Showing posts with label Embryo Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Embryo Adoption. Show all posts
Monday, December 15, 2014
Miscarriage...Again
I miscarried over the weekend. We've determined that I can't ever go through this again so this is the end of our Embryo Adoption journey. That's all we know now. Thanks for your prayers.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Embryology 101 and Baby's First Photo and Video of our FET
I'm so fascinated by Embryology. The first time we ever met with an RE to discuss Embryo Adoption, he sat us down in his office with this really cool book and told us so much precise, scientific information that I literally walked out with a headache. I was on overload! Over the years I've come to understand it better, so I thought I'd explain some here for anyone interested. Warning, this may be very dry. You've been warned. After the photo below that looks like this, I share details of our last transfer, if you want to skip to that part.
An embryo is, quite literally, the earliest form of human life. It is what is created when a sperm fertilizes an egg. A lot of people use the term embryo and egg interchangeably. They differ in that an egg is not fertilized, and therefore, is not life. The man and the woman, or in this case, their "contributions" to the baby making process, have not come together yet. The embryo is created when the sperm successfully penetrates the egg and fertilizes it and human life begins. It gets a little confusing though because "eggish" terms are used to explain embryos, namely "shell" and "hatching."
An embryo begins as one single cell. The one-celled embryo is called a zygote. The next day, it multiplies to 2 cells and then 4 cells. Then it is called a morula. The third day, it multiplies to 8 cells. By day 5, the cells have multiplied so many times that they all blend together under the microscope and you can't distinguish one cell from another because there are so many. When the embryo reaches this stage, it is called a Blastocyst.
Embryo Transfers are usually done on Day 3 or Day 5. They used to do them on Day 1 and 2 but that is less practiced now. These are also the same days on which embryos can be frozen. For some reason, they don't do transfers or freeze them on Day 4. It has something to do with what's happening in the embryo at that stage of development and you can't interrupt it. Our embryos have always been day 5 embryos. They have been frozen on the 5th day. When they are thawed, the 5th day "resumes" (even if it is now, years later) and then the transfer is later that same day. From all they can tell, there is no difference between 1 day frozen and 10 years frozen. For all intents and purposes, it appears that time quite literally stops.
When an embryo reaches Blastocyst Stage, it needs to break through the "shell" or "ring" you see in the photos above. When it has broken out, the embryo can then grab on to the wall of the uterus and implant and grow in pregnancy. If it doesn't break out, it can't "stick" to the uterus and grow. The breaking out process is called "hatching." As the embryo grows, it becomes a fetus. Ethically, they all mean "baby," or "human," but they describe different ages, much like "toddler" and "teenager" and "elderly."
This is also why the procedure to put the embryo in the woman's body is called a "Transfer" and not an Implantation. They are quite literally "transferring" (moving) the embryo from the vial it was frozen in to the woman's uterus. Whether it actually implants (grabs on, nestles in, burrows down) is up to the embryo and God. It's the same in spontaneously occurring pregnancy. The baby can be made, but it still may or may not implant--it orbits around in the uterus looking for a place to grab on, but it may or may not actually do so. In a Frozen Embryo Transfer, the doctor will "aim" the embryo for the part of the uterus that looks the most favorable, but that's as far as he can take it.
This is a super awesome chart. Enlarge it to read all the way cool information.
Embryos are graded on a scale. There are a few types of systems, but the two clinics we've used and the 3 clinics from our genetic families have all used the same system. My understanding is that this one is the most common. There is a different system for day 3 embryos but I am not familiar with it.
The 5 Day Embryo grading format is Number-Letter-Letter.
The number is a number from a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the most desirable. It indicates the degree to which the embryo has expanded inside its "shell," called the Trophectoderm. A 1 means it hasn't expanded or isn't growing. A 5 means it has hatched out. Our embryo was a 3, meaning it filled 70% of its shell.
Then an embryo receives a letter grading of A-C for the quality of the "Inner Cell Mass" which are the cells that are the baby.
Then it receives a second letter grading of A-C. This grades the quality of the Trophectoderm, the part that in the pictures looks like a shell. The Trophectoderm is what becomes the placenta in the event of implantation.
Our embryo was graded 3AA. Seventy percent expanded, great inner cell mass, great Trophectoderm.
Ethically, these grades don't really mean anything. As long as any cells are alive, I believe an embryo should be transferred. I don't think grades should ever be used to make life or death decisions. But the numbers do tell us where the embryo is at in its stage of development, which I find interesting.
So here is our photo, explained. Though it received a 3AA Grading, the grading was made as soon as it was thawed and the photo was taken a little later. In Reproductive technology, an embryologist will often perform what is called "Assisted Hatching," wherein they make a tiny hole in the Trophectoderm to let the embryo out. That, to my understanding, is what is happening in this photo. The inner cell mass has broken through the Trophectoderm and hatched, and will hopefully be looking for someplace in my uterus to grab on to. The "ring" around the Trophectoderm, is, if I recall correctly, the solution in the dish, and not part of the embryo.
None of my embryo photos have ever looked like this one before. I don't know if mine have never hatched this much, or if this photo was just taken later than the other ones have been taken. The camera is different, so perhaps the process is different. This doesn't really match up to 3AA because 3 means not hatched, so I think the difference is just time.
For reference sake, these were my other embryo photos. This is a great example of how grades don't necessarily correspond to likelihood of further growth or pregnancy. I don't even remember the grades they all got, but they look so different. Lucy and Mary don't look super expanded at time of thaw, but eventually hatched and successfully implanted. Transfer 2's babies totally filled their cavities, but couldn't implant. Matthew looks "average" in expansion and he's happy and healthy here today. Transfer 4 looked great with nice big masses, but didn't result in a pregnancy. So we'll see what happens with this baby. Nevertheless, I'm super intrigued by all the nuances and highly precise information. These babies multiply and divide and grow so aggressively, I just can't understand how anyone thinks they aren't human life. If that's not life with a desire to keep on living, I don't know what is.
So anyway, there's the skinny on all the stuff you never wanted to know about Embryology.
I was pretty drugged up when I posted my last post, so I didn't include details about the transfer itself. Here we go, if you're interested.
The transfer went well. My doctor is a man of few words. I wish I had asked more questions, but the Valium they give you to relax your uterus really puts me out of it. When he told us that one had died in thawing, it was a little like a kick in the gut. In 5 transfers, we've never lost one that way. But he told me as he was lying me down for the transfer so I didn't get to ask any questions or really digest the information. One baby living and one baby dying happened with Matthew--it's a bittersweet thing to digest. I don't want to get myself too upset because my body just needs to chill right now, so I think God is being gracious in keeping that process "shelved" for now. We are sad, but I am comforted to know that baby is with Jesus. He said the transfer went well. It was the quickest and physically easiest one I've ever had. The only thing he really said was that my C-Section scar wasn't in the way. Honestly, the weirdest things are compliments when dealing with infertility ;)
Here is a video if you want to watch. We've never taken video before but we decided that if this worked, when we tell Matthew, we wanted to have something to show him if he wanted.
Watch the area where the red circle is on this still image. You'll see the catheter come in, the embryo released from the catheter, and then the catheter will be removed and the embryo will remain behind, shown as a white oblong shape on the screen. The white is not the embryo itself, but the air the embryo was in. They put them in a little air bubble, in part so that they can see them when doing this procedure because they're so tiny. The black sort of cantaloupe looking shape around the red circle is the uterus. You probably need to full screen the video to be able to see anything.
I came home and slept most of the day. My doctor doesn't believe in bed rest, so I wasn't restricted, but it took a long time for the Valium to wear off. I was still pretty out of it the next day. We stayed with my folks and spent a nice day with them just relaxing. We came home last night. By the evening, I was feeling "twinges" in my abdomen. Today, it had progressed to cramping and pressure, in addition to twinges. Those could be really good signs (this is about when the baby would implant if he or she is going to and those could be signs of that), or they could mean nothing. It's hard not to over analyze everything. Honestly, had I not just had a transfer, I probably wouldn't have even noticed these symptoms. But they were mildly uncomfortable so I just took it easy today, napping, and keeping my feet up (perfect, since my Packers football game was on anyway), and doing chores as I felt ok and then resting again when I got sore again.
My beta is not for a while yet, so all we can do right now is wait. I still feel very much at peace, and with some hope. We'll see how soon before I break down and start testing on a home test. Right now I don't even own any because I never made it to the dollar store in my errands last week, and that's probably a good thing.
That's all the news that's fit to print (and then some). Have a GREAT week!
An embryo is, quite literally, the earliest form of human life. It is what is created when a sperm fertilizes an egg. A lot of people use the term embryo and egg interchangeably. They differ in that an egg is not fertilized, and therefore, is not life. The man and the woman, or in this case, their "contributions" to the baby making process, have not come together yet. The embryo is created when the sperm successfully penetrates the egg and fertilizes it and human life begins. It gets a little confusing though because "eggish" terms are used to explain embryos, namely "shell" and "hatching."
An embryo begins as one single cell. The one-celled embryo is called a zygote. The next day, it multiplies to 2 cells and then 4 cells. Then it is called a morula. The third day, it multiplies to 8 cells. By day 5, the cells have multiplied so many times that they all blend together under the microscope and you can't distinguish one cell from another because there are so many. When the embryo reaches this stage, it is called a Blastocyst.
Embryo Transfers are usually done on Day 3 or Day 5. They used to do them on Day 1 and 2 but that is less practiced now. These are also the same days on which embryos can be frozen. For some reason, they don't do transfers or freeze them on Day 4. It has something to do with what's happening in the embryo at that stage of development and you can't interrupt it. Our embryos have always been day 5 embryos. They have been frozen on the 5th day. When they are thawed, the 5th day "resumes" (even if it is now, years later) and then the transfer is later that same day. From all they can tell, there is no difference between 1 day frozen and 10 years frozen. For all intents and purposes, it appears that time quite literally stops.
When an embryo reaches Blastocyst Stage, it needs to break through the "shell" or "ring" you see in the photos above. When it has broken out, the embryo can then grab on to the wall of the uterus and implant and grow in pregnancy. If it doesn't break out, it can't "stick" to the uterus and grow. The breaking out process is called "hatching." As the embryo grows, it becomes a fetus. Ethically, they all mean "baby," or "human," but they describe different ages, much like "toddler" and "teenager" and "elderly."
This is also why the procedure to put the embryo in the woman's body is called a "Transfer" and not an Implantation. They are quite literally "transferring" (moving) the embryo from the vial it was frozen in to the woman's uterus. Whether it actually implants (grabs on, nestles in, burrows down) is up to the embryo and God. It's the same in spontaneously occurring pregnancy. The baby can be made, but it still may or may not implant--it orbits around in the uterus looking for a place to grab on, but it may or may not actually do so. In a Frozen Embryo Transfer, the doctor will "aim" the embryo for the part of the uterus that looks the most favorable, but that's as far as he can take it.
This is a super awesome chart. Enlarge it to read all the way cool information.
Embryos are graded on a scale. There are a few types of systems, but the two clinics we've used and the 3 clinics from our genetic families have all used the same system. My understanding is that this one is the most common. There is a different system for day 3 embryos but I am not familiar with it.
The 5 Day Embryo grading format is Number-Letter-Letter.
The number is a number from a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the most desirable. It indicates the degree to which the embryo has expanded inside its "shell," called the Trophectoderm. A 1 means it hasn't expanded or isn't growing. A 5 means it has hatched out. Our embryo was a 3, meaning it filled 70% of its shell.
Then an embryo receives a letter grading of A-C for the quality of the "Inner Cell Mass" which are the cells that are the baby.
- A means that there are many cells, tightly packed (this is what they should be doing).
- B means that there are several cells, loosely packed.
- C means that there are very few large cells.
Then it receives a second letter grading of A-C. This grades the quality of the Trophectoderm, the part that in the pictures looks like a shell. The Trophectoderm is what becomes the placenta in the event of implantation.
- A means that there are many cells forming a cohesive layer.
- B means that there are few cells, forming a loose layer.
- C means that there are very few large cells.
Our embryo was graded 3AA. Seventy percent expanded, great inner cell mass, great Trophectoderm.
Ethically, these grades don't really mean anything. As long as any cells are alive, I believe an embryo should be transferred. I don't think grades should ever be used to make life or death decisions. But the numbers do tell us where the embryo is at in its stage of development, which I find interesting.
So here is our photo, explained. Though it received a 3AA Grading, the grading was made as soon as it was thawed and the photo was taken a little later. In Reproductive technology, an embryologist will often perform what is called "Assisted Hatching," wherein they make a tiny hole in the Trophectoderm to let the embryo out. That, to my understanding, is what is happening in this photo. The inner cell mass has broken through the Trophectoderm and hatched, and will hopefully be looking for someplace in my uterus to grab on to. The "ring" around the Trophectoderm, is, if I recall correctly, the solution in the dish, and not part of the embryo.
None of my embryo photos have ever looked like this one before. I don't know if mine have never hatched this much, or if this photo was just taken later than the other ones have been taken. The camera is different, so perhaps the process is different. This doesn't really match up to 3AA because 3 means not hatched, so I think the difference is just time.
For reference sake, these were my other embryo photos. This is a great example of how grades don't necessarily correspond to likelihood of further growth or pregnancy. I don't even remember the grades they all got, but they look so different. Lucy and Mary don't look super expanded at time of thaw, but eventually hatched and successfully implanted. Transfer 2's babies totally filled their cavities, but couldn't implant. Matthew looks "average" in expansion and he's happy and healthy here today. Transfer 4 looked great with nice big masses, but didn't result in a pregnancy. So we'll see what happens with this baby. Nevertheless, I'm super intrigued by all the nuances and highly precise information. These babies multiply and divide and grow so aggressively, I just can't understand how anyone thinks they aren't human life. If that's not life with a desire to keep on living, I don't know what is.
So anyway, there's the skinny on all the stuff you never wanted to know about Embryology.
I was pretty drugged up when I posted my last post, so I didn't include details about the transfer itself. Here we go, if you're interested.
The transfer went well. My doctor is a man of few words. I wish I had asked more questions, but the Valium they give you to relax your uterus really puts me out of it. When he told us that one had died in thawing, it was a little like a kick in the gut. In 5 transfers, we've never lost one that way. But he told me as he was lying me down for the transfer so I didn't get to ask any questions or really digest the information. One baby living and one baby dying happened with Matthew--it's a bittersweet thing to digest. I don't want to get myself too upset because my body just needs to chill right now, so I think God is being gracious in keeping that process "shelved" for now. We are sad, but I am comforted to know that baby is with Jesus. He said the transfer went well. It was the quickest and physically easiest one I've ever had. The only thing he really said was that my C-Section scar wasn't in the way. Honestly, the weirdest things are compliments when dealing with infertility ;)
Here is a video if you want to watch. We've never taken video before but we decided that if this worked, when we tell Matthew, we wanted to have something to show him if he wanted.
Watch the area where the red circle is on this still image. You'll see the catheter come in, the embryo released from the catheter, and then the catheter will be removed and the embryo will remain behind, shown as a white oblong shape on the screen. The white is not the embryo itself, but the air the embryo was in. They put them in a little air bubble, in part so that they can see them when doing this procedure because they're so tiny. The black sort of cantaloupe looking shape around the red circle is the uterus. You probably need to full screen the video to be able to see anything.
I came home and slept most of the day. My doctor doesn't believe in bed rest, so I wasn't restricted, but it took a long time for the Valium to wear off. I was still pretty out of it the next day. We stayed with my folks and spent a nice day with them just relaxing. We came home last night. By the evening, I was feeling "twinges" in my abdomen. Today, it had progressed to cramping and pressure, in addition to twinges. Those could be really good signs (this is about when the baby would implant if he or she is going to and those could be signs of that), or they could mean nothing. It's hard not to over analyze everything. Honestly, had I not just had a transfer, I probably wouldn't have even noticed these symptoms. But they were mildly uncomfortable so I just took it easy today, napping, and keeping my feet up (perfect, since my Packers football game was on anyway), and doing chores as I felt ok and then resting again when I got sore again.
My beta is not for a while yet, so all we can do right now is wait. I still feel very much at peace, and with some hope. We'll see how soon before I break down and start testing on a home test. Right now I don't even own any because I never made it to the dollar store in my errands last week, and that's probably a good thing.
That's all the news that's fit to print (and then some). Have a GREAT week!
Monday, November 17, 2014
Embryo Adoption in People Magazine
Several of my friends tagged me in an article today in People Magazine featuring a family who grew their family through an embryo placed by another family. One friend in particular is personal friends with one of the two genetic mothers mentioned in the article.
Overall, I'm glad to see Embryo Adoption receive positive press. A lot of what the mom interviewed said was life-affirming and she also spoke freely about her faith. I hope the article leads to more embryo adoptions. Their daughter is a cutie. I also think the way the genetic mom has shared her story has paid excellent respect and honor to the difficult decisions and pain and loss that can be felt by the placing family, and also the tremendous blessing and peace that can come to both families.
I take big issue with one major theme throughout the article, and it's not specific to her. It's not even specific to Embryo Adoption. It's the notion that adoption (of any kind) is an answer to infertility. I don't even think people mean to communicate that, but it's so ingrained in our culture that the belief is easily betrayed within a few minutes of conversation.
Embryo Adoption is not a fertility treatment and we need to stop treating it like it is.
I firmly believe that the reason so many children (both frozen and not) are in need of homes is because we've relegated adoption to a "Plan B" for people who can't conceive.
Adoption is a calling, and for the Church, it's a commandment.
It's not a cause or a crusade, either.
Adoption is messy. And hard. And beautiful. And wonderful. But it should not be entered into as an effort to fix a problem in your life. Children in need of a family need to be loved and embraced and pursued and rescued because we want to give them love, not because we couldn't give that love to someone else. We should adopt because we have something to give and we feel the call to give that something to someone, not just because we want to receive something. It's a perfectly wonderful thing to want a child...even desperately so. But adoption needs to be about the child AT LEAST as much as it's about the parents.
The problem with treating adoption as an answer to infertility is that the byproduct is, by in large (I know there are exceptions), that people think of adoption as a backup plan, when there are millions of children worldwide who need us, the Church, to be their Plan A. People shouldn't adopt just because they're infertile, and shouldn't not adopt just because their biology works just fine. The two issues have become intertwined, when really, they are unrelated. The call to adopt can touch anyone with any variety of biological function. Adoption is a beautiful picture of God's love for us, and it is something He asks us to do to take care of the most vulnerable in our world. His instruction has no fertility contingencies.
Often people ask an infertile couple, "Why don't you just adopt?" Well, why don't you, fertile-Myrtle? Biology has no bearing on whether or not someone is called to adopt. Adoption should be considered because someone wants to answer a call in their heart and we should be listening for that call, regardless of if we can procreate. I don't think every person is called to adopt and it would be wrong for those who aren't called to do so. Adoption is too darn hard for that. But if only the 10% of people who are infertile ever adopt, we will never catch up and children will suffer needlessly.
The other problem with treating embryo adoption like a fertility treatment is that it can open the door to violating the sanctity of life. If you think of these embryos as "therapy" or "treatment" rather than people, then it's easy to forget their humanity when making decisions about their future. This is pretty common in fertility clinics, that treat embryos clinically, not humanely. When the whole reason Embryo Adoption was invented was to honor the humanity of these children, we shouldn't be helping the conversation that contradicts that.
Overall, I'm glad to see Embryo Adoption receive positive press. A lot of what the mom interviewed said was life-affirming and she also spoke freely about her faith. I hope the article leads to more embryo adoptions. Their daughter is a cutie. I also think the way the genetic mom has shared her story has paid excellent respect and honor to the difficult decisions and pain and loss that can be felt by the placing family, and also the tremendous blessing and peace that can come to both families.
I take big issue with one major theme throughout the article, and it's not specific to her. It's not even specific to Embryo Adoption. It's the notion that adoption (of any kind) is an answer to infertility. I don't even think people mean to communicate that, but it's so ingrained in our culture that the belief is easily betrayed within a few minutes of conversation.
Embryo Adoption is not a fertility treatment and we need to stop treating it like it is.
I firmly believe that the reason so many children (both frozen and not) are in need of homes is because we've relegated adoption to a "Plan B" for people who can't conceive.
Adoption is a calling, and for the Church, it's a commandment.
It's not a cause or a crusade, either.
Adoption is messy. And hard. And beautiful. And wonderful. But it should not be entered into as an effort to fix a problem in your life. Children in need of a family need to be loved and embraced and pursued and rescued because we want to give them love, not because we couldn't give that love to someone else. We should adopt because we have something to give and we feel the call to give that something to someone, not just because we want to receive something. It's a perfectly wonderful thing to want a child...even desperately so. But adoption needs to be about the child AT LEAST as much as it's about the parents.
The problem with treating adoption as an answer to infertility is that the byproduct is, by in large (I know there are exceptions), that people think of adoption as a backup plan, when there are millions of children worldwide who need us, the Church, to be their Plan A. People shouldn't adopt just because they're infertile, and shouldn't not adopt just because their biology works just fine. The two issues have become intertwined, when really, they are unrelated. The call to adopt can touch anyone with any variety of biological function. Adoption is a beautiful picture of God's love for us, and it is something He asks us to do to take care of the most vulnerable in our world. His instruction has no fertility contingencies.
Often people ask an infertile couple, "Why don't you just adopt?" Well, why don't you, fertile-Myrtle? Biology has no bearing on whether or not someone is called to adopt. Adoption should be considered because someone wants to answer a call in their heart and we should be listening for that call, regardless of if we can procreate. I don't think every person is called to adopt and it would be wrong for those who aren't called to do so. Adoption is too darn hard for that. But if only the 10% of people who are infertile ever adopt, we will never catch up and children will suffer needlessly.
The other problem with treating embryo adoption like a fertility treatment is that it can open the door to violating the sanctity of life. If you think of these embryos as "therapy" or "treatment" rather than people, then it's easy to forget their humanity when making decisions about their future. This is pretty common in fertility clinics, that treat embryos clinically, not humanely. When the whole reason Embryo Adoption was invented was to honor the humanity of these children, we shouldn't be helping the conversation that contradicts that.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Free Embryo Adoption Webinars!
Do you want to learn more about Embryo Adoption, from the experts? Are you a social worker or adoption professional who needs continuing education hours? Are you a clinic who would like to offer Embryo Adoption to your clients?
If so, consider participating in one or more of these 1-hour Webinars. All of these events are FREE and you can participate right from the comfort of your home or office, via your computer.
Title: Legal Issues regarding Embryo Donation and Adoption and How to Minimize Clinic Liability and Risk
Description: This webinar will cover the legal history of embryo donation and adoption and discuss current best practice methods to minimize clinic liability and risk.
When: Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Time: 12:00 noon EST
Title: Fundamentals of Embryo Donation and Adoption...new and improved!
Description: This webinar provides an overview of the beginnings of embryo donation and adoption. We will define terminology and cover the overall processes available to couples for both donation and adoption.
When: Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Time: 12:00 noon EST
Title: How Open is Open?
Description: This webinar presents the preconceptions and misconceptions that are often associated with the term " open adoption" . It includes a brief history of adoption and Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART) and covers current adoption best practices surrounding donor and adopter family communication.
When: Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Time: 12:00 noon EST
Register for these great events here.
If these dates aren't convenient for you and/or if you're looking for more or different options, check out the Webinar Archive, here.
These educational seminars are all offered by the Embryo Adoption Awareness Center, which is affiliated with Nightlight, the Pioneers of Embryo Adoption.
If so, consider participating in one or more of these 1-hour Webinars. All of these events are FREE and you can participate right from the comfort of your home or office, via your computer.
Title: Legal Issues regarding Embryo Donation and Adoption and How to Minimize Clinic Liability and Risk
Description: This webinar will cover the legal history of embryo donation and adoption and discuss current best practice methods to minimize clinic liability and risk.
When: Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Time: 12:00 noon EST
Title: Fundamentals of Embryo Donation and Adoption...new and improved!
Description: This webinar provides an overview of the beginnings of embryo donation and adoption. We will define terminology and cover the overall processes available to couples for both donation and adoption.
When: Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Time: 12:00 noon EST
Title: How Open is Open?
Description: This webinar presents the preconceptions and misconceptions that are often associated with the term " open adoption" . It includes a brief history of adoption and Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART) and covers current adoption best practices surrounding donor and adopter family communication.
When: Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Time: 12:00 noon EST
Register for these great events here.
If these dates aren't convenient for you and/or if you're looking for more or different options, check out the Webinar Archive, here.
These educational seminars are all offered by the Embryo Adoption Awareness Center, which is affiliated with Nightlight, the Pioneers of Embryo Adoption.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Why We Chose Open Adoption
We have a very open adoption relationship with the genetic parents of our embryos, Beau and Sheila. We talk regularly, we know each other's full names and contact information, we know about each other's families (and in some cases, have met some members) and we generally approach this entire endeavor as a joint operation. We intend for our kids to know them. Their kids already know us. We intend for all of our kids to know each other, and to have as much of a relationship with each other as they want and as is healthy. Neither of us is threatened by the other family. We generally enjoy each other's company. We talk about all aspects of this adoption-our thoughts, our feelings, our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our regrets, our desires... and we also talk about other stuff, completely unrelated to adoption, simply because we like each other.
We know that we're abnormal, even as far as open adoptions go. Even open adoptions are not usually in as much contact as we are.
We get asked why we chose open adoption, so I thought I'd share.
The background is that when we started, open adoption terrified me. Petrified. I had the picture that the media and the Law and Orders of this world paint--co-parenting or the kid runs away to live with his "other" family, or one day the other parents wake up and change their minds and take our kids away. And I'm sure that once in a very blue moon, those scenarios happen. But, they are NOT the norm and they should not impact your decision on whether or not open adoption is right for your family.
But over a lot of prayer, reading, education, and talking with a lot of different adoptive families, some open and some closed, we came to the conclusion that Open was what God was fashioning for our family.
Specifically, and in no particular order:
We never want our kids to feel like a part of them is missing. I have no contact at all with an entire side of my family, and I always feel uncomfortable with that. I feel like there are parts of my past that are just "off limits." Now in my case, I don't WANT to know those people, but I still don't like the feeling of this "other" out there. We never want our kids to have to question, "I wonder what would have happened if..." or "I wonder what I would be like if..." or "I wonder what they're like..." We believe strongly that this sets our kids up strongly with a temptation to resent us or Beau and Sheila, or both, for keeping that kind of information from them. It may turn out that our kids have no desire to know Beau and Sheila--I've heard of adopted kids who have no interest in their birth parents. But we think that's the kids' decision to make, not ours. We want to do our best to make sure the kids have everything the ever think they need in putting together the picture of their lives.
We think it will mitigate struggles with the kids, especially in their teen years. If they know Beau and Sheila, there's no, "I bet my REAL parents wouldn't do this or that..."
We want our kids to know that Beau and Sheila love them very much. We never want them to think that they were unwanted, or unloved, or second-best to the children Beau and Sheila are parenting. And even though we could tell them those things until we're blue in the face, it's different when it's coming straight from the source.
We want to have access to our kids' genetic medical heritage, if it's ever needed.
We want all of the kids to know each other.
We think introducing the kids to them at a young age normalizes it. If it's all they ever know, there's no light switch at age 18 or 21 or whatever. It's not abnormal if they've never known differently.
There are other reasons, but those are the main ones. The bottom line is that we thought that it was the best decision for our children, despite any misgivings or fears we may have had. Over time, as we've gotten to know them, God has really confirmed and affirmed that decision.
We know that things will ebb and flow with different seasons and at different times, each family or family member may be more or less able to handle certain parts of this dynamic, but that's why we think our foundation of communication and honesty is so important. When we first got pregnant the last time, Sheila was able to say "hey, I need to process this alone for a while-I'll be back in touch when I am able" and because of her honesty, we didn't needlessly hurt her, nor did she have to feel weird about enforcing her boundaries.
I want to stress that this is NOT co-parenting. Though DH and I have not had opportunity to do MUCH parenting, we have had some. Every decision we've made about medications, transfers, doctors, procedures, thawing, freezing, etc, has always, always been completely our decision. Sheila and Beau have volunteered to be a resource if we ever wanted them to be, as people who have been through this before, not as the genetic parents. When we got pregnant, they celebrated OUR pregnancy. When we miscarried, they mourned OUR children with us. We named our girls, we made plans for future transfers, we made all of our decisions, completely and autonomously (from them, obviously not from God). They are very good at respecting us and our boundaries and affirming that they believe as much as we do that these are our children.
Sheila and I know we're unusual, even among open adoption families. We know that seeing both sides of the same coin, cooperatively, is rare.
So we want to give you the opportunity to interact with both sides of the story. We want to give you the chance to ask any questions you want, and we'll post the answers here in a Q&A post. The questions can be about anything related to EA--they don't have to be specifically related to open adoption. And She and I are comfortable enough that we can answer questions that people might think would hurt the other one's feelings (like if you want to ask her something about what it was like to place with us or something like that). So, whatever you want to know about Embryo Adoption, from one or both of us, now's your chance.
To ask a question, just send me an email. Please include your question, who it's for (Sheila, me, or both of us), and how you'd like to be referred to on the blog when I write "So-and-so asked...." If you have a confidential question, note that in your email and one or both of us will reply via email. Otherwise, we'll assume it's public. Please also know that this same Q&A, in whole or in part, may be posted on Sheila's blog if she chooses.
Sheila and I are really excited about telling our story and we think God can use it to really grow Embryo Adoption. So please, ask us ANYTHING you want! :) We really are looking forward to this.
We know that we're abnormal, even as far as open adoptions go. Even open adoptions are not usually in as much contact as we are.
We get asked why we chose open adoption, so I thought I'd share.
The background is that when we started, open adoption terrified me. Petrified. I had the picture that the media and the Law and Orders of this world paint--co-parenting or the kid runs away to live with his "other" family, or one day the other parents wake up and change their minds and take our kids away. And I'm sure that once in a very blue moon, those scenarios happen. But, they are NOT the norm and they should not impact your decision on whether or not open adoption is right for your family.
But over a lot of prayer, reading, education, and talking with a lot of different adoptive families, some open and some closed, we came to the conclusion that Open was what God was fashioning for our family.
Specifically, and in no particular order:
We never want our kids to feel like a part of them is missing. I have no contact at all with an entire side of my family, and I always feel uncomfortable with that. I feel like there are parts of my past that are just "off limits." Now in my case, I don't WANT to know those people, but I still don't like the feeling of this "other" out there. We never want our kids to have to question, "I wonder what would have happened if..." or "I wonder what I would be like if..." or "I wonder what they're like..." We believe strongly that this sets our kids up strongly with a temptation to resent us or Beau and Sheila, or both, for keeping that kind of information from them. It may turn out that our kids have no desire to know Beau and Sheila--I've heard of adopted kids who have no interest in their birth parents. But we think that's the kids' decision to make, not ours. We want to do our best to make sure the kids have everything the ever think they need in putting together the picture of their lives.
We think it will mitigate struggles with the kids, especially in their teen years. If they know Beau and Sheila, there's no, "I bet my REAL parents wouldn't do this or that..."
We want our kids to know that Beau and Sheila love them very much. We never want them to think that they were unwanted, or unloved, or second-best to the children Beau and Sheila are parenting. And even though we could tell them those things until we're blue in the face, it's different when it's coming straight from the source.
We want to have access to our kids' genetic medical heritage, if it's ever needed.
We want all of the kids to know each other.
We think introducing the kids to them at a young age normalizes it. If it's all they ever know, there's no light switch at age 18 or 21 or whatever. It's not abnormal if they've never known differently.
There are other reasons, but those are the main ones. The bottom line is that we thought that it was the best decision for our children, despite any misgivings or fears we may have had. Over time, as we've gotten to know them, God has really confirmed and affirmed that decision.
We know that things will ebb and flow with different seasons and at different times, each family or family member may be more or less able to handle certain parts of this dynamic, but that's why we think our foundation of communication and honesty is so important. When we first got pregnant the last time, Sheila was able to say "hey, I need to process this alone for a while-I'll be back in touch when I am able" and because of her honesty, we didn't needlessly hurt her, nor did she have to feel weird about enforcing her boundaries.
I want to stress that this is NOT co-parenting. Though DH and I have not had opportunity to do MUCH parenting, we have had some. Every decision we've made about medications, transfers, doctors, procedures, thawing, freezing, etc, has always, always been completely our decision. Sheila and Beau have volunteered to be a resource if we ever wanted them to be, as people who have been through this before, not as the genetic parents. When we got pregnant, they celebrated OUR pregnancy. When we miscarried, they mourned OUR children with us. We named our girls, we made plans for future transfers, we made all of our decisions, completely and autonomously (from them, obviously not from God). They are very good at respecting us and our boundaries and affirming that they believe as much as we do that these are our children.
Sheila and I know we're unusual, even among open adoption families. We know that seeing both sides of the same coin, cooperatively, is rare.
So we want to give you the opportunity to interact with both sides of the story. We want to give you the chance to ask any questions you want, and we'll post the answers here in a Q&A post. The questions can be about anything related to EA--they don't have to be specifically related to open adoption. And She and I are comfortable enough that we can answer questions that people might think would hurt the other one's feelings (like if you want to ask her something about what it was like to place with us or something like that). So, whatever you want to know about Embryo Adoption, from one or both of us, now's your chance.
To ask a question, just send me an email. Please include your question, who it's for (Sheila, me, or both of us), and how you'd like to be referred to on the blog when I write "So-and-so asked...." If you have a confidential question, note that in your email and one or both of us will reply via email. Otherwise, we'll assume it's public. Please also know that this same Q&A, in whole or in part, may be posted on Sheila's blog if she chooses.
Sheila and I are really excited about telling our story and we think God can use it to really grow Embryo Adoption. So please, ask us ANYTHING you want! :) We really are looking forward to this.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
PUPO: Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (or, the Details of Transfer 3)
Thanks everyone for your prayers! We had a wonderful day with a very smooth transfer.
As we've said before, each of these tiny little embryos is a tiny little life. Each one is fully human and fully alive and fully created in the image of God. For that reason, we don't believe in discarding any embryos for any reason, so we chose to thaw just two so we wouldn't run the risk of having "extras" or more than we were willing to carry in pregnancy.
Embryos are graded when they're frozen. Our clinic also grades them right before the transfer. In the most common grading scale, embryos are graded on 3 points: a scale of 1 to 5 grades how well/much they’re expanded (5 is high, 1 is low). A grading of A-C (A being best) grades the quality of the inner cell mass. A second grading of A-C grades the quality of the outer ring, called the trophectoderm. The trophectoderm is what becomes the placenta. So, the best rating an embryo can get is 5AA. After that 5AB, 5BB, 4AA, 4AB and 4BB are all considered very good and then the 3s and Cs, and so on and so forth.
When we went in for the transfer, they said they'd graded the embryos 5AA and 4AB. We didn't even HAVE a 5AA to start with. So somehow between the early morning hours when they thawed the embryo, and the lunchtime transfer, one of the embryos actually improved! So we're praising God for already demonstrating how precious, individual, and cared for by Him these little ones are. I really wonder what was going through the heads of the doctors watching this. How miraculous that even after being frozen for 6 years, He re-energizes them and grows them in the blink of an eye. He truly is a God of life. Not only did these precious babies survive the thaw, He caused them to thrive.
The transfer was, in the doctor's words, "as perfect as you can get." The process is done via ultrasound. You can see the tube go in to the uterine cavity, and then suddenly there's this burst of white and the babies are on board. There's just nothing like seeing that little firework of white suddenly show up on the screen. As much as infertility and having children in a non-traditional route causes the loss of a lot of "precious moments," who else gets to say they got to witness the moment their babies entered their bodies? It gives me chills to just think about it.
Here's a photo of them right after the thaw. The bumpy mass is the baby. The "shell" is what will become the placenta. If the babies grow as they should, they'll expand and fill out the shell and break through it (called hatching). The baby breaking through is what grabs on to the uterus, not the shell itself. So they have to break out and grab on in order to have a successful pregnancy.
The doctor did say the babies had grown expanded and filled the shell by the time of the transfer (another miracle of growth and life!) and he also said the Embryologist did what's called assisted hatching on them, which means she made a little crack/hole in the "shell" to sort of help that process along. It's actually been demonstrated to help the babies because it's one less fight they have to fight.
So overall, we feel really good about how things went. Now, we just wait and see :)
I felt hit by a bus most of yesterday. We had lunch and bought DH a bathing suit and literally, I slept, or sat on my bum all day long. The amount of valium they give me really takes it out of me. I still feel sort of foggy today--but that's just an excuse to take it easy again another day :D
Thanks for praying for us and the babies. We're really pleased with how the day went!
I'm still not feeling anxious. The peace of Christ truly does surpass all understanding. Either way, God's plan for these little lives is unfolding before our eyes and it's our joy and privilege as their parents to sit in awe and wonder. We'll know in a few weeks whether they're bound for heaven or for earth, but regardless of their next destination, we thank God for their lives, for His work and protection, for His comfort, for His providence, for His mercy, for His love and tenderness, and for His miracles.
As we've said before, each of these tiny little embryos is a tiny little life. Each one is fully human and fully alive and fully created in the image of God. For that reason, we don't believe in discarding any embryos for any reason, so we chose to thaw just two so we wouldn't run the risk of having "extras" or more than we were willing to carry in pregnancy.
Embryos are graded when they're frozen. Our clinic also grades them right before the transfer. In the most common grading scale, embryos are graded on 3 points: a scale of 1 to 5 grades how well/much they’re expanded (5 is high, 1 is low). A grading of A-C (A being best) grades the quality of the inner cell mass. A second grading of A-C grades the quality of the outer ring, called the trophectoderm. The trophectoderm is what becomes the placenta. So, the best rating an embryo can get is 5AA. After that 5AB, 5BB, 4AA, 4AB and 4BB are all considered very good and then the 3s and Cs, and so on and so forth.
When we went in for the transfer, they said they'd graded the embryos 5AA and 4AB. We didn't even HAVE a 5AA to start with. So somehow between the early morning hours when they thawed the embryo, and the lunchtime transfer, one of the embryos actually improved! So we're praising God for already demonstrating how precious, individual, and cared for by Him these little ones are. I really wonder what was going through the heads of the doctors watching this. How miraculous that even after being frozen for 6 years, He re-energizes them and grows them in the blink of an eye. He truly is a God of life. Not only did these precious babies survive the thaw, He caused them to thrive.
The transfer was, in the doctor's words, "as perfect as you can get." The process is done via ultrasound. You can see the tube go in to the uterine cavity, and then suddenly there's this burst of white and the babies are on board. There's just nothing like seeing that little firework of white suddenly show up on the screen. As much as infertility and having children in a non-traditional route causes the loss of a lot of "precious moments," who else gets to say they got to witness the moment their babies entered their bodies? It gives me chills to just think about it.
Here's a photo of them right after the thaw. The bumpy mass is the baby. The "shell" is what will become the placenta. If the babies grow as they should, they'll expand and fill out the shell and break through it (called hatching). The baby breaking through is what grabs on to the uterus, not the shell itself. So they have to break out and grab on in order to have a successful pregnancy.
The doctor did say the babies had grown expanded and filled the shell by the time of the transfer (another miracle of growth and life!) and he also said the Embryologist did what's called assisted hatching on them, which means she made a little crack/hole in the "shell" to sort of help that process along. It's actually been demonstrated to help the babies because it's one less fight they have to fight.
So overall, we feel really good about how things went. Now, we just wait and see :)
I felt hit by a bus most of yesterday. We had lunch and bought DH a bathing suit and literally, I slept, or sat on my bum all day long. The amount of valium they give me really takes it out of me. I still feel sort of foggy today--but that's just an excuse to take it easy again another day :D
Thanks for praying for us and the babies. We're really pleased with how the day went!
I'm still not feeling anxious. The peace of Christ truly does surpass all understanding. Either way, God's plan for these little lives is unfolding before our eyes and it's our joy and privilege as their parents to sit in awe and wonder. We'll know in a few weeks whether they're bound for heaven or for earth, but regardless of their next destination, we thank God for their lives, for His work and protection, for His comfort, for His providence, for His mercy, for His love and tenderness, and for His miracles.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Shame on you, Arizona Right to Life
At the risk of burning a lot of bridges, I am going to share some things about my recently-ended employment, and about a conversation I had yesterday.
The non-profit for which I worked was Arizona Right to Life, which prides itself on being the oldest, largest, and strongest pro-life organization in the state. Well, it may be the oldest, but I do not believe it is either the largest, or the strongest, anymore. I'll say this up front: I believe that everybody there truly wants to save babies. And I even believe that they believe that what they think or do is the best way to do it.
There were some things I enjoyed about working there: I got to meet some amazing people: Congressmen Trent Franks, Sam Brownback and John Shadegg, countless Arizona State Representatives and Senators, Dr. David Prentice, Jim Sedlack, Joseph Scheidler, Janet Porter, Dr. Alveda King, Father Frank Pavone, Bobby Schindler, and other amazing people who have worked tirelessly and thanklessly doing this incredible thing of saving babies. I never would have had a chance to rub elbows with these folks if not for my position at AZRTL and for those opportunities, I will always be grateful.
I have also had some amazing coworkers. AZRTL has a terrible habit of hiring tremendously talented people and then under-utilizing their talents. But every single one of my coworkers over the past 5 years has given their best anyway, and strived to function as best they were able in the parameters they were allowed.
However, I also believe that several people in leadership there have gotten caught up in politics, to the detriment of the organization and its credibility and effectiveness.
I resigned for two main reasons: one was due to personal conflicts with the leadership which I won't detail here. The other was because the organization refuses to get involved in Embryo Adoption and to treat embryos in dishes and freezers as equally important lives as babies in the womb.
I was the Events Coordinator. One of my jobs was to plan the Annual Pro-Life Conference. The conference typically offers a combination of joint sessions, and topic specific workshops. The workshops can be either specific or generic, and can essentially cover any pro-life issue. Sometimes it's broad like "Abortion: Just the Facts" and other times, it's very tightly focused like, "using Social Media to promote the Pro-Life message." Sometimes it applies to everyone, at other times, it's been specifically for one group, such as post-abortive women, leaders of local chapters of AZRTL, men, college students, whatever.
To their credit, the conference we put on last year was incredible. It really was. I think it was effective, informative, relevant, and dynamic. I know that I was a major contributor to that success, but I also know that the relationships the organization has established over the years with pro-life leaders around the country, and the talent of my wonderful coworker (the Director of Education), Melanie, were huge factors, too.
I went to Melanie last year when we were putting together the curriculum for the event and mentioned that I wanted to offer a workshop on Embryo Adoption. Embryo Adoption is without question, a pro-life issue. 400,000 embryos are in frozen storage in this country. There are 5 options for these lives: the parents who had them created can choose to transfer, carry, birth and raise them; the parents can donate them to Embryonic Stem Cell or other kind research, all of which kill the embryo; the parents can ask the lab that stores the embryos to destroy the embryo; the parents can leave them frozen indefinitely and when the bill for their storage stops being paid and/or the parents die, the embryos will be destroyed; or, the parents can place the embryos for adoption with another couple, who will transfer, birth and raise them. Obviously, number 1 is the best option, but the reality is that some people won't choose that, and some people can't choose that, even if they wanted to. Of the 4 remaining options, only one respects the life, dignity, personhood, and individuality of the embryo: Embryo Adoption. All others treat the embryo like it is non-human, disposable, and/or research material.
So, it should be a no-brainer that it's a life issue, and that a pro-life organization would affirm this. Our boss interjected and said that the conference would not cover the issue, because Embryo Adoption fell outside their mission. Excuse me?
The mission of Arizona Right to Life is:
Which part of Embryo Adoption falls outside that mission statement? No one has ever been able to explain that to me. I was also told it was too specific, which is silly because they did lots of workshops on very specific topics.
They did say that they also object because they fear it would be perceived as an endorsement of IVF. That's just ridiculous, because babies are conceived through LOTS Of ways they find objectionable, and that doesn't mean the babies that result don't need our support and protection, nor does it mean that anyone has ever said Arizona Right to Life supports THOSE things, even though they support life for the children. Arizona Right to Life MUST learn to separate the circumstances of conception from the child's life and its worthiness of protection. Your position on IVF is irrelevant to whether or not the child who results from it is worth your advocacy.
Some have even said that a promotion of EA would result in people doing IVF JUST to place the embryos for adoption. They must not know how expensive, painful, invasive, and emotionally distressing IVF is. No one goes through it just to give away the end product. And some say it might encourage couples who might not have done IVF before, to do it now, knowing that they can do EA with their "extras." Well, I guess that's a risk we have to take in order to save the other 400,000. And we would never say that we shouldn't support traditional adoption because it encourages teenagers to have sex. This is the same thing. It might be an unfortunate end result, but so far the data doesn't support that, and the fact remains that there are still 400,000 in peril while we do nothing.
Without ever saying it, I think a huge part of it is the refusal of the Catholic church to support Embryo Adoption. This is purely speculation on my part and I own it as such, but a lot of the leadership of the organization is Catholic and I think they are hesitant to take a position on something that their church might still (wrongly!) denounce. But like I said, I'm just speculating. And if that's not the reason, damned if I know what the reason is, because none logical exists. Other Right to Life Groups (Georgia, for example) support Embryo Adoption, so refusing to support EA is not part of the organization's national program or creed.
I almost resigned at that time. But I thought that I would try to stay on, and perhaps change some minds, and increase the awareness about EA. But I've been unsuccessful.
Yesterday, I had a talk with one of the organization's board members, John Jakubczyk, who was Vice President until recently, and President of the organization for years before that and who has been around the pro-life movement in Arizona and Arizona Right to Life since they started. The conversation was public, in front of many other people. Nothing about the conversation was private or confidential.
The AZRTL PAC was meeting last night to vote on whether to endorse JD Hayworth, or John McCain for Senator in our state.
As long as I've worked there, the policy that was always told to me about our endorsements was:
This policy has never (or at least, not for 5 years) been written down (until I asked them to do it recently for the new website they're designing), but it was consistently what I was told to tell people when I answered the phone, I've distributed hundreds of voter guides with that explanation, and they've told candidates they don't qualify because they've failed to meet one of those criteria.
I debated John yesterday, who expressed his desire that the PAC endorse McCain. John J is a voting member of the PAC.
To address the points above:
When I pressed John on point one, he said that he talked to McCain and McCain had changed his mind. I literally laughed out loud. For one, our answer to that has always been "prove it." Conveniently for McCain, the issue hasn't come up for vote since this alleged change of heart. So all we have is his promise that he would do the right thing, versus Hayworth's demonstration that he DOES do the right thing.
Second. He's John Maverick McCain. Changing his mind is what he does! He's a shoot from the hip, loyalty to no one or no cause, kind of guy. What on earth makes them truly believe that this change of heart, even if currently authentic, will be lasting? "Danged fence," anyone? How convenient that we applaud the same trait that we've (rightly) blasted others for. Even though the change is currently in our favor, it's not safe to assume that it always will be, especially with this Senator.
John also argued that if RTL endorsed Hayworth and McCain won anyway, AZRTL would lose its access to Washington. Bull. First of all, if John McCain is the principled Pro-Life man they think he is, then being ticked off at RTL won't compel him to start whacking babies. And if it DOES, then we REALLY don't want him there.
Second if he is pro-life, he'll vote that way anyway, even if he doesn't consult AZRTL. Closing a relationship with RTL would not mean he'd close his relationship with every single pro-life advocacy group.
Third, even if said access IS lost, AZRTL has good relationships with Senator Jon Kyl, Representative Trent Franks, Representative John Shadegg, Representative Jeff Flake, not to mention with countless previous officials, and officials in other states and in other governmental capacities. So even if the John McCain door closed, that by no means would bar the RTL access to Washington, or even to Congress specifically.
Fourth, it's not like the "access" is that wonderful to begin with. In all my years there, I was never aware of John McCain or his office consulting RTL on how to vote on life issues. Never did he show up to any of our events, even when virtually all of Pro-Life his colleagues did (banquet 2006, Rally 2010). He's departed from us on life issues (above-mentioned stem cell research) so even if he did consult their opinion, he's not respected it. Yes, he's thrown some money at the organization ($5000-$10,000 per year; I'm not divulging anything confidential. It's public information). But that's the only thing detectable he's provided in the way of support or "access." Versus JD Hayworth attended and supported their events, many times.
Fifth, even if John's right, and they DO lose access, it's short lived at best. John McCain won't live forever. And even if they burned that bridge in the name of principle, nothing says that all future access to Washington would be barred. But Arizona Right to Life is not willing to take that short term, limited risk, and instead, is making the much larger and more devastating risk of telling voters that McCain is the most and best pro-life candidate, when it simply is not true. An endorsement of John McCain would throw their entire credibility out the window, which is a far larger cost than a few years of McCain not speaking to you.
John J also told me he spoke to JD, and that JD understood why they "have" to endorse McCain. You know what? Even if that's the case and JD is being kind and gracious about this, it doesn't excuse Right to Life from doing the right thing.
Arizona Right to Life has endorsed John McCain in the past. But in the past, he wasn't challenged by someone who met all of the criteria. This time, he is. The game has changed, and Arizona Right to Life needs to do the right thing and change with it. The only right choice in this specific case is to endorse JD Hayworth.
This time around, Arizona Right to Life cannot truthfully tell the voters of Arizona that John McCain is the best and/or most pro-life choice. I looked John square in the eye and told him that he cannot say that the man who would kill my children is more pro-life than the one would not. John dismissed that point completely and gave me a look that told me he thought I was exaggerating. But as Arizona Right to Life would tell you in every other conversation, they ARE children, and embryonic stem cell research kills them.
I learned today from multiple, reliable sources that Arizona Right to Life made the decision to endorse McCain. And with that, combined with the Embryo Adoption impotence, the organization lost every last shred of credibility it had with me. You cannot be pro-life and so blatantly disregard the tiniest and most vulnerable of the lives you claim to protect.
I'm well aware that I'm probably burning some bridges, and that saddens me. I know people will think this is unprofessional and/or in bad form or taste, but I have to make the sacrifice of people's good opinion of me and honor my conscience. And any true friend would want me to choose conscience over comfort. And anyone who cares about Arizona Right to Life or the pro-life cause would want me to as well. I cannot sit idly by and watch Arizona Right to Life mislead and misinform voters about such a life-or-death decision. Their arguments are illogical, their evidence refutable, and their decision laughable.
As of this writing, I have no affiliation with JD Hayworth. So this position is unbiased from a personal standpoint. (Well, as far as the persons of McCain and Hayworth are concerned. As far as the persons of my children are concerned, it's completely personal). However, this issue has me upset enough that I have decided I will be supporting his campaign, with whatever time and dollars I have to give.
Why do this? I've got to stand up for my children and the 400,000 others like them, always, but especially when others who should, won't. I must inform other Arizona voters of what's at stake when making a pro-life choice in this election. I must warn them that they can't trust the recommendation of who should be and has previously been an authority on this subject. I do this to challenge Arizona Right to Life to do the right thing and change their mind. I do this to encourage other voters to challenge them too. And I do it to call public scrutiny on the organization if it does not change its mind.
Though the endorsement and the Embryo Adoption thing are not directly related to each other, they are in that they both jeopardize these same tiny little lives.
What can you do? If you're a pro-lifer in Arizona, put the pressure on Arizona Right to Life. Call them at 602-285-0063 . Spread the word to other pro-lifers. You can also vote for JD Hayworth. I understand if you don't vote for him because of other reasons, but if the life issue is your deciding factor, he is the most pro-life choice. Call National Right to Life and encourage them to endorse Hayworth.
Also challenge every pro-lifer you know, including Arizona Right to Life, to become educated on the issue of Embryo Adoption and to incorporate it into any pro-life advocacy. Encourage them to put Embryo Adoption in their curriculum. Ask National Right to Life to do the same. If you're in other states, call your local Right to Life affiliate(s) and other pro-life groups and see what THEY'RE doing about Embryo Adoption. Make SURE they're making wise decisions with their endorsements. Call them on it when they're not.
I've said all of these things to multiple members of the organization's leadership, so I have no discomfort with sharing them publicly. I did try addressing my concerns with them. In my opinion, they did not adequately address them.
If by chance, my sources are wrong (and I don't believe they are), I will publish a retraction of my statement that their endorsement is of McCain. My conversations with the organization however, and the fact that they even considered endorsing him for the above reasons, remain the same regardless of their final decision.
Updated, May 18th, 2010: It has just been made public that the PAC endorsed John McCain. I rather wonder that it took them so long to announce this decision, given that it was made nearly a week ago. It inclines me to believe that they had misgivings about the decision. I therefore urge you to withdraw any support you may have been giving to Arizona Right to Life, encourage your friends to do the same, and make sure the organization knows why.
As a point of interest, here's a running list of former associates of Arizona Right to Life who are distancing themselves from the organization over this issue:
Shane Wikfors, former Executive Director
David Roney, former Executive Committee Member, Chair of the PAC
Rachel Alexander, former member of the PAC
There are others too, but they don't have a web presence for me to link to them.
Also, a former coworker pointed out to me that on the issue of Embryo Adoption, I should not want my fellow pro-life laborers to depart from their Catholic positions to do their jobs. Of course not and I don't intend to communicate that. My apologies if I did. But those persons put in conflict should either then change the mission statement of their organization to omit the reference to "non denominational" or they should resign from their positions if they cannot be both good Catholics and good pro-lifers. Considering that most of their objections are not even life issues (the Catholic church makes references to surrogacy, the dignity of the embryo, the baby's right to be born to genetically related persons, etc), those arguments should be completely left out of decisions that the organization makes.
The non-profit for which I worked was Arizona Right to Life, which prides itself on being the oldest, largest, and strongest pro-life organization in the state. Well, it may be the oldest, but I do not believe it is either the largest, or the strongest, anymore. I'll say this up front: I believe that everybody there truly wants to save babies. And I even believe that they believe that what they think or do is the best way to do it.
There were some things I enjoyed about working there: I got to meet some amazing people: Congressmen Trent Franks, Sam Brownback and John Shadegg, countless Arizona State Representatives and Senators, Dr. David Prentice, Jim Sedlack, Joseph Scheidler, Janet Porter, Dr. Alveda King, Father Frank Pavone, Bobby Schindler, and other amazing people who have worked tirelessly and thanklessly doing this incredible thing of saving babies. I never would have had a chance to rub elbows with these folks if not for my position at AZRTL and for those opportunities, I will always be grateful.
I have also had some amazing coworkers. AZRTL has a terrible habit of hiring tremendously talented people and then under-utilizing their talents. But every single one of my coworkers over the past 5 years has given their best anyway, and strived to function as best they were able in the parameters they were allowed.
However, I also believe that several people in leadership there have gotten caught up in politics, to the detriment of the organization and its credibility and effectiveness.
I resigned for two main reasons: one was due to personal conflicts with the leadership which I won't detail here. The other was because the organization refuses to get involved in Embryo Adoption and to treat embryos in dishes and freezers as equally important lives as babies in the womb.
I was the Events Coordinator. One of my jobs was to plan the Annual Pro-Life Conference. The conference typically offers a combination of joint sessions, and topic specific workshops. The workshops can be either specific or generic, and can essentially cover any pro-life issue. Sometimes it's broad like "Abortion: Just the Facts" and other times, it's very tightly focused like, "using Social Media to promote the Pro-Life message." Sometimes it applies to everyone, at other times, it's been specifically for one group, such as post-abortive women, leaders of local chapters of AZRTL, men, college students, whatever.
To their credit, the conference we put on last year was incredible. It really was. I think it was effective, informative, relevant, and dynamic. I know that I was a major contributor to that success, but I also know that the relationships the organization has established over the years with pro-life leaders around the country, and the talent of my wonderful coworker (the Director of Education), Melanie, were huge factors, too.
I went to Melanie last year when we were putting together the curriculum for the event and mentioned that I wanted to offer a workshop on Embryo Adoption. Embryo Adoption is without question, a pro-life issue. 400,000 embryos are in frozen storage in this country. There are 5 options for these lives: the parents who had them created can choose to transfer, carry, birth and raise them; the parents can donate them to Embryonic Stem Cell or other kind research, all of which kill the embryo; the parents can ask the lab that stores the embryos to destroy the embryo; the parents can leave them frozen indefinitely and when the bill for their storage stops being paid and/or the parents die, the embryos will be destroyed; or, the parents can place the embryos for adoption with another couple, who will transfer, birth and raise them. Obviously, number 1 is the best option, but the reality is that some people won't choose that, and some people can't choose that, even if they wanted to. Of the 4 remaining options, only one respects the life, dignity, personhood, and individuality of the embryo: Embryo Adoption. All others treat the embryo like it is non-human, disposable, and/or research material.
So, it should be a no-brainer that it's a life issue, and that a pro-life organization would affirm this. Our boss interjected and said that the conference would not cover the issue, because Embryo Adoption fell outside their mission. Excuse me?
The mission of Arizona Right to Life is:
The mission of Arizona Right to Life is to restore respect for and promote the protection of all innocent human life - the unborn, the elderly, the chronically ill, people with disabilities and others who cannot speak for themselves. Ultimately, our mission is to preserve, protect and promote the sanctity of innocent human life. Arizona Right to Life is a non-sectarian, non-partisan, non-profit, 501(c)4 organization committed to articulating and protecting the right to life of all human beings, born and unborn. (Emphasis mine)
Which part of Embryo Adoption falls outside that mission statement? No one has ever been able to explain that to me. I was also told it was too specific, which is silly because they did lots of workshops on very specific topics.
They did say that they also object because they fear it would be perceived as an endorsement of IVF. That's just ridiculous, because babies are conceived through LOTS Of ways they find objectionable, and that doesn't mean the babies that result don't need our support and protection, nor does it mean that anyone has ever said Arizona Right to Life supports THOSE things, even though they support life for the children. Arizona Right to Life MUST learn to separate the circumstances of conception from the child's life and its worthiness of protection. Your position on IVF is irrelevant to whether or not the child who results from it is worth your advocacy.
Some have even said that a promotion of EA would result in people doing IVF JUST to place the embryos for adoption. They must not know how expensive, painful, invasive, and emotionally distressing IVF is. No one goes through it just to give away the end product. And some say it might encourage couples who might not have done IVF before, to do it now, knowing that they can do EA with their "extras." Well, I guess that's a risk we have to take in order to save the other 400,000. And we would never say that we shouldn't support traditional adoption because it encourages teenagers to have sex. This is the same thing. It might be an unfortunate end result, but so far the data doesn't support that, and the fact remains that there are still 400,000 in peril while we do nothing.
Without ever saying it, I think a huge part of it is the refusal of the Catholic church to support Embryo Adoption. This is purely speculation on my part and I own it as such, but a lot of the leadership of the organization is Catholic and I think they are hesitant to take a position on something that their church might still (wrongly!) denounce. But like I said, I'm just speculating. And if that's not the reason, damned if I know what the reason is, because none logical exists. Other Right to Life Groups (Georgia, for example) support Embryo Adoption, so refusing to support EA is not part of the organization's national program or creed.
I almost resigned at that time. But I thought that I would try to stay on, and perhaps change some minds, and increase the awareness about EA. But I've been unsuccessful.
Yesterday, I had a talk with one of the organization's board members, John Jakubczyk, who was Vice President until recently, and President of the organization for years before that and who has been around the pro-life movement in Arizona and Arizona Right to Life since they started. The conversation was public, in front of many other people. Nothing about the conversation was private or confidential.
The AZRTL PAC was meeting last night to vote on whether to endorse JD Hayworth, or John McCain for Senator in our state.
As long as I've worked there, the policy that was always told to me about our endorsements was:
- That the most pro-life candidate receives the endorsement
- That all other things being equal, the incumbent receives the endorsement for all the hard work and pro-life votes they've already offered
- The candidate must be electable in their estimation
This policy has never (or at least, not for 5 years) been written down (until I asked them to do it recently for the new website they're designing), but it was consistently what I was told to tell people when I answered the phone, I've distributed hundreds of voter guides with that explanation, and they've told candidates they don't qualify because they've failed to meet one of those criteria.
I debated John yesterday, who expressed his desire that the PAC endorse McCain. John J is a voting member of the PAC.
To address the points above:
- John McCain and JD Hayworth are not equally pro-life. Senator McCain has a 75% Pro-Life voting record, according to National Right to Life. JD Hayworth has a 100% pro-life rating. The main distinction between the two candidates is that John McCain supports Embryonic Stem Cell Research (voting as recently as 2007 to expand it) and JD Hayworth does not. 25% is a huge disparity. 400,000 lives is a huge issue. One candidate would jeopardize those 400,000, the other would not. One would kill my children and the other would defend them. Make no mistake. I appreciate Senator McCain's 75% that he did get right, and countless lives have been saved due to his efforts. But call me an idealist-I want those last 25%!
- John McCain is the incumbent. However, JD Hayworth was also in office, and so he has a voting record, too, mitigating the "proof is in the pudding" argument. Hayworth HAS taken a stand for life. Additionally, incumbency has only historically mattered when all other factors were equal. As I've just demonstrated, they are not equal in this case.
- JD Hayworth is electable, as evidenced by the fact that he did hold office for many many years, and more importantly, as evidenced by the fact that in this race alone, he is separated from McCain only by a handful of points. He closed the gap from 22 points to 5 points in 3 months, and we still have 3 months before the election. Considering that 5 points is the margin of error for most polls, they could easily be neck and neck. And historically, incumbents with less than 50% support are sitting ducks. So there is no way Arizona Right to Life can authoritatively say that one of these two men is more electable than the other. Clearly, Arizonans find both to be nearly equally viable, so this factor needs to be removed from the equation. And as David Roney points out, for President, Arizona Right to Life endorsed Mike Huckabee. Anyone who has ever voted can tell you that candidates tend to win their home state, and Huckabee was no where near McCain in the polls. But despite those "electability" factors, they endorsed Huckabee anyway. (And McCain has donated since that endorsement, so no loss of contact occurred in that case).
When I pressed John on point one, he said that he talked to McCain and McCain had changed his mind. I literally laughed out loud. For one, our answer to that has always been "prove it." Conveniently for McCain, the issue hasn't come up for vote since this alleged change of heart. So all we have is his promise that he would do the right thing, versus Hayworth's demonstration that he DOES do the right thing.
Second. He's John Maverick McCain. Changing his mind is what he does! He's a shoot from the hip, loyalty to no one or no cause, kind of guy. What on earth makes them truly believe that this change of heart, even if currently authentic, will be lasting? "Danged fence," anyone? How convenient that we applaud the same trait that we've (rightly) blasted others for. Even though the change is currently in our favor, it's not safe to assume that it always will be, especially with this Senator.
John also argued that if RTL endorsed Hayworth and McCain won anyway, AZRTL would lose its access to Washington. Bull. First of all, if John McCain is the principled Pro-Life man they think he is, then being ticked off at RTL won't compel him to start whacking babies. And if it DOES, then we REALLY don't want him there.
Second if he is pro-life, he'll vote that way anyway, even if he doesn't consult AZRTL. Closing a relationship with RTL would not mean he'd close his relationship with every single pro-life advocacy group.
Third, even if said access IS lost, AZRTL has good relationships with Senator Jon Kyl, Representative Trent Franks, Representative John Shadegg, Representative Jeff Flake, not to mention with countless previous officials, and officials in other states and in other governmental capacities. So even if the John McCain door closed, that by no means would bar the RTL access to Washington, or even to Congress specifically.
Fourth, it's not like the "access" is that wonderful to begin with. In all my years there, I was never aware of John McCain or his office consulting RTL on how to vote on life issues. Never did he show up to any of our events, even when virtually all of Pro-Life his colleagues did (banquet 2006, Rally 2010). He's departed from us on life issues (above-mentioned stem cell research) so even if he did consult their opinion, he's not respected it. Yes, he's thrown some money at the organization ($5000-$10,000 per year; I'm not divulging anything confidential. It's public information). But that's the only thing detectable he's provided in the way of support or "access." Versus JD Hayworth attended and supported their events, many times.
Fifth, even if John's right, and they DO lose access, it's short lived at best. John McCain won't live forever. And even if they burned that bridge in the name of principle, nothing says that all future access to Washington would be barred. But Arizona Right to Life is not willing to take that short term, limited risk, and instead, is making the much larger and more devastating risk of telling voters that McCain is the most and best pro-life candidate, when it simply is not true. An endorsement of John McCain would throw their entire credibility out the window, which is a far larger cost than a few years of McCain not speaking to you.
John J also told me he spoke to JD, and that JD understood why they "have" to endorse McCain. You know what? Even if that's the case and JD is being kind and gracious about this, it doesn't excuse Right to Life from doing the right thing.
Arizona Right to Life has endorsed John McCain in the past. But in the past, he wasn't challenged by someone who met all of the criteria. This time, he is. The game has changed, and Arizona Right to Life needs to do the right thing and change with it. The only right choice in this specific case is to endorse JD Hayworth.
This time around, Arizona Right to Life cannot truthfully tell the voters of Arizona that John McCain is the best and/or most pro-life choice. I looked John square in the eye and told him that he cannot say that the man who would kill my children is more pro-life than the one would not. John dismissed that point completely and gave me a look that told me he thought I was exaggerating. But as Arizona Right to Life would tell you in every other conversation, they ARE children, and embryonic stem cell research kills them.
I learned today from multiple, reliable sources that Arizona Right to Life made the decision to endorse McCain. And with that, combined with the Embryo Adoption impotence, the organization lost every last shred of credibility it had with me. You cannot be pro-life and so blatantly disregard the tiniest and most vulnerable of the lives you claim to protect.
I'm well aware that I'm probably burning some bridges, and that saddens me. I know people will think this is unprofessional and/or in bad form or taste, but I have to make the sacrifice of people's good opinion of me and honor my conscience. And any true friend would want me to choose conscience over comfort. And anyone who cares about Arizona Right to Life or the pro-life cause would want me to as well. I cannot sit idly by and watch Arizona Right to Life mislead and misinform voters about such a life-or-death decision. Their arguments are illogical, their evidence refutable, and their decision laughable.
As of this writing, I have no affiliation with JD Hayworth. So this position is unbiased from a personal standpoint. (Well, as far as the persons of McCain and Hayworth are concerned. As far as the persons of my children are concerned, it's completely personal). However, this issue has me upset enough that I have decided I will be supporting his campaign, with whatever time and dollars I have to give.
Why do this? I've got to stand up for my children and the 400,000 others like them, always, but especially when others who should, won't. I must inform other Arizona voters of what's at stake when making a pro-life choice in this election. I must warn them that they can't trust the recommendation of who should be and has previously been an authority on this subject. I do this to challenge Arizona Right to Life to do the right thing and change their mind. I do this to encourage other voters to challenge them too. And I do it to call public scrutiny on the organization if it does not change its mind.
Though the endorsement and the Embryo Adoption thing are not directly related to each other, they are in that they both jeopardize these same tiny little lives.
What can you do? If you're a pro-lifer in Arizona, put the pressure on Arizona Right to Life. Call them at 602-285-0063 . Spread the word to other pro-lifers. You can also vote for JD Hayworth. I understand if you don't vote for him because of other reasons, but if the life issue is your deciding factor, he is the most pro-life choice. Call National Right to Life and encourage them to endorse Hayworth.
Also challenge every pro-lifer you know, including Arizona Right to Life, to become educated on the issue of Embryo Adoption and to incorporate it into any pro-life advocacy. Encourage them to put Embryo Adoption in their curriculum. Ask National Right to Life to do the same. If you're in other states, call your local Right to Life affiliate(s) and other pro-life groups and see what THEY'RE doing about Embryo Adoption. Make SURE they're making wise decisions with their endorsements. Call them on it when they're not.
I've said all of these things to multiple members of the organization's leadership, so I have no discomfort with sharing them publicly. I did try addressing my concerns with them. In my opinion, they did not adequately address them.
If by chance, my sources are wrong (and I don't believe they are), I will publish a retraction of my statement that their endorsement is of McCain. My conversations with the organization however, and the fact that they even considered endorsing him for the above reasons, remain the same regardless of their final decision.
Updated, May 18th, 2010: It has just been made public that the PAC endorsed John McCain. I rather wonder that it took them so long to announce this decision, given that it was made nearly a week ago. It inclines me to believe that they had misgivings about the decision. I therefore urge you to withdraw any support you may have been giving to Arizona Right to Life, encourage your friends to do the same, and make sure the organization knows why.
As a point of interest, here's a running list of former associates of Arizona Right to Life who are distancing themselves from the organization over this issue:
Shane Wikfors, former Executive Director
David Roney, former Executive Committee Member, Chair of the PAC
Rachel Alexander, former member of the PAC
There are others too, but they don't have a web presence for me to link to them.
Also, a former coworker pointed out to me that on the issue of Embryo Adoption, I should not want my fellow pro-life laborers to depart from their Catholic positions to do their jobs. Of course not and I don't intend to communicate that. My apologies if I did. But those persons put in conflict should either then change the mission statement of their organization to omit the reference to "non denominational" or they should resign from their positions if they cannot be both good Catholics and good pro-lifers. Considering that most of their objections are not even life issues (the Catholic church makes references to surrogacy, the dignity of the embryo, the baby's right to be born to genetically related persons, etc), those arguments should be completely left out of decisions that the organization makes.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Today's Ultrasound, and Post Mother's Day Recap
Today's ultrasound went fine. This is a standard-procedure ultrasound wherein they were to determine if my uterine lining was of the correct thickness to proceed with the transfer next week, or if they needed to do something to thin or thicken it, or cancel the cycle all together. The lining has to be just right to accept the embryo-too thin and it can't support this new life, and too thick and the baby just can't burrow to where it needs to go. My doctor did say that things looked a little thicker than he would like, but the progesterone I'm starting this week should get it right to where it needs to go. (Shots start on Wednesday--dislike!) So, we are still on track for a Monday transfer.
I'm feeling better about this transfer. My friend Heather, a fellow Snowflake Mommy, encouraged me that just as each embryo is unique, each transfer is unique, and God's plan for each of these babies is unique, so I need to go in without the fear of the past crowding my expectations. I think I remember encouraging her with similar thoughts after her first transfer failed, but somehow, it's always easier to say it to someone else, and much harder to remember when it's about you. So, thank you, sweet friend, for the reminder. I've been praying for God to grow me in faith and expectation and trust for this transfer. It's so much different than last time(s). I do pray for it to "work" but that's not the primary focus of my prayer life for this transfer, and I'm grateful to God for growing my heart and understanding.
I have pretty incredible friends. For the first time in I can't remember how long, Mother's Day wasn't unbearable.
But before I explain why, here is the back story. One of the hardest things about being the mommy to children no one can know is their invisibility, and mine that comes with it. I often find myself frustrated with the hypocrisy that pro-life people will picket the abortion clinic and/or oppose embryonic stem cell research and/or tout the line "life begins at conception" but when these little lives are actually created, or worse, lost, they're not treated like children and we're not treated like their mothers.
I was their mommy the moment we adopted them, and I'm still their mother, even though several of them have already met Jesus. And yet good, Christian, pro-life people will still refer to me (and the general class of women like me) as a "future mother" or "not yet a mother" or someone who "hopes to be a mother." It's positively maddening! If you're going to say these are human lives, then refer to them as such! These are real human lives in frozen storage who are our living children and who need our protection and care, these are real human lives going into my body, and the ones we lost were real human lives who died!
I know there is little-to-no malice in a lot of these kind of comments. But if we're going to be consistently pro-life, we have to rid ourselves of that kind of thinking. Each and every life is precious, regardless of whether or not we get to see and hold that life.
This sort of inconsistency is honestly, one of the reasons I resigned from the pro-life non-profit I worked for. They can't get on board with embryo adoption. And I can't wrap my head around that.
So anyway, that's one of the big reasons I struggle with Mother's Day. Before, it was just a reminder that I didn't have what I desperately wanted. Then, it became this awful message that I'm just not mother-enough for me to warrant mention or inclusion in such a holiday. Don't get me wrong. It's not about the gifts or cards. It's really, truly not. It's about the acknowledgment that my babies mattered;: by affirming that I am a mother, you affirm to me that their lives exist and matter. By remembering me, you remember them. And when all you have of your babies is love and hope and dreams and other invisibles, someone else acknowledging their existence means more than I can ever possibly explain.
But, the world just doesn't think that way. People will often say that they're the parents or grandparents (or whatever) of ___ children, and only count the born-living ones. "Happy Mother's Day" is often only said only to those whose children they have held in their arms. Innumerable babies die before birth with no name, ceremony, or remembrance of their life. Countless women whose only children are in heaven are afraid other people will think they're weird if they stand when the pastor asks all moms to stand up. I think it's just something unintentionally ingrained in us, that we often only acknowledge what we can see. I think it's not coincidence that we (well, I!) have the same struggles with faith!
Back to why Mother's Day was wonderful. From Friday all the way through yesterday, I received flowers, cards, emails, facebook posts and text messages from too many friends to possibly mention. And I just weep with gratitude. While the tangibles of the cards and flowers are nice and I cherish them, to each one of you who acknowledged my motherhood this weekend, thank you for that, and more importantly, thank you for remembering my children. Thank you for claiming their lives and dignities and existence and personhood with me. Thank you for investing in me and in them, with your prayers and your petitions and your encouragement. It means more than I could ever possibly tell you. I so incredibly grateful for you and I love you all, more than words can say.
I'm feeling better about this transfer. My friend Heather, a fellow Snowflake Mommy, encouraged me that just as each embryo is unique, each transfer is unique, and God's plan for each of these babies is unique, so I need to go in without the fear of the past crowding my expectations. I think I remember encouraging her with similar thoughts after her first transfer failed, but somehow, it's always easier to say it to someone else, and much harder to remember when it's about you. So, thank you, sweet friend, for the reminder. I've been praying for God to grow me in faith and expectation and trust for this transfer. It's so much different than last time(s). I do pray for it to "work" but that's not the primary focus of my prayer life for this transfer, and I'm grateful to God for growing my heart and understanding.
I have pretty incredible friends. For the first time in I can't remember how long, Mother's Day wasn't unbearable.
But before I explain why, here is the back story. One of the hardest things about being the mommy to children no one can know is their invisibility, and mine that comes with it. I often find myself frustrated with the hypocrisy that pro-life people will picket the abortion clinic and/or oppose embryonic stem cell research and/or tout the line "life begins at conception" but when these little lives are actually created, or worse, lost, they're not treated like children and we're not treated like their mothers.
I was their mommy the moment we adopted them, and I'm still their mother, even though several of them have already met Jesus. And yet good, Christian, pro-life people will still refer to me (and the general class of women like me) as a "future mother" or "not yet a mother" or someone who "hopes to be a mother." It's positively maddening! If you're going to say these are human lives, then refer to them as such! These are real human lives in frozen storage who are our living children and who need our protection and care, these are real human lives going into my body, and the ones we lost were real human lives who died!
I know there is little-to-no malice in a lot of these kind of comments. But if we're going to be consistently pro-life, we have to rid ourselves of that kind of thinking. Each and every life is precious, regardless of whether or not we get to see and hold that life.
This sort of inconsistency is honestly, one of the reasons I resigned from the pro-life non-profit I worked for. They can't get on board with embryo adoption. And I can't wrap my head around that.
So anyway, that's one of the big reasons I struggle with Mother's Day. Before, it was just a reminder that I didn't have what I desperately wanted. Then, it became this awful message that I'm just not mother-enough for me to warrant mention or inclusion in such a holiday. Don't get me wrong. It's not about the gifts or cards. It's really, truly not. It's about the acknowledgment that my babies mattered;: by affirming that I am a mother, you affirm to me that their lives exist and matter. By remembering me, you remember them. And when all you have of your babies is love and hope and dreams and other invisibles, someone else acknowledging their existence means more than I can ever possibly explain.
But, the world just doesn't think that way. People will often say that they're the parents or grandparents (or whatever) of ___ children, and only count the born-living ones. "Happy Mother's Day" is often only said only to those whose children they have held in their arms. Innumerable babies die before birth with no name, ceremony, or remembrance of their life. Countless women whose only children are in heaven are afraid other people will think they're weird if they stand when the pastor asks all moms to stand up. I think it's just something unintentionally ingrained in us, that we often only acknowledge what we can see. I think it's not coincidence that we (well, I!) have the same struggles with faith!
Back to why Mother's Day was wonderful. From Friday all the way through yesterday, I received flowers, cards, emails, facebook posts and text messages from too many friends to possibly mention. And I just weep with gratitude. While the tangibles of the cards and flowers are nice and I cherish them, to each one of you who acknowledged my motherhood this weekend, thank you for that, and more importantly, thank you for remembering my children. Thank you for claiming their lives and dignities and existence and personhood with me. Thank you for investing in me and in them, with your prayers and your petitions and your encouragement. It means more than I could ever possibly tell you. I so incredibly grateful for you and I love you all, more than words can say.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Shifting (Rather, Expanding) Focus + New EA Resources
This blog has had a few identity-crises in its young life. It tends to wander as much as my thoughts do, covering everything from the mundane goings on of our life, to our progress in our adoption, and everything in between. It serves as a way to keep people we know updated on our life.
But, we also want to serve as a "picture" of embryo adoption. I get emails relatively regularly from people who find my blog in their own search for more information on it. Honestly, as much as I love telling our story to our friends and family, those are the emails I love the most, because I have such a heart for spreading the word about Embryo Adoption.
I want this to be a real picture of it. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the plain-old hard. But I also want it to be informative in terms of the process itself, relevant developments in research and law, the emergence of new resources, etc.
So, to that end, I will now be including more clinical type information on my blog. I will still be including our personal story, because I think that's as relevant to the picture as "the facts" but be forewarned that those of you who bore easily may be skipping an occasional post or two henceforth :)
So, I invite you to keep reading, as much or as little as you would like, and let me know if you ever have any questions about Embryo Adoption!
Resources for the day:
•Governor Brewer (R-AZ), just signed SB1307 on Friday, which is a new bill that protects the dignity of the human embryo. It bans embryonic stem-cell research, cloning, and combining human embryos with non-human cells or implanting them in non-human bodies. It also prevents the sale of human embryos. This is wonderful news in the effort to restore and protect the dignity of these precious little lives. It unfortunately does not prohibit the destruction of embryos; it simply says you cannot conduct research on them. While this bill does not pertain directly to Embryo Adoption, join me in praying that the people who once planned to donate their embryos to research would choose to give life to them, rather than their remaining alternatives of destroying them or leaving them frozen indefinitely.
•Canada now has its first Open Embryo Adoption/Donation program. Click here for more information.
•The Embryo Donation and Adoption Awareness Center has a list of all Embryo Adoption programs in the United States. There are countless additional donation programs, as many clinics offer private, anonymous options.
I think that's all for now, folks!
But, we also want to serve as a "picture" of embryo adoption. I get emails relatively regularly from people who find my blog in their own search for more information on it. Honestly, as much as I love telling our story to our friends and family, those are the emails I love the most, because I have such a heart for spreading the word about Embryo Adoption.
I want this to be a real picture of it. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the plain-old hard. But I also want it to be informative in terms of the process itself, relevant developments in research and law, the emergence of new resources, etc.
So, to that end, I will now be including more clinical type information on my blog. I will still be including our personal story, because I think that's as relevant to the picture as "the facts" but be forewarned that those of you who bore easily may be skipping an occasional post or two henceforth :)
So, I invite you to keep reading, as much or as little as you would like, and let me know if you ever have any questions about Embryo Adoption!
Resources for the day:
•Governor Brewer (R-AZ), just signed SB1307 on Friday, which is a new bill that protects the dignity of the human embryo. It bans embryonic stem-cell research, cloning, and combining human embryos with non-human cells or implanting them in non-human bodies. It also prevents the sale of human embryos. This is wonderful news in the effort to restore and protect the dignity of these precious little lives. It unfortunately does not prohibit the destruction of embryos; it simply says you cannot conduct research on them. While this bill does not pertain directly to Embryo Adoption, join me in praying that the people who once planned to donate their embryos to research would choose to give life to them, rather than their remaining alternatives of destroying them or leaving them frozen indefinitely.
•Canada now has its first Open Embryo Adoption/Donation program. Click here for more information.
•The Embryo Donation and Adoption Awareness Center has a list of all Embryo Adoption programs in the United States. There are countless additional donation programs, as many clinics offer private, anonymous options.
I think that's all for now, folks!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Growing Faith
I've had an interesting weekend. I had some really good reconnect time with DH, which is always good for my spirit.
I received and devoured I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith, mother to little Audrey, who died a couple of hours after her birth. The book is amazing. My review is here, if you want to read it.
Angie's net point is that after traumatic loss, joy and grief are inextricably connected. And their connection is beautiful and necessary and divine. This was such a refreshing change from the traditional notion that they are mutually exclusive, and one must "get over" or "leave" the one, in order to understand the other. The fear and the loss of the past will always be a part of my story and my heart. But, despite the fact that I've let them recently, they do not have to dictate my ability to hold onto hope for the future.
I talked to my best friend earlier in the week (a rarity with me working two jobs, her working part time and being a full time mommy) and shared with her the thoughts I shared in my last entry. She encouraged me to consider the thought that perhaps I was looking for fear. I thought about it for a while, but didn't really draw any conclusions. Then this morning, I talked to Mike's wife Krista, and told her what I was wrestling with. She first very practically demonstrated several ways in which this time with Mike is different than the other times, so even if things were connected before, this is not the same situation. But moreover, she challenged me to think that maybe I was just looking for ways to put up walls to protect my heart.
I took Angie's book, Kim's words, and Krista's words and drew some conclusions tonight. They're all right. I am scared. At this point, fear, loss, and disappointment is all I know of this particular journey. It's become easy to expect little from God in this area of my life. In that regard, my faith has grown very small.
We were talking in Sunday school today and Mike (same Mike) made a point to remark about how wonderful it is that faith can grow. And we can ask God to grow it. It's not He gives our allowance at conversion and whatever we spend or lose, well, tough-turkeys. We're out of luck. But our kind God bestowed even our faith as a gift. Even that is not something we must conjure up ourselves, for we could not. In His generous nature, He gives it to us, and when we lose, expend, or hide it, He generously gives us more when we ask.
It was good to be reminded of that, and by Mike of all people, who is facing far more than I am. My faith is small that God will answer our prayers for a baby. But I can ask Him to grow that faith. His answer to our prayers for children may still be "no," but He will generously give me all the faith I ask for.
You'd think that at my age as both a person and a Christian, I wouldn't need to relearn the same lessons over and over again. And here I am. So, I've been meditating on that and praying for more faith.
I'm a lousy housekeeper. Terrible. Awful. I hate that about myself, but there it is. When I was a kid, my grandma had this little music box in her guest room, which is where my brother and I would sleep.
This box is full of little pieces of cardstock-each one has a verse on each side and one side of each piece of paper is assigned to a different day of the year. You're supposed to read the verse for that day, then move it to the back of the stack. More times than I can remember, once I was in the room alone, I would pull this box out, listen to it play "standing on the promises," and then take all the cards out and figure out how they could all be in order all year round, even though there were two different days on each card. (Yes, strange things amused me). Anyway, because of this odd fascination, I was sentimentally attached to the box and asked for it when they died.
Back to my lousy housekeeping. Tonight, I was looking for something in my room, and moved a pile of stuff. In doing so, I bumped open the box, which was under the pile, sort of forgotten. I heard the familiar tune and let it play until it ran out and enjoyed the sweet memories of my grandparents. I was looking at the little cards, and reading through some of the verses.
In a lot of ways, the box is sort of campy and silly-- pulling verses that make no sense without their surrounding verses and putting them down anyway. For example, May 28 reads, in its entirety "Distributing to the necessity of saints. ~Romans 12:13." Well, true, it is one verse for that day. But it's not even one sentence. And no, the rest of the sentence and passage are not on surrounding days. So, it's not a prophetic or even overwhelmingly useful tool in general. Like I said, I keep it for sentimentality, not function.
But, I decided to look for today's verse. This is what it says:
Thanks, God.
The other thing I realized is that it's not my job to protect my heart, even and especially from the Lord. It's His job to protect it, and nourish it, and build it up, and teach it. Putting up walls of fear and bitterness and disbelief really only serve to punish me (self-inflicted) and distance me from my Jesus. Who do I think I'm kidding, anyway? It's not like He doesn't see what I'm doing. The only thing it solves is that when and if the heartache comes, I'm siting out in self-exile instead of in my Father's lap.
So, I'm trying to make a conscious, child-like decision to believe with abandon, to hope without fear, and to trust without worry. And those things should remain true, regardless of our pregnancy outcome. Keeping to that will require God's help, too. Please pray for me as I embark on this.
I feel much freer this evening than I have the last few days. And I'm so grateful. I do want to appreciate and learn from this time and stay unbound from fear and distrust. But sometimes I have a hard time getting over my own heart to actually be that way. But God is granting that desire even in spite of me.
So, it's been a wonderful, instructive weekend. Praise God!
I received and devoured I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith, mother to little Audrey, who died a couple of hours after her birth. The book is amazing. My review is here, if you want to read it.
Angie's net point is that after traumatic loss, joy and grief are inextricably connected. And their connection is beautiful and necessary and divine. This was such a refreshing change from the traditional notion that they are mutually exclusive, and one must "get over" or "leave" the one, in order to understand the other. The fear and the loss of the past will always be a part of my story and my heart. But, despite the fact that I've let them recently, they do not have to dictate my ability to hold onto hope for the future.
I talked to my best friend earlier in the week (a rarity with me working two jobs, her working part time and being a full time mommy) and shared with her the thoughts I shared in my last entry. She encouraged me to consider the thought that perhaps I was looking for fear. I thought about it for a while, but didn't really draw any conclusions. Then this morning, I talked to Mike's wife Krista, and told her what I was wrestling with. She first very practically demonstrated several ways in which this time with Mike is different than the other times, so even if things were connected before, this is not the same situation. But moreover, she challenged me to think that maybe I was just looking for ways to put up walls to protect my heart.
I took Angie's book, Kim's words, and Krista's words and drew some conclusions tonight. They're all right. I am scared. At this point, fear, loss, and disappointment is all I know of this particular journey. It's become easy to expect little from God in this area of my life. In that regard, my faith has grown very small.
We were talking in Sunday school today and Mike (same Mike) made a point to remark about how wonderful it is that faith can grow. And we can ask God to grow it. It's not He gives our allowance at conversion and whatever we spend or lose, well, tough-turkeys. We're out of luck. But our kind God bestowed even our faith as a gift. Even that is not something we must conjure up ourselves, for we could not. In His generous nature, He gives it to us, and when we lose, expend, or hide it, He generously gives us more when we ask.
It was good to be reminded of that, and by Mike of all people, who is facing far more than I am. My faith is small that God will answer our prayers for a baby. But I can ask Him to grow that faith. His answer to our prayers for children may still be "no," but He will generously give me all the faith I ask for.
You'd think that at my age as both a person and a Christian, I wouldn't need to relearn the same lessons over and over again. And here I am. So, I've been meditating on that and praying for more faith.
I'm a lousy housekeeper. Terrible. Awful. I hate that about myself, but there it is. When I was a kid, my grandma had this little music box in her guest room, which is where my brother and I would sleep.
This box is full of little pieces of cardstock-each one has a verse on each side and one side of each piece of paper is assigned to a different day of the year. You're supposed to read the verse for that day, then move it to the back of the stack. More times than I can remember, once I was in the room alone, I would pull this box out, listen to it play "standing on the promises," and then take all the cards out and figure out how they could all be in order all year round, even though there were two different days on each card. (Yes, strange things amused me). Anyway, because of this odd fascination, I was sentimentally attached to the box and asked for it when they died.
Back to my lousy housekeeping. Tonight, I was looking for something in my room, and moved a pile of stuff. In doing so, I bumped open the box, which was under the pile, sort of forgotten. I heard the familiar tune and let it play until it ran out and enjoyed the sweet memories of my grandparents. I was looking at the little cards, and reading through some of the verses.
In a lot of ways, the box is sort of campy and silly-- pulling verses that make no sense without their surrounding verses and putting them down anyway. For example, May 28 reads, in its entirety "Distributing to the necessity of saints. ~Romans 12:13." Well, true, it is one verse for that day. But it's not even one sentence. And no, the rest of the sentence and passage are not on surrounding days. So, it's not a prophetic or even overwhelmingly useful tool in general. Like I said, I keep it for sentimentality, not function.
But, I decided to look for today's verse. This is what it says:
Thanks, God.
The other thing I realized is that it's not my job to protect my heart, even and especially from the Lord. It's His job to protect it, and nourish it, and build it up, and teach it. Putting up walls of fear and bitterness and disbelief really only serve to punish me (self-inflicted) and distance me from my Jesus. Who do I think I'm kidding, anyway? It's not like He doesn't see what I'm doing. The only thing it solves is that when and if the heartache comes, I'm siting out in self-exile instead of in my Father's lap.
So, I'm trying to make a conscious, child-like decision to believe with abandon, to hope without fear, and to trust without worry. And those things should remain true, regardless of our pregnancy outcome. Keeping to that will require God's help, too. Please pray for me as I embark on this.
I feel much freer this evening than I have the last few days. And I'm so grateful. I do want to appreciate and learn from this time and stay unbound from fear and distrust. But sometimes I have a hard time getting over my own heart to actually be that way. But God is granting that desire even in spite of me.
So, it's been a wonderful, instructive weekend. Praise God!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Changes and thoughts about transfer 3
Changes are afoot in our household.
First, we've decided not to pursue moving at this time. We felt like the situation created too tenuous a position between us and DH's parents, and overall we did not have peace about the timing. So I guess the change is that we're NOT changing this.
Second, I have resigned my job from the non-profit I for which I worked for 5 years. I've long felt disrespected and under-appreciated, but stayed because I care about the cause and felt like what I was doing mattered. Some things happened this week that just confirmed that it's no longer a good fit for me or for them. Pray for me as I transition. I struggle a lot with feeling significant and I experienced some struggle when I left the non-profit before. I've always found a great amount of satisfaction in what I do; I'm good at it and it's for a cause dear to my heart. It's hard for me to feel significant as a housewife and a secretary (my other job). Don't get me wrong-my husband is a wonderful man to serve with and my pastor is a wonderful boss. But really, whose life was ever changed by a secretary? Did vacuuming ever save anyone's life? I know that my significance is in the Lord, but I guess in this particular area, I'm wired more male than female in that I assign a lot of significance to my job. As I've struggled with childlessness, my job has helped me a lot. In my opinion, parenting is the most important job in the world, and the only one I ever wanted. As I've not had that, having something else to do that I thought really mattered in this world helped me a lot. It's hard to feel like what y0u do matters when your daily activities consist of housecleaning and clerical tasks. So, please just pray for my protection from that. And pray for the organization, too, as they transition and develop a new fit with a new person.
Our friend Mike has another new tumor spot. That hit me really hard yesterday. Whenever something like that happens, the reality of the timeline of life jolts me. But beyond that, of course we're upset for him and for his family. Please, please, please, continue to pray for a miracle for them.
People ask me how I'm feeling about this next transfer. Honestly, between the time I got the date, and the time I got the news about the new tumor, I was doing really well. I was excited and filled with wonder, and I didn't seem to have a lot of the cynicism and fear and worry that I had with transfer number 2.
But once we got that phone call, I was immediately filled with fear. During Mike's last tumor and hospitalization, we spent a lot of time caregiving for his kids. A lot of time--far more time than we could have ever given them if we had our own young children to parent. God made it pretty clear to us that a major reason our transfer didn't work before was that He needed us to be available for this dear family. And we were grateful to do it-those kids light up our lives like no one else, and we love their family dearly. Now, knowing that he's sick again, I am filled with fear. I'm literally petrified. I fear that God will say no again now for the same reason as before. Like this whole thing is just going to be deja vu all over again. The fear goes from the pit of my stomach, up to the dark corners of my brain and down into feet that now feel like lead, unable to move. I've never had this kind of overwhelming sense of worry. I'm worried about Mike, I'm worried about our babies, and I'm worried about reaching my breaking point if God breaks out hearts again.
Miscarrying our girls was the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced. The failed transfer was the second. I'm so afraid of enduring it again. These weren't just some clinical science products to us. They were our babies, who we love with all our hearts.
So I don't know what all that means. We obviously don't want to proceed without peace. On the other hand, after one loss, I'm not sure that at least a baseline level of fear ever goes away, so if I wait for that, it will never come. And at the end of the day, regardless of whether or not we ever meet any of these children here on earth, it's still our responsibility to thaw and transfer them and get them out of frozen limbo and give them a chance at life. We owe them that, regardless of a pregnancy outcome. So even if every single transfer fails, not going through with one just postpones the inevitable, because I refuse to leave my babies in the state they're in. I guess just sometimes I feel like I'm more of a processing plant than a mom.
Mother's Day is the loneliest day in the whole world. Please pray for me, and for all women who suffer from infertility, as we approach it. There is no celebration for mothers whose children are dead or for those whose children have yet to come. But every time you turn around, you're smacked with a silly facebook status update, a television commecial, a store promotion, etc, etc. During this season, it just feels like the whole world has what you want, and everyone and everything is out to remind you of that. And we still do need to put our own feelings aside and honor our own moms, so please, just pray for us.
As downer of a post as this sounds, we are well in other regards. And in an update to a previous post, it does feel like my knee is getting better, so hopefully, we'll have avoided surgery.
I've got to scoot-we're having dinner with the fam tonight! I hope you all are well!
First, we've decided not to pursue moving at this time. We felt like the situation created too tenuous a position between us and DH's parents, and overall we did not have peace about the timing. So I guess the change is that we're NOT changing this.
Second, I have resigned my job from the non-profit I for which I worked for 5 years. I've long felt disrespected and under-appreciated, but stayed because I care about the cause and felt like what I was doing mattered. Some things happened this week that just confirmed that it's no longer a good fit for me or for them. Pray for me as I transition. I struggle a lot with feeling significant and I experienced some struggle when I left the non-profit before. I've always found a great amount of satisfaction in what I do; I'm good at it and it's for a cause dear to my heart. It's hard for me to feel significant as a housewife and a secretary (my other job). Don't get me wrong-my husband is a wonderful man to serve with and my pastor is a wonderful boss. But really, whose life was ever changed by a secretary? Did vacuuming ever save anyone's life? I know that my significance is in the Lord, but I guess in this particular area, I'm wired more male than female in that I assign a lot of significance to my job. As I've struggled with childlessness, my job has helped me a lot. In my opinion, parenting is the most important job in the world, and the only one I ever wanted. As I've not had that, having something else to do that I thought really mattered in this world helped me a lot. It's hard to feel like what y0u do matters when your daily activities consist of housecleaning and clerical tasks. So, please just pray for my protection from that. And pray for the organization, too, as they transition and develop a new fit with a new person.
Our friend Mike has another new tumor spot. That hit me really hard yesterday. Whenever something like that happens, the reality of the timeline of life jolts me. But beyond that, of course we're upset for him and for his family. Please, please, please, continue to pray for a miracle for them.
People ask me how I'm feeling about this next transfer. Honestly, between the time I got the date, and the time I got the news about the new tumor, I was doing really well. I was excited and filled with wonder, and I didn't seem to have a lot of the cynicism and fear and worry that I had with transfer number 2.
But once we got that phone call, I was immediately filled with fear. During Mike's last tumor and hospitalization, we spent a lot of time caregiving for his kids. A lot of time--far more time than we could have ever given them if we had our own young children to parent. God made it pretty clear to us that a major reason our transfer didn't work before was that He needed us to be available for this dear family. And we were grateful to do it-those kids light up our lives like no one else, and we love their family dearly. Now, knowing that he's sick again, I am filled with fear. I'm literally petrified. I fear that God will say no again now for the same reason as before. Like this whole thing is just going to be deja vu all over again. The fear goes from the pit of my stomach, up to the dark corners of my brain and down into feet that now feel like lead, unable to move. I've never had this kind of overwhelming sense of worry. I'm worried about Mike, I'm worried about our babies, and I'm worried about reaching my breaking point if God breaks out hearts again.
Miscarrying our girls was the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced. The failed transfer was the second. I'm so afraid of enduring it again. These weren't just some clinical science products to us. They were our babies, who we love with all our hearts.
So I don't know what all that means. We obviously don't want to proceed without peace. On the other hand, after one loss, I'm not sure that at least a baseline level of fear ever goes away, so if I wait for that, it will never come. And at the end of the day, regardless of whether or not we ever meet any of these children here on earth, it's still our responsibility to thaw and transfer them and get them out of frozen limbo and give them a chance at life. We owe them that, regardless of a pregnancy outcome. So even if every single transfer fails, not going through with one just postpones the inevitable, because I refuse to leave my babies in the state they're in. I guess just sometimes I feel like I'm more of a processing plant than a mom.
Mother's Day is the loneliest day in the whole world. Please pray for me, and for all women who suffer from infertility, as we approach it. There is no celebration for mothers whose children are dead or for those whose children have yet to come. But every time you turn around, you're smacked with a silly facebook status update, a television commecial, a store promotion, etc, etc. During this season, it just feels like the whole world has what you want, and everyone and everything is out to remind you of that. And we still do need to put our own feelings aside and honor our own moms, so please, just pray for us.
As downer of a post as this sounds, we are well in other regards. And in an update to a previous post, it does feel like my knee is getting better, so hopefully, we'll have avoided surgery.
I've got to scoot-we're having dinner with the fam tonight! I hope you all are well!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Clinic Directives
I just read about a woman who recently underwent a Frozen Embryo Transfer with donated embryos. At the time of transfer, she chose to thaw 5 embryos. Once they were thawed, she chose the best two, and discarded the other 3. She is now pregnant. To stay I'm stunned by and struggling with this is the understatement of the century. But this isn't about my feelings on this. And it's not about judgment on her, because I don't know her. I'm only grieved by her choices. It's about dispelling inaccuracies, myths, and lies. Nadya Suleman was the perfect example of a woman who felt backed into a corner because she was provided inaccurate and incomplete information. And I think that happens all too often, especially in the world of ARTs.
First, discarded is just a euphemism for killed. An embryo is a completely individual, completely unique, completely human, tiny little life. It contains all of the genetic material it will ever have, which means that from its creation, it was as much a human being as you or I. The only difference is size and degree of development. But, just like a newborn is different from a toddler who is different from a teenager, who is different than a twenty-something, who is different from a geriatric, but they are all still equally human, so is this little embryo. Her body still needs to grow, but every single cell of her being is human. Therefore, you cannot discard as though you can something inanimate. You can only kill.
She said that she discarded the other 3 because her clinic refuses to refreeze. I have a couple responses.
First: You are the patient. And YOU are the parent. YOU have the right to determine what happens to your babies and to you. Reproductive Technology is the only medical field I've ever encountered where the doctors expect patients to surrender a carte blanche. With our first clinic, the thaw/transfer contracts basically boiled down to "when in doubt, we (the clinic) make all the decisions and we'll do what we think is best."
But think about it. Would a dentist ever just tell you, "Open your mouth, and trust me. I'll let you know when I'm done?" Who knows if you'd end up with fillings or braces or no teeth at all? Would a Physical Therapist ever map out a plan of action without soliciting your input? How about a cardiologist? For Pete's sake, not even a hairdresser would do that! In every case, the caregiver would assess the situation, take exams if necessary, and then outline your options to you and the two of you would choose one together.
Do you want a gold filling or a silver one? Do you want a hip replacement or physical therapy? Do you want heart surgery or drug therapy? Do you want bangs or a bowl-cut? Why the reproductive field is any different, I don't know. (I realize that things are different when you're in a critical care situation with a comatose patient, but this is not that scenario). It doesn't have to be that way. No amount of authoritative language actually means they have any legal right over you to make those decisions (that's not to imply that they're behaving illegally, it's just to say that just because they say it's their right, doesn't mean it actually is). Sure, it's their right to do business as they please, but it's your right to take your business elsewhere if you're not satisfied.
DON'T sign paperwork you're not comfortable with. We spent DAYS editing our first transfer paperwork, to omit every single reference to and possible loophole for any kind of destruction of life, as well as any ambiguity about decision making. And then we met with the Embryologist to lay out our priorities just in case we'd missed anything in writing. And that was our right and our clinic respected it.
When we switched doctors, we again reviewed all contracts before our babies were ever touched, and were very clear with our directives from the get-go. At the end of the day, YOU make the choices for yourself and your children. Don't let a clinic bully you into making decisions you're not comfortable with. Know, in advance, their policies and procedures for every possible scenario: When are the embryos being thawed? Who decides how many to thaw? What happens if every embryo you thaw survives? What happens if only some that are thawed survive? What happens to those who look "stalled" or "arrested" or "weak" or "slow?" WHO makes those decisions-the doctor or the patient? Do they decide according to "viability" or according to "dead or not dead." ("Viable" in this case is a gray area that means the embryo is technically alive, but the Embryologist will decide what chances it has for survival).
Read your contracts very very carefully. Get to know the heart of your doctor. Is their goal to "get you pregnant" or to honor your wishes, including if it means treating each life as a precious individual? We've been blessed that in both our cases, while our doctors disagree with us on the value and the life of the embryo, they operated according to our beliefs when dealing with our babies. Under any circumstances, do not go in to a thaw/transfer situation without knowing who has the ultimate decision making power in every scenario. Get to know what the nuances in the contract language mean. Be as specific as possible in your directives. On a side but related note, also make sure your clinic has instructions on what to do with your embryos in case you die. In most cases, the embryos would be destroyed unless you tell them differently in advance.
But, if after all that, your clinic doesn't want to let you alter your contract or make your own decisions, or if you just don't think they'll respect the treatment of those lives that you think they demand, get a new clinic! At the end of the day, they are a service-provider. You don't owe them your business or your loyalty, and in most regions of the country, there are several other choices who would love your business. You DO owe your children your protection.
If for some reason you're in a situation where there's only one pony show in town, or only one insurance-approved provider, or some other reason where you're forced to use this clinic/doctor and no one else, then make your decisions accordingly. If you know they won't refreeze, then don't thaw more embryos than you're willing to transfer. Thawing only takes about half an hour. You can start out conservatively and if they die in the thaw, you can still thaw more before your transfer. I do know that doesn't allow for culturing over days with day 1-3 embies, but I'm of the belief the quicker they're in the natural womb, the better. God holds their lives-if they're going to live, they'll live and He doesn't need a couple extra days in a dish to accomplish that.
However, if you do believe in culturing, then only thaw the amount of embryos you'd be willing to carry in pregnancy if they all survived and implanted, and no more. If that means you end up canceling a cycle because all embryos died in the thaw and you don't have time to thaw more, well, so be it. If Embryo Adoption is how God intends to grow your family, He'll equip you with the means you need to go through as many transfers as it takes. Don't make life-or-death decisions according to economy and odds.
Embryo adoption cannot be about just getting you pregnant. There are now other people involved, so this can't be just about you. As soon as you take responsibility for those babies, your decisions have to be about them. These tiny lives have been entrusted to your care for nurture, shepherding, and protection. Considering Embryo Adoption only as a fertility treatment opens the door for all sorts of decisions that I don't think anyone would make if they considered these precious as they are: tiny little children. These babies need our protection and our advocacy. Their tiny little lives have already had an unconventional and dangerous start. Please be careful as you make your decisions about your future, and theirs. Seek the Lord to direct you with wisdom and discernment as you make decisions. Stand up for your rights, and for theirs. Educate yourself and know the information that could change or harm all your lives. Communicate with your doctors. Know what you don't know. And when in doubt, please err on the side of caution.
First, discarded is just a euphemism for killed. An embryo is a completely individual, completely unique, completely human, tiny little life. It contains all of the genetic material it will ever have, which means that from its creation, it was as much a human being as you or I. The only difference is size and degree of development. But, just like a newborn is different from a toddler who is different from a teenager, who is different than a twenty-something, who is different from a geriatric, but they are all still equally human, so is this little embryo. Her body still needs to grow, but every single cell of her being is human. Therefore, you cannot discard as though you can something inanimate. You can only kill.
She said that she discarded the other 3 because her clinic refuses to refreeze. I have a couple responses.
First: You are the patient. And YOU are the parent. YOU have the right to determine what happens to your babies and to you. Reproductive Technology is the only medical field I've ever encountered where the doctors expect patients to surrender a carte blanche. With our first clinic, the thaw/transfer contracts basically boiled down to "when in doubt, we (the clinic) make all the decisions and we'll do what we think is best."
But think about it. Would a dentist ever just tell you, "Open your mouth, and trust me. I'll let you know when I'm done?" Who knows if you'd end up with fillings or braces or no teeth at all? Would a Physical Therapist ever map out a plan of action without soliciting your input? How about a cardiologist? For Pete's sake, not even a hairdresser would do that! In every case, the caregiver would assess the situation, take exams if necessary, and then outline your options to you and the two of you would choose one together.
Do you want a gold filling or a silver one? Do you want a hip replacement or physical therapy? Do you want heart surgery or drug therapy? Do you want bangs or a bowl-cut? Why the reproductive field is any different, I don't know. (I realize that things are different when you're in a critical care situation with a comatose patient, but this is not that scenario). It doesn't have to be that way. No amount of authoritative language actually means they have any legal right over you to make those decisions (that's not to imply that they're behaving illegally, it's just to say that just because they say it's their right, doesn't mean it actually is). Sure, it's their right to do business as they please, but it's your right to take your business elsewhere if you're not satisfied.
DON'T sign paperwork you're not comfortable with. We spent DAYS editing our first transfer paperwork, to omit every single reference to and possible loophole for any kind of destruction of life, as well as any ambiguity about decision making. And then we met with the Embryologist to lay out our priorities just in case we'd missed anything in writing. And that was our right and our clinic respected it.
When we switched doctors, we again reviewed all contracts before our babies were ever touched, and were very clear with our directives from the get-go. At the end of the day, YOU make the choices for yourself and your children. Don't let a clinic bully you into making decisions you're not comfortable with. Know, in advance, their policies and procedures for every possible scenario: When are the embryos being thawed? Who decides how many to thaw? What happens if every embryo you thaw survives? What happens if only some that are thawed survive? What happens to those who look "stalled" or "arrested" or "weak" or "slow?" WHO makes those decisions-the doctor or the patient? Do they decide according to "viability" or according to "dead or not dead." ("Viable" in this case is a gray area that means the embryo is technically alive, but the Embryologist will decide what chances it has for survival).
Read your contracts very very carefully. Get to know the heart of your doctor. Is their goal to "get you pregnant" or to honor your wishes, including if it means treating each life as a precious individual? We've been blessed that in both our cases, while our doctors disagree with us on the value and the life of the embryo, they operated according to our beliefs when dealing with our babies. Under any circumstances, do not go in to a thaw/transfer situation without knowing who has the ultimate decision making power in every scenario. Get to know what the nuances in the contract language mean. Be as specific as possible in your directives. On a side but related note, also make sure your clinic has instructions on what to do with your embryos in case you die. In most cases, the embryos would be destroyed unless you tell them differently in advance.
But, if after all that, your clinic doesn't want to let you alter your contract or make your own decisions, or if you just don't think they'll respect the treatment of those lives that you think they demand, get a new clinic! At the end of the day, they are a service-provider. You don't owe them your business or your loyalty, and in most regions of the country, there are several other choices who would love your business. You DO owe your children your protection.
If for some reason you're in a situation where there's only one pony show in town, or only one insurance-approved provider, or some other reason where you're forced to use this clinic/doctor and no one else, then make your decisions accordingly. If you know they won't refreeze, then don't thaw more embryos than you're willing to transfer. Thawing only takes about half an hour. You can start out conservatively and if they die in the thaw, you can still thaw more before your transfer. I do know that doesn't allow for culturing over days with day 1-3 embies, but I'm of the belief the quicker they're in the natural womb, the better. God holds their lives-if they're going to live, they'll live and He doesn't need a couple extra days in a dish to accomplish that.
However, if you do believe in culturing, then only thaw the amount of embryos you'd be willing to carry in pregnancy if they all survived and implanted, and no more. If that means you end up canceling a cycle because all embryos died in the thaw and you don't have time to thaw more, well, so be it. If Embryo Adoption is how God intends to grow your family, He'll equip you with the means you need to go through as many transfers as it takes. Don't make life-or-death decisions according to economy and odds.
Embryo adoption cannot be about just getting you pregnant. There are now other people involved, so this can't be just about you. As soon as you take responsibility for those babies, your decisions have to be about them. These tiny lives have been entrusted to your care for nurture, shepherding, and protection. Considering Embryo Adoption only as a fertility treatment opens the door for all sorts of decisions that I don't think anyone would make if they considered these precious as they are: tiny little children. These babies need our protection and our advocacy. Their tiny little lives have already had an unconventional and dangerous start. Please be careful as you make your decisions about your future, and theirs. Seek the Lord to direct you with wisdom and discernment as you make decisions. Stand up for your rights, and for theirs. Educate yourself and know the information that could change or harm all your lives. Communicate with your doctors. Know what you don't know. And when in doubt, please err on the side of caution.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Another "no"
God's answer was "no," again. We have two more children in Heaven. I'm devastated, but mostly right now, I'm and angry. Honestly, right now I don't think His answer will ever be "yes." And that's really hard to deal with.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Transfer Update
Thanks so much for all your prayers, well wishes and encouragement as we approached and completed our transfer today. Thanks also for the calls and texts to follow up on how things went. Between getting just a few hours of sleep last night and having to be on Valium today, I was so beyond exhausted that I fell asleep on the car ride home and then went immediately to bed when we arrived here. I didn't even have the energy to send out an update or answer any of the calls or texts. Thanks for your patience :)
The first thing we learned when we got there was the results of the transfer. In one particular grading scale, embryos are graded on 3 points: a scale of 1 to 5 grades how well/much they're expanded (5 is high, 1 is low). A grading of A-C (A being best) grades the quality of the inner cell mass. A second grading of A-C grades the quality of the outer ring, called the trophectoderm. The trophectoderm is what becomes the placenta. So, the best rating an embryo can get is 5AA. After that 5AB, 5BB, 4AA, 4AB and 4BB are all considered very good. The doctor told us that we had one 5BB and one 4BB. This was the evaluation they gave them after the thawing process today. Both survived just perfectly. The embryos were rated years ago by the Genetic Parents' Embryologist who created and froze them. The best rating we had from them was right in that same range so that means the Embryos didn't deteriorate much, if at all, during the freezing/storage/thaw process! Hooray! We are grateful to God for protecting our babies through the freezing and thawing process.
The one on the left is the 4 and the other is the right. The bumpy area is the cell mass. The "shell" is the soon-to-be placenta. The excess area is just fluid. If the babies grow as they should, the cells on the left will eventually fill out the whole ring just like the one on the right, and then they'll "hatch" and then they can grab on to the uterus and implant. Isn't it amazing how complex they are at such an early age? God is truly a God of wonder and miracles and intricacies. I don't know how anyone can look at something like this and think that we were created by chance or accident.
The whole thing is guided by ultrasound. They use a catheter to insert the embryos. It's so cool to watch and then suddenly there's this "puff" of white that appears on the screen like a firework or a starburst. We didn't really get to see that last time because the doctor didn't really communicate with us and didn't make us seeing the screen a priority. I'd heard it described before but it was really cool to see.
Forgive the labeling of the bladder-I hope it's not crass. But I wanted to explain the huge black mass! The full bladder pushes the intestine back and the uterus down and then it's clear so they can see through it (think trying to look through a blown up balloon verses an uninflated one).
The white dot is not ACTUALLY the embryos but it's the puff of air they're surrounded in. Without the air, you wouldn't be able to see them at all because they're too small.
Overall this procedure was so much more peaceful than the other. I came out of it feeling so different. I felt like the doctor really communicated with me and I knew a lot more about what was going on. I was more relaxed and I felt physically better.
The doctor said that the embryos looked really good. He said that the transfer itself went "perfectly." It took less than 10 minutes-he got in easily and to the exact right spot with no trouble. This was especially impressive because normally the doctor will do a "practice round." This doctor didn't think it was necessary since I'd had a practice round before the last transfer as well as the transfer itself, in addition to all sorts of ultrasounds, so he thought he had enough data. He just went straight in and out, with no fumbling around or repositioning. He was so skilled--it really made me appreciate that God directed us out of the the care of the previous doctors and allowed such a skilled one to care for us and our babies. The doctor was even commenting to his nurse and the Embryologist about how perfectly everything went--it sounded almost like this was better than even things normally go for folks. He said that he thinks we have a "very good chance of getting pregnant."
After it was over we went to this charming 87 year old Mexican restaurant in this old farm house. It looks like a cross between a Tea Room and a Cantina. We love to go there when we can. Todd said we're teaching the kids early to love Mexican Food (DH LOVES Mexican food...like seriously LOVES it. I like it a lot too, but he has an inordinate attachment to it, as does his dad).
This is our first family picture with all 4 of us. We forgot to get one at the doctor's office, but the fact that it's outside a Mexican restaurant amuses me so much...especially if you know our family!
My parents live in Tucson so they joined us for lunch. My brother surprised us by driving down (from Phoenix), too.
So now, I am officially PUPO--Pregnant until Proven Otherwise. I'm taking it easy today tomorrow and then I'm back to my normal routine.
Thanks so much for praying us through this! All of our requests were answered, save for knowing the actual results, which we'll have to wait some time for. We are so humbled and grateful that everything went so well, and for your friendship and love and encouragement and support!
Grace and peace dear friends,
Todd and Jen + 2 :)
The first thing we learned when we got there was the results of the transfer. In one particular grading scale, embryos are graded on 3 points: a scale of 1 to 5 grades how well/much they're expanded (5 is high, 1 is low). A grading of A-C (A being best) grades the quality of the inner cell mass. A second grading of A-C grades the quality of the outer ring, called the trophectoderm. The trophectoderm is what becomes the placenta. So, the best rating an embryo can get is 5AA. After that 5AB, 5BB, 4AA, 4AB and 4BB are all considered very good. The doctor told us that we had one 5BB and one 4BB. This was the evaluation they gave them after the thawing process today. Both survived just perfectly. The embryos were rated years ago by the Genetic Parents' Embryologist who created and froze them. The best rating we had from them was right in that same range so that means the Embryos didn't deteriorate much, if at all, during the freezing/storage/thaw process! Hooray! We are grateful to God for protecting our babies through the freezing and thawing process.
The one on the left is the 4 and the other is the right. The bumpy area is the cell mass. The "shell" is the soon-to-be placenta. The excess area is just fluid. If the babies grow as they should, the cells on the left will eventually fill out the whole ring just like the one on the right, and then they'll "hatch" and then they can grab on to the uterus and implant. Isn't it amazing how complex they are at such an early age? God is truly a God of wonder and miracles and intricacies. I don't know how anyone can look at something like this and think that we were created by chance or accident.
The whole thing is guided by ultrasound. They use a catheter to insert the embryos. It's so cool to watch and then suddenly there's this "puff" of white that appears on the screen like a firework or a starburst. We didn't really get to see that last time because the doctor didn't really communicate with us and didn't make us seeing the screen a priority. I'd heard it described before but it was really cool to see.
Forgive the labeling of the bladder-I hope it's not crass. But I wanted to explain the huge black mass! The full bladder pushes the intestine back and the uterus down and then it's clear so they can see through it (think trying to look through a blown up balloon verses an uninflated one).
The white dot is not ACTUALLY the embryos but it's the puff of air they're surrounded in. Without the air, you wouldn't be able to see them at all because they're too small.
Overall this procedure was so much more peaceful than the other. I came out of it feeling so different. I felt like the doctor really communicated with me and I knew a lot more about what was going on. I was more relaxed and I felt physically better.
The doctor said that the embryos looked really good. He said that the transfer itself went "perfectly." It took less than 10 minutes-he got in easily and to the exact right spot with no trouble. This was especially impressive because normally the doctor will do a "practice round." This doctor didn't think it was necessary since I'd had a practice round before the last transfer as well as the transfer itself, in addition to all sorts of ultrasounds, so he thought he had enough data. He just went straight in and out, with no fumbling around or repositioning. He was so skilled--it really made me appreciate that God directed us out of the the care of the previous doctors and allowed such a skilled one to care for us and our babies. The doctor was even commenting to his nurse and the Embryologist about how perfectly everything went--it sounded almost like this was better than even things normally go for folks. He said that he thinks we have a "very good chance of getting pregnant."
After it was over we went to this charming 87 year old Mexican restaurant in this old farm house. It looks like a cross between a Tea Room and a Cantina. We love to go there when we can. Todd said we're teaching the kids early to love Mexican Food (DH LOVES Mexican food...like seriously LOVES it. I like it a lot too, but he has an inordinate attachment to it, as does his dad).
This is our first family picture with all 4 of us. We forgot to get one at the doctor's office, but the fact that it's outside a Mexican restaurant amuses me so much...especially if you know our family!
My parents live in Tucson so they joined us for lunch. My brother surprised us by driving down (from Phoenix), too.
So now, I am officially PUPO--Pregnant until Proven Otherwise. I'm taking it easy today tomorrow and then I'm back to my normal routine.
Thanks so much for praying us through this! All of our requests were answered, save for knowing the actual results, which we'll have to wait some time for. We are so humbled and grateful that everything went so well, and for your friendship and love and encouragement and support!
Grace and peace dear friends,
Todd and Jen + 2 :)
Sleepless Night
Tonight is a sleepless night...hopefully one of many to come--(so long as they're caused by sweet baby cries ;) )
Our transfer is in about 8 hours. All day long I've been at peace. But now, my mind, heart and body are racing.
We lit the Candle of Anticipation this week for Advent. I've really been meditating on that this week. Our hearts are full of so much expectation. And that expression of hope, and joy, is only rightfully directed toward our Coming King. Our desire for them is only a fraction of what ought be our desire for Him. The stirring in my heart is a constant reminder of that. Through my longing for my children, the Holy Spirit reminds and exhorts, "Do you long for me, Daughter?" By God's grace and through His Spirit, I do. And yet I need the reminder and the redirection of my focus, for I am weak and easily distracted. I praise God for His mercy in binding my heart to Him and His.
Last night was as close to perfect as it could have been. I worked in the morning. Then I headed toward the gym and got in the pool--I'd forgotten how much I loved doing that! I cut my finger pretty severely on Thanksgiving and have 11 stitches. I still can't get my hand wet so I had to gimp around the pool with the one hand wrapped in a grocery sack and suspended up in the air--I giggled at the sight I must have been. I enjoyed the jacuzzi next, and then went and got my hair cut and styled (SO relaxing, and I like my sassy new 'do). Then DH and I had a wonderful dinner of salad, cheese and chocolate fondues at the M.elting P.ot...yumm! We hit the jacuzzi again on the way home and then drove through this little street nearby that gets all decked out for Christmas. We came home, snuggled with the puppies. We prayed and then I fell asleep as DH read to me Psalms about God's love and mercy and protection and provision and administration of His will. I was so perfectly relaxed, which was such a wonderful answer to prayer. Between the pain I've felt from my finger, and the yucky way my meds have made me feel, I was stressed about being able to relax (ironic, isn't it?) But God answered that prayer so generously!
Now, 5 hours later, I'm awake. I've been praying for our babies, and for my sweet husband. I am already, so, so blessed. I need to remember that. I have the most amazing husband in the world. And if God desires for us to remain just a family of 2 on this earth, that will be enough for me. Dwelling with my sweet husband within the Will of God is far beyond living outside it with a whole brood of children. May the desires of our hearts be answered only so long as they reside in within the desires of His heart!
On that note about my wonderful hubby, I thank God for another year in my hubby's life and another year of hubby being in my life. We celebrated his birthday on Thanksgiving day. It was his birthday, but those of us in his life are the ones who received the gifts. Happy birthday, sweet Hunny of mine!
I am going to go and attempt to get a little more sleep. Thank you all for checking on us and for the many emails we've received. My bum finger has prevented updates for the past week as typing still hurts and I do it as little as possible (plus, I'm really funny and say goofy things when on mass doses of Vicodin-not that my family knows that from Thanksgiving day or anything ;) ).
We instructed the clinic to thaw one vial of two embryos.
If you are so inclined to join us in prayer and interceded on our behalf, these are our specific requests for the transfer:
•That both embryos survive the thaw
•That if one or both embryos do(es) not survive, the death(s) would be evident beyond a shadow of a doubt, eliminating any "gray areas" and guess work
•That the embryologist and doctor would respect our wishes to transfer any embryos with *any* living cells and not discard what they might think is "questionable" (hence the previous prayer request). Our doctor has not given us any indication to believe that he will not respect our wishes, but the contracts are a bit ambiguous and we know other doctors in other clinics have exploited "gray area" situations.
•That the transfer would go smoothly for me and for the babies and the doctor would be able to clearly see and access everything he needs to
•That the transfer would be successful: we pray specifically that all embryos transferred will burrow in deeply in the correct place, and that we would become pregnant, carry a full-term healthy pregnancy and give birth to (a) healthy child(ren).
•That the physical challenges I am is experiencing from the barrage of medications would lessen
•That we would be able to travel safely to and from Tucson (about 2 hours from here) on Wednesday
•That God would protect us from fear and grant us acceptance of His will, regardless of the outcome of the transfer. We have longed for children for so many years, that between that and last year's miscarriage, it's difficult not to get carried away sometimes with fear and worry.
Thank you very much! We rest in the knowledge that the lives of our babies are in the hands of their Creator, and that He loves them more than we ever could.
I'll leave you with my prayers for God's richest of blessings in your lives and for our one picture from last night. I think we now have half a dozen pictures like this, where the only thing that changes is our clothing but nevertheless, I like it a lot!
Nighty night! Or...good morning!
Our transfer is in about 8 hours. All day long I've been at peace. But now, my mind, heart and body are racing.
We lit the Candle of Anticipation this week for Advent. I've really been meditating on that this week. Our hearts are full of so much expectation. And that expression of hope, and joy, is only rightfully directed toward our Coming King. Our desire for them is only a fraction of what ought be our desire for Him. The stirring in my heart is a constant reminder of that. Through my longing for my children, the Holy Spirit reminds and exhorts, "Do you long for me, Daughter?" By God's grace and through His Spirit, I do. And yet I need the reminder and the redirection of my focus, for I am weak and easily distracted. I praise God for His mercy in binding my heart to Him and His.
Last night was as close to perfect as it could have been. I worked in the morning. Then I headed toward the gym and got in the pool--I'd forgotten how much I loved doing that! I cut my finger pretty severely on Thanksgiving and have 11 stitches. I still can't get my hand wet so I had to gimp around the pool with the one hand wrapped in a grocery sack and suspended up in the air--I giggled at the sight I must have been. I enjoyed the jacuzzi next, and then went and got my hair cut and styled (SO relaxing, and I like my sassy new 'do). Then DH and I had a wonderful dinner of salad, cheese and chocolate fondues at the M.elting P.ot...yumm! We hit the jacuzzi again on the way home and then drove through this little street nearby that gets all decked out for Christmas. We came home, snuggled with the puppies. We prayed and then I fell asleep as DH read to me Psalms about God's love and mercy and protection and provision and administration of His will. I was so perfectly relaxed, which was such a wonderful answer to prayer. Between the pain I've felt from my finger, and the yucky way my meds have made me feel, I was stressed about being able to relax (ironic, isn't it?) But God answered that prayer so generously!
Now, 5 hours later, I'm awake. I've been praying for our babies, and for my sweet husband. I am already, so, so blessed. I need to remember that. I have the most amazing husband in the world. And if God desires for us to remain just a family of 2 on this earth, that will be enough for me. Dwelling with my sweet husband within the Will of God is far beyond living outside it with a whole brood of children. May the desires of our hearts be answered only so long as they reside in within the desires of His heart!
On that note about my wonderful hubby, I thank God for another year in my hubby's life and another year of hubby being in my life. We celebrated his birthday on Thanksgiving day. It was his birthday, but those of us in his life are the ones who received the gifts. Happy birthday, sweet Hunny of mine!
I am going to go and attempt to get a little more sleep. Thank you all for checking on us and for the many emails we've received. My bum finger has prevented updates for the past week as typing still hurts and I do it as little as possible (plus, I'm really funny and say goofy things when on mass doses of Vicodin-not that my family knows that from Thanksgiving day or anything ;) ).
We instructed the clinic to thaw one vial of two embryos.
If you are so inclined to join us in prayer and interceded on our behalf, these are our specific requests for the transfer:
•That both embryos survive the thaw
•That if one or both embryos do(es) not survive, the death(s) would be evident beyond a shadow of a doubt, eliminating any "gray areas" and guess work
•That the embryologist and doctor would respect our wishes to transfer any embryos with *any* living cells and not discard what they might think is "questionable" (hence the previous prayer request). Our doctor has not given us any indication to believe that he will not respect our wishes, but the contracts are a bit ambiguous and we know other doctors in other clinics have exploited "gray area" situations.
•That the transfer would go smoothly for me and for the babies and the doctor would be able to clearly see and access everything he needs to
•That the transfer would be successful: we pray specifically that all embryos transferred will burrow in deeply in the correct place, and that we would become pregnant, carry a full-term healthy pregnancy and give birth to (a) healthy child(ren).
•That the physical challenges I am is experiencing from the barrage of medications would lessen
•That we would be able to travel safely to and from Tucson (about 2 hours from here) on Wednesday
•That God would protect us from fear and grant us acceptance of His will, regardless of the outcome of the transfer. We have longed for children for so many years, that between that and last year's miscarriage, it's difficult not to get carried away sometimes with fear and worry.
Thank you very much! We rest in the knowledge that the lives of our babies are in the hands of their Creator, and that He loves them more than we ever could.
I'll leave you with my prayers for God's richest of blessings in your lives and for our one picture from last night. I think we now have half a dozen pictures like this, where the only thing that changes is our clothing but nevertheless, I like it a lot!
Nighty night! Or...good morning!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Rest
Hi everyone,
DH and I have just returned home from one of the best vacations we've ever had.
A few years ago, after DH was working entirely too hard for entirely too many hours, we decided to make it a priority to take a vacation every year. It didn't have to be fancy or extravagant, but we had to carve out a couple of days where our only priority was spending time together-no work, no household duties, nothing--just time together. So we have a little budget category for vacation that we save for.
This year, with the significant change in our income, it was tempting to eliminate that category from the budget all together. But knowing how much that time away refreshes us and draws us closer, we wanted to try to do it if at all possible. But we couldn't take the long-length, long distance trips we've taken the last couple of years.
It so happened that one of our groomsmen from our wedding, who now lives in Michigan, was going to be in San Diego. We wanted to get over to see them (San Diego is much closer and more doable than Michigan) so we decided to roll it in to one trip and do our vacation there. We had to do it on a very tight budget, but it ended up being one of our favorite trips we've taken. And it accomplished its purpose perfectly-we came home rested, closer together, and ready to go back to "real life" again with a renewed energy, direction, and united front.
We got creative so I thought I'd share our tips on how we tried to keep costs to a minimum:
*Picked a destination within driving distance. Gas prices are not at an all time low, but they're certainly more affordable than they've been in recent years. We spent about $100 in gas-much less than 2 round trip air tickets. We do have two free plane tickets, but we're saving those to visit friends later on where we can fly and stay for free.
*Planned our trip for weekdays-hotels are less expensive and attractions are less crowded, maximizing our bang for our buck
*Scoured the internet for days searching for the best rated budget hotel that was off the beaten path, and that offered a refrigerator in room. We found one that was clean, quiet, safe, and well reviewed that was less than 20 minutes from all the places we wanted to go--far enough that we didn't have to pay "convenience" pricing.
*I packed our mini (4 cup crock pot), steel cut oats (79 cents per pound), cinnamon, jam, juice, yogurt, flax seed, clif bars, cans of tunafish, bread, light mayo, relish, string cheese, carrots, fruit, nuts, bottled water, pop and gatorade, rice cakes, and goldfish crackers, along with a sponge, soap, a can opener, a measuring cup, a couple of tupperware containers, plastic bowls and silverware, a dish towel, napkins, ziploc bags and a big cooler. Though the hotel offered a free breakfast, it consisted of coffee and pastries (we called ahead to find out). That lasts about 10 seconds in terms of sustenance and energy, not to mention is full of empty calories. Every night before we went to bed we turned on our little crockpot full of oatmeal and in the morning we had a full, protein rich breakfast of steel cut oats with flax along with fruit and juice. We carried Clif bars with us all the time so we wouldn't need to buy snacks at expensive attraction and beachside shops. We made sandwiches and packed our lunch every morning and put it in the cooler in the car. We'd use the icemaker at the hotel to refill the cooler. All the other groceries stayed in the fridge in the room. We chose Tuna because it's also high protein, and it's very affordable. At the themepark we left it all in the cooler in the car and went out at lunch and ate out front and then reentered the park. We ate tunafish sandwiches on the drive, too-more nutritious than fast food stops, as well as faster since we didn't have to detour anywhere to get it. Though we had high protein meals, we also had some snacks available so if we wanted them, we had them. We didn't have to buy a single beverage, anywhere. That alone saved a ton.
*We scoured the internet for coupons on the attractions we wanted. In the end we decided on Sea World, and I was able to find a coupon code for $15 off admission each if we bought the tickets in advance and printed them at home.
*We did allow ourselves to go out for dinner each night, but we looked up restaurants in advance so we knew the menu and price range and could plan accordingly. We did not allow ourselves to go to restaurants that were any more expensive than something we would choose at home if we were living "normal" life.
*We chose one paid attraction (Sea World) and then filled the rest of the time with free attractions-walking around a beautiful historical hotel, watching Sea World fireworks another night from a neighboring parking lot, visiting the beach, playing card games, swimming in the hotel pool, etc, etc.
Overall, we had a wonderful, relaxing, refreshing time at a fraction of the cost of the vacations we've taken previously. Just because we couldn't go "all out" didn't mean we couldn't make some great memories. And hey, who else can say they travel with their crockpot?
The color in these looks funky-not sure why. These, and other pics, are also on my FB page and they look fine there. If you're my FB friend, look them up there!
Before our trip, our best friends were here from Chicago. It was bittersweet because they were here to clean out their house and move their stuff because their house here finally sold and they finally got a home in Chicago so they no longer need to live in limbo. This really cemented the move and removed the possibility of returning to live in at least the near future, which was tough for me and K, especially. I think the guys came to terms with it a long time ago. But in any case it gave us an excuse to have 2 weeks with them, which was great.
Visiting this great little homemade ice cream sandwiches shop--definitely not diet friendly, but very fun...
Lastly, our embryos arrived safely yesterday in Tucson, meaning we are forever done with the awful clinic here. It's a huge sigh of relief to know that neither me or my children are in their (incompetent) "care." We're still proceeding full speed ahead with plans for a November-ish transfer and this was the last detail to take care of. Now all we have to do is wait!
Thanks for checking in. I pray you all are well!
DH and I have just returned home from one of the best vacations we've ever had.
A few years ago, after DH was working entirely too hard for entirely too many hours, we decided to make it a priority to take a vacation every year. It didn't have to be fancy or extravagant, but we had to carve out a couple of days where our only priority was spending time together-no work, no household duties, nothing--just time together. So we have a little budget category for vacation that we save for.
This year, with the significant change in our income, it was tempting to eliminate that category from the budget all together. But knowing how much that time away refreshes us and draws us closer, we wanted to try to do it if at all possible. But we couldn't take the long-length, long distance trips we've taken the last couple of years.
It so happened that one of our groomsmen from our wedding, who now lives in Michigan, was going to be in San Diego. We wanted to get over to see them (San Diego is much closer and more doable than Michigan) so we decided to roll it in to one trip and do our vacation there. We had to do it on a very tight budget, but it ended up being one of our favorite trips we've taken. And it accomplished its purpose perfectly-we came home rested, closer together, and ready to go back to "real life" again with a renewed energy, direction, and united front.
We got creative so I thought I'd share our tips on how we tried to keep costs to a minimum:
*Picked a destination within driving distance. Gas prices are not at an all time low, but they're certainly more affordable than they've been in recent years. We spent about $100 in gas-much less than 2 round trip air tickets. We do have two free plane tickets, but we're saving those to visit friends later on where we can fly and stay for free.
*Planned our trip for weekdays-hotels are less expensive and attractions are less crowded, maximizing our bang for our buck
*Scoured the internet for days searching for the best rated budget hotel that was off the beaten path, and that offered a refrigerator in room. We found one that was clean, quiet, safe, and well reviewed that was less than 20 minutes from all the places we wanted to go--far enough that we didn't have to pay "convenience" pricing.
*I packed our mini (4 cup crock pot), steel cut oats (79 cents per pound), cinnamon, jam, juice, yogurt, flax seed, clif bars, cans of tunafish, bread, light mayo, relish, string cheese, carrots, fruit, nuts, bottled water, pop and gatorade, rice cakes, and goldfish crackers, along with a sponge, soap, a can opener, a measuring cup, a couple of tupperware containers, plastic bowls and silverware, a dish towel, napkins, ziploc bags and a big cooler. Though the hotel offered a free breakfast, it consisted of coffee and pastries (we called ahead to find out). That lasts about 10 seconds in terms of sustenance and energy, not to mention is full of empty calories. Every night before we went to bed we turned on our little crockpot full of oatmeal and in the morning we had a full, protein rich breakfast of steel cut oats with flax along with fruit and juice. We carried Clif bars with us all the time so we wouldn't need to buy snacks at expensive attraction and beachside shops. We made sandwiches and packed our lunch every morning and put it in the cooler in the car. We'd use the icemaker at the hotel to refill the cooler. All the other groceries stayed in the fridge in the room. We chose Tuna because it's also high protein, and it's very affordable. At the themepark we left it all in the cooler in the car and went out at lunch and ate out front and then reentered the park. We ate tunafish sandwiches on the drive, too-more nutritious than fast food stops, as well as faster since we didn't have to detour anywhere to get it. Though we had high protein meals, we also had some snacks available so if we wanted them, we had them. We didn't have to buy a single beverage, anywhere. That alone saved a ton.
*We scoured the internet for coupons on the attractions we wanted. In the end we decided on Sea World, and I was able to find a coupon code for $15 off admission each if we bought the tickets in advance and printed them at home.
*We did allow ourselves to go out for dinner each night, but we looked up restaurants in advance so we knew the menu and price range and could plan accordingly. We did not allow ourselves to go to restaurants that were any more expensive than something we would choose at home if we were living "normal" life.
*We chose one paid attraction (Sea World) and then filled the rest of the time with free attractions-walking around a beautiful historical hotel, watching Sea World fireworks another night from a neighboring parking lot, visiting the beach, playing card games, swimming in the hotel pool, etc, etc.
Overall, we had a wonderful, relaxing, refreshing time at a fraction of the cost of the vacations we've taken previously. Just because we couldn't go "all out" didn't mean we couldn't make some great memories. And hey, who else can say they travel with their crockpot?
The color in these looks funky-not sure why. These, and other pics, are also on my FB page and they look fine there. If you're my FB friend, look them up there!
Before our trip, our best friends were here from Chicago. It was bittersweet because they were here to clean out their house and move their stuff because their house here finally sold and they finally got a home in Chicago so they no longer need to live in limbo. This really cemented the move and removed the possibility of returning to live in at least the near future, which was tough for me and K, especially. I think the guys came to terms with it a long time ago. But in any case it gave us an excuse to have 2 weeks with them, which was great.
Visiting this great little homemade ice cream sandwiches shop--definitely not diet friendly, but very fun...
Lastly, our embryos arrived safely yesterday in Tucson, meaning we are forever done with the awful clinic here. It's a huge sigh of relief to know that neither me or my children are in their (incompetent) "care." We're still proceeding full speed ahead with plans for a November-ish transfer and this was the last detail to take care of. Now all we have to do is wait!
Thanks for checking in. I pray you all are well!
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