It's amazing. As faithful as the Lord is, I am the most forgetful person in the world. Thankfully, He never forgets to remind me, just the same.
As I mentioned, I spoke to the doctor's office on Friday. I am embarrassed to say that I am very overweight. I have worked over the last year to lose weight, to increase my exercise and to develop healthier habits about food. I have successfully done all of those things, but I admit it's a struggle for me, and recently, I haven't been as diligent as I should have been. As a result of my PCOS, I'm also insulin resistant, meaning my body can't absorb or use the insulin that it produces, and so, since it can't tell it has it already, it just makes more and I get a ton of extra, which is part of why my weight is so bad--it's a vicious cycle. But God has been working on all parts of me, not just my weight. We waited between transfers 1 and 2 while I lost some weight, but we also want to be conscientious about not waiting too long, both for my sake and the babies', so we went ahead with transfer 3.
The woman at the office told me that the human body is very instinctive and primal and insulin going all over the map makes it feel like an animal that is being hunted or is dying. The first thing it does when it feels that way is expel everything unnecessary. The body sees pregnancy as unnecessary to its survival, so too many variations in insulin would cause a miscarriage. I officially started freaking out.
I spent the rest of Friday worrying about every bite I put in my mouth. Was this ok? What about that? When she said to stay away from carbs and sugar, what exactly did she mean? All carbs, or just the simple ones? And did the sugar in fruit count? And were we talking never ever again, or just in moderation? And what about the carbs and sugar I'd already consumed that day and in the days leading up to that call? The whole thing was maddening.
But Saturday morning, the Lord graciously reminded me that HE holds these lives in His hands. He knows how many breaths and minutes they each have. And nothing can thwart His plans for them. Their lives are not at the mercy of me, or my diet. One potato or milkshake cannot put an end to lives the God has designed and willed into existence.
Now that's not to say that I don't bear responsibility in the care of these babies and of myself. Just as we ought not sin with impunity just because God's grace forgives, I ought not eat with impunity, just because He is sovereign. I ought take care of this body God has given me and I owe my babies the fiercest protection I can give them. So I don't under-evaluate the importance of eating well, caring for myself, and overall being responsible. And I believe that the underlying concepts behind what she told me are true.
I firmly believe that many times, God provides us with means within our grasp to tackle our physical ailments. I believe in doctors and medicine and diets and exercise and all that great stuff so don't hear me as saying "sit back and let God do it all." But I also know that running yourself in circles of fear is not what God has for us.
I also know that my doctor's office and I have hugely different worldviews. I don't know if they are believers or not but their practice certainly communicates to me that they believe it is their job to do everything in their power to control every variable. Their perception of their job is to keep me pregnant. And, insofar as their responsibility extends within their God-given talents, they are very good at what they do and I am grateful for skilled doctors and nurses. But the fundamental difference is that no matter what I do or don't do, God has plans for these babies.
I refuse to hand myself right back into the bondage of fear that God's been so gracious to free me of. I refuse to allow my mouth and my stomach and food to wield power over my heart and mind. I refuse to live as though these babies are "maybes" and that God is just sitting there, waiting to push the "yes" or "no" button on another day of their lives, based on what I do or don't do. But man! How quick the devil was to jump in on my thoughts again, through something as well-intended as doctor's advice.
So I'm continuing to take it one day at a time. I am doing some instructive reading on the subject, and I did cut out the empty calories that were nothing more than indulgences, and I'm making a more deliberate plan of action. But beyond that, I just have to continue to meditate on the fact that their lives are in the hands of the one who created them. I can't let the enemy of my soul and of their souls enslave me and them to mistrust, disbelief, and fear. That's far more toxic than a french fry. ;)
How gracious God is being with my forgetful self.
PS: People are asking how I'm feeling. So far, about the same. I am really tired, and I'm noticing some changes how I feel, which is a nice reassurance, but nothing so far that's caused me any discomfort, for which I'm grateful. I feel different enough to feel pregnant, but not badly. Thanks for those of you who asked.