God has been so generous as to give us a sense of renewal and freedom in the past few days. I can't explain it, but I feel like so much is changing for the better.
Monday was the 1 year anniversary of our last transfer. I thought about our girls and was thankful for the short time we had with them here. I remember the journal I kept-I am hoping to get it out and read it this week. I thought about the joy and the anticipation of their arrival and I am finally starting to feel that stirring in my soul again. By God's grace, it no longer feels like there is this unspoken place of fear or dread. I'm finally starting to feel hopeful about the next transfer. I still have worries about the medications and the money and the thawing and transfer, but they're now reasonable in scope, and extend only as far as personal responsibility does. The gripping fear has been replaced by the Peace that passes understanding.
My dear friend Amie has just given birth--congratulations, sweet friend!
The last few days have been an adventure around here. Yesterday, we made the decision to cancel all cable TV. We were paying entirely too much to get 200 channels, when we realistically only watched 3 or 4. Our favorite shows are all available online for free on their network websites, and the rest of the time, we just would turn the TV on for something to do, something to fill the air space, something to pass the time. It was so refreshing last night... we just up and decided to go out and have frozen yogurt...because we could. Because we're no longer operating in 1 hour increments ("let's wait until this show is over, dear....") . It was nice. We had a spontaneous date night. We both got some reading done. I vacuumed for the third time this week (huge for me!). The house was clean when we went to bed. This morning I already have dinner in the crock pot and we planted our garden (spinach, green onions and lettuce-3 of our favorite veggies). Already, we've regained so much time and accomplished so many things.
We really thought we had the Piggy Flu this week. I had breakfast with a dear friend last week and the next day (or two days later?), she was diagnosed with the Flu. Three days later, DH and I both started feeling the symptoms often associated with it. We both slept most of the day Tuesday and rested much of yesterday. Today, we're both venturing back to work. I really think that God just protected us. There's every reason this should have turned ugly. Instead, He gave us much needed 2 days of rest. We're both a little tired and sniffly still, but we're leaps and bounds better than we were.
We paid off about 1/3 of our debt today! We made some bad choices and got into bad habits last year, and incurred debt--some for good reasons, but most just from carelessness. God is teaching me a lot about peace and trust. We had to dip into and drain much of our emergency fund to pay the debt. At any time before, that would have created a lot of stress and worry in me. But now, there's a freedom that comes in trusting Him to provide for us. We're still convicted about personal responsibility and therefore left a little in reserve, but for the rest we have to rely solely on Him who clothes the lilies and feeds the birds. It's remarkably freeing. I've always struggled with trusting with abandon, getting too wrapped up in notions of what part I thought we had to play in this. How marvelous that He overcomes my worries and thoughts and fearful heart!
I'm finally starting to feel a bit better, though this week we stop one medication, to start another next week. I would sure appreciate your prayers that the transition is smooth and I don't have another long adjustment period!
We received the contracts for the new clinic. There was a little bit of ambiguous language in them, that if I were litigious, would give me cause for concern. But after talking to them and to another Snowflake Mommy (who was one of their patients), I think this is another area God is growing me in trust. I can't dot every "i" and cross every "t" and itemize everything line by line and think of every "what if." I just have to trust that our babies are in their Creator's hands, and that He brought us to this doctor for a reason. I have to trust their heart and their words and believe they mean and will honor what they say, even if the language in the document isn't as specific as I would like it to be. That's difficult for me. But, I can't approach this with the fearful heart of a mommy. I have to be patient like a trusting daughter. And again, the freedom, the burden lifted from my heart, is remarkable and can only be attributed to Him who tells us to come to Him, all we who are weary and heavy-laden. I rejoice knowing that our children are in far more capable hands than my own!
I would love to write more but if I don't stop now, I'll be late for work. Love to all of you, dear friends!
27 days and counting!...