Thursday, December 6, 2007

Difficult Day Today

10 years ago today, I lost one of the most important people in my life. My grandma passed away and her death devastated me. I continue to feel the ache in my heart, even to this day. 9 months later, my heart broke again when my grandpa, her husband of 50 years, followed her in death.

I miss them a lot. Sometimes so much that I can hardly breath.

This is particularly hard in the light of our infertility because I'd always dreamed of giving our first daughter my grandma's middle name, and I'd even hoped that she might even have Grandma's smile. I dreamed of telling my daughter all about her great grandma and passing on our family recipes that I remember making with my grandparents as a child. Now it's very possible that I will never have that, and I feel like I'm losing my grandma all over again. I feel that both my grandma and my hope of my daughter are slipping away from my grasp and I want to cling so tightly.

I'd appreciate your prayers today. I'm trying to not indulge my grief too much because I don't have the emotional currency to spend. Too much dwelling on my sadness will send me back over the edge and to be honest, I'm afraid of that place. I'm doing ok right now, but only because I refuse to think about it for too long. So, if you think of me today, I'd appreciate your prayers.

Wasn't she beautiful?

And this is the last picture we ever have of them. It was taken at the party for their 50th Wedding Anniversary. Grandma was in the hospital so they let us have the party in the rehab room. Grandma died exactly 2 weeks later.

I wish you all could have known them. I think the only one of you, dear readers, who could have met them is Angie and I'm not sure if you would remember them or not. But somehow, knowing I still have a friend today who I knew then is comforting to me--almost like a connection to that time when I had them. So hi Angie. Thanks for being my friend. Would that we were back in Newbury Park 10 years and 1 day ago, even for a moment!

I hope you all are well today.


  1. i am praying right now for god's strong arm of comfort to wipe your tears away. it's okay to sit in our grief for a little while - and god promises to sit right alongside us. i am praying for you right this moment.

  2. What a beautiful picture of your Grandma! I enjoyed reading about your sweet memories today. Hugs to you dear sister!

  3. What a beautiful woman! I am praying for your heart tonight

  4. I am so sorry. Take comfort in your sweet memories, and imagine what he/she would say to you right now in your moment of grief. I'll say a special prayer for God to surround you with His love and comfort as only He can. Thanks for the invite over to your blog. Hugz

  5. I love that his tie matches her blanket in the photo. To me that speaks more strongly than words. ::hug::

  6. You know what Dana? I think that was totally accidental? I've never noticed that before! How sweet! My mom and I made that quilt for my grandma and I have it now.

  7. HUGS! I can only imagine. My Granny is my best friend. I think of her all the time knowing her end is near.

  8. Your grandma was very beautiful! Don't give up hope on having a child. Infertility is a long, hard road, but it will be well worth it in the end. If you'd like to talk more, you can send me an e mail to :) I will save your blog so that I can come back and read more about you and what you are going through!!


  9. Your Grandma is lovely. God be with you today.