On the Eve of Frozen Embryo Transfer Five

I'm sitting here on the eve of what I think is our last Frozen Embryo Transfer, waiting until I can take my last meds and go to sleep. I've been thinking about all of the other nights like this one, and how each one has been so different. In so many ways, they're each the same--try to relax, try to get sleep, drink until my belly hurts, and think about the babies I might get to meet.

Before the first one, I was hopeful, optimistic, expectant. We got pregnant, and I miscarried, and I was confused.

Before the second one, I was cautious, but still hopeful. The transfer failed.

Before the third one, I was detached, but still hopeful, if that makes sense. I felt the least connected with the process itself, but I think as a result, I also felt the most peace. That transfer resulted in the pregnancy with Matthew.

Before our fourth transfer, I was weary, afraid, and cynical.I went through the motions but deep down, I really had zero expectation that it would work. That transfer failed.

This is our fifth and final transfer. I think I'm all of those things, and none of those things. I haven't been counting down the days on the calendar, but I haven't been dreading them, either. I've been aware that the day is approaching, but not anxious. I've been cautious, but not cynical. I've tried to hope, but have not been naive.

I reactivated the posts I deleted before our loss in 2012 so I was able to read some of my thoughts from previous transfers. I suppose this is the benefit people keep talking about with journaling.

The one constant has been God's grace. His grace with His generosity, His grace with His patience, His grace with His guiding, His grace with His compassion, His grace with His companionship, His grace with his provision, His grace with His refining, His grace with His comfort, His grace with His rebuke, His grace with His love. Though my heart has been different on each of these nights, His heart has remained the same. It is one full of desire for His glory, for His salvation, and for His deep love for His children. It has always been true, peaceful, just, merciful, careful, purposeful, and trustworthy. God is faithful, steady, and unchanging.

I think tonight, I feel peace. God's peace. I've caught myself sort of deprecating hope and saying things like "why am I even talking about baby names? This isn't going to work, anyway." And then I've caught myself thinking, "But wait. You don't feel that way anymore." It's a reflex of cynicism and loss, but I don't feel like those things are the primary voice in my head and heart anymore. I've conditioned myself to think that way, but God has loosened me of some of it. I have hope, but not expectation. I have trust, but not fear. I truly have no idea if this is going to result in children in our arms or not, but I am not afraid.

The peace is from the Lord. I've tried to be intentional about asking for it, praying for it, meditating on it, and He has been gracious to answer my prayers, and guide my heart to ask for more. I'm the sort of person who works out her faith through lots of questions and running in circles. And I've come to determine that that won't change, and the fact that I still have those questions doesn't mean I don't or can't have peace. Peace comes with accepting that I may not be able to answer those questions.

We asked our Pastors and Elders to come over to our home and pray with us this week, and they did. I don't think they have some secret batphone to God and I don't want anyone reading this to get the wrong impression. But we are instructed in God's Word to intercede for one another and with one another, and this was a ministry of encouragement and blessing to us, regardless of the outcome. We joined them in praising God's character, His love, His plans, His power, His design. Those things are unaffected by what will come.

So I'd ask you to join us in praying the same way we have been praying. Pray to praise God for His plan and purpose in this procedure, in our lives, in our babies' lives, in Matthew's life, in the doctors' and nurses lives, and in the lives of the Genetic Parents and Siblings. I'd ask you to pray for comfort for the Genetic Family, for wisdom and skill for the doctors, and for peace for us as we wait for, and then accept whatever the answer is.  I ask you to pray that the Holy Spirit continue to help us worship and trust and believe, no matter what comes. I ask you to pray for God's peace for us, and most of all, to pray for His glory to be revealed and magnified.

And please give a little one in your life a hug for me, to wish my girls a Happy Birthday. Saturday is their 6th birthday in Heaven. The timing of this transfer has not been lost on me, but we trust God in His timing, too.

More pregnant than I've ever been

At approximately at this time of evening, this exact number of days into my pregnancy, I was arriving home from the hospital emergency room after spending the worst night of my life miscarrying our daughters. It was an experience I hope never to experience again. The miscarriage itself was alone traumatic, but doing so among the worst hospital staff I've ever encountered, lying there bleeding helplessly all over the place, while the staff around me refused to answer me because "the doctor would be in soon" (7 hours later!), while the worst nurse imaginable dug around in my arms for almost an hour trying to start an IV (for what, i still don't know), none understanding why I was freaking out so much because it was "so early" and we could "always try again" was beyond what I could handle. Honestly, it was the stuff that nightmares are made of. And I've tried not to think about it because reliving it was too awful. Each woman needs to make her own choice, but if God does take these babies (or any future ones), I don't want to go through the experience in a hospital again.

So all day long, I've sort of felt in a fog. I've felt a numbness for this day, and a genuine surprise that I am at the end of it without incident. It wasn't a conscious fear; I have absolutely no reason to suspect that this pregnancy will turn out like the last one. My medications are adjusted properly (unlike last time), I weigh less, I am eating right, my doctor is better skilled, and most importantly, these are different babies than the last ones, and God has a different plan for them. But still, the scar tissue is there and it was sort of always in my head. I am now more pregnant than I have ever been. And I'm at a loss to describe how I feel. I truly don't have any idea what tomorrow will look like. Pregnancy up til this point has been sort of familiar. But starting tomorrow, it's all uncharted water!

I am overwhelmed with gratitude to God for the length of time we've had with the babies and I pray that these are just the first of many, many days. But in a lot of ways, I feel like I just found out I'm pregnant all over again. Everything from here on out is completely foreign to me. I have a sense of bewilderment as I look toward tomorrow! I don't have anything super spiritual to say about it all... I'm just working through my feelings. I'm missing our girls. I'm excited that God has seen fit to continue this pregnancy. I'm a little bit nervous, despite the fact that my head knows Who is in charge. I'm exhilarated and terrified at the same time. I'm just processing through it all I guess. I know the Lord will sort through the thoughts and emotions with and for me, so I'm grateful that I can leave that up to Him because I feel like my head is spinning.

We had a nice day today. We went to church and were very late because morning sickness necessitated a stop (that's not a complaint-I actually love the reminder that something is really happening). Then we had a lunch fellowship time at the church and then we came home and napped a while. I went to the gym and had a nice long workout, spent the evening with DH and now we're on the way to bed.

I actually have to call my regular OB tomorrow and get on their calendar for my first prenatal visit. I figured I'd wait til after my ultrasound, but I was just looking at their website and they like to do their first visit at 8 weeks, which is the same week as the ultrasound, so I guess I need to schedule it! That feels surreal too--the prospect of leaving my RE and returning to a "normal" doctor is just so...sublime. After so many years of doing everything unconventionally, to know that in a few weeks, this will be treated like every other "normal" pregnancy sort of blows my mind.

I find myself rubbing my belly and talking to the babies all the time. I can't wait til I have something external to show for it so I don't just look like a fat lady who is clutching her tummy because she's eaten too much or is suffering from indigestion ;) But, it's so wonderful to know that they're going here and there and everywhere with me :)

I'd best get to bed. Goodnight everyone!

Happy Birthday, Lucy and Mary

Hi Friends,

Hope you all are well! We are doing well. We are on track to proceed with the transfer for December 2nd. We have one final ultrasound on Tuesday, wherein they will check to make sure my uterine lining is thick enough for (an) embryo(s) to burrow into. I finished the really awful drug and the new set has been much easier, undoubtedly because it's something the body is supposed to produce, rather than something artificial designed to stop the body from working how it should. Assuming the ultrasound goes well, we will start the last round of meds this week, including the big honkin needles that we'll inject in my bum every day; about this, I'm still freaking out. Thankfully, a sweet nurse friend at church has volunteered to help me with them as often as I need her. Another good friend has also offered to help, but mostly because I think he likes being a pain in my butt. We passed on his offer. :P

College roomie and her hubby and daughter stayed with us this weekend, which was great fun.

We had a really wonderful morning of fellowship at church. I'm teaching the 4s and 5s. I've been out of the classroom a long time, partially due to some experiences at our last church, partially due to overall burnout, and partially due to IF stuff, when my heart was just too broken to minister to other children while missing my own. But, praise be to God, my heart is really at a place where it can handle being with the kidlets regularly, and I am so grateful. I have 4 little boys in my class, which also concerned me a bit at first because of course, I am a girl, so it's easier to know how to teach things in manners they would enjoy. But I've enjoyed tapping in to my creativity to reach out to these boys--I pray something is getting through to them. They are certainly teaching me! I'd forgotten how much I really loved doing this.

The love of my life is tall, blond and handsome. But a short, dark-haired little cutie pie has me wrapped around his little finger! We've been spending a lot of time with some friends from church (the husband being said enjoyer-of-being-a-pain-in-my-bum!) and they have 3 darling children. Their middle child and I especially have a special bond. God has used him to teach me and remind me of so many things.

In my younger years, I was around children constantly. I taught Pre-Kindergarten. My degree is in Children's Ministry and at one time I was involved in every Children's Program the church I attended at the time offered. I lived and breathed being with children.

But for several years now, I've had to protect my heart and I stayed away from children and activities related to them. My longing and grief was just too great. As God has healed my heart, children have again become a source of joy again I had forgotten how much you can learn about God (and about ourselves) through the eyes and heart of a child, especially the eyes and heart of this particular precious little one, who loves unconditionally, trusts wholeheartedly, and is full of the faith and joy of a pure and innocent child. His sloppy "puppy dog" kisses, his big hugs, his little smile that lights of the room and his great big, joyful heart serve constant reminder of Him who is our Greatest Love. I'm so grateful for the opportunity God has given us to grow nearer to this dear family.

We had Hymn-sing Sunday at church this morning. Call me old-fashioned, but Hymn-Sings are always my favorite Sundays. So many hymns have such rich, God-centered, God magnifying theology, unlike much of the more contemporary, Jesus-is-my-boyfriend type music. A sweet high school gal with the voice of an angel sang a song with the "punchline" (sorry, I don't know the musical term!) "How can I keep from singing?" today. This is how my heart feels after a morning in fellowship with our dear church family, especially on Hymn Sing Sunday. If any of you dear readers lack a church home, please earnestly consider seeking God to direct you to one!

One reason my heart sings tonight is that today (Sunday, though this post may show up as Monday) marks my baby girls' first birthday in Heaven. What blessed lives they must live! A year ago today was one of the darkest days of my life, as I lay in a hospital bed, bleeding, distraught and helpless as they slipped away from me. To think of the actual evening is overwhelming. So much went wrong with the course of events and the "care" I received. But what happened when our girls woke up in Heaven was absolutely perfect. They saw the Face that the rest of us can still only long to see. The only Home they've ever known is flawless. They'll only ever be with their Perfect Father, rather than suffering the mistakes we were bound to have made as their parents on earth. I miss them so much, but they are in a place where they miss nothing. And my soul rejoices for God's mercy and goodness toward them! Thank you, Sweet Abba, for giving us those sweet babies for a time, and for loving them more than we ever could. Thank you for preparing your Home for them and thank you for healing my heart to a place where I can truly rejoice that they are with you.

The other reason I sing is that until just before bed tonight, I had even forgotten that today was the 22nd. That sounds terrible. I've thought about the approaching day many times over the past month and week. And I expected it to be a tumultuous, upsetting day. I had sort of braced myself for the worst.

It sounds terrible to say that I forgot the date, but I think it's truly indicative of the miraculous healing God has done in our hearts. So many times over the last year I've mourned our girls. But now, including today, I celebrate them with my whole heart, and moreover, the Creator who made them. Because that mourning has been laid to rest (admittedly, maybe just for now; perhaps God will unearth new dirt in this territory another time), it didn't occur to me that today was a day to be sad. I also don't miss them anymore today than any other day so in that regard, today was just a date on the calendar. I will always miss them. But they are with our Perfect God, and for that reason alone I can't truly want what's best for them and still wish them back here with me! I guess you could say I'm a bad mommy for forgetting the date, but my God is good and I believe that this "forgetfulness" was His gift to me. And what a sweet, sweet day of fellowship and love He gave us instead.

And I am so thankful for a sweet friend who did remember the date, and sent me a sweet note. Thank you, sweet friend, for remembering and honoring them.

Goodnight, Baby Girls. Happy Heavenly Birthday. I love you. And I miss you. I can't wait for the day when we will see you. Continue to rest with Sweet Jesus until we can hold you.

Thanks, dear friends. Love to you all!

Grief

I started this post on 6.26.09. I didn't have anything else to write, but I wanted to make sure the sentiment was shared.

First, thank you to everyone for your kind words about Mother's Day. I really wasn't trying to be a brat about it or make anyone feel bad. In my head I was just playing back a recording of how things had been--matter of fact, recitation. I didn't mean it as a guilt issue at all! I apologize if it came across that way.

************

Today, July 6, 2009

Dear friends,
My heart is in despair right now. The grief of missing my girls overwhelms me and the pain grows only stronger as their due date approaches. Time had quenched some of the fire, but the knowledge that I should be preparing to hold them in my arms but instead have an empty belly and empty arms, breaks my heart right now. I am crying out to God but I confess the hurt and loneliness feels new all over again. In recent weeks I felt like the mourning season was coming to an end and now I feel like it has just begun. All I did today was read and pray and cry and sleep. I've half heartedly attempted our household bookkeeping tonight, but I only go a few minutes before the tears start again. Oh, how I miss them!

Several people have mentioned that they wanted to say something, or ask me how we're doing or ask me about the girls, but didn't know if they could, or should.

I can't speak for every grieving mom, but for me, someone mentioning them helps. It helps me to know they and we are not forgotten. So please, always feel free to ask if you want. If you don't want to ask for your own sake, that's ok, but know it's always ok with me if you do want to. Silence hurts worse than any questions...

I love you all.

Broken,
Jen