Ultrasound Update

:) Baby is still measuring 3 days small but that's exactly the same amount of "smallness" as last week, so at least the rate of growth is consistent. Baby was 8mm now and the tech didn't have to struggle at all to find him or her. The genetic parents are small people so it's not out of the realm of possibility that this will just be a small baby. Heart rate was 131, which is good and right on track ;D

It was a bittersweet ultrasound though. It did confirm that there is only one baby so we know we now have another one with Jesus. However, we are thanking God for the life of his or her sibling left with us! :)

My Mom Rocks

I don't have a ton of updates, but I'm trying to blog consistently, so I thought I'd post about my wonderful mom.

Wednesday and Thursday, I was severely nauseated for 48 hours, straight. I only threw-up once, but I felt like that was only by the grace of God and because I pretty much refused to move and didn't eat anything. Thursday night I was so desperate, I called my mom to ask if she'd come up to help me on the weekend get caught up on all the stuff that had fallen by the wayside while I was so tired and/or sick. She graciously agreed!

Friday, I had a much better day. I was able to clean my kitchen, make some bread dough, do a little laundry and complete a few errands. It took me all day to do that, including a long nap in the middle, but I got it done. Mom spent the day at her house cooking and baking for us. She arrived Saturday and I felt woozy, but ok. We ran some errands and she helped me do my grocery shopping, which was funny for her because I move slowly, forget things, and totally space out these days! We puttered around the house, and she attacked my kitchen. I'd cleaned it the day before but she deep cleaned it--wiped down everything on the counters, cleaned my fridge inside and out, washed my trashcan--all that stuff I never do, because, despite being born to the housekeeping Yoda, I am an epic failure at it.

Saturday night was awful. I was up most of the night with a sick tummy, and then I proceeded to throw up all day Sunday. Whoever called it morning sickness is a big fat liar! :P

While I sat on my bum doing NOTHING except puking, mom vacuumed my carpets, cleaned my tile floors (on her hands and knees--and our house is more than half tile!), dusted, rearranged my tupperware cabinet (it's always a disaster) and deep cleaned both of our bathrooms. She did other stuff I'm sure, but that's all I'm remembering. I think the only time our house was ever this clean was when 1) we moved in and 2) we had our homestudy visit.

I finally called Diana last night, who recommended a cocktail of Unisom and Vitam B6. Diana suffered from Hyperemesis Gravidarum with both of her pregnancies and is well read on all kinds of morning sickness cures, from old wives tales to heavy duty prescriptions. I tried her cocktail and finally received some relief from the vomiting, but then proceeded to be knocked into a heavy sleep (imagine that, with sleeping medicine!) I called my doctor this morning and he approves/recommends the same combination, so not long after the overnight dose worse off, I took another and proceeded to be a zombie the rest of the day.

Meanwhile, my mom made us a crockpot full of stew, a casserole, three other meals, and chopped all our fruits and veggies for easy consumption this week. Each of those dishes makes two meals (or more, if DH is the only one eating them). She also had brought up another casserole and a couple pounds of cooked taco meat with her and two dozen whole grain muffins (easy on my tummy). So now we have almost three weeks worth of dinners so that if I don't feel up to or can't stomach cooking, DH can just pull something out of the freezer and microwave it and I don't have to feel bad about leaving him to fend for himself! I'm so grateful for my sweet mom, who gave of herself so selflessly this weekend! Thank you mom! I can't say that enough. She did have to go home today--and probably for the best because after this weekend, she needs a break!

The Unisom wore off this afternoon and I didn't feel sick enough to take another dose so I was finally able to come out my zombie state and go to work for a few hours, so it was nice to feel productive.

If you're struggling with morning sickness/NVP, here are some things I've tried that have helped:

1. Eat often
2. When you do eat, eat small and eat well.
3. Eat a few crackers before you get up in the morning. When you do get up, rise slowly so you don't jar your tummy too much. If you wake up in the middle of the night, eat a couple crackers then, too--keeping your stomach from getting totally empty seems to be key and night time is the longest your tummy goes unattended.
4. Eat a little, right before bed, so your tummy has something to work on overnight rather than completely emptying itself out.
5. Have mint gum handy at all times. I now have packages of it stashed in near every room of my house and I can't tell you how many episodes it warded off this weekend. Costco sells it in bulk. No, really :)
6. Stay well hydrated
7. If you have a problem of producing excess saliva (a side effect of pregnancy that some, myself included, experience), spit it out rather than swallowing it because the extra fluids can aggravate your tummy. Make sure you stay well-hydrated though. And the gum can be counter-productive to the minimizing excess production, but for me, it's worth it anyway.
8. Figure out what your instant-fixes or deterrents are (if you have any) and have them handy-put some in your purse, in your desk drawer, etc
9. Complex carbs are your friend. But all carbs are not created equal. Just because that piece of wonder bread or those mashed potatoes sound like they'll be soothing, they probably won't be. Try whole grain bread or oatmeal or something else. I've found that white starches just sit in my stomach and mock me.
10. Avoid fried foods

Saltines and 7 Up have helped a little but not much. I've been afraid to try ginger, as it gets mixed reviews on whether or not it can lead to miscarriage. The mint gum works wonders. Citrus and sucking on a lemon has not worked at all. Sometimes, something sweet helps, other times, it doesn't. Teas are hit or miss, too.

Find the snacks that work for you. For me they are:
Peanuts
Fruit Snacks
Oranges
Popsicles (they make 100% fruit, no sugar added ones)
Cucumber
Apples
Carrot Sticks
Milk
Chicken Lunch Meat
Oatmeal with Walnuts and Raisins
Milk
Chocolate Milk
Cold pudding
Flavored Yogurt

I keep peanuts and fruit snacks in my purse at all times. Any time you feel yourself getting even the slightest bit hungry, eat something!

One of my books also said to experiment with different textures and temperatures. I've found that I do best with frozen stuff, and with hard crunchy stuff. The softer, in-between textures are hit or miss. I can do yogurt and pudding, but I can't do bananas and smoothies. I can eat cantaloupe and watermelon if it's cold, but not if it's room temperature. And then there are days when this all goes out the window and you just barf anyway ;)

In all honesty, I feel like the biggest wimp on the planet. I've had what I would describe as a few tough days, 2 hard days, and one pretty terrible day, plus quite a few days when I've felt fine and have just been too tired to do anything, and I'm already feeling overwhelmed. I've also developed hives of some sort (I think related to the progesterone), for which the doc said I can take Benadryl but not hydrocortizone. Benadryl knocks me out too, so between that and the Unisom, I'm often in a state of zombie! I was truly unprepared for how different I would feel this quickly. I don't want to have a complaining spirit and in a lot of ways, I really am still grateful for the continued "reminders" of pregnancy so I'm just praying for God's strength and sustaining power, a heart of gratitude, His provision of physical reprieve when I need it, and gratitude for the love and help of friends and family.

We get another peek at little-love-bug on Wednesday morning and I can't wait. While most women don't get to see their babies for several more weeks, we get several "previews." I guess that's one of the few perks of infertility ;)

Thanks for checking in! I'll post Wednesday after our ultrasound!

Afternoon Update

I called my OB this morning to talk to my nurse because when I called on Monday, she had specifically asked, several times about spotting. Since she'd specifically wanted to know about it, I thought I'd call and chat with her about it. She was with a patient, so the receptionist took a message. About half an hour later, the receptionist called back and said that the doctor wanted me to come in this afternoon. I was a little alarmed by the urgency, but my friends told me that it's pretty standard procedure for an OB to want to check things out with spotting. That was one thing that was so refreshingly different. The reason we chose this doctor (aside from his medical skill) is because he's as pro-life as we are. This was a baby to him, not a "product of conception" or a "fetus." I loved that. I didn't feel like he thought I was crazy or overreacting. An RE's office is just different. Don't get me wrong--my RE is a WONDERFUL practitioner and I can't say enough good things about him. But in their field, the way early life is viewed is just much more clinical. And statistics brace them and their patients for the worst, not the best (case in point, my first phone call with the nurse down there). My OB is the exact opposite, which was wonderful for my heart.

So, I went in. It took him a really long time to find anything. After a long time of looking, he said "I'm not seeing anything in your sac." I just closed my eyes and lay there praying that God would give me strength to hear the news I thought was coming.

He looked some more than then he said, "Wait, there's a little flicker." And we saw it briefly, but then it was gone again. So he moved the wand some more and all the sudden, it was dead center, flickering away, plain as day.

We saw one heartbeat. Then he said the baby measured 5 weeks, 5 days, and I should technically be 6 weeks 1 day, but he said he didn't think that was cause for concern. The heart looked like it was beating really slow and I told him that and he said it was ok because it's early. But then when I asked for the rate, he said it was 116-which isn't slow and is right where it should be!

He also said that the fact that we only saw one is not conclusive about whether both implanted or not since it's so early.

So, he's doing another ultrasound next week. (Oh darn, we get to see baby again). He said he just thinks it will tell us more. He said he could see some spotting still up in there preparing to come down but he didn't think it was cause for worry.

He told me to cool it at the gym (again, oh darn) and just rest and come back next week.

I'm exhausted after all the emotional ups and downs of the appointment. But, so far, it's good news! Not the "all clear" we were hoping for, but definitely good! Please keep praying though that baby's just small and that this really isn't anything to worry about! 2 days is not really a huge difference but it seems so significant when their size and everything is so dramatically different from day to day. But, I refuse to go looking for worry, so, we're focusing on the good news.

I feel absolutely awful today, (in a good way), so that's hampering my ability to feel much of anything except barfy, but we really are excited!



The dot between the two + signs is the baby! Baby is SOO tiny! It's crazy!

Morning Update

Thank you all for your prayers. It blesses us so much to know our babies have so many prayer warriors on their sides! We really felt God's presence and I was able to focus my prayers on asking for His will, His strength, His peace, and trust and faith in Him, rather than on sparing their lives. Because ultimately, we want His will, not ours. And I know that desire comes from Him, too. So thanks for your intercession. I truly believed God used the strength and peace you prayed for to direct my thoughts and prayers.

By the time I fell asleep last night, the cramping had stopped. I was still spotting, but a few hours later when I woke up to use the bathroom, it had stopped and it has remained gone this morning.

This morning, my morning sickness nausea turned into full-blown morning sickness barfing, which I took as a good sign that hormones are still increasing. So I'm actually grateful to be feeling so yucky. I'm pretty sleepy from being up a lot last night so I'm just going to try to take it easy today-just working and then resting, no gym tonight. I will call my doctor in when he opens in a few minutes to see if he wants me to do anything, but we're believing in faith that everything is still ok.

Prayer Request

After working out tonight I had a little bit of spotting and cramping. It was very mild and the spotting only happened once and not since so I am trying not to worry. My workout was really easy (swimming, easy bike and treadmill, and body-weight only exercises and stretches) and I'm going to take it easy the rest of the night.

We of course want to pray that this is nothing, but more than that, we pray for the Lord's will to be done in our lives, and in theirs. We'd love it if you would join us in intercession.

Thank you!

Cute story

I used to see an OB for my annual exams and for treatment/maintenance of my PCOS. Once we got our IF diagnosis and decided to pursue EA, I transferred my care to an RE. I haven't been back to my OB since, as my RE just did my annual exams, too.

So, it's been years since I was there. I called yesterday to make an appointment and I (happily) spoke to a nurse who was my favorite from before. I said "Hi Maria, this is Jennifer _________. How are you?" Like my first name, my last name is pretty generic, and it's been years since we spoke so I didn't expect her to remember me. And at first, she didn't. There was no recognition in her voice.

But, my OB's office takes your picture for your file. It took her a minute to pull up my file and suddenly she exclaimed, "Oh my God, Jennifer!!!!" She literally squealed with delight when I told her we were pregnant. She asked me over and over and over again if I was feeling alright and if I was bleeding at all and I kept assuring her that I feel great. She was so excited! I was so grateful for her little celebration.

We'd also been vacillating on whether or not to return to this OB--he's a wonderful practitioner, but we have ideological differences, especially on the morality of EA. But I know he gives wonderful care, I like that I know him, I like the hospital he delivers at, so we decided to stick with him. The conversation with Maria eased my concerns and confirmed that staying with him is the best thing for us.

So, I was just tickled pink and so honored that she would be so happy for us.

I think I'm finally starting to feel really pregnant. When you undergo an FET, you know you're pregnant MUCH earlier than a woman who gets pregnant the good old fashioned way does, simply because you don't have to wait until a missed period to start testing, and you have a doctor-ordered blood test confirmation right away. So, I'd tell people (strangers-not my friends, they're very supportive) I am pregnant and they'd ask me how far along I am and I'd say "4 weeks" or something like that and people would just look at me cross-eyed. I think a lot of people adopt the attitude that you shouldn't celebrate that early, and a lot of people just flat out don't know that early, so I was an oddball.

But 6 weeks feels like a "legitimately pregnant" number (so far as the world is concerned)--normal women know they're pregnant by now. First trimester effects are in full swing. Other people know they're due in early February by now, too. Now when I tell people, I get a loving or a knowing "oh, that's nice" look instead of a "wow, you're weird" look. I don't know--not that the babies' lives weren't legitimate before, because they were and are. It just feels like I'm entering an exclusive club that I've previously been left out of. The club of normal! It's actually kind of nice!

Today's my day off so I'd better boogie and get some work done this morning while my energy is high. TTFN!

Continuing to celebrate today, and praise the Creator of this day.

6 Weeks!

We're 6 Weeks Today!!

This is going to be a busy week for your amazing little embryo. Their brain is still growing remarkably fast; miniature hand plates are starting to develop and the early formations of what will be their fingers are already visible. Also, the lower limbs do not develop quite as fast, so they’re pretty much still flippers. Up until this point, your baby has been very curled up with the head and tail in close proximity, but this week their trunk and neck are beginning to grow and straighten as their tail recedes into its resting position in the back. Even though your little miracle is only 6 weeks old, they’re already capable of demonstrating reflex responses to touch!

And

Baby's now the size of a sweet pea! Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks, and chin. Those little hands and feet -- still webbed like paddles -- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

More pregnant than I've ever been

At approximately at this time of evening, this exact number of days into my pregnancy, I was arriving home from the hospital emergency room after spending the worst night of my life miscarrying our daughters. It was an experience I hope never to experience again. The miscarriage itself was alone traumatic, but doing so among the worst hospital staff I've ever encountered, lying there bleeding helplessly all over the place, while the staff around me refused to answer me because "the doctor would be in soon" (7 hours later!), while the worst nurse imaginable dug around in my arms for almost an hour trying to start an IV (for what, i still don't know), none understanding why I was freaking out so much because it was "so early" and we could "always try again" was beyond what I could handle. Honestly, it was the stuff that nightmares are made of. And I've tried not to think about it because reliving it was too awful. Each woman needs to make her own choice, but if God does take these babies (or any future ones), I don't want to go through the experience in a hospital again.

So all day long, I've sort of felt in a fog. I've felt a numbness for this day, and a genuine surprise that I am at the end of it without incident. It wasn't a conscious fear; I have absolutely no reason to suspect that this pregnancy will turn out like the last one. My medications are adjusted properly (unlike last time), I weigh less, I am eating right, my doctor is better skilled, and most importantly, these are different babies than the last ones, and God has a different plan for them. But still, the scar tissue is there and it was sort of always in my head. I am now more pregnant than I have ever been. And I'm at a loss to describe how I feel. I truly don't have any idea what tomorrow will look like. Pregnancy up til this point has been sort of familiar. But starting tomorrow, it's all uncharted water!

I am overwhelmed with gratitude to God for the length of time we've had with the babies and I pray that these are just the first of many, many days. But in a lot of ways, I feel like I just found out I'm pregnant all over again. Everything from here on out is completely foreign to me. I have a sense of bewilderment as I look toward tomorrow! I don't have anything super spiritual to say about it all... I'm just working through my feelings. I'm missing our girls. I'm excited that God has seen fit to continue this pregnancy. I'm a little bit nervous, despite the fact that my head knows Who is in charge. I'm exhilarated and terrified at the same time. I'm just processing through it all I guess. I know the Lord will sort through the thoughts and emotions with and for me, so I'm grateful that I can leave that up to Him because I feel like my head is spinning.

We had a nice day today. We went to church and were very late because morning sickness necessitated a stop (that's not a complaint-I actually love the reminder that something is really happening). Then we had a lunch fellowship time at the church and then we came home and napped a while. I went to the gym and had a nice long workout, spent the evening with DH and now we're on the way to bed.

I actually have to call my regular OB tomorrow and get on their calendar for my first prenatal visit. I figured I'd wait til after my ultrasound, but I was just looking at their website and they like to do their first visit at 8 weeks, which is the same week as the ultrasound, so I guess I need to schedule it! That feels surreal too--the prospect of leaving my RE and returning to a "normal" doctor is just so...sublime. After so many years of doing everything unconventionally, to know that in a few weeks, this will be treated like every other "normal" pregnancy sort of blows my mind.

I find myself rubbing my belly and talking to the babies all the time. I can't wait til I have something external to show for it so I don't just look like a fat lady who is clutching her tummy because she's eaten too much or is suffering from indigestion ;) But, it's so wonderful to know that they're going here and there and everywhere with me :)

I'd best get to bed. Goodnight everyone!

Meltdown

This is completely embarrassing and humbling to confess, but in the interest of authenticity, I'm going to put it out there anyway. My walk with God is not always the strong and confident one I want it to be.

One of the medications I take for this pregnancy is fairly expensive. But, my copay is the same whether the prescription is for 1 day or 30. The first prescription was written for 2 weeks. So I filled it, and then when we did get pregnant, I asked my doctor for a 1 month prescription, so that I could maximize my copay. He gladly obliged. With our insurance, you can get medication less expensive through mail order. I only take this medication every other day, so I mailed it away with plenty of time to spare. The other prescription I filled at the same time came without issue and in plenty of time, so I figured this one would soon follow.

At 5:00pm last night (a Friday night) they called to tell me that they were out of stock of the medication, indefinitely. Last night was my last dose of it, so I asked them to transfer to prescription to a local pharmacy (our mail order service and our brick and mortar pharmacy are both Walgreens). The first 3 people told me they couldn't help me and that I just needed to call my doctor for a new prescription. I explained to them that they'd waited til 5:00 on a Friday night to call me, and the doctor's office was already closed for the weekend (and he doesn't have a paging service). I continued to escalate the call until the pharmacist, who works EST hours but who is in the next town over, told me that if I went to the local pharmacy, the pharmacist there could call him and he would verify that it was a legitimate prescription and they could fill it. He said he'd be there another 25 minutes-great! He also said he'd be there today til 2:00pm EST. We jumped in the car and drove the 2 miles away. But when we got there and they tried to call him, he'd gone for the day. I promise, it didn't take us 25 minutes to drive 2 miles. But, he was gone. And this particular pharmacy was out of stock of the medication. So they called a third pharmacy, who did indeed have it, and we explained the situation. The pharmacy there said that they would call all morning today to try to get the pharmacist on the phone and fill it. They're a 24 hour location, so I figured they'd have no problem meeting the EST deadline.

Despite my stressing the importance of the medication and the fact that I didn't have any more was beyond my control, the pharmacist basically called, left a message, and then washed his hands of the situation. When I arrived to pick the medicine up, he told me "tough luck." He said he couldn't help me because it was a weekend and then suggested I call my doctor. I laughed at and pointed out the irony of his statement.

I couldn't understand why the written prescription is in their company possession, the man with authorization to fill it is in the next town over, and they couldn't communicate with each other.

I totally lost it. By God's grace, I didn't lose my temper and I was polite but firm with the man when I told him they had royally messed this up and that a voicemail or two was not sufficient effort to correct a problem his company created when they knew I needed this medication but I was a puddle of tears with worry. I just sat down in the store and cried. And cried some more. And then I cried because I was crying. And I was angry at myself for being angry. And then I was stressed out that I had made myself too stressed out. All the while, God kept telling me "The medication doesn't keep you pregnant, I do." But though I kept repeating that in my head and out loud to myself, I just couldn't settle down. I guess you could say it was my first major episode with hormones but I hate that answer. I hated that I couldn't get a control over my emotions and allow the truth to govern. I let my emotions totally contradict the truths I've been clinging to.

It persisted for quite a while-being upset at the situation, then being upset at myself for being upset, and around and around it went.

It's 11:51 pm. In a few minutes it will be Sunday. Sunday will be the same length into pregnancy that we were when I miscarried. That's sort of been haunting me all week and I think that played into it, too. So then I had myself convinced that my meltdown was going to induce a miscarriage, and I was just a big stinking mess. I think I'll breath a sigh of relief when we make it to Monday.

My dear sweet friend Jan is moving away. They were supposed to leave first thing this morning, but their car broke down. DH spent the day fixing it, and as a result, I got to spend several hours with her. I think the whole arrangement was a God-thing. If the problem had happened with their car any later, they'd have been on the road somewhere between here and Colorado, stranded. And as a result of the two guys being tied to the car all day, we got some time and she was able to talk some sense into me. She gently, and then when I argued, not-so-gently, told me to confess, repent, and get over it and myself. I couldn't keep dwelling on the fact that I screwed up.

How crafty is it of the devil? Even when the Lord puts our sins as far as the east is from the west, the devil hangs our shame over us and binds it to it, as though our judgment is somehow more just and accurate than that of the Savior of the World. And self-flagellation feels almost sort of Holy. But it's not. Therein lies the bigger issue, (though I believe that all sins are ontologically, the same). Yes, I freaked out and allowed my worry and emotions to override my trust in the Lord. But then I made a liar out of the One who promises forgiveness by remaining chained to that first sin. But, God is so wonderful. He even forgives that, though I didn't deserve either pardon. How marvelous and generous He is! I praise Him for His forgiveness and mercy. And I praise Him for holding these babies in His hand, because I clearly am not very good at this. And I'm so grateful for the extra time I had with Jan and the truth she so consistently speaks into my life.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted, so I came home and slept for 2 hours, and things continue to be normal on the baby front (well as far as I can tell). I am missing my girls tonight, which makes carrying their sibling(s) bittersweet. But the fact that we have them here still is great cause for rejoicing so my heart is just a little bit conflicted. Praise Him for knowing that and loving me still.

I can take a shot tomorrow instead to make up for the medication I'm missing (I normally alternate every other day) and then I'll call the doctor on Monday and ask for a new prescription to be called in somewhere else.

Church comes early so I'd best get to bed. I'm praising God that His memory (of my sin) is short, and His mercy is boundless.

I've been worshiping to this song tonight--I hope it encourages you, too. Goodnight!

God is good, and He has a sense of humor

I've been feeling really good so far. Like, normal good. I've felt well enough that last night, I posted this on the infertility support group that I'm on:

I'm trying to take this pregnancy one day at a time and we are determined to celebrate it for as long as we have the babies...Monday will be the day we were at when we lost our girls, so I think I will feel better when we pass it.

I'm trying hard not to worry. My insurance only covers one beta. My ultrasound isn't until June 21. So I just have to hope/guess/assume that as long as there's no bleeding between now and then, that nothing is wrong. I wish they made home HCG tests! :D But God keeps telling me that I said I'm going to trust Him, and I need to do actually do that and it doesn't matter how many tests or check-ups I have or don't have. So, I'm trying to rest in that.

I don't FEEL really pregnant yet. I am really tired. [I also listed a couple other TMI symptoms] and I've gagged on two foods (spinach and plain yogurt) but other than that, I don't have a lot of symptoms. I'm focusing on counting that as a blessing, not a cause for worry.

Basically, I was a little bit afraid because I didn't really feel pregnant enough. I prayed about it a little, but honestly, not a lot. I didn't want to dwell on it and I didn't really ask for signs, because I actually don't want to be struggling with this. I just confessed to God that I am, and asked Him to handle it.

Ha! God has such a wonderful way of providing for my needs, even if He has a sense of humor while doing it.

This morning I got up and made our smoothie for breakfast, like I do every morning. (It's just pure fruit, plus some Whey powder, in the Vitamix--until recently, I included spinach, but see the aforementioned note about gagging on it). Today's smoothie was peaches and bananas--pretty innocuous, right? Wrong! In the very last swallow-full, I gagged and had to struggle not to throw it all back up (sorry for the TMI!). I proceeded to be nauseated for most of the rest of the day. I got a respite during the late afternoon enough for a little late lunch and a small dinner, and then it came back this evening. I've also had heartburn all evening (which I had a lot of in my first pregnancy), and some other areas of discomfort (the specification of which would be even less appropriate for polite company than those I've already mentioned) have increased tenfold.

CS Lewis once said that pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world. Well today, nausea and heartburn were God's megaphone to rouse a deaf Jen. It's as if He was yelling, "I told you, I've got this one. But since you seem to need a reminder, here you go." And it wasn't just a little sign...it was a big, old, honkin, God-sized, Bill Engval style "Here's your sign."

And that's the wonderful thing about God. His grace is so overwhelming. If we really believe His character is Truth, then His word should be sufficient. But He, in His everlasting compassion and generosity, reassures our doubting hearts and minds anyway, with signs of His continuing faithfulness. We see examples throughout scripture, with Moses, and Gideon, and Thomas, and countless others. In each instance, their human weakness caused them to doubt His power, and rather than being offended at their mistrust, He gently demonstrated His love. What an amazing picture!

Anyway, I promised DH that I'd be quick, but I just wanted to post about what He continues to do in our lives.

I don't have an update yet on my friend I posted about the other day, but please continue to pray.

Tomorrow, I get to have brunch with my dear friend Heather, who is also a Snowflake Mommy. I'm totally excited and grateful for the opportunity for fellowship. Then my friend Brenda is coming over to hang out and scrapbook, and my friend from Sweden comes to visit next week, so I'm just being pampered all around by God's love, as shown through His people. Fellowship is such a wonderful gift, don't you think?

Lastly, I've been part of a scrapbooking message board for almost 7 years. While there are a a lot of amazing people on it, over the years I've pulled away because there's a certain sector of people who anonymously and viciously target other members on an offsite blog. I've been one of their favorite targets (mostly for being outspokenly Christian and politically conservative, and for being overweight. They pick on my DH too, which proves they're just plain crazy, since he's the most amazing man I know). I did post when I was pregnant before, and when I miscarried, and I was the subject of a lot of cruel comments.

I hesitated posting again, for that reason. It kills me to know that someone somewhere might make unkind comments about our children. But, I also have a tremendous heart for spreading the word about Embryo Adoption, and about God's overwhelming love and mercy in our story. He reminded me of those things today, so I took the plunge and posted about our pregnancy and our testimony of God's love. Anyway, no one on the board itself has said anything unkind today. (Through other means, I can tell that things are likely being said elsewhere on the net, but I've willfully not read them).

The post itself has lead to a wonderful discussion wherein lots of people have asked me questions about Embryo Adoption, including a woman who needs to make a decision about what to do with her frozen embryos and was very intrigued by what I shared. The thread has been viewed nearly 4,000 times. Even if only half of those are unique hits, that's 2,000 people who read about Embryo Adoption today. I'm so grateful that God is able to work beyond my fear and pride, and enable me to testify to His greatness. I'm grateful that He is using me to spread the word about something so near to my heart. He's already using these babies for His mighty purpose of spreading His glory. How awesome. Even when I am tempted to doubt their presence here, He is using their lives to tell His story of love.

And, nearly 200 people posted replies, all positively, and it warms this mommy's heart to know our babies have so many cheerleaders and prayer warriors (all of you included). We are truly blessed!

Our cup runneth over.

Celebrating today...

5 Weeks Development

I've only consciously crossed the week mark twice since learning I'm pregnant, but I love it when it happens and I get to read a new stage. This is what's happening in week 5. Isn't God amazing? I constantly marvel at all that is happening so early in this process. No one but our great, magnificent, wonderful, creative, intelligent, masterful, physician God could have masterminded such an amazing process!

The changes to your growing embryo are not quite as drastic this week as they've been in the last few weeks. Growth is now largely focused on their little head, which is starting to develop much more rapidly than the rest of their tiny body. This is because their amazing brain is undergoing some very crucial and rapid development in order to effectively regulate their heart rate, blood circulation, and other vital functions. As for the rest of their miniature body, what were simple limb buds last week are limb flippers this week and the tail is more expressed. Amazingly, within a mere five weeks your little miracle is already developing the rudimentary forms of their liver, pancreas, lungs, stomach and nasal pits while their little heart is already increasing its circulation. Your baby is now a whopping 4-6mm in length.

We have an ultrasound date!

Monday morning, June 21st! Woohoo!

How Quickly I Forget

It's amazing. As faithful as the Lord is, I am the most forgetful person in the world. Thankfully, He never forgets to remind me, just the same.

As I mentioned, I spoke to the doctor's office on Friday. I am embarrassed to say that I am very overweight. I have worked over the last year to lose weight, to increase my exercise and to develop healthier habits about food. I have successfully done all of those things, but I admit it's a struggle for me, and recently, I haven't been as diligent as I should have been. As a result of my PCOS, I'm also insulin resistant, meaning my body can't absorb or use the insulin that it produces, and so, since it can't tell it has it already, it just makes more and I get a ton of extra, which is part of why my weight is so bad--it's a vicious cycle. But God has been working on all parts of me, not just my weight. We waited between transfers 1 and 2 while I lost some weight, but we also want to be conscientious about not waiting too long, both for my sake and the babies', so we went ahead with transfer 3.

The woman at the office told me that the human body is very instinctive and primal and insulin going all over the map makes it feel like an animal that is being hunted or is dying. The first thing it does when it feels that way is expel everything unnecessary. The body sees pregnancy as unnecessary to its survival, so too many variations in insulin would cause a miscarriage. I officially started freaking out.

I spent the rest of Friday worrying about every bite I put in my mouth. Was this ok? What about that? When she said to stay away from carbs and sugar, what exactly did she mean? All carbs, or just the simple ones? And did the sugar in fruit count? And were we talking never ever again, or just in moderation? And what about the carbs and sugar I'd already consumed that day and in the days leading up to that call? The whole thing was maddening.

But Saturday morning, the Lord graciously reminded me that HE holds these lives in His hands. He knows how many breaths and minutes they each have. And nothing can thwart His plans for them. Their lives are not at the mercy of me, or my diet. One potato or milkshake cannot put an end to lives the God has designed and willed into existence.

Now that's not to say that I don't bear responsibility in the care of these babies and of myself. Just as we ought not sin with impunity just because God's grace forgives, I ought not eat with impunity, just because He is sovereign. I ought take care of this body God has given me and I owe my babies the fiercest protection I can give them. So I don't under-evaluate the importance of eating well, caring for myself, and overall being responsible. And I believe that the underlying concepts behind what she told me are true.

I firmly believe that many times, God provides us with means within our grasp to tackle our physical ailments. I believe in doctors and medicine and diets and exercise and all that great stuff so don't hear me as saying "sit back and let God do it all." But I also know that running yourself in circles of fear is not what God has for us.

I also know that my doctor's office and I have hugely different worldviews. I don't know if they are believers or not but their practice certainly communicates to me that they believe it is their job to do everything in their power to control every variable. Their perception of their job is to keep me pregnant. And, insofar as their responsibility extends within their God-given talents, they are very good at what they do and I am grateful for skilled doctors and nurses. But the fundamental difference is that no matter what I do or don't do, God has plans for these babies.

I refuse to hand myself right back into the bondage of fear that God's been so gracious to free me of. I refuse to allow my mouth and my stomach and food to wield power over my heart and mind. I refuse to live as though these babies are "maybes" and that God is just sitting there, waiting to push the "yes" or "no" button on another day of their lives, based on what I do or don't do. But man! How quick the devil was to jump in on my thoughts again, through something as well-intended as doctor's advice.

So I'm continuing to take it one day at a time. I am doing some instructive reading on the subject, and I did cut out the empty calories that were nothing more than indulgences, and I'm making a more deliberate plan of action. But beyond that, I just have to continue to meditate on the fact that their lives are in the hands of the one who created them. I can't let the enemy of my soul and of their souls enslave me and them to mistrust, disbelief, and fear. That's far more toxic than a french fry. ;)

How gracious God is being with my forgetful self.

PS: People are asking how I'm feeling. So far, about the same. I am really tired, and I'm noticing some changes how I feel, which is a nice reassurance, but nothing so far that's caused me any discomfort, for which I'm grateful. I feel different enough to feel pregnant, but not badly. Thanks for those of you who asked.

Beta Update

God continues to bless us with good news. My beta today was 240. They wanted it to be over 100. Today was the 11th day past transfer. My beta with the girls was 117 at 10 days past transfer, so this is proportionately, a stronger number. I don't know if that means anything or not, but it was encouraging nonetheless.

My insurance only covers one beta, so we won't learn anything new again until the ultrasound, which will be in 3-4 weeks. I get the date for that on Tuesday. That's when we'll learn if it's one baby or two and I think that's when I get released to my regular OB, too.

They did tell me that that aside from genetic abnormalities with the babies, my insulin going all over the map is my biggest risk for miscarriage, so now I'm trying to be super careful with what I eat and really limiting any starch and sugar. Can you please pray with me that I would make a good transition into doing that? Thank you!

Thank you for your prayers and celebration with us. We know these little lives are a miracle and we give all glory and honor to the God who created them!

And now, just for fun...I picked two because we don't know if they're boys or girls yet, so let's be equal opportunity! :)





Celebrating today...

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear

After we lost our girls, I developed an impression of how I expected to feel the next time I was ever pregnant. I expected that keep my feet up, hold my breath, and live in constant fear that the worst would happen all over again. When you experience loss, it's only natural to fear its recurrence.

So I guess that since I got the positive tests on Monday, I've sort of been waiting for the other shoe to drop in terms of my emotions. I've expected fear to take over and have tried to be on my guard against it.

But God, in His never ending compassion and love and generosity, continues to quell every fiber of my heart and mind and being with His peace. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced. He's truly teaching me what it means to live as though I believe that tomorrow has enough troubles of its own, and so I will rest today in Him. I can truly say that I'm not worried. And it's not that I don't think anything can or will happen. I am fully aware of the fact that God can call these babies home any moment. But I'm also fully aware that if He does, He'll fully sustain us with everything we need to walk through that loss and that He'll use it for His glory and ministry among His people.

I'm a worry-wart and a control freak by nature. So all glory is unto God for this Supernatural peace, for it could not possibly and does not come from within myself.

In the mean time, by and because of His grace, we're concentrating on enjoying the growing life in me and thanking God for each precious day we have. DH kisses both me and my belly hello, goodbye, good morning, goodnight, whatever. It's so cute.

God knows what their futures hold, and what ours hold too. We refuse to let Satan use fear and history to rob us of that confidence and joy.

Celebrating today...

Week 4

I think it's so cool. The little babies, which were invisible to the naked eye just a week ago, are now, at 2.5mm long, visible.

Here's what's up this week:

Fetal development in pregnancy week 4:

By the end of this week the round and pointy ends of your little pear-shaped baby will be slightly more exaggerated and their body will look more like that of a miniature manatee. Despite your baby not looking particularly human without any eyes, ears or mouth, the earliest developments of what will become the larynx, internal ear, and eye lens are already forming, although you’d have to be a trained expert to recognize them for what they’re going to be in the future. Likewise, tiny bumps are forming on your little embryo which will eventually be their cute little arms, elbows, fingers, legs, knees and toes. What’s more your little swimmer will have a teeny tiny tail by the end of this week-- but don’t worry, it’s just the end of their developing spinal cord! A microscopic photo would reveal what seems to be their vertebrae filling out the spine and tail. Although they aren’t bones yet, but rather, the “bone seeds” that will give rise to your baby's tiny vertebrae, ribs and sternum.

And as for why I'm considered 4 weeks pregnant, even though the embryo transfer was just over a week ago:

Pregnancies are actually 38 weeks long, but doctors count them as 40, because the good old fashioned way, women don't know the exact moment their babies enter the womb. So, you just traditionally count 2 weeks from your last period. In essence, they're a free 2 weeks.

So, you have those 2 weeks, plus the 5 days old that the babies already were, plus the week and a half that it's been since the transfer, and you've got 4 weeks :D

I'm one of THOSE moms

Who's going to bore you with all the little details about development!

I find this stuff so fascinating. God truly is the author of life--Who else could create something so complex?

Week 3: Your teeny tiny miracle pear

Fetal development in pregnancy week 3: embryo in first month Although your belly is still the same size and shape as it was pre-pregnancy, a plethora of amazing and dynamic changes are taking place despite this fact. Right now your little zygote is already 1.5 – 2.5mm in size. This is quite a change from the microscopic pack of cells you had just two weeks ago. Your microscopic little one is already composed of three complex “germ” layers: the ectoderm, endoderm and mesoderm. Although you could hardly see them at this point, these layers are the beginnings of your baby's nervous system and brain, stomach and inner organs, and skeleton and connective tissue. Your baby is also starting to take on recognizable physical dimensions somewhat comparable to a very tiny pear. The round part of the pear will eventually become the head and the pointy part will be the spine. Perhaps the best part of this week is that somewhere around the 21st day, your miraculous little pear will have a beating heart, although the heart chambers and valves will not be completely developed for another couple weeks.

3 Little Letters

In the last several years, God's often said "No."

Today, we got these three little letters.



Y-E-S. Three letters, so simple on their own, but so powerful and generous when put together.

It's very, very early. (We did take a few tests at different times to confirm it wasn't a fluke). But it's so early, in fact, that the nurse at my doctor's office advised me to not tell anyone until after my blood test and ultrasounds, because "things might peeter out" and we don't want to go around having to "un-tell everyone."

That's one piece of "medical" advice I won't be taking. Our God is big and generous and these lives are already precious in His sight, and in ours. I don't care if we get to enjoy and bless them for 1 day or 1 million, we are going to celebrate their lives. I shall never regret this wonderful day we've had of telling family and friends, and knowing that so many people love these babies already.

We are just concentrating on enjoying these babies as long as we have them. God knows our hearts' desires, and our worries and our fears too, and we're just leaving them at His feet and celebrating the gift we've already been given and trying not to focus on what we might or might not receive tomorrow. God's grace is sufficient for today, and for every day hereafter. He knows what the future holds and holds it, us, and the babies in His hands. We are simply resting in that.

Our blood test is Friday. I don't know when any of the ultrasounds or anything after that will be. I've tried to be SO hands-off and laid back this time around, that I know surprisingly little about the next step(s) in the process. I don't know how many beta tests he'll do. I have no idea if this doc will do early ultrasounds or if he'll release me to my regular OB, at which point, I'll wait til the standard 8-12 weeks. I have no idea when we'll know if it's one baby or two who implanted.

I do know that if it's one baby, the due date is February 1 (according to the reliable internets ;) ) and if it's two babies, the due date is early January. My accountant husband is of course hoping that the two will be a tiny bit earlier, and give us a tax break ;) Haha! Stay put as long as you want, babies dear.

Thanks for celebrating with us, and covering these precious babies in prayer. We are praising God for exactly the amount of days He has numbered for them. Please pray for us too, that our hearts would continue to be guarded against worry and fear, and that they would be fortified with strength, peace, and trust.

Love to you all!

Walking Pharmacy (FET Medications)

This post is going to be very boring for anyone who isn't looking for information on an FET. However, as I am wanting this blog to also be informative for people hunting information Embryo Adoption, I want to include the information.

So unless you want the boring details on all the different medications you're on for a transfer, skip this post.

DISCLAIMER: This post is NOT intended to be medical advice or comprehensive in its information. Never begin a medication protocol without discussing it with your doctor and your spouse and doing your own research. This is informational ONLY, for those just beginning to research the Embryo Adoption Process and who want to know what to expect.

I'm currently taking all of these every day, except numbers 1 and 12, which I alternate.


An explanation of each:

1: Progesterone: You will likely be on some kind(s) of progesterone. In 3 transfers, I've been on several kinds. This particular one is a vaginal cream called Crinone. In previous transfers, I've taken a vaginal suppository called Prometrium. You can also get it in injection form, which I am also on (see below for more info). In every transfer, I've been on multiple kinds of progesterone. Progesterone matures the uterine lining and makes it receptive to an embryo to implant. Progesterone typically starts the week before the transfer and, if pregnancy is achieved, continues throughout the first trimester.

2. Fish Oil Capsule: I take this every day as a supplement to make sure I'm getting the right kind of Omega 3s. The kind of Omega 3 Oil found in fish is only found in fish, and I hate fish, so I take the capsules. Omega 3s are good for your health anyway, but studies suggest it's especially beneficial for mom and baby during pregnancy.

3. My Daily Vitamin: Your doctor may prescribe a prenatal vitamin, or coach you to just take your regular vitamin and a folic acid tablet on top of that. My doctor has told me there's essentially no difference. I take this particular combination because it's one of the few vitamins I've found that is in capsule form (no nasty vitamin taste!) and it doesn't upset my stomach. Your vitamin/folic acid regimen should begin well in advance of your transfer so that levels are good when the baby is introduced.

4. Folic Acid

5. Levothyroxine: Thyroid medication. Though you may not have thyroid issues, your doctor may want to check your levels before your transfer, and after, especially if you have metabolic or hormone issues (which may women facing an FET do). Messing with all your hormones can wreak havoc on your thyroid. My problem is genetic, but was not discovered until a transfer cycle.

6. Cephlex: Antibiotic. Your doctor will put you on an antibiotic for the few days before and just after the transfer, to make sure you don't develop an infection from the procedure. I've typically been on either Zithromax or Doxycycline, but in this case, I already had a sinus infection, so my doctor just had me use this one, stronger antibiotic for both. Your doctor may or may not put your husband on an antibiotic too (my first doctor did, second doctor did not). The way I understand it, it is to prevent you from infecting him if you did develop anything.

7. Prednisone: I actually take 2 of these per day, but that's my last one so it's only shown once. Prednisone is a steroid. Both of my doctors have prescribed a steroid for just before the transfer until a few days after it. It is believed that it aids in implantation, and suppresses your body's tendency to attack the embryos as "foreign."

8. Acidophilus: I take an acidophilus supplement to ease the impacts of the medications (most specifically, the metformin and the antibiotic) on my stomach and digestive track.

9. Metformin: I have PCOS, and I take Metformin to treat its ovulatory and insulin effects. If you are on it already, most doctors keep you on it throughout the first trimester of pregnancy.

10. Estrace: is a form of Estrogen. It is begun a couple of weeks before your transfer and continues through the first trimester. Estrogen is essential for your uterine lining to develop appropriately for a baby and pregnancy. In a naturally occurring pregnancy, your body would produce its own estrogen for this matter, but since your body didn't manufacturer this baby, it doesn't know to start its engines and produce it accordingly, so you have to do this step artificially until the body catches on.

11. Baby aspirin: increases blood flow to your uterus and the uterine lining, which aids in implantation. If you start spotting, your doctor may determine that your blood flow is adequate and take you off it.

12. Progesterone: I take progesterone in Ethyl Oleate. You may take it in that form, or in an oil compound. I previously took it in sesame oil, which is common. I was taken off it due to an allergic reaction. The oil is drawn up with the big needle, and then you switch the needle to the one with the blue end, which is much finer in diameter. This is the needle used to inject the medication. Your doctor will instruct you to administer it in either your hip or your thigh. It typically begins a week-ish before the transfer, and continues throughout the first trimester.

I was terrified of the shots at first, but if you or your hubby are taught well how to administer them, they're a piece of cake. Put the bottle in your bra for half an hour or so to warm it. This thins the oil and makes it easier to administer. Don't artificially heat the oil because you don't want to burn yourself from the inside. If you don't want to go the bra method, use some other form of natural heat (such as friction between your hands).

Rub the top of the bottle with an alcohol swab. Fill the syringe with air, then plunge it in to the bottle and depress the air out. Then draw up the medication, slightly over the amount you're going to take. Trade heads on the needle. Flick out any air bubbles out of the needle and plunge some of the medication out if needed. Swab the area of the skin with an alcohol pad. Pull up the area, and pinch it, HARD. Relax the muscle by lying or sitting, or standing on the opposing leg.

Put the needle in straight, quickly, and all the way. Plunge the medication as quickly as it will let you, then withdraw the needle quickly. Massage the area hard, especially if you're using an oil compound. You don't want the oil to sit under your skin because you'll get knots and bruises. I also recommend putting a heating pad on the area after you're done to aid in the same purpose of dissipating the oil. Make sure you alternate sides so that you don't develop any one area that's too tender. Often times, it's the knots and bruises that hurt, not the injections themselves, so make sure you take the time to work them out.

13. Not pictured: Birth Control. If you suffer from irregular periods, your doctor may choose to put you on birth control for one cycle, in order to be able to better schedule your protocol and anticipate when the best time for a transfer would be. I did the BC route for transfers 1 and 2. With this one, I was regular enough on my own that I was able to skip the birth control, which I appreciated greatly.

14. Not pictured: Valium. The uterus' natural reaction to something invading it is to want to cramp up and expel it. Your doctor will more than likely, put you on valium (or something similar) to relax your uterine muscles for the day of the transfer, and prevent it from cramping up and wanting to kick out the embryos and the transfer tools. Make sure you make all decisions about thawing and transfer before you take the valium, because it can be very altering. You typically take this one hour before your transfer, on the day of transfer only.

That's it!

I've been on 3 FET protocols with two different doctors and they've roughly been some variation of this. Your doctor may have his own preferences but some combination of these kind of drugs (a vitamin, estrogen, progesterone, a steroid and an antibiotic) is pretty standard. Feel free to ask any questions and I will answer to the best of my ability!

PUPO: Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (or, the Details of Transfer 3)

Thanks everyone for your prayers! We had a wonderful day with a very smooth transfer.

As we've said before, each of these tiny little embryos is a tiny little life. Each one is fully human and fully alive and fully created in the image of God. For that reason, we don't believe in discarding any embryos for any reason, so we chose to thaw just two so we wouldn't run the risk of having "extras" or more than we were willing to carry in pregnancy.

Embryos are graded when they're frozen. Our clinic also grades them right before the transfer. In the most common grading scale, embryos are graded on 3 points: a scale of 1 to 5 grades how well/much they’re expanded (5 is high, 1 is low). A grading of A-C (A being best) grades the quality of the inner cell mass. A second grading of A-C grades the quality of the outer ring, called the trophectoderm. The trophectoderm is what becomes the placenta. So, the best rating an embryo can get is 5AA. After that 5AB, 5BB, 4AA, 4AB and 4BB are all considered very good and then the 3s and Cs, and so on and so forth.

When we went in for the transfer, they said they'd graded the embryos 5AA and 4AB. We didn't even HAVE a 5AA to start with. So somehow between the early morning hours when they thawed the embryo, and the lunchtime transfer, one of the embryos actually improved! So we're praising God for already demonstrating how precious, individual, and cared for by Him these little ones are. I really wonder what was going through the heads of the doctors watching this. How miraculous that even after being frozen for 6 years, He re-energizes them and grows them in the blink of an eye.  He truly is a God of life. Not only did these precious babies survive the thaw, He caused them to thrive.

The transfer was, in the doctor's words, "as perfect as you can get." The process is done via ultrasound. You can see the tube go in to the uterine cavity, and then suddenly there's this burst of white and the babies are on board. There's just nothing like seeing that little firework of white suddenly show up on the screen. As much as infertility and having children in a non-traditional route causes the loss of a lot of "precious moments," who else gets to say they got to witness the moment their babies entered their bodies? It gives me chills to just think about it.

Here's a photo of them right after the thaw. The bumpy mass is the baby. The "shell" is what will become the placenta. If the babies grow as they should, they'll expand and fill out the shell and break through it (called hatching).  The baby breaking through is what grabs on to the uterus, not the shell itself. So they have to break out and grab on in order to have a successful pregnancy.



The doctor did say the babies had grown expanded and filled the shell by the time of the transfer (another miracle of growth and life!) and he also said the Embryologist did what's called assisted hatching on them, which means she made a little crack/hole in the "shell" to sort of help that process along. It's actually been demonstrated to help the babies because it's one less fight they have to fight.

So overall, we feel really good about how things went. Now, we just wait and see :)

I felt hit by a bus most of yesterday. We had lunch and bought DH a bathing suit and literally, I slept, or sat on my bum all day long. The amount of valium they give me really takes it out of me. I still feel sort of foggy today--but that's just an excuse to take it easy again another day :D

Thanks for praying for us and the babies. We're really pleased with how the day went!

I'm still not feeling anxious. The peace of Christ truly does surpass all understanding. Either way, God's plan for these little lives is unfolding before our eyes and it's our joy and privilege as their parents to sit in awe and wonder. We'll know in a few weeks whether they're bound for heaven or for earth, but regardless of their next destination, we thank God for their lives, for His work and protection, for His comfort, for His providence, for His mercy, for His love and tenderness, and for His miracles.