Sunday, December 27, 2009

Checking in, more thoughts, and thanks for the kindness of "strangers"

Howdy, folks!

I pray you all had a blessed, Merry Christmas!

We got through Christmas and fared a little better than I had expected to. The rest of my birthday ended up going ok-we had a great dinner with my sister-in-law and her hubby, my parents and my brother and that was great fun. We spent Christmas Eve with our church family and Christmas day with my family. Both occasions were also a blessing to us. My sister-in-law was in town briefly, which was a great source of joy for us (the visit, not the brevity ;) ) Their visits are always too short and too far apart.

All independently of each other (and most all without reading this blog), the friends I mentioned from the party in my last post all reached out to us, which was of great comfort to our hearts.

On Monday a package arrived from one of the party guests-the only guest we did not know, as he was the relatively new boyfriend of one of the party goers. We'd not yet had a chance to meet him until the party. We met him and liked him very much but after the party, he was still relatively a stranger since we'd only interacted with him a couple of hours.

When the package came, I thought it was a Christmas ornament for my hubby. (They bonded over this shotgun toting Santa ornament from our game that night). The package was addressed to DH so I gave it to him and went on my merry way. A few minutes later, he came to me with a box and a letter. The letter was a incredibly touching, beautiful letter from said friend about us and our Snowflakes.

Inside the box was this:

One of the hardest parts of a miscarriage or early pregnancy loss is the feeling that the world around you doesn't really know/care/or is affected by the fact that your children existed. They're gone before anyone ever got to know them. There is no funeral or headstone. There are no memories of them. They're just here one day, and gone the next. And life just goes on around you. It's a hard place to be in. Some days I just want to stand up and scream, "my babies were here. I love them. They MATTER!"

I don't think James will ever know what a gift he gave us in acknowledging and remembering our babies with us--all of whom were lost before he even met us. We had given our moms snowflake pendants like mine a couple of years ago for mother's day. Mine was exposed to something that ruined it, and we've not been able to replace it. So on top of the sweet sentiment, it was also a gift to have a pendent again. It honors me when I see our moms wearing theirs...and I feel like I'm honoring our babies when I wear mine. I'd felt quite naked without one, so I am grateful to have one again. So, dear James, thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

This is a season of both joy and mourning for us. We're missing our babies terribly. I miss the girls something fierce, and the loss associated with our newest two babies is something altogether different, and dealing with both simultaneously is difficult.

Due to some fraud committed by the company who used to insure my hubby's employer, and some of that company's clients, we now have a couple thousand dollars in medical bills (from things from this past summer which were supposed to be paid by the insurance)...which has created a stress from the money standpoint but moreover, it's postponed another transfer indefinitely because we don't have the money to pay these bills and pay for another transfer. Considering another transfer is also a couple of thousand dollars, the prospects of any attempts in the near future is bleak. It kills me that not only have we waited 6 years already (January marks the anniversary of when we first started trying), but now we will wait longer through no fault of our own, because someone else (well, lots of someone elses) was unethical. So, I'm discouraged. Waiting is tough.

We're also mourning with friends who both lost their babies in December, too. One is another Snowflake Mommy, Heather, who lost her two babies after their first transfer. And the other is my sweet friend Grace, who lost her babies this week, and who also lost a child last year shortly after we lost our girls. Both friends are very dear to me and my heart is heavy for them. I solicit your prayers on their behalf as they walk in the valley of grief, too.

Dear friends of ours are leaving our church, which distresses me for a variety of reasons, which I won't share here. But it's left me struggling with some questions about the way God directs a family and it's left me heartbroken for one member of the couple, whose heart is torn over their departure.

But, we also have cause for great rejoicing. Over Christmas, one of our very dear friends got engaged (to James, the snowflake giver mentioned above!), and she and her fiancee have asked both DH and I to be in the wedding...which will be in 12 weeks! We are over the moon for them. They have both waited a long time for the "right one" and God has blessed their patience with each other.

Another friend from the same circle is also getting married, the weekend before friend #1. They're a great couple, too. DH is also in that wedding and we are delighted to celebrate with them, as well!

The week prior to that is the main fundraiser for my employer (a fundraiser which I coordinate) and the weekend before that is my mentor's wedding, for which I'm doing the food! So there is a lot of activity and business and cause for celebration. I'm grateful for that--it gives me some distraction. And my heart is full for my friends experiencing such joy in their lives!

Our genetic parents are coming to town this week. We are overjoyed to see them again but doubly excited because they get to meet some of our family members. There's still some chance that they might not come, so we're still praying that they do and then we'll make some fun plans!

I need to scoot off of here and do our end-of-the-year accounting but I did want to check in and update. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!


  1. I'm so glad to hear your update, Jen... I have had you in my thoughts a lot this past month and am thinking of you and your little ones. It is hard with a miscarriage, as culture does tend to ignore or bypass remembrance of little ones lost. Another friend of mine lost a baby in December as well, so it has been a season of mourning. I'm sorry to hear about the money situation, also, and I hope that that can improve for you. It seems that you and I are both in situations where we believe God is in control but can't see how yet! I hope that in years to come we can both look back at our lives and see clearly how God was using our difficulties for His purposes and our good. Right now it's just by faith.

    I'm glad for all the wonderful things coming up for you, though! I didn't know you were helping with C's wedding, but that is terrific and I know it will be great!

    Lots of love,

  2. You are such an incredible blessing to me, Jen...I love you. You have such a way of words. I have trouble putting my thoughts on paper (hence my lack of posting lately..). I miss my babies terribly, but keeping extremely busy keeps me going. And yet it keeps me from keeping up with bloggling too!

    Love you, friend - thank you so much for your love, and prayers. It means so much to me, as you said, to have friends, family and others who truly acknowledge that our babies were HERE, they really EXISTED and they truly do MATTER. They have changed my life.

  3. Megan (angelwingsbaby77)January 7, 2010 at 12:41 AM

    I am glad to see that things are going well I have checked in on you from time to time but have not commented until now. I too have a snowflake necklace and cherish it, what a wonderful gift from your friend.I am so sorry to hear that your upcoming transfer is cancelled for now. I hope that things work themselves out and you are able to proceed forward with your plans.I don't know if you have been to my blog lately but it is still linked to your old one.Hope to hear from you soon, Megan

  4. Jen, Yours was one of the first blogs I started reading when we began investigating embryo adoption/donation in 2008. I'm glad that you've gone public again and so sorry for your losses in 2009.

    I have yet to find peace with our own losses, so I can't offer words of wisdom, only prayers and the assurance that there is one more person waiting with you.