I don't know why, but I was really, really nervous going into this appointment. I was feeling so remarkably better, the blood I had the other day was bright red, and I was having some pains. I was dreading the appointment, for sure that I'd hear the worst. I don't know why-I wasn't like that last night, and every other ultrasound has given us every reason to think that everything was fine, but I still was growing in fear.
Would you pray with me? I feel my fear growing. I thought it would lessen as the pregnancy went on, but as I get more attached to this baby, as I get to experience more with him or her, as he or she starts resembling a baby more and more, I'm more cognizant of how difficult it would be to lose him or her now. The genetic mom had a miscarriage at this point in pregnancy. My sweet friend was farther along than I am and just lost her baby. I don't know--I just feel so much fear. I'm trying to leave it at the cross and I really have no reason to think that there is anything wrong, but I'd appreciate your intercession that this fear be taken from me because I'm weak and don't think I can give it up on my own.
The rest of this is TMI but I'm posting it for the benefit of other women who may google these symptoms. (My older relatives must think I'm terribly immodest for posting such things for all the world to read! I guess 6 years of everyone poking and prodding in your ladyparts and innermost thoughts kind of removes your bashfulness! My apologies if I offend you and please don't think of me as too terribly impolite).
The good news is that baby is just fine. He determined I have a friable cervix, which is not to be confused with a frYable cervix (which is what I thought he said at first! ;) )
From googling the explanation I find is that my cervix gland cells are exposed rather than protected by the cervix skin cells. That means that my cervix is easily irritated and bleeds easily. I'm experiencing it now because of the increased blood flow to the region, but anything from exercise, to sex, to an exam, to other high activity can just agitate it and cause me to bleed a little. From what I understand, women with more severe cases of this bleed all the time, but mine seems to be just with the extra blood flow from the pregnancy. What he said is that it's nothing to be concerned about and how much I limit my activity is up to me and how much I want to deal with it. He tells me to just gauge based on my stress level--he doesn't want my stress levels elevated at all but if I can deal with the bleeding and not stress, then I don't need to restrict myself at all. So if you have this condition, breath easier!
He said that now he won't be concerned if I have more spotting so he won't call me in anymore unless something dramatically changes. So that means no more peeks at baby for a while.
He did do an ultrasound today, and it was my first external one--you know, jelly on the belly, little handheld wand running over your tummy, etc. Because I'm heavy (so the waves have to penetrate more) and because baby is so small still (a lot of times they'd still do an internal ultrasound at this point) and because he discovered today that baby is also sitting at the back of my uterus (which is tilted backwards), the image quality is really crummy. Honestly, I can't hardly make anything out. I was really hoping for an internal ultrasound (who hopes for one of those?) because baby is really starting to look like a baby now. I think he was staying away from it to prevent more bleeding. So, we still have our cute little blob instead.
He didn't even really show us this ultrasound. Hubby and I both took a peek, but we couldn't make out anything. We couldn't even see the flicker of the heartbeat this time, which totally freaked me out, but the doctor was able to find and measure it some other way using a reading of the soundwaves rather than an image of them. He said that's no reason to be concerned-it's just because it was early and baby is buried deep. The heart rate was 174 and baby measures 2cm. We've graduated from mm to cm! :)
He also put me back at 9w1d (I guess developmentally?), even though baby is measuring at 8w5d in size, which I totally don't understand but it means I get to rollover another week on the countdown calculator, a couple days early! :)
He also said that the reason I'm feeling so significantly better is because my progesterone dosage was cut in half by the RE at the time of our appointment with him-which is precisely when I started to feel better. So that encouraged me that 1) my decrease in symptoms is not cause for concern and 2)in two weeks when I go off it completely, hopefully I'll feel even better, still!
I think the next couple weeks of "going dark" will be a good exercise in my faith. I really am grateful to God for all these reassurances and I know I've had a lot more glimpses than I should have, but I also don't want to be dependent on them to tell me that all is well. I want to continue to look for the Lord for that. I know these have been His gifts to me but I want to focus on the Giver, not the gifts, so I'm praying He grows me in these next few weeks of silence.
Thanks for such a great discussion in the comments on my last post. I hope I didn't offend anyone and I appreciate the many different perspectives all of you offered. You are all such terrific moms, and you're all so very different from each other, so I love having the beauty of the mosaic of differences. This is one way the body CAN be so beautiful and you all show me that regularly. I have much to learn from each of you!
Love to you all...