Monday, November 23, 2009

Happy Birthday, Lucy and Mary

Hi Friends,

Hope you all are well! We are doing well. We are on track to proceed with the transfer for December 2nd. We have one final ultrasound on Tuesday, wherein they will check to make sure my uterine lining is thick enough for (an) embryo(s) to burrow into. I finished the really awful drug and the new set has been much easier, undoubtedly because it's something the body is supposed to produce, rather than something artificial designed to stop the body from working how it should. Assuming the ultrasound goes well, we will start the last round of meds this week, including the big honkin needles that we'll inject in my bum every day; about this, I'm still freaking out. Thankfully, a sweet nurse friend at church has volunteered to help me with them as often as I need her. Another good friend has also offered to help, but mostly because I think he likes being a pain in my butt. We passed on his offer. :P

College roomie and her hubby and daughter stayed with us this weekend, which was great fun.

We had a really wonderful morning of fellowship at church. I'm teaching the 4s and 5s. I've been out of the classroom a long time, partially due to some experiences at our last church, partially due to overall burnout, and partially due to IF stuff, when my heart was just too broken to minister to other children while missing my own. But, praise be to God, my heart is really at a place where it can handle being with the kidlets regularly, and I am so grateful. I have 4 little boys in my class, which also concerned me a bit at first because of course, I am a girl, so it's easier to know how to teach things in manners they would enjoy. But I've enjoyed tapping in to my creativity to reach out to these boys--I pray something is getting through to them. They are certainly teaching me! I'd forgotten how much I really loved doing this.

The love of my life is tall, blond and handsome. But a short, dark-haired little cutie pie has me wrapped around his little finger! We've been spending a lot of time with some friends from church (the husband being said enjoyer-of-being-a-pain-in-my-bum!) and they have 3 darling children. Their middle child and I especially have a special bond. God has used him to teach me and remind me of so many things.

In my younger years, I was around children constantly. I taught Pre-Kindergarten. My degree is in Children's Ministry and at one time I was involved in every Children's Program the church I attended at the time offered. I lived and breathed being with children.

But for several years now, I've had to protect my heart and I stayed away from children and activities related to them. My longing and grief was just too great. As God has healed my heart, children have again become a source of joy again I had forgotten how much you can learn about God (and about ourselves) through the eyes and heart of a child, especially the eyes and heart of this particular precious little one, who loves unconditionally, trusts wholeheartedly, and is full of the faith and joy of a pure and innocent child. His sloppy "puppy dog" kisses, his big hugs, his little smile that lights of the room and his great big, joyful heart serve constant reminder of Him who is our Greatest Love. I'm so grateful for the opportunity God has given us to grow nearer to this dear family.

We had Hymn-sing Sunday at church this morning. Call me old-fashioned, but Hymn-Sings are always my favorite Sundays. So many hymns have such rich, God-centered, God magnifying theology, unlike much of the more contemporary, Jesus-is-my-boyfriend type music. A sweet high school gal with the voice of an angel sang a song with the "punchline" (sorry, I don't know the musical term!) "How can I keep from singing?" today. This is how my heart feels after a morning in fellowship with our dear church family, especially on Hymn Sing Sunday. If any of you dear readers lack a church home, please earnestly consider seeking God to direct you to one!

One reason my heart sings tonight is that today (Sunday, though this post may show up as Monday) marks my baby girls' first birthday in Heaven. What blessed lives they must live! A year ago today was one of the darkest days of my life, as I lay in a hospital bed, bleeding, distraught and helpless as they slipped away from me. To think of the actual evening is overwhelming. So much went wrong with the course of events and the "care" I received. But what happened when our girls woke up in Heaven was absolutely perfect. They saw the Face that the rest of us can still only long to see. The only Home they've ever known is flawless. They'll only ever be with their Perfect Father, rather than suffering the mistakes we were bound to have made as their parents on earth. I miss them so much, but they are in a place where they miss nothing. And my soul rejoices for God's mercy and goodness toward them! Thank you, Sweet Abba, for giving us those sweet babies for a time, and for loving them more than we ever could. Thank you for preparing your Home for them and thank you for healing my heart to a place where I can truly rejoice that they are with you.

The other reason I sing is that until just before bed tonight, I had even forgotten that today was the 22nd. That sounds terrible. I've thought about the approaching day many times over the past month and week. And I expected it to be a tumultuous, upsetting day. I had sort of braced myself for the worst.

It sounds terrible to say that I forgot the date, but I think it's truly indicative of the miraculous healing God has done in our hearts. So many times over the last year I've mourned our girls. But now, including today, I celebrate them with my whole heart, and moreover, the Creator who made them. Because that mourning has been laid to rest (admittedly, maybe just for now; perhaps God will unearth new dirt in this territory another time), it didn't occur to me that today was a day to be sad. I also don't miss them anymore today than any other day so in that regard, today was just a date on the calendar. I will always miss them. But they are with our Perfect God, and for that reason alone I can't truly want what's best for them and still wish them back here with me! I guess you could say I'm a bad mommy for forgetting the date, but my God is good and I believe that this "forgetfulness" was His gift to me. And what a sweet, sweet day of fellowship and love He gave us instead.

And I am so thankful for a sweet friend who did remember the date, and sent me a sweet note. Thank you, sweet friend, for remembering and honoring them.

Goodnight, Baby Girls. Happy Heavenly Birthday. I love you. And I miss you. I can't wait for the day when we will see you. Continue to rest with Sweet Jesus until we can hold you.

Thanks, dear friends. Love to you all!

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