Sunday, December 20, 2009

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. Birthdays were always a big deal in my family and I've always really enjoyed it. I enjoy getting to spend time with my family, to get a break from cooking and dishes, and getting to choose the activities of the day. So, I usually look forward to it.

This year though, the fact that it's my birthday hit me hard. I'm 29 today. That's not old in the grand scheme of life, but it's old in terms of childbearing. I always wanted to be a young mom. I got married at 22. I figured we'd have our first child by 24, another at 26, another at 28 and finish with a 4th at 30. That was my plan. Oh, how different are God's ways.

I guess the realization of the fact that I won't even have 1 child by the time I'm 30 has me down today. Well, that's not true. I have 12 children, and I'm not even 30 years old ;) But, I haven't gotten to meet any of them and won't have had the chance to by that time.

I know 30 is such an arbitrary number. But, I know at that age is when my reproductive system starts to decline. We still have 4 more transfers in front of us. The fact that I could still be doing this when I'm 35-40 (when risks increase for me and baby) scares me. The fact that my nieces and nephews continue to grow older (the oldest is driving!) and thus farther in age from what our kids will be makes me sad because I don't think our kids will really get that cousin experience. Their cousins will be more like Aunts and Uncles to them. The fact that our friends' children all are getting older too so I won't get the joy of our kids growing up together makes me sad, too.

My grandma died at this time of year 12 years ago, so I'm always missing her. The loss of my grandma was one of the single most impacting things that's ever happened. At least my babies are hanging out with opportunity I still miss every day.

I wish I had something profound to say about all this but I don't. I'm just sad tonight. I miss my babies so terribly. I wish I could understand why God chose this path for us. I wish I knew when and if it would ever change. I try not to indulge the "it's not fair" thoughts and the "why" questions...I just can't even go there in my mind and I just try to stay focused on the thoughts I shared already about being content with God as the ultimate answer to every question. But, my heart still aches, even if I can keep my mind arrested.

I did have a really great weekend. We went out of town to help my in-laws pack up to move and we stayed at their house overnight (it's a vacation home) after they left to come home. The house is as nice as any hotel I've ever been in so it felt like we were on a nice little getaway. We went out for a nice supper thanks to the generosity of my in-laws. We took a walk in the mountain air. We went to visit a fantastic Christmas lights display. We just enjoyed each other's company. It was really the first alone time we'd had since "the" phone call last weekend, so it was really nice to just be together.

This morning we were back at church for a wonderful morning. Then we had a terrific lunch with Skyler's family and another family from church where we gave the kids their gifts. It was the first year in a long time that seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child wasn't too painful to enjoy and appreciate. We then traveled up to my in-laws home here in town, where we enjoyed a Christmas celebration with DH's side of the family. It's the first time all of us have been together in a long time, so that was fun. DH's sister and I are close so I'm always grateful for the time I get with her. So we really did have a wonderful, blessed weekend and I am trying to be mindful of that in spite of my sadness.

But, I also know that my God is bigger than my heart, and my mind and my emotions and my sadness. I guess I'm just bringing this to His feet; I really don't even know what else to do with it, or how to process it.

Anyway, those are my to you all. And thank you in advance for any prayers you might get a chance to offer on my behalf!


  1. Happy birthday my dear friend. I pray that you can find peace today, I'm praying for you!

    And remember, 30 is not that bad! :)

  2. Jen - I could have written half of your post. I wanted to be a young mom too. I wasn't even married by the time I was 30. Now I'm 35 and still no little ones in our home. I so get those comments - and each passing birthday is somewhat bittersweet.

    But here's what else can tell you. And I know you know this but it can't hurt to say it again. The great big God of the universe loves you and has an awesome plan, an amazing God-filled, awe-inspiring story laid out for your life. And you are parents, and you are going to be the parents of children you can hold and love and hug and dance with. It will happen. I believe. it. Love to you today, my friend.

  3. Awe, sweet friend...I'm so sorry. I wish I could wisk all the pain away that you are feeling today. I will be praying for you to find peace during this trial. Pray over Phil 4:11. "Not that I speak in respect of want: For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." I meditated on this verse for five years when my life didn't turn out the exact way that I planned it to. It's hard, and no one can get you through this heartache but you (and God, of course--and like you said, he's a BIG God.) I couldn't say anything better than Renae said. You will one day be surrounded by children (both heavenly and earthly). Just hold on a little longer. For some reason unbeknownst to us, God is choosing to wait. Whatever the reason is, it is perfect according to God's plan for your life (although you/we may feel quite differently). God gets that too. I'm Praying! We are all praying....

  4. Lifting you up today.

    Wishing you a Merry Christmas!


  5. Jen, I wish I could take away your pain...please know that I am lifting you up.

    Age is a state of mind...I became pregnant with Adam, our little snowflake, at 43. That wasn't my plan either...and I am still wanting another one! I, like you, thought I would have done all this a lot sooner, but God had another plan for me and my dreams of motherhood. And you know what? I wouldn't change a thing about it, not one tear, not one disappointment, not all the other joys I got to experience along the way. Had I ever had any children sooner, Adam may have never come to be, and I can't imagine the world without him. That is where I find my peace and you will find yours, too. Just keep trusting and keep the faith that God has chosen a special plan for you and where you are is EXACTLY where you are supposed to be. God Always Answers our prayers, it is just not always in our time.

    Have a Merry Christmas.


  6. Jen-I just found your blog from Facebook from Henriettae its been a long time since Ive spoken to you but Im so sorry to hear of the news and pray that by your 30th birthday you will have wonderful news:)

  7. OOOPS! I totally forgot to wish you a Happy Birthday!

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