterday, we made the decision to cancel all cable TV. We were paying entirely too much to get 200 channels, when we realistically only watched 3 or 4. Our favorite shows are all available online for free on their network websites, and the rest of the time, we just would turn the TV on for something to do, something to fill the air space, something to pass the time. It was so refreshing last night... we just up and decided to go out and have frozen yogurt...because we could. Because we're no longer operating in 1 hour increments ("let's wait until this show is over, dear....") . It was nice. We had a spontaneous date night. We both got some reading done. I vacuumed for the third time this week (huge for me!). The house was clean when we went to bed. This morning I already have dinner in the crock pot and we planted our garden (spinach, green onions and lettuce-3 of our favorite veggies). Already, we've regained so much time and accomplished so many things.

We really thought we had the Piggy Flu this week. I had breakfast with a dear friend last week and the next day (or two days later?), she was diagnosed with the Flu. Three days later, DH and I both started feeling the symptoms often associated with it. We both slept most of the day Tuesday and rested much of yesterday. Today, we're both venturing back to work. I really think that God just protected us. There's every reason this should have turned ugly. Instead, He gave us much needed 2 days of rest. We're both a little tired and sniffly still, but we're leaps and bounds better than we were.

We paid off about 1/3 of our debt today! We made some bad choices and got into bad habits last year, and incurred debt--some for good reasons, but most just from carelessness. God is teaching me a lot about peace and trust. We had to dip into and drain much of our emergency fund to pay the debt. At any time before, that would have created a lot of stress and worry in me. But now, there's a freedom that comes in trusting Him to provide for us. We're still convicted about personal responsibility and therefore left a little in reserve, but for the rest we have to rely solely on Him who clothes the lilies and feeds the birds. It's remarkably freeing. I've always struggled with trusting with abandon, getting too wrapped up in notions of what part I thought we had to play in this. How marvelous that He overcomes my worries and thoughts and fearful heart!

I'm finally starting to feel a bit better, though this week we stop one medication, to start another next week. I would sure appreciate your prayers that the transition is smooth and I don't have another long adjustment period!

We received the contracts for the new clinic. There was a little bit of ambiguous language in them, that if I were litigious, would give me cause for concern. But after talking to them and to another Snowflake Mommy (who was one of their patients), I think this is another area God is growing me in trust. I can't dot every "i" and cross every "t" and itemize everything line by line and think of every "what if." I just have to trust that our babies are in their Creator's hands, and that He brought us to this doctor for a reason. I have to trust their heart and their words and believe they mean and will honor what they say, even if the language in the document isn't as specific as I would like it to be. That's difficult for me. But, I can't approach this with the fearful heart of a mommy. I have to be patient like a trusting daughter. And again, the freedom, the burden lifted from my heart, is remarkable and can only be attributed to Him who tells us to come to Him, all we who are weary and heavy-laden. I rejoice knowing that our children are in far more capable hands than my own!

I would love to write more but if I don't stop now, I'll be late for work. Love to all of you, dear friends!

27 days and counting!...