Miscarriage...Again

I miscarried over the weekend. We've determined that I can't ever go through this again so this is the end of our Embryo Adoption journey. That's all we know now. Thanks for your prayers.

Rescinding

We've all heard of false positives and false negatives when it comes to pregnancy tests, but I have just experienced a

FALSE MISCARRIAGE!

I am so thankful for the God-given gift of maternal instinct, and the prompting of the Holy Spirit that encouraged me to hold out hope, keep taking my medicines, and ask for another test. The repeat test showed that my levels have now *multiplied exactly as they were supposed to* and, from everything we can know right now through lab work, the baby is JUST FINE. We're not sure what I experienced over the weekend or why the levels did what they did and there are some abnormal markers that they really would like to see improve, so we can still really use your fervent prayers, but hope is not lost, and baby is still here and growing!

I am so frustrated that my hand prevents me from typing everything that has happened in the last few weeks (I do my updates on my phone) so I am seriously considering vlogging it because there is so much glory and miracle to tell of!

Checking In

Hi All,

I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving! We did, but then

It's my dominant hand so I am super restricted in my activity and can't type easily. Texting is a little easier because I can access the whole keyboard with one hand. But, needless to say, that's why I haven't posted.

I got negative home pregnancy tests every day of my 2ww. Then my beta was yesterday and the doctor called today:

The story of God's journey with my heart this week is pretty incredible and I can't wait to tell it when I can type more. 

The reason the home tests were negative is that my blood count hormone is really low. That could mean nothing at all but it could also mean baby is struggling. So we are asking you all to pray with us. Grow baby, grow!

Thanks friends!

We're still alive!

I can't believe it, but Matthew turned 3 weeks old on Saturday! I'm so not ready for this! "They" are not exaggerating when they say that the time goes too quickly. My girlfriend was over with her 3.5 month old the other day and I couldn't believe how DIFFERENT she was with such a relatively short gap between their ages. I'm not ready for Matthew to be that big that soon! Plus, the first week in the hospital is so foggy that I sort of forget it exists and therefore I'm constantly thinking of Matthew as a week younger than he actually is.

So, why the silence. Well, it seems my little man LOVES to be held.  Basically, my hands are free long enough to shower, and to make meals, and to sleep a little at night. The rest of the time, he wants his mama! So I do a lot of READING on the internet. I read your blogs daily--usually during a 2:00am feeding fest. I do a lot of clicking--I've played more Rummikub than I care to admit. I can even do things like upload pictures, because it all only takes one hand. But typing anything longer than a sentence or two? Forget it!  He's not having it! I'm surprised he's tolerating his swing right now, to allow me this blogging time.

We're slowly adjusting to our new life. Last night I got 4 hours of sleep together with just one interruption, and I was practically celebrating. As one who needs a lot of sleep, 4 hours is not something I would have previously considered noteworthy--it's amazing how kids change your life and expectations. Yesterday my victory was getting out to get a few groceries.  Our life has become so much more complicated, and so much more simple at the same time. For Valentine's Day, we took a walk together, I made dinner, and DH made dessert. So simple, and yet the amount of time and coordination it took was surprising!  And I love every second of it...ok, maybe I don't love 2:00am, but I love all the rest of it!

I still think a lot about my labor and delivery. It's on my heart a lot. I guess I feel like there was so much I didn't know ahead of time, so much I beat myself up over, and I just have a heart for wanting other women to avoid going through it if possible.

First, I wish I would have known in advance that there could be legitimate medical reasons for an epidural that had nothing to do with an inability to tolerate the pain. According to everything we were "taught," epidurals are for wimps who can't hack the pain and who don't care about their children. So I struggled with so much guilt when I elected for one, even though I've never actually thought that about anyone ELSE who gets an epidural. I wish I would have known that there could be an outside possibility that my body would actually need it.  I think I would have wrestled a lot less if I'd known that there were reasons other than elective ones to get one. So I guess what I'm saying is get a better, more well-rounded education than I did. When I think about the $300 we wasted on that stupid class we took, I get so frustrated. That class didn't empower me. It scared me.

The other thing I was completely unprepared for was the post-partum mass exodus of hormones from my body. I'm not normally very hormonal. My periods are pretty even-keel, and from a hormonal standpoint, so was my pregnancy.  So when he was born and suddenly my body is freaking out, I was completely unprepared. I would burst into tears all the time.  I cried because I didn't have my conditioner. I cried when DH said something about the light switch in our bedroom. I cried when I woke up one night and found my living room full of people eating ice cream. I felt completely out of control. I felt like a different person who was totally enslaved to these unreasonable fits of sadness. And it scared me. Not in a I was going to hurt someone sort of way but in an "oh my goodness, what is WRONG with me??" sort of way. I had never experienced anything like it and it caught me completely by surprise. That, combined with a level of fatigue that no one can possibly describe to you just had me feeling very afraid and overwhelmed. I know my feelings were exacerbated by exceptionally long labor, physical trauma, and surgery, but still, no one can really prepare you for what's coming. So I guess what I would say to my soon-to-give-birth friends is just to be prepared to feel so, so, SO different than anything you've ever experienced. Everyone talks about baby blues and post-partum but I don't think anyone ever talked much in depth about what it actually looks like in an average person--we hear plenty about extreme cases where someone who goes crazy and ends up on the news, but not much about those of us who live somewhere in the middle of normal and nuts.

Well, little dude is up now and eating, making this typing much more difficult so I guess I need to sign off now. Be back when I can!

Til then, pics...

Superbowl Sunday!


Valentine's Day



My 2 Valentines


Ha ha, 42 weeks ;)

Slow boat to China!

I had another appointment this morning with another NST. Matthew's heart rate kept appearing to crash. They suspected it was just because he doesn't like being on the monitor (he doesn't! He hates it! He always moves when they try to get it on and he'll actually kick the little doppler part!) but the doctor did a detailed ultrasound just in case. As they suspected, he was just being squirrely with the monitor--everything looked great in terms of fluid, heart rate, breathing pattern, and size. U/S puts him at 7lbs 6 oz today-right smack dab in the middle of average :D The bummer is that he's still face up. We've tried a lot of things and he just seems to be content to be sitting sunny-side up.

I did let the doctor check me again (I know, I'm already a Bradley class failure!). I was 5 cm dilated and 80% effaced today but that still could mean hours or days. I know Bradley teaches against checks, but in my case, I'm glad to know WHAT is happening with my body, and I know it doesn't tell me WHEN. Knowing what's going on reassures me that yes, something is happening, I'm not imagining things, etc. I don't plan to do checks once admitted to the hospital.

The doctor did say that there's really no where else to go from here but active labor and he also said that if my water breaks, I basically need to go STRAIGHT to the hospital because things could go very quickly! We're specifically praying that Matthew comes by Friday, January 28 (and truthfully, much sooner!) because my own doctor is on every day til then, but then he's off for either the weekend or the week (can't recall which). I'd really really love to deliver with my own doctor--he's a sole practitioner so his relief is someone from another practice and I've never even met him-not a huge deal, but I'm so nervous already that I'd really just love my own doc if possible.

He did say that because I'm so dilated already, he feels pretty confident that I'll go into labor spontaneously and won't need an induction or anything-so we're grateful for that.

I had some more back labor today so tonight we climbed a bunch of stairs and did some walking. I'll basically do anything to get/keep him off my tailbone. Floating face-down in the pool with a snorkel is the best part of my day! Seriously mamas, you need to try it.

Anyway--off to bed! Night!

Praying this just means active labor will be really fast!

Still here, and Matthew's still playing peek-a-boo. I have tons and tons of contractions every day (and they're labor ones, not Braxton Hicks--by now I can DEFINITELY tell a difference) but I still haven't moved from "early" labor to "active" labor. The doctor said I can go to the hospital when contractions hit 5 minutes apart for 2 hours, or when my water breaks. The closest I've gotten so far is 6 minutes apart for an hour and my waters are still intact.  There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to the contractions. I'll have them for many hours at increasing frequency and then they'll go away completely for like 12 hours or more.  I'm just hoping it means that he's working a little bit at a time, and that when things finally ARE "active," they'll go quickly.

I'm trying not to be anxious. I know he technically could be in there another 3 weeks...I'm anxious to meet him, and I'm anxious to be over the discomforts of pregnancy, but I want what's best for him and apparently he thinks that means hanging out inside a little while longer.

I *am* going to miss his baby kicks, so I'm just focusing on enjoying those right now. My mom came and cleaned my entire house for me this weekend. DH and our neighbor fixed the electricity! The hospital bags are packed. The carseat is installed. His clothes are washed. His bed is made. We have diapers and wipes and everything else we think we need for him right away. I finished my last day of work for now. There's literally nothing to do now except wait for him. DH has given me the gift of just telling me to sleep as much as I can in these last days, so that's what I'm doing.

I had another lovely baby shower this weekend. We 3 are so blessed and people are so generous with us. I was having so many contractions during it though that a few times I thought we might not get all the way through it. As a result, I was a little distracted and didn't remember to take a single picture! But there were many lovely ladies in attendance, the details from the hostess were just darling, and people blessed us with a lot of nice things for him. Today I'm going to work on writing thank you cards and I'm going to sit and read some of his new books to him but other than that, we're just hanging out!

Moving things along!

I had another doctor's appointment today. I told him about the couple of episodes I've had with the back labor and he said he wanted to check me. I was curious myself, so I consented. I think at first he expected to find me closed up tight, having misread or misunderstood those episodes, or mistaken them for Braxton Hicks, or whatever. He did a check and he sounded surprised and said "Wow! You're dilated. You're 4cm and 75% effaced! It sounds like those episodes really were the real thing!"

I know that 4cm doesn't tell me anything about when active labor is actually coming. I know that I could be at 4cm for weeks (I hope not!). But I was pleased to know that 1)No matter when labor happens, 4cm or the work is already done 2)I did correctly understand and identify what was happening, and 3) I made it through those episodes ok, so now knowing that WAS a shadow of the real thing, I feel a lot less scared/overwhelmed/unenlightened and 4)those two horrible episodes were not for nothing! So, we'll see. I'm increasingly uncomfortable every day and my chiropractor said that when he adjusted me today, he could feel/see that my hips/pelvis were all just different-things were lower, looser, and opening up! We'll see!

We got some maternity pictures done the other day. I think they turned out pretty cute!







We did others, but I think those are my favs.

A family friend that DH grew up knowing is throwing us a baby shower on Saturday! Hopefully Matthew won't decide to come AT the party--that would be something! The party is quite far from our hospital so that makes me a teensy bit nervous given how far things seem to be progressing, but other than that I'm looking forward to it! It should be a nice day. What's really incredible is that I don't even know many of the attendees. They are friends of my mother in law, and through her they've followed our story and prayed for us for many years. We and Baby Matthew are so blessed with so many wonderful, generous people in our lives!

I go to the gym pool every night and find that I don't want to come out, ever! I squat, I walk, I swim, I float (face down is super fun-only time I can be on my tummy!), I do this funny crab walk thing, and then I hang on the side of the pool and DH folds my legs back up over my head for a deep stretch--it's heaven! If you're having trouble with your back in pregnancy, see if you can find access to a pool--it's seriously the best hour or two of my day!

Anyway, gotta scoot! I'm pooped. Don't know how many more times I'll check in before he's here! Bye!

FULL TERM!!!!!!

We are officially FULL TERM! Baby could be born now and be considered fully baked-not premature or high risk or anything! Wahoooooooooooooo! I know there's probably not a huge difference between yesterday and today, but having it "official" is just so COOL!

Matthew and I had another fight last night over who was going to get to occupy/control my back. Thankfully, it wasn't as intense or long-lived as the first episode, and it wasn't also accompanied by front contractions.

This is such a weird time. On the one hand, I'm just ITCHING for him to get here. On the other hand, I'm so overwhelmed by the thought of it that I think I could take another 9 months just wrapping my head around it! (Though to be clear, I never want to be pregnant for 18 consecutive months! Did you know that elephants are pregnant for 24 months?? I'm glad I'm not an elephant!)

It's the same thing with birth. After those two episodes, I was really proud of how much I was able to remember about pain management techniques, different positions, relaxation, focus, etc, even while in the heat of the moment and screaming in pain. And DH was a champ, making suggestions, doing anything I asked or needed, staying up with me, etc. And after the fact, I got a little bolster of self-confidence--"I can do this!" But on the other hand, while it was happening, it hurt so, so, SO badly, and it wasn't even the real thing. In the heat of the moment I was definitely thinking, "I can't do this!! Make it stop! Give me drugs!" So that overwhelms me a little. I'm trying to not think about it because it scares me. Do you ever get to a point before the first time where you're not afraid of birth?

I printed out a ton of scriptures on papers to tape around the wall in the hospital room during labor. I'm trying to focus on them now--I don't need to be trapped by this fear! Women do this every day and God designed our bodies for it...I don't know why it overwhelms me as much as it does!

These are the verses I printed out. Does anyone have any other suggestions?

“I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.
~Philippians 4:13

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.”
~Psalm 91:2

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.
~Psalm 118:1

The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
~Exodus 33:14

In my anguish I cried to the Lord and he answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.
~Psalm 118:5-6

May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
~Psalm 20:4

I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise...
~Psalm 18:1-3

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.
~1 Samuel 1: 27-28

A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.
~John 16:21

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
~Matthew 11:28

I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generation. I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself.”
~Psalm 89:1-2

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
~2 Corinthians 12:9

Be still, and know that I am God.
~Psalm 46:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
~Isaiah 41:10

I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
~Psalm 34:4

He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.
~Psalm 113:9

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
~Psalm 139:13-14

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
~Psalm 61:1-4

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak…those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
~Isaiah 40:28-29, 31

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart…”
~Jeremiah 1:5

Listen to this… stop and consider God’s wonders.
~Job 37:14

We have a praise on DH. He's finally starting to feel better. He still has no energy at all, but the violent coughing he was experiencing has mostly subsided, so he rests better, breaths better, and isn't so sore. He was able to work for a few hours today, which was a blessing because he's self-employed and he was starting to stress about all the weeks of work he's missed.

I'm partially packed for the hospital. Again, I keep going back and forth between "Oh my goodness, I have to get this done NOW" and "eh, I've got time." And I don't want to be THAT woman who bring EVERYTHING, but I also don't want to be "man, I really wish I had _________" either.

This is what's in my bag for labor. Do you have any additional suggestions?
Birthing Tub with pump
Cord Blood Kit
Birthing Ball (hospital said to bring your own because they don't have enough)
Camera with extra memory, and battery charger
Massage Aides with extra batteries
Spare Cell Charger
Corn Bag (bag full of corn kernels-you microwave the whole thing for heat)
Scriptures and scotch tape
Crocs
Warm Socks (I hate cold feet!)
Flip Flops for Shower
Bra/Bikini Top to labor in
Bathing Suit for DH
Ipod with charger and little speaker
Baby Book to stamp his footprints and handprints in
My pillow
Chapstick
Water bottle for contraband water
Battery operated fan (I'm always hot!)
Disposable camera
ETA: Snacks (I had this on my list but forgot to type it)

For post-partum I have:
Toiletries
My meds, DH's meds
My own pjs, undergarments, etc
Tucks
PJs and change of clothes for DH
Clothes for Matthew
Going home clothes for me and Matthew
Scrapbook paper for hospital visitors to sign
Receiving blanket
Carseat
Phone numbers to call (in case we forget our cells)
Snacks

Not much else is new here--trying to nest as I have energy, which is not much these days. We do have Matthew's room mostly done! Want to see?

Disclaimer--all the furniture is brown, though some of it looks black


His dresser will go on the far right wall, perpendicular to the window and will double as a changing table. When we are able, we'll buy his bedding set and the quilt will hang on the wall over the dresser until he's old enough to use it. We have a recliner that will actually replace that chair, but right now the recliner lives in our room and will until Matthew starts sleeping in his crib at night. I can't wait to sit in that corner with him and read to him, nurse him, snuggle him in our comfy chair.


His little toy/book shelf. It's just so happy! (Disclaimer, I know to take the plastic off the lampshade! We're just not sure if we're keeping it or not)


This is the bedding we chose. Isn't it cute?


We need to leave for class soon so I have to sign off so I'll just close by embarrassing myself:
37 weeks and a snapshot of how we spend most Sunday afternoons during football season:


And, I may regret or posting this for all the interwebs to see, but here we are in all our goofiness. Yes, I do wear my cheesehead IRL when we're going somewhere to watch the game. And my friend gave me that baby cheesehead for Matthew (though I don't actually wear it strapped to my belly). :D I wanted a picture of our silliness. Matthew better come out holding a "Go, Pack, Go!" sign! Last week, DH and my mom caught me singing to him in the bathtub. I didn't realize they could hear me. It normally wouldn't be so bad...I was singing "Jesus Loves Me" and "You are my Sunshine" and "Skittamarinkeedinkeydink" and "Arky Arky" but then I proceeded to sing him the NFL Song. I think that's when they lost it. Hey, what can I say. Like every other true Packer fan, I take my football seriously! So, without further ado, enjoy a laugh at my expense....Nobody send that to that uncomfortable family photos site!









I embarrass my dog, too.




Last but not least, the 37 week synopsis!

It’s the calm before the storm. Changes in your baby's weight have leveled off with only a few ounces of fat added this week. At this point your baby should weigh in at around 6.3 lbs and 19 inches (with boys somewhat heavier and longer than girls). Happily, as far as internal organs go, they are now developed enough to function in the outside world although the oh-so-important immune system is still developing and will continue to do so after birth. With a large boost of antibodies provided by breast milk when nursing begins. Fighting infection and staying healthy should be well within their physical capacity when your little fighter is born.

Bye!

Dear Back Labor: I never wanted to meet you, ever. Move along.

Dear Back Labor:

Your reputation precedes you. I've heard that you're the most nasty, unrelenting, unapologetic nemesis of the laboring woman. I've heard you're a jerk, and frankly, I just don't like jerks in my life! I made up my mind that I never wanted to meet you. I pulled in the welcome mat, and was determined to be as standoffish to you as possible, hoping you'd decide I was too rude to you to make your acquaintance, and you'd move along.

You didn't get the memo! You decided to introduce yourself to me last night, and you know what, you ARE the jerk everyone says you are. So I'm telling you quite plainly, BUZZ OFF! I met you last night, I never want to encounter you again! Mmmkay? Thanks.

Signed,
Matthew's Mommy

Whoooooboy was last night eventful. DH and I were sitting and watching a movie, and suddenly I sat straight up with the most intense back pain I've ever had in my life. It started square on my tailbone, and radiated a little up and down and then around my front like a belt and then like squeezed me together. I had weird cramps and spasms and overall pain. Then my front would contract forward. I'd be like this for several minutes and then the pain would shift to a dull ache until the next wave. I got a chance to put in to practice all the stuff I've been learning in class--I don't think I've ever been in so many creative positions as I was last night. I was on all fours, I was doing pelvic tilts, I was pacing the house, I was in the fetal position, I was in the shower, in the bath, over the birthing ball--anything to get a little relief. Poor DH was pulling out every massage aide and technique we know. This went on for many hours and the longer it lasted, the more I was thinking that this could actually be it. I talked to the doula, and she said that since they weren't increasing in intensity of frequency (goodness, could they get more intense than that??), it was probably just practice/preparation. This was DEFINITELY a dress rehearsal! YIKES! Am I really ready for this? All I kept thinking was "I'm not ready, I'm not ready!" Do you EVER feel ready?

I knew about Braxton Hicks and about false/practice labor. I DIDN'T know that you could have practice back labor! How NOT fun was THAT!

Things finally calmed down enough for me to fall asleep in the recliner on a heating pad but then about an hour later I woke up. The power in our house is really weird. It's been doing this thing where it just goes out in the middle of the night. (It's ALWAYS at night). Usually it comes back on right away which is super fun because it turns on all the devices and lights with it. Last night it went out and stayed out. Once the heating pad cooled off, I woke up. I had to wake DH because I don't know how to mess with the breaker and stuff. Poor thing was out there at 3 in the morning, trying to get it to come on. He tried again and again but it would flip out again immediately. But for some reason, part of our garage retained power. So then he's digging around in the middle of the night for extension cords to run from that outlet to our fridge and freezer, and then he ran one back to the back of the house to our room for my heating pad. Some time in the middle of the night things came back on (hence my ability to blog) but our poor house looks so sad right now! Thankfully, our neighbor is an electrician so he's going to come help us tonight and see if we can't figure out what's going on. We're really praying it's something small and inexpensive to fix but we also know our home is 40 years old with mostly original wiring, so it would be reasonable for this to be a major problem, too.

Not a lot of news on DH. The best they can figure is that he has viral bronchitis. They're going to re-run his bloodwork next week to see if anything has developed but that's their best guess. The bloodwork did say he was recently exposed to Legionella Pneumonia but recently could be a week ago or a year ago. One suspicion is that's what he had at the beginning of December, and then with his weakened immune system, he caught some kind of virus. Because it's a virus, it's impervious to antibiotics. So they've just told him to try to sleep/drown it out and he can't really go anywhere because they said his immune system is too weak to be out in public and risk catching something else. Poor guy is going stir crazy--tomorrow will be exactly 1 month since he first got sick! So we'd love your prayers for quick healing for him. I really really want him to be better before Matthew comes.

All the activity seemed to die down around 5:00 this morning and there's been no further labor-activity. Now my body is just tired and sore in a "what in the world just happened to me??" sort of way. So we're just taking it easy today and trying to rest a little. I may pack my hospital bag today too, just in case ;) I was just at the doctor yesterday--we're opting not to do cervical checks but we did spend time on the monitor yesterday and they did another ultrasound to check fluid levels (heart rate, fluid, and position were all fine!) Doc said he saw no indication of baby going anywhere soon....but last night sure made me think differently!

Anyway, that's the excitement from this end of the world!

35 Weeks!

Wow, we just ticked off another week on the calendar and we're halfway through week 35! I can't believe I'm getting so close. A friend told me today, "in a couple days, you'll be able to say he's due later THIS month!" Wow!

I've gotten to that point where I'm starting to say, "I officially want my body back!" Don't get me wrong, I'm glad for him to cook as long as he wants to cook, and I definitely don't plan to induce or anything, but I've rather sweetly told him that if he wants to come sooner rather than later, that would be ok with me! I'm to that funny point in pregnancy--you know, the one all the jokes and TV shows make fun of. I waddle, I crash (or rather Matthew crashes) into things, I drop things and then can't pick them up, I need help getting out of chairs, rolling over in bed is a multi-step process, I take potty breaks like every ten minutes, my feet are ginormous (when I can see them anyway), my ankles have ceased to exist, I nap a lot, I huff and puff after the smallest exertion, people make fat jokes at my expense, the whole shebang. And for the most part, I laugh. As uncomfortable as I am, it IS rather fun to be so...typical, I guess? That sounds crazy! But I guess it's just another relishing in normalcy moment for me.

The biggest frustration is that I hurt all the time. I have a bad back, anyway, and God has been VERY gracious to me in sparing me back pain these first 35 weeks. But the last few days, something has changed. I don't know if Matthew's protruding more, or weighing more, or has changed positions, or what. But it just hurts to BE these days. So, that's slowed me down a lot. Today it took me 3 hours to do the grocery shopping--it normally takes me 1.5 hours but I just move so slowly, I had that much to buy, and I had to sit down every little while and just rest. It was really sort of comical at some point. I know things could have gotten to this point a lot sooner, and my DH is sweet to help me as best he can, so I'm not complaining, but it definitely heightens my anxiety for Matthew's quick arrival!

My poor DH and brother have both been in the ER this week, so I'd love your prayers!. DH has been sick for 3 weeks now, and they still don't know what's wrong with him. We're currently waiting on test results to confirm if he has one of two different kinds of pneumonia, or Valley Fever, or something else altogether. Then when we got home on Monday night from Bradley class (which is going very well, now finally!), there were 3 messages from our doctor that said "one of your lab results was abnormal. You MUST call us back tonight." We called and they said that his potassium was "critically high" and that he needed to go to the ER immediately and be retested because if that number was correct, he was on the verge of a heart attack or kidney failure. DH's granddad died at age 36 from a heart attack, so it didn't take him long to panic. Thankfully when we arrived, the nurse at reception said that the potassium level is the most common false-positive they see and that put his mind at ease while we waited. 2 hours later they confirmed that it was indeed a false-positive. They explained that you can damage the cells with the needle when drawing the blood and somehow that damage can produce those really high results --weird! We're so thankful it was nothing. But it definitely gave us some extra excitement! One of us has been in the ER every year in November for like 3 or 4 years now...we thought we'd escaped this year, though we didn't know it would only be on a technicality ;) We still don't know what's wrong with him illness-wise but they changed his medicines on Monday and today he said he finally thought he was feeling a little bit of change/production. We'd love your prayers that he gets better soon, and in the mean time we're rejoicing that this has happened NOW instead of after Matthew comes. When DH gets sick, he gets REALLY sick, and he usually gets sick at least once per winter, so hopefully this is his one time and it will be behind us soon.

My brother is unemployed and uninsured so he went to the ER in the absence of having a primary care doctor. They said he had tonsilitis and strep. If he's still got signs this week, they want to take out his tonsils! He's also developed a problem reaction to some of the meds they put him on so he went back to the ER today and they basically told him "tough luck, we can't help you, you just need to wait it out." So I'd appreciate your prayers for him too.

A HUGE praise is that I saw my brother last week for my birthday on Tuesday and again on Wednesday. He got sick early Sunday morning so the germs were cooking in him some point prior to that, even likely when I saw him. And I of course live with DH. And I had to take him to the ER and went with him to one of his doctor's appointments, neither of which excited me because of the germs in the waiting rooms and such. But God has been so, so, SO generous in that, despite all of these exposures to various kinds of germs, Matthew and I continue to stay healthy. There was one day last week I thought I was getting sick, so I slept all day and woke up feeling fine the next day. Aside from that, I've literally not felt sick or like I was getting sick at all! I'm really grateful for His protection!

We had a non-stress test last week, as well as another ultrasound. My doctor said he's going to do them every week until Matthew's born. Honestly, I think it's for my doctor's peace of mind. He said he just wants to watch fluid and placenta levels. Matthew hasn't really given us any cause for concern in those (or any other, really) areas, but I think he's just overly cautious, especially given his own lack of experience with ET pregnancies. It's ok with me so I'm going with it. The one thing he DID have cause for concern about because of my sudden weight loss was Matthew's size, but he came in at 5.5pounds last week (75th percentile) so he's not worried about that anymore! That puts him on track to be 8.5 pounds at 40 weeks--not too heavy, but I wouldn't mind if he wanted to come at say, 38 weeks, when he weighed only 7.5pounds ish ;) The fluid level looked great, as did the placenta. Matthew is partially locked and loaded. He is head-down (praise God) but the rest of him is still hanging out willy-nilly. He's got his head down, along with his torso, but then his butt and legs are kicked out to the side, and he likes to rest his feet up under my right rib cage. My Bradley teacher called him a "riblet!" But the doc says so long as that front half stays down, we should be good to go! I just can't believe we're talking about that already!

We've washed all his newborn clothes, blankets, and bedding. We'll install the carseat and start packing our bags next week! Have I said I can't believe it, yet?

Anyway, I should get to bed. My family is coming tomorrow for 5 days for Christmas, and all 3 of their birthdays. I think it will be fun and probably one of the last times with everything "this way" instead of the "post-Matthew" way! That's been weird--realizing that we've celebrated a lot of our "lasts!" When we put up the tree, I actually teared up a little--it was the last time for a while that we could put the ornaments wherever we wanted (or even on at all) without paying attention to keeping breakable things away from the bottom, etc). It's not that I'll really miss that, it's just that our eyes continue to open to how much our lives are about to change in EVERY.SINGLE.WAY. It's a little overwhelming!

We had a nice Christmas with DH's side of the family, albeit short (his illness cut our day short), and we spent Christmas Eve with our church and the WWF (Mike's family and the other family from church that make up our trio), so we've had a lot of nice highlights this week, even in spite of DH feeling so lousy. Matthew has already made out like a bandit and he's not even here yet--such that my brother in law joked that next Christmas, he's showing up expecting! People sure do love our little guy, that's for sure!

Ok enough rambling...off to bed! I hope you all had wonderful Christmases and that you will enjoy happy and safe New Year's Celebrations! Love to you all!

PS: I'm current on all the blogs in my blogroll--I just have been unable to think of many comments! But do know that I read faithfully, even when I'm quiet!

34 Weeks-Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday! Woohoo. I'm actually sort of simultaneously unimpressed with the fact that it's my birthday, and completely overwhelmed. You see, the past few years, my birthday wasn't a happy thing. It just marked one more year that my arms were still empty. We began trying to have a child in January of 2004. So it just kicked off an overall period of sadness as I got one year older, Christmas came and went, and we had another "anniversary" of trying. Last year was especially hard because it dawned on me that I'd be turning 30 this year, and probably still be waiting.

My how time and God change things! Now I am pretty ambivalent about my birthday, because I just want time to keep passing so Matthew can get here! It seems like such a small celebration in comparison to what's waiting for us very soon! But reaching 34 weeks is one of the most wonderful birthday gifts I could receive. I've told Matthew he can come any day after January 1 (I don't want to pay my insurance deductible this close to the end of the year :P ) but really, there's so much comfort to me in knowing he really could come at any time and he would probably be ok. 34 weeks feels like a milestone.

His carseat and stroller arrived yesterday. DH put it together and promptly took it for a test drive around the house. It didn't take long for him to begin popping wheelies and talking about getting spinners for the wheels. Boys. It was so cute though. I can't wait to see what adventures those two will have together.

I've been pretty silent because there's not much else going on. I keep making lists in preparation for Matthew's arrival. Last week we went and bought the last few things we felt like we needed for him to be able to come home. DH put his crib together this week. I ordered a tub for laboring-and found it for just $30! Score! Basically, it's a tall inflatable pool but our hospital allows you to bring them in and a local Bradley teacher (not mine) knew which brand fit our particular hospital's showers. For those interested, you might look in to laboring in water and seeing if your hospital will allow it. From what I've read and the testimonials I've heard, it's hugely beneficial. The buoyancy takes a lot of strain and fatigue off the mom, which helps her for the long haul. It also takes the weight off the uterus so it can contract more efficiently. It also allows you to get into different positions. It softens everything up, reducing the chances for tearing or an episiotomy. The weight of the water and the buoyancy alters your blood circulation and causes your body to release additional labor-helping hormones and also send more oxygen to baby. I really want to avoid as many artificial interventions and pain relievers as possible, and water seems to be spoken of so highly as really being a good tool for making this happen. But I was really confused as to how I'd make the logistics work because I didn't want to bring a hose and have to fill the tub across the room and then drain it again (gross), so when Diana connected me with someone who knew of a brand/size that would fit in the shower at the hospital, I was stoked! I'm grateful for God bringing one more detail into place!

The week of New Year's, we're going to install his carseat, take a breastfeeding class at the hospital, and pack his and my hospital bag. My doctor's office doesn't stop labor after 36 weeks so we want to have everything ready to go from that point on because we know if we go to the hospital, there's a good chance we're coming home with him! I can't believe that that point is just 2 weeks away!

Here we are at 34 weeks!


I better get off. I want to do a little tidying around the house. When DH wakes up, he's taking me to breakfast and then we're going to Build a Bear to make this bear for Matthew. Tonight my folks are coming up and we're going to see Narnia--fitting because I saw the first one for my 25th birthday :)

I'll just sign off with what's going on with Matthew this week! Have a great week!

Your amazing baby is on the move! They’ve been riding fairly high in your stretched-out womb till now (while kindly compressing your poor internal organs), but now they’re planning on making the big move to your pelvis this week. If you haven’t noticed it already, you’ll be feeling the weight shift that signals that your baby is most likely out of breech position, with their head now resting on your pubic bone. In liver news: although not quite fully formed, your little miracle’s liver is now capable of processing a certain amount of waste. In general, most of your child’s prenatal physical development is pretty much up to snuff and ready for the outside world. Naturally, further weight gain is expected—so you’re still not at maximum capacity despite probably feeling like you definitely are maxed out.

Checking In

I think my version of "nesting" is incessant list-making and then stewing about all the things still left on said lists, regardless of how many things I've crossed off in any one day. Matthew's little middle-of-the-night dance party had me up several times and DH's snoring has KEPT me up, and then once I had two brain cells functioning at the same time, the wheels started turning about the lists again, so here I am. 4:30am--too tired to actually DO anything on the list, except perhaps make phone calls, which doesn't help because everyone else is in bed! Ah well, I suppose this is practice for *7* short weeks from now!!

I never really doubted that DH and I would be good parents...that is, until now. It's not that we've ever gone into this haphazardly or carelessly, but we're both good with kids, we have what we think are appropriate views on the responsibility of parents, we've had time to watch our friends and determine what we like and what we don't like in terms of approaches, and we have a good support system in place. But lately, as I start reading about all the things I'm supposed to have an opinion on, I find myself thinking, "good grief, I don't have the foggiest clue about what I think on this or that. I didn't even know I NEEDED an opinion on ________________." I guess I'm just experiencing new-parent freak-out. I know that God will give us His grace and wisdom to make the decisions we need to make, but it's hard to turn my brain off. I keep wondering if I've thought of everything, or how I'll find out the things I want to know, and when enough is just enough! So anyway. My latest lists are pediatrician questions and things I still need to buy to feel like we're ready for him to come. Too bad stores and doctors aren't open at this hour!

I had a really nice visit with Kim. I was disappointed to lose a day to sickness. True to my doctor's predictions, it seems to be increasing again with frequency. I'm disappointed, but this time, I know there's an end in sight. I mean, I knew there was an end in sight before, but at months and months away, it sure didn't feel like it. This time, I know it can only go on for 7-9 more weeks so I don't feel overwhelmed by it. Bummed for sure, but not drowning.

Poor DH has bronchitis! We're praying he gets better quickly--when he gets sick, he gets sick and it takes him forever to recover. He's on day 6 now, and the doctor said it looked like it was just starting to get worse! We're also praying Matthew and I don't get it. We'll see how that goes. I felt terrific yesterday morning, crummy last night, and mediocre right now. Mediocre is better than crummy, so I'm hopeful that the "improvement" means that last night was a fluke.

As far as pregnancy goes, I continue to feel pretty well, all things considered. Right about now I think I'd give my left arm for 8 consecutive, uninterrupted hours of sleep (well, maybe not my arm, but definitely a toe or a lock of hair or something!), but I don't seem to yet have a lot of the discomfort that a lot of women experience at this point in pregnancy, and I'm really grateful for that.

We had my 32 week appointment last week. I've lost a few more pounds, undoubtedly due to the rise again in sickness. I'm back down to a total net weight gain of 2 pounds. Doctor wasn't happy with that, and also couldn't really determine Matthew's position, so we're doing another ultrasound next week--oh, darn! He's also going to do a non-stress test at that time. I'm not super worried because I continue to feel him regularly, his heart rate sounded great, my rate and BP were fine and, well, by the time we have the exams, they will be 2 weeks after he ordered them, so the situation can't be too emergent. But we're praying with those factors in mind just the same. And like I said, I'm not exactly disappointed to get another glimpse of my baby boy.

He's started to do what we affectionately call "alien baby." I can look down at my belly and just watch it do these funny moves and rolls and waves. I had been able to see jabs here and there before, but to watch him move all over my belly is so cool and yet weird at the same time. The other night, Kim could see it from across the room! He's definitely exploring in there! It's really fun to watch and for the most part, his movements still aren't uncomfortable for me, thankfully (though last night he did go exploring in my ribs a few time--no, no, baby Matthew!).

I have a few more shower pictures :) Kelly did take pictures of some of those details I mentioned, so I'm tickled pink about that!

These snowflakes were hanging all the way up her banister and across the loft area of her home, which was directly above where we were all sitting. The funny part is that during the shower, they kept falling and crashing down on people (they're plastic so no one was hurt, but they did give us several laughs!)


More friends!


Favors:


Just a fraction of all the lovely food:


Baby's Great Grandma :)


All of baby's grandmas


I'm behind on a new picture because we didn't go to church Sunday (we always take the picture before church), but here's what's up with Matthew this week! :)

For all the weight and bulk you’re lugging around these days, you’d think your little champ should weigh much more than a mere 5 lbs and measly 17 inches in height, but nope, that’s about the average size for a baby in its thirty-third week. In terms of appearances, they’re getting cuter and pudgier every minute as they pile on the baby fat for those adorable little wrist rolls and chubby toes. And as we’re sure you’ve already noticed they’re getting stronger with every passing day. Nowadays, it’s possible to observe a well-placed kick just by watching your belly—but you already knew that didn’t you? Although they’re getting stronger, your bigger-by-the-day baby is losing space to move around, so the actual rate of movement will drop off in the last few weeks, despite that powerful drop-kick they’ve been working on. Hey, did you know you’ll continue feeling their movements even during labor?

Oh, and no weekly update would be complete without more tales from my Bradley class. Last week's class actually WAS useful and gave me hope that we're getting out of the goofy stuff and more into the practical stuff, but still, I have to share the funny stuff. At one point, we were discussing why labor may plateau. She gave us 3 possibilities: that the mother's body is not ready to progress (totally logical!); that the mother may not be emotionally ready to leave her old life behind and embrace her new life as mother (why do subsequent birth labors stall then??); and my favorite, that the baby may not emotionally be ready to come out--specifically, that he's afraid to leave the home he's known for 10 months and go to the unknown, so he lingers in the womb a few moments longer to cope. Ummmmmm, ok. I can understand a baby being physically resistant to change (especially if he's like his momma!) but I'm pretty confident he doesn't have the emotional self-awareness to say "self, you need to get a grip. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts and then let's do this?" I just had to laugh at the absurdity of it.

Then last night I was reading a book on managing back labor. I borrowed the book from my Bradley teacher. And the author told me to punch a wall hard with my fist, multiple times, to learn that...hitting the wall hurts your hand. I read almost the entire rest of the book and I still haven't figured out what that is supposed to teach me about back labor, but again, it did give me comedic relief. We didn't make it to class last night because we didn't think the other mommies would appreciate us bringing our germs to share, but I'm sure we missed some new gems!

Hope you joined me in a few laughs. Now I'm going to go try to roll the buzz-saw over to stop the snoring and try to get a few more hours of sleep. I hope this finds you all well!

Baby Shower Recap

Kim is putting the baby down and chatting with her hubby so I have just a second to post!

My baby shower wast just perfect. 40 people attended and quite a few others sent along gifts though they could not attend. We were overwhelmed with the amount of people who came, and with how generous everyone was. Kim and I were talking. I think that as soon as we buy the carseat, we would be ready for him to come at any time (don't get any ideas, Matthew! Stay put at least 4 more weeks!)--but in terms of the things we need for him right away, we have that and so much more! People were so, so generous! It was such a fun time of fellowship and celebration!

The only thing I regret is that I didn't take any photos of all the details that went into the shower. Kelly had snowflake decorations all over her home. The food was beautiful. She had snowflake confetti and snowflake favors and everything was just so pretty and lovely. I wish I had taken photos of those things but I was feeling a little sick yesterday morning before hand, so I didn't get there early like I would have liked to and then didn't feel comfortable spending time behind the camera instead of with people. Kelly took some photos too, so maybe she got some of those details. But I will always remember all the love she put in to all the "little things." She also had these paper snowflakes and she asked people to write notes and prayers and encouragement on them so it's been sweet to read through those, too.

Here are some pictures. We took a picture with baby's great grandma, and with all of his grandmas, but they're not on my camera. They must be on Kelly's camera so I am anxious to see those.

My dear friend Brenda made this lovely (and delicious!) cake and these awesome cookies for him!




A friend from church made him this darling hat!!


Me and little Miss Ella--belle of the ball!


Kim and I


This is DH's mommy :)


And my mom :)


The fabulous Kelly (hostess)


Kristin made him this adorable Noah's Ark blanket!


And his great-grandma made him this lovely blanket


It was just such a wonderful day. Like I said, I'm just overwhelmed with the care taken in the details, and with how generous people were with their time in attending at this busy time of year, and with the gifts they gave us. We are so blessed--I don't even know how else to say it!

I'll just close with our 32 week picture and update!


32 weeks:

In the latest womb reports, your amazing baby has now developed sensitivity to temperature! This means you’ll probably get a swift kick if you put a hot pad on your ginormous belly. For the Elton John lovers out there-- yes, baby’s got blue eyes. At this point, all babies do, although depending on their chromosomal disposition, this could easily change after birth (or even between now and labor), but for the time being, blue it is. Thanks to their recently matured lungs and a remarkably strong immune system, over 90% of babies born in their 32nd week, survive premature births. So it’s pretty much a done deal. Even if your little monkey’s planning on heading out early, their survival odds are in everyone’s favor. Time to celebrate!

I'll be AWOL!

My baby shower is this weekend. I can hardly wait. I think that over the last 6 years, the baby shower has become more important to me than I think it would have been if I'd gotten pregnant immediately. It's hard to describe. So much of infertility is about loss and compromise. When you throw in public fertility treatments, even more of that plays into things. There's no spontaneous conception. No surprising your husband. No guessing how far along you are. No cute telling of the grandparents that there's a grandbaby on the way. No breezing through the pregnancy with nary a care in the world. You go through embarrassing moments of grief and feeling overwhelmed. You find yourself crying at silly things and completely unable to handle the "normal" at various points in time. You begin to feel...conspicuous. Abnormal. Even cheated sometimes. A lot about your family building experience feels sterile and clinical.

There's something so, so, so NORMAL about a baby shower. I think that's why it's come to mean so much to me. For this day, I get to be like every other pregnant mommy and Matthew is like every other baby! Just me and my loved ones, hanging out and celebrating him! I just can't describe how precious that is to me. A baby shower is right up there with her wedding and bridal shower as a "landmarks" that a woman waits for--or this woman, anyway. And over 6 years of throwing and attending baby showers, you develop a sort of "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" feeling.

So I'm just super excited. The little girl inside me is screaming "it's finally my turn!!" which has a double meaning in that it is finally my turn, because I finally have a REASON for a turn!! For me, it's not even about the gifts. It's about seeing that people love my son. About rejoicing with people. About the silly games and the yummy food and the laughter and the advice and the hugs. For a person whose love language is time, having an entire morning dedicated to just spending time with people I love is exhilarating. I just can't WAIT.

My dear friend who is hosting it has put so much love and effort into it. I haven't even seen a fraction of what she has planned and everything I've seen so far is just so...me. I'm just blessed that people have spent that much attention to detail in blessing us. I really can't wrap my head around it. It hasn't even happened yet and it's already perfect in my head. It sounds so silly to be so emotional over a party, but it really just feels like a dream come true. I just can't believe that I'm the recipient of it. I just can't understand sometimes that I really have friends like that. That people really love us like that. God is so good to me!

When we were pregnant the first time, my best friend had just moved across the country a few months earlier. I had told DH at the time, "I don't care what it takes, please see if you can get Kim here for a baby shower." I didn't really mention it this time around, because she now has two children, including one who is 3 months old. I just didn't think it would be logistically possible. It was the one part of the shower experience that I was disappointed in. I had so much fun throwing hers and having that memory of enjoying the party together, that I was disappointed that she wasn't going to be able to attend mine. It was just one more of those things on my "lost in the last 6 years" list. So anyway. I sort of had this secret fantasy that we'd be at the shower and she'd suddenly walk in and I'd freak and we'd hug and it would be a total shock. But I figured the chances of that happening were nil. It was confirmed last week when we were talking on the phone and she was talking about mailing my gift (don't know why that was the nail in the coffin for me, but it was. Funny what our brain does to us).

Anyway, DH had told me a few weeks ago to refrain from planning anything for this Friday night because it was reserved for "Date Night." Cool. I thought we might be going to the Botanical Gardens for this Christmas thing they do but which we've never attended because it's always sold out. So I was totally clueless that that's NOT what we're doing.

But last night, DH sort of sheepishly and gently said, "Um, if there are any projects around the house that you want to get done, you might want to do those in the next couple days. And you may want to refrain from making any plans for the next week and cancel anything you already planned." He also randomly asked me the other day where our carseat was. Um...we don't have one yet, dear. That got my mind going. The only thing that would take me out of commission for an entire week that would also necessitate my house being clean was company. My mom is local enough that she wouldn't be coming for a week. The only person I could think of who could/would come for a week was Kim. It also made the carseat comment make sense.

I stewed on it ALL night. I kept thinking, "Oh goodness! If she IS coming, I have a lot to do to prepare. And what about the logistics? And if she's ISN'T coming, I'm going to be disappointed all over again." I tossed and turned over and over.

This morning, DH started teasing "I know something you don't know." Then he wanted me to guess. I told him I didn't want to, because I was afraid I knew and didn't want him to be disappointed if I was right. He pressed, so when he asked again "Come on, where are we going on Friday night?" and I responded with "the airport," I think he was surprised. He played possum for a few minutes but then came clean. He and Kim had arranged this a long time ago. She teases him that they've kept it secret for two months and then he cracked 3 days early. It's ok--I'm the same way. I can keep other people's secrets, but not my own. I love to give gifts so I'm always bursting with excitement and end up spoiling my own surprises.

Anyway, so I jumped up and down and screamed and called Kim until she answered the phone and then I gushed some more. Todd said he was sort of glad I told him I knew because then he got to see my real reaction, rather than my pretend-surprise reaction on Friday night, which apparently, I "stink at." I haven't seen her in a year and a half so this visit is LONG overdue. I guess Kim's DH is taking a couple days off work and her mother in law is helping the rest of the week to watch their son, so that Kim can come. She'll be here for A WEEK! And, I get to meet my brand new goddaughter!

Here's the kicker--I posted on my fb page about the visit, and Kelly (friend who is throwing the shower) said that she and another friend Kim (two Kims) had also tried to fly my Kim out, but DH had beat them to the punch. I was just flabbergasted. Kelly and Kim have done so much already. Kelly is throwing this wonderful party, and Kelly and Kim are also the two ladies who worked their magic to get me to the Women's Retreat. I think their generosity is endless. It certainly humbles and overwhelms me to my core. And my Kim said that Kelly has been so sweet in including her with plans long-distance. I just can't believe I have such friends, such a wonderful DH, such a life. My cup runneth over!

So anyway, Kim will be here, so I probably won't be around the computer much while she is. If I'm AWOL, that's why! I just can't explain how excited I am!

Random, completely off topic tidbit: my heartburn has been AWFUL. Like when nausea doesn't start pukiness, heartburn does. I've tried Tums, and Zantac (not together), and bananas, and milk, and water, and lots of other things and nothing was working. My doctor said I can go on another prescription if I need to (my call), but honestly, I'm so over popping pills! I googled last night and found a suggestion to take Apple Cider Vinegar (eewwww!) But, I was desperate, so I figured I'd try it. There were various "recipes" but the basic seems to be one part ACV to one part honey. Some people dilute it with a glass of water, others add cinnamon or cayenne. A lot of people said a minimum of 2tsp ACV and 2tsp honey. ACV is seriously foul in my opinion so I was concerned about gagging. I decided to do just 1 tsp of each and no water, so it would all go down in one swallow. If I needed more, I could do more but I wasn't going to start with more than I needed. It worked...INSTANTLY! And the honey made the taste bearable. I couldn't believe it! DH (the smart one in the family) gave me some technical explanation of WHY it works (something about acid and base) but all I know is that it DOES work. Word to the wise though--I nuked the honey (actually, agave in my case) for 10 seconds so that it would be thin enough to stir in with the ACV. Then I downed the whole thing like a shot--and proceeded to burn my mouth and throat! :P I forget how quickly sugar gets hot-especially an amount that small! So, don't trade a burning esophagus for a burning throat! :P But if you've got bad heartburn, try that method!

Oh, and please join me in congratulating Jennifer, the newest member of the expectant Snowflake Mommy club. Jennifer and her hubby suffered two failed transfers too before this success so they know the deep pain of loss, the hesitation to try again, and the amazing feeling of seeing that "+" sign finally appear! We're so excited for you guys!

Nighty night, friends!

God of Miracles

As you all know, this pregnancy has been rough. Tougher than I ever expected, and admittedly, I've had a hard time appreciating it. But I was thinking today, and one of my favorite things about being pregnant has been to watch how God works in the life of my son to show His power and mercy and glory. God is doing miracles through baby Matthew's life.

The very way Matthew came to be our son is a miracle. The way God crossed our paths with Sheila and Beau was incredible (in a nutshell, she and I had both been in contact with Nightlight already and decided on EA for our families. We "met" on a Christian Infertility Support website and ultimately, they approached us about adopting their embryos. For both families, using Nightlight was a non-negotiable, which is pretty unusual in a self-matching situation.)

The fact that Matthew has been frozen for 6 years and is now (as in RIGHT NOW ;) ) kicking up a storm in me is a miracle.

The fact that July 4, I had some sort of unexplained hemorrhage that could have easily been fatal to him but wasn't is a miracle.

The fact that he's growing and thriving and perfectly healthy after 7 months of malnutrition and heavy medication is a miracle.

Embryo Adoption in itself is a miracle, and Matthew's life is a constant testament to that.

This weekend, we had another one. On Thursday, I started having some minor discomfort and contractions, which I assume(d) were Braxton Hicks (they still may well have been, I just don't know). I had some more on Saturday. They were mildly uncomfortable, but moving positions and stretching out seemed to help. On Sunday morning at church, I was buzzing around hanging Christmas decorations and I started to feel some. I wasn't terribly worried. But they started coming more frequently and lasting longer. I sat down during service, figuring they'd die down when I settled down. They didn't. They continued to increase in frequency and length.

After I'd had 15 or 20 over two hours, and I was getting light headed and crampy, I thought "hmmm, I think this is more than the max number the doctor said I should have without being worried." I wasn't uncomfortable or alarmed, but I figured I'd call him because he told me I should. I reached him and asked what the "concern" number was. He said "6 in an hour." I said, "Um, I've had several more than that." I gave him the quick details and he said "that's more than I'm comfortable with you having. I'd like you to go over to the hospital and be checked." My doctor is very conservative and non-interventive (as we know) and when I called him, I honestly expected him to say "no big deal!" So I was slightly concerned when he wanted me to go to the hospital but I still wasn't nuts. I really think this in and of-itself was a God-thing because I'm generally a freaker-outer. But I was just like "hey, let's go to the hospital! Hope I'm done in time for kickoff!" ;)

I had told a friend of mine I'd take her and her hubby's picture after church. So I wanted her to know I was leaving early. I slipped her a note and just asked her to pray. No big deal, just a "hey, this is what's up and I'm not flaking on you." We got in the car and went to the hospital. I had a couple of more in the car on the way.

We got to the hospital and they did an initial check in. They couldn't find Matthew's heartbeat at first but assured me that it was probably just due to positioning and that they'd probably find it easily in triage when I was lying down. I answered a lot of questions and realized that I was feeling 100% normal. I got back to triage and they strapped me to the monitors and found his heartbeat right away. I was on the monitor for almost an hour and a half, and during that time, I had....







0 contractions. Not only did I not FEEL any, the monitor didn't even detect little ones. Matthew's heart rate looked great, mine was fine, my blood pressure was great-absolutely no signs of anything amiss. She tried to do a cervical check to see if I was dilating or effacing and then she said "I can't even FIND your cervix. That's a good sign that it's high up and no where near getting ready for birth." They kept me on the monitor for a good long while (I think about an hour and a half?) and then checked me out and sent me home!

On the way home, I called Cindy (friend from church) just to update her. She told me that she had passed my note to another friend, who passed it to the Pastor. I guess that at the end of service, he gave everyone a quick update and asked people to break up into small groups and pray for us. Well I thought back over the morning's events, and the time they would have all been praying was exactly the time I had my last contraction. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it!

I came home, rested the rest of the day, and have had absolutely zero contraction activity ever since. God continues to overwhelm us, to bless us, and to speak and work in unmistakably-HIM ways. Glory to God.

And can I just say how much I love, love, LOVE our church? Every time I get frustrated with the politics and the business of things, I remind myself that this group of people loves on each other better than any church or group of people I've ever been a part of. I just love that we were in need, and their immediate response was prayer and love. The body of Christ is just so COOL (sorry, I lack a more sophisticated way to describe it!)

So, that's our excitement for the weekend! God and Matthew make quite the pair in keeping us on our toes! But they always give us such wonderful stories of God's goodness to tell.

It's interesting to think about in the context of Advent. I've thought about Mary a lot in recent years, especially having experienced loss of children immediately before the last two Christmases. I've thought about what I imagine must have been her pain, her fear, her surrender, her unknown, her loss. But this year I think about what it must have been like to have a front-row seat to that kind of display of God's glory. To know that God gave her this precious Son, through which He'd change this world. How full her heart must have been! What a privilege it is to watch God working in and through the life of your child to demonstrate His own power and glory!!! I am so grateful God has already given me so much of that! My heart is full! I marvel at His goodness! It also makes me more keenly aware of the magnitude of His sacrifice.

So, lots to think on!

Here's what's going on with Matthew this week:

Your not-so-little-one is just a bit closer to their birth weight and height at around 4 pounds and 17 inches. With each added layer of baby fat, your baby's skin starts to look more and more like it will when they finally get to see the light of day. The heavy news: you can expect your miracle-gro muffin to gain about a half a pound of weight per week from now until about two weeks before birth. Great. That's just what you needed. Even more weight to carry around!

Your baby's still-developing immune system has gained substantial strength over the past few weeks getting them in full gear to face our disease-ridden world o’ wonders. Obviously, a large majority of your child’s immune strength will be derived from exposure to breast milk as well as the outside elements. Their cute little noggin’ (which could already be covered with luscious locks or just purty peach fuzz), is still soft because the skull bones have not yet fused together. As much as that sounds a little too vulnerable, their “skull softness” allows for a much smoother passage through the birth canal during labor—something both you and your little swimmer will appreciate when it’s finally time to “go!” Also, some babies will have that “soft spot” on their head for up to one year after birth.

And here we are yesterday before church. I can see now in looking at the picture that I was pretty puffy in the face yesterday morning, but I didn't realize it at the time and none of that swelling was present by the time I got to the hospital.


Had Bradley class tonight. I'm convinced that given our personalities, it was probably not a very good investment of our time and money. Content aside, there's so much in their methodology of research and instruction that I just don't respect or agree with. It makes it hard to filter through a lot of what we think are bogus research techniques and teaching methods and hear what is true fact. I'm still praying that despite our frustrations with it, the classes will prove to be useful in the end. They did do something tonight to give us a good laugh. They gave the husbands a list of things to say to their wives during childbirth. One was "Think of yourself as a leaf, floating on a stream." Corny, but I guess if you're into that visualization stuff, it might be peaceful for you. But the one they said that really made us all laugh was "Picture your cervix, opening like a flower." I told DH that while I've never been through labor, I'm pretty sure that in the interest of his own safety, he probably shouldn't say that to me. ;) They did have other things on the list like telling your wife she looks great, she's doing well, baby's almost here, etc, but that one really gave us a laugh! So, pregnant friends, here's to us and our lotuses! :D

We have our hospital tour tomorrow--eek! And our baby shower is on Saturday. My sweet friend hosting it for us told me today that she has 44 people coming!! And a girlfriend tonight told me she's coming but hasn't RSVPd yet, so it's 45! I am STUNNED! We are overwhelmed! One of my favorite parts of being Matthew's mommy is seeing how many people already love him. And these are just two more things in the "Oh my goodness, this is REALLY happening" category! DH is taking me...somewhere on Friday night, but his lips are sealed on where! Next week we have another doctor's appointment--we're in to biweekly appointments now! So much is changing so quickly! This is really happening! :)

30 Weeks!

We've reached 30 weeks! There is approximately 1/4th left. In a couple of days, I'll be able to say "He'll probably be here next month!" Soon we'll be in the single-digit number of weeks countdown. Soon 2010 will be over--my last year with empty arms. It's just all too much! I'm overwhelmed and overjoyed!



Here's what's happening with Baby Matthew:

The light is visible at the end of the tunnel! Your oversized self and amazing growing baby have finally reached the single digits (in terms of weeks till birth)! The fine lanugo hair that has been growing all over their little monkey-like body is going to start falling off this week in preparation for the big day. But don’t be shocked if they’re hairier than you’d anticipated, some babies keep their lanugo until after birth. Still, it’s not any cause to be concerned as it will fall off eventually. No surprises here: your little porker is getting even cuter with increasingly pudgy arms and legs this week thanks to the ever-growing layers of subcutaneous fat. In terms of numbers, your baby should be weighing in at around 3 pounds 12 ounces (or more!) and be nearly 16 inches long.

We have our next doctor's appointment tonight, and then I think I switch to bi-weekly appointments!

Hmm...not much going on. We had a wonderful visit over the weekend with Todd's roommate from college and his bride-to-be. Their wedding is the same weekend as Matthew's due date, so we obviously won't be able to attend. So they flew down to spend time with us instead. It was wonderful.

I've been struggling a little with dizziness and light-headedness. I've read that this is normal. Trying to up my water intake, sleep, and exercise to see if that helps reduce the spells. If you have alternate suggestions, let me know.

Random note-don't do business with Dimplesbaby.com. The carseat and stroller I ordered in September still has never shipped, and from what I have been reading online, this is par for the course for them. Sigh--I knew the deal was probably too good to be true. Back to the drawing board!

I'm off to the zoo with Diana and then to do some errands. I'm making some mixed nuts and candy to give as stocking stuffers and gifts for some of DH's work associates, so I'm going to try a dry run this week.

I hope you all have a blessed Thanksgiving!

Respite and Contentment!

DH and I just returned from a wonderful weekend away in Flagstaff, AZ, which is a town about 160 miles north of here. We went up for our church Women's Retreat. Yes, you read that correctly. *We* went to the Women's Retreat...kind of.

Two of the ladies who coordinated it are dear friends of mine. They'd been encouraging me to go for a long time. I finally told them that I just didn't feel comfortable going and having a roommate, who I knew would have to hear me barf, be interrupted by my constant bathroom trips in the middle of the night, or be inconvenienced if I wanted to nap mid-day. I also said that I didn't feel comfortable making the long, remote drive alone, knowing that I'd potentially be pulling over to the side of the road frequently to be sick, but that I also really didn't want to carpool or ride in the church van and have anyone else have to put up with that. Our 5 hour drive to San Diego took us 8 with all my stops, so I knew a 3-4 hour drive could easily be much longer, and I didn't think that was fair to anyone else, especially for a *relaxing* weekend. So I politely declined and wished them a nice trip.

They came back to me and said that when they booked the hotel, they'd committed to having 20 women there, so they were paying for meals and rooms for 20, but didn't have that many signed up to come. Since they were going to pay anyway, they said I could have my own room. Then they said that if I was going to room alone, I might as well bring DH, and that would solve the driving issue, too. It was way out of my comfort zone to be going, but the way was paved so smoothly, that I decided to go!

I am so, so glad I did. I truly enjoyed respite.

We left Friday at lunch time and just took our time getting there. We stopped as often as I needed to, and DH drove while I lay down when I needed to. My father in law loaned us his SUV, which is much nicer and rides more smoothly than our vehicle. Climbing the altitude would have been sort of Fred-Flinstone-ish in our car, so I was grateful too for his generosity, because I think I did as well as I did on the long drive largely due to the vehicle.

We got to the hotel and took a little rest, and then went out for a date-night dinner before the retreat began. Flagstaff is just lovely-it's small and quaint, and surrounded by the natural beauty of forest and wildlife. After dinner, I ditched DH for prettier ;) company, and enjoyed the first session at the retreat while he had some nice alone time.

The next morning, I was really sick. I was able to make it through one morning session, but I missed the other, most of lunch, and all the free time. I was frustrated, but I found the timing to be testing, considering that the theme of the weekend was "contentment."

Meanwhile, DH had fun going out and scouting the town, touring Old Route 66, reading, resting. He does so little for his own rest and enjoyment that I was really grateful for him that he had that opportunity. And the ladies were so sweet. They had given each of us gals a goodie bag with snacks, fuzzy socks, and a journal for the retreat. They made a bag for him too-complete with a Nerf Gun and mini Nerf gun for him and baby Matthew, the book "Bringing Up Boys" by James Dobson, and his own manly comfy socks. The ladies really just went out of their way to bless DH and I both.

After sleeping much of Saturday, I was able to rejoin for Saturday evening's dinner, the evening teaching session, and games afterward.

This morning, I felt really pretty good and was able to participate in the worship session and the final teaching session, as well as the end sharing time.

DH was in and out--he drove another lady and I to and from our room when the walk got too long. He had meals with us, and he helped load the van this morning. People tell me what a sweetie he is--of course I know it already. I'm just glad I was smart enough to marry him!

After the retreat ended this morning, DH and I went for a walk in the woods around the hotel. I had been wanting to do it all weekend but hadn't felt well enough to. It was so peaceful and lovely. We took the opportunity to use my nifty little remote and take a picture of the 3 of us--something we hadn't done since our trip to San Diego when I was still in the first trimester.




DH did this after I had pushed "click" on the remote timer. Isn't he sweet?


Then we got in the car and drove to Sedona. I'd also never been there, though our state is famous for it.

Sedona is nice enough, but the canyon you have to drive through to get between the two towns is one of the most beautiful places I have *ever* seen. I've never seen anything like it. The mountains were unlike any I've ever seen--rocky and imposing, but still covered in trees. There was water in the canyon and the trees hadn't gone completely barren yet so there was still a lot of green, red and yellow just EVERYWHERE the eye could see. I tried to take a photo but I couldn't do it justice. But coming around the bend and just looking down into this gorgeous valley just takes your breath away. I literally gasped when we came around the corner, and not just because we were near the edge of a perilous cliff ;) Several times, I asked DH to either slow down or pull over, just so we could enjoy it. And we did! It was wonderful to just have the freedom to do that. I've way way WAY over-saturated these in photoshop just to try to give you an idea of how beautiful and rich the color is in real life. I wish I could have done this place justice--you'll just have to go see for yourself!






We eventually made it to Sedona, which was beautiful in its own right. Though I preferred the lushness of the canyon, Sedona's majestic red desert mountains are pretty incredible, too. We wandered the town for a little while and ate out on the patio at this darling little restaurant. We played "identify that mountain" along with a little map that told us all their different names, but all we determined is that we're really bad at that game.

Sedona actually kind of made me sad. The town is a virtual epicenter for all things spiritual and self-aware, but pretty anti-God. Everywhere you turn you can get a palm reading or a psychic consultation, or a moon crystal or some other man-made way to heighten your sense of spiritual or self-awareness. Many believe that there is some sort of power in the rocks and mountains. I couldn't help but feel sad that here these people are in what is quite possibly one of the most beautiful places on this earth, and they can't see past the creation to the Creator. It was hard for me to grasp how people could see a place so beautiful, and NOT wonder about Him whose handiwork it is.

We went up to Church of the Holy Cross, which was also sort of sad. It was originally a place of worship, but now is just a tourist trap. People go up to see this beautiful place designed to worship God, and on their way out, leave various remnants of their own spirituality in the form of lucky coins and charms, etc. I didn't even feel comfortable going inside the chapel, but the park around it did afford some beautiful vistas.

DH took these-didn't he do a nice job?








Then we decided to head home and said goodbye to the beautiful scenery. When I was at the chiropractor last week, I noticed a flyer for a WWII airplane display. DH and I had briefly talked about stopping there on our way home tonight, but we'd forgotten completely about it. Just as we were driving past the freeway exit for it, one of the planes on display flew right over our heads. So, we jumped off the freeway and headed to the airport. There were 3 on display-a B17 Bomber, a B25 Bomber and a B29 Bomber. We got to go inside the B17 (well I could only go in the rear because baby Matthew and I couldn't climb up to or fit into the front!), and see the B25 and B29 in flight--that was SO cool! I'm so grateful that we still have people willing to invest the time in preserving these planes and the legacy of the men who flew them.





Then we finally headed home, where we've just been relaxing all evening. We were just saying what a treat it was to have no agenda today--to just say "hey, let's do this!" and then actually do it. Usually one of two things derails us--busyness, or tiredness. Often when we get a free day, we want to spend it napping--but today was so much more restful than sleeping usually is! We both resolved we'll try to do this more often! And quality time with my sweet DH fills my love-cup faster than anything else a human being can do, so I always just drink that time up so deeply.

So anyway, it was truly just restful in every sense of the word. The hotel was just lovely. The surroundings were serene. The company was wonderful. The teaching was challenging. The pace was gentle. It was just lovely.

Back to the retreat. The theme was contentment. I really was challenged in a lot of areas. I'm honestly still processing, but I wanted to share some things that really struck a chord with me.

She cited this book from the 1600s, in which the author describes contentment as:

The inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit, freely submitting to and taking pleasure in God's disposal in every condition.

I really liked that definition. She went through and unpacked each word. Quiet was the hardest one for me to wrap my head around. It doesn't mean not feeling something, not bringing your complaint to God, or even not sharing it with your friends. But it is marked by an absence of grumbling, pining, vexing, etc. I really have been noodling on the difference between sincere lamentation and honesty with God, and just grumbling. I know I've been camping more in the grumbling department these last months, so I'm really trying to decide what/where the difference lies and how to make my heart and weakness known to God and to be authentic, but to not get sucked in by it.

She also dissected the "in every condition" to specify every type or kind of condition/affliction, every timing and duration of a condition/affliction, and every variety of or change in a condition/affliction. I really appreciated that because I think when I've considered that before, I've really only thought about the type/kind.

A lot of times over our journey of infertility, I thought about what I was missing out on, and what I'd lost or potentially lose. And I won't lie. That pain is real and deep and hard and I don't mean to minimize it at all. But she said something that I wish I'd better understood at that time:

God is the giver of goodness. The thing we desire is NOT what holds or gives the goodness associated with said goal. Therefore, He can also give that same goodness in the absence of whatever it is we desire, and specifically in coming to a place of being content in that absence.

She challenged us that it's not enough to have ____________. You must cling to the God of ___________. Put in whatever you want in that blank--health, life, riches, family, provision, security, etc.

I think I have learned a lot of that over the last 6 years, but I think I also forgot a lot of it over the last 7 months. This stupid sickness has allowed in more fear and worry and weakness and bitterness and whining than anything has in a long time. How quickly so many years of God's toiling in my heart have been undone. Don't get me wrong. It really stinks to be so sick. It's hard in every way. But I think for 7 months, I've just stopped at "this is hard!!" She even gave a list of excuses we use to wallow in our discontent. Of the 10, two really stuck out to me as a "hello, Jen! This is for you!"

"You just don't know how bad it is." Well, that's true. You probably don't. I have to ask myself, so what? That doesn't give me an excuse.

"But I worked so hard and now THIS!" Ha! after 6 years of infertility, I definitely felt entitled for SOME part of this to go easily. But really--what am I basing that on? Some kind of "fairness?" If life was about what was fair, I'd be bound for or already burning in Hell.

Another thing Dora said this weekend was that God knows the best medicines for the specific diseases of our heart.

For whatever reason, physical affliction seems to be God's best medicine for me right now. And I've just refused to see this as an opportunity for spiritual growth. I've been so focused on survival, that I didn't really see that this could actually be for my nourishment. Honestly, I don't know that I could tell you right now what puking a kazillion times a day is designed to do for my spiritual health. But, by God's grace, I'm determined to find out. I really appreciated her challenge.

She left us with 6 questions that I'll share here because I think that they're appropriate for all of us, no matter where we are in our spiritual walk or what our bone of discontentment is:

She asked the question, "Are you satisfied with God?" And then specifically she said:

•Are you satisfied with Who He is?
•Are you satisfied with what He is like?
•Are you satisfied with how He does things, both globally and in your life specifically?
•Are you satisfied with where He is?
•Are you satisfied with when He does things?
•Are you satisfied with why He does things the way He does?

I think most of us could answer several of those questions in the affirmative. And I think we could even answer the general "are you satisfied with God?" question with a "yes." But when she really broke it down into those specifics, I was a little more hard pressed to say that I can say "yes" all the time.

So, I have a LOT to noodle on. A lot I've been convicted on. It was particularly funny as I was puking my guts out Saturday morning to think, "Ha! See how content you are with THIS!" Talk about application! There was a lot I've been challenged to just think more on. Even some things she said I didn't quite agree with, but they still challenged me to better define my own thoughts on the subject. In addition to the teaching, we had some wonderful worship and fellowship at all with such sweet ladies from my church. I really just love our church family so much and it was nice to be away and enjoy the fellowship after some of the struggles I've had recently with my roles at church. It was definitely where I needed to be this weekend, and God just made the way so smooth for me to be able to be there. I'm just so grateful.

I really need to go to bed but I really don't want this weekend to be over. I can't remember when I've had a weekend that was both so fruitful and so restful at the same time. I know I received a precious gift this weekend. Thank you God, and to you ladies He used to give it to us.

I guess I'll close with one last picture....29 weeks! Forgive the hair...Flagstaff made it...um...big! :)


I'll catch up on all y'alls blogs early this week! Thanks for checking in on mine and I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!