Respite and Contentment!

DH and I just returned from a wonderful weekend away in Flagstaff, AZ, which is a town about 160 miles north of here. We went up for our church Women's Retreat. Yes, you read that correctly. *We* went to the Women's Retreat...kind of.

Two of the ladies who coordinated it are dear friends of mine. They'd been encouraging me to go for a long time. I finally told them that I just didn't feel comfortable going and having a roommate, who I knew would have to hear me barf, be interrupted by my constant bathroom trips in the middle of the night, or be inconvenienced if I wanted to nap mid-day. I also said that I didn't feel comfortable making the long, remote drive alone, knowing that I'd potentially be pulling over to the side of the road frequently to be sick, but that I also really didn't want to carpool or ride in the church van and have anyone else have to put up with that. Our 5 hour drive to San Diego took us 8 with all my stops, so I knew a 3-4 hour drive could easily be much longer, and I didn't think that was fair to anyone else, especially for a *relaxing* weekend. So I politely declined and wished them a nice trip.

They came back to me and said that when they booked the hotel, they'd committed to having 20 women there, so they were paying for meals and rooms for 20, but didn't have that many signed up to come. Since they were going to pay anyway, they said I could have my own room. Then they said that if I was going to room alone, I might as well bring DH, and that would solve the driving issue, too. It was way out of my comfort zone to be going, but the way was paved so smoothly, that I decided to go!

I am so, so glad I did. I truly enjoyed respite.

We left Friday at lunch time and just took our time getting there. We stopped as often as I needed to, and DH drove while I lay down when I needed to. My father in law loaned us his SUV, which is much nicer and rides more smoothly than our vehicle. Climbing the altitude would have been sort of Fred-Flinstone-ish in our car, so I was grateful too for his generosity, because I think I did as well as I did on the long drive largely due to the vehicle.

We got to the hotel and took a little rest, and then went out for a date-night dinner before the retreat began. Flagstaff is just lovely-it's small and quaint, and surrounded by the natural beauty of forest and wildlife. After dinner, I ditched DH for prettier ;) company, and enjoyed the first session at the retreat while he had some nice alone time.

The next morning, I was really sick. I was able to make it through one morning session, but I missed the other, most of lunch, and all the free time. I was frustrated, but I found the timing to be testing, considering that the theme of the weekend was "contentment."

Meanwhile, DH had fun going out and scouting the town, touring Old Route 66, reading, resting. He does so little for his own rest and enjoyment that I was really grateful for him that he had that opportunity. And the ladies were so sweet. They had given each of us gals a goodie bag with snacks, fuzzy socks, and a journal for the retreat. They made a bag for him too-complete with a Nerf Gun and mini Nerf gun for him and baby Matthew, the book "Bringing Up Boys" by James Dobson, and his own manly comfy socks. The ladies really just went out of their way to bless DH and I both.

After sleeping much of Saturday, I was able to rejoin for Saturday evening's dinner, the evening teaching session, and games afterward.

This morning, I felt really pretty good and was able to participate in the worship session and the final teaching session, as well as the end sharing time.

DH was in and out--he drove another lady and I to and from our room when the walk got too long. He had meals with us, and he helped load the van this morning. People tell me what a sweetie he is--of course I know it already. I'm just glad I was smart enough to marry him!

After the retreat ended this morning, DH and I went for a walk in the woods around the hotel. I had been wanting to do it all weekend but hadn't felt well enough to. It was so peaceful and lovely. We took the opportunity to use my nifty little remote and take a picture of the 3 of us--something we hadn't done since our trip to San Diego when I was still in the first trimester.




DH did this after I had pushed "click" on the remote timer. Isn't he sweet?


Then we got in the car and drove to Sedona. I'd also never been there, though our state is famous for it.

Sedona is nice enough, but the canyon you have to drive through to get between the two towns is one of the most beautiful places I have *ever* seen. I've never seen anything like it. The mountains were unlike any I've ever seen--rocky and imposing, but still covered in trees. There was water in the canyon and the trees hadn't gone completely barren yet so there was still a lot of green, red and yellow just EVERYWHERE the eye could see. I tried to take a photo but I couldn't do it justice. But coming around the bend and just looking down into this gorgeous valley just takes your breath away. I literally gasped when we came around the corner, and not just because we were near the edge of a perilous cliff ;) Several times, I asked DH to either slow down or pull over, just so we could enjoy it. And we did! It was wonderful to just have the freedom to do that. I've way way WAY over-saturated these in photoshop just to try to give you an idea of how beautiful and rich the color is in real life. I wish I could have done this place justice--you'll just have to go see for yourself!






We eventually made it to Sedona, which was beautiful in its own right. Though I preferred the lushness of the canyon, Sedona's majestic red desert mountains are pretty incredible, too. We wandered the town for a little while and ate out on the patio at this darling little restaurant. We played "identify that mountain" along with a little map that told us all their different names, but all we determined is that we're really bad at that game.

Sedona actually kind of made me sad. The town is a virtual epicenter for all things spiritual and self-aware, but pretty anti-God. Everywhere you turn you can get a palm reading or a psychic consultation, or a moon crystal or some other man-made way to heighten your sense of spiritual or self-awareness. Many believe that there is some sort of power in the rocks and mountains. I couldn't help but feel sad that here these people are in what is quite possibly one of the most beautiful places on this earth, and they can't see past the creation to the Creator. It was hard for me to grasp how people could see a place so beautiful, and NOT wonder about Him whose handiwork it is.

We went up to Church of the Holy Cross, which was also sort of sad. It was originally a place of worship, but now is just a tourist trap. People go up to see this beautiful place designed to worship God, and on their way out, leave various remnants of their own spirituality in the form of lucky coins and charms, etc. I didn't even feel comfortable going inside the chapel, but the park around it did afford some beautiful vistas.

DH took these-didn't he do a nice job?








Then we decided to head home and said goodbye to the beautiful scenery. When I was at the chiropractor last week, I noticed a flyer for a WWII airplane display. DH and I had briefly talked about stopping there on our way home tonight, but we'd forgotten completely about it. Just as we were driving past the freeway exit for it, one of the planes on display flew right over our heads. So, we jumped off the freeway and headed to the airport. There were 3 on display-a B17 Bomber, a B25 Bomber and a B29 Bomber. We got to go inside the B17 (well I could only go in the rear because baby Matthew and I couldn't climb up to or fit into the front!), and see the B25 and B29 in flight--that was SO cool! I'm so grateful that we still have people willing to invest the time in preserving these planes and the legacy of the men who flew them.





Then we finally headed home, where we've just been relaxing all evening. We were just saying what a treat it was to have no agenda today--to just say "hey, let's do this!" and then actually do it. Usually one of two things derails us--busyness, or tiredness. Often when we get a free day, we want to spend it napping--but today was so much more restful than sleeping usually is! We both resolved we'll try to do this more often! And quality time with my sweet DH fills my love-cup faster than anything else a human being can do, so I always just drink that time up so deeply.

So anyway, it was truly just restful in every sense of the word. The hotel was just lovely. The surroundings were serene. The company was wonderful. The teaching was challenging. The pace was gentle. It was just lovely.

Back to the retreat. The theme was contentment. I really was challenged in a lot of areas. I'm honestly still processing, but I wanted to share some things that really struck a chord with me.

She cited this book from the 1600s, in which the author describes contentment as:

The inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit, freely submitting to and taking pleasure in God's disposal in every condition.

I really liked that definition. She went through and unpacked each word. Quiet was the hardest one for me to wrap my head around. It doesn't mean not feeling something, not bringing your complaint to God, or even not sharing it with your friends. But it is marked by an absence of grumbling, pining, vexing, etc. I really have been noodling on the difference between sincere lamentation and honesty with God, and just grumbling. I know I've been camping more in the grumbling department these last months, so I'm really trying to decide what/where the difference lies and how to make my heart and weakness known to God and to be authentic, but to not get sucked in by it.

She also dissected the "in every condition" to specify every type or kind of condition/affliction, every timing and duration of a condition/affliction, and every variety of or change in a condition/affliction. I really appreciated that because I think when I've considered that before, I've really only thought about the type/kind.

A lot of times over our journey of infertility, I thought about what I was missing out on, and what I'd lost or potentially lose. And I won't lie. That pain is real and deep and hard and I don't mean to minimize it at all. But she said something that I wish I'd better understood at that time:

God is the giver of goodness. The thing we desire is NOT what holds or gives the goodness associated with said goal. Therefore, He can also give that same goodness in the absence of whatever it is we desire, and specifically in coming to a place of being content in that absence.

She challenged us that it's not enough to have ____________. You must cling to the God of ___________. Put in whatever you want in that blank--health, life, riches, family, provision, security, etc.

I think I have learned a lot of that over the last 6 years, but I think I also forgot a lot of it over the last 7 months. This stupid sickness has allowed in more fear and worry and weakness and bitterness and whining than anything has in a long time. How quickly so many years of God's toiling in my heart have been undone. Don't get me wrong. It really stinks to be so sick. It's hard in every way. But I think for 7 months, I've just stopped at "this is hard!!" She even gave a list of excuses we use to wallow in our discontent. Of the 10, two really stuck out to me as a "hello, Jen! This is for you!"

"You just don't know how bad it is." Well, that's true. You probably don't. I have to ask myself, so what? That doesn't give me an excuse.

"But I worked so hard and now THIS!" Ha! after 6 years of infertility, I definitely felt entitled for SOME part of this to go easily. But really--what am I basing that on? Some kind of "fairness?" If life was about what was fair, I'd be bound for or already burning in Hell.

Another thing Dora said this weekend was that God knows the best medicines for the specific diseases of our heart.

For whatever reason, physical affliction seems to be God's best medicine for me right now. And I've just refused to see this as an opportunity for spiritual growth. I've been so focused on survival, that I didn't really see that this could actually be for my nourishment. Honestly, I don't know that I could tell you right now what puking a kazillion times a day is designed to do for my spiritual health. But, by God's grace, I'm determined to find out. I really appreciated her challenge.

She left us with 6 questions that I'll share here because I think that they're appropriate for all of us, no matter where we are in our spiritual walk or what our bone of discontentment is:

She asked the question, "Are you satisfied with God?" And then specifically she said:

•Are you satisfied with Who He is?
•Are you satisfied with what He is like?
•Are you satisfied with how He does things, both globally and in your life specifically?
•Are you satisfied with where He is?
•Are you satisfied with when He does things?
•Are you satisfied with why He does things the way He does?

I think most of us could answer several of those questions in the affirmative. And I think we could even answer the general "are you satisfied with God?" question with a "yes." But when she really broke it down into those specifics, I was a little more hard pressed to say that I can say "yes" all the time.

So, I have a LOT to noodle on. A lot I've been convicted on. It was particularly funny as I was puking my guts out Saturday morning to think, "Ha! See how content you are with THIS!" Talk about application! There was a lot I've been challenged to just think more on. Even some things she said I didn't quite agree with, but they still challenged me to better define my own thoughts on the subject. In addition to the teaching, we had some wonderful worship and fellowship at all with such sweet ladies from my church. I really just love our church family so much and it was nice to be away and enjoy the fellowship after some of the struggles I've had recently with my roles at church. It was definitely where I needed to be this weekend, and God just made the way so smooth for me to be able to be there. I'm just so grateful.

I really need to go to bed but I really don't want this weekend to be over. I can't remember when I've had a weekend that was both so fruitful and so restful at the same time. I know I received a precious gift this weekend. Thank you God, and to you ladies He used to give it to us.

I guess I'll close with one last picture....29 weeks! Forgive the hair...Flagstaff made it...um...big! :)


I'll catch up on all y'alls blogs early this week! Thanks for checking in on mine and I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

3 Day Reprieve!

I have a huge, huge praise!







I haven't been sick since WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!! Wednesday (or maybe it was Tuesday) was a really bad day. Thursday, I was tired, but nothing more. Friday, I actually felt NORMAL. I can't believe it! I worked in the morning and then ran some errands and then came home to take a nap so that I could go to a wedding last night. But I wasn't even tired enough to sleep. And then I went to the wedding, where I just hoped to be able to make it through the ceremony. I made it through the entire thing! And I ate, and talked, and danced, and I didn't once have to run flying for the bathroom! It was a WONDERFUL night. And it was so refreshing for my spirit-I got to spend time with friends, I hung out with Krista and the kids and DH, I ate REAL food (even chicken-something that's been off limits for almost the entire pregnancy!) and we left when we wanted to! instead of when my tummy said I had to! It was so nice! It's the longest I've been away from the house in weeks, and the most amount of social interaction I've had, either. It was so wonderful!

And then today, I expected to feel like garbage as payment for the exertion yesterday. I was exhausted and napped a good long while, and I was a tiny bit queasy, but a Zofran and a Zantac took care of everything and I was able to enjoy the day with DH!

I have to pace myself and keep reminding myself that the REASON I feel so good is probably because I've been sleeping so much, so that's not license to return to "normal" life. If I take away the naptimes, I'll probably add back in the sickness, but it's been SUCH a treat to feel so NORMAL!

Third trimester decided to show up a little early with this kick-your-butt fatigue. In my first trimester, I was physically tired from vomiting and low nutrition, but not the "I'm growing another person inside of me" sort of exhaustion I'd always heard about. MAN! This is like a special kind of tired! But I actually don't mind it. I love the extra rest, the extra fatigue seems to help me sleep harder, the extra rest helps my NVP, and it's nice to have a "normal" pregnancy symptom, too! It's sort of funny to be THIS tired.

I honestly don't know or remember if I've had this many good days in a row through the entire pregnancy! I don't know how long this will last but I'm praying that it's a long time, and I'm praising God for it in the mean time! THANK YOU for praying with us! This break has given me much restoration!

Small Update

Well, the update is that I don't really have one. I won't get my blood test results until Friday.

I still measured big so the doctor wants to do a growth scan, but is still very evasive when I ask him what he's looking for or concerned about. I asked him and he just said "Don't worry about it." I think it was a double--"really, don't worry" and a "stop asking so many questions." It's just odd. The way this doctor communicates is so weird-I don't have him nailed down yet. The only thing we've decided is that we will probably find a new practitioner next time around because we just can't seem to get on the same page with him. It bums me out because I really do LIKE him, and we know we're on the same page fundamentally. And I LOVE his nurse. LOVE her. But I just think this arrangement is frustrating for everyone involved.

Anyway, the ultrasound will be on Monday, when I am 27 weeks. The good news is that I was less big yesterday than I was at the last appointment so the disparity between Matthew's gestational age and my measurements is closing. I can only assume that's good news?

I did get clearance to continue with the various "experiments" I've been doing with the OTC meds I mentioned a couple posts back in dealing with NVP. I hadn't called him for permission when I started them (I did check with the FDA though and the drugs are safe for pregnancy) and he agreed that my plan was good, and that I could continue even more aggressively than I have been. He did say "those things should really help you" and I was only wishing he had thought to suggest them, many months ago! But thank you, bloggyland friends for all your help!!

We met with a doula yesterday. We're evaluating if we think it would be a good fit and help for us. She's still in training so her services would be free--a win win for both of us. She gets practice, and we get her help.

Ok, I have a question for those of you who have undergone EA, or even "just" IVF (I'll explain the "just" in a minute). My doctor is a very conservative Catholic. He objects to IVF, and is on the fence about EA. I do know that I am his first/only EA patient, and am possibly his first/only FET patient because he doesn't recommend/refer ARTs. With increasing frequency, he is cautioning me of things and/or explaining away some of my problems with either how the baby came to exist in me (FET), and/or the fact that the baby is not genetically related to me. Some of the problems are "just" FET, and other things he seems to think are a double whammy because I had FET AND the baby is not related to me. So far he's told me that I'm at greater risk for Gestational Diabetes, Preclampsia, Preterm Labor and a C-Section, all due to one or both of those reasons. He's also labeled me "high risk" for the same reasons. I had both of the Level 2 Ultrasounds because he said the risk that something would be wrong with the baby was higher because of the FET/EA, too. At the beginning, he said my risk for miscarriage was higher as a result.

Have any of you ever been told any of those things? I know that some of the things are true, like the miscarriage risk. And my risks for some of those things is elevated for other reasons (like GD because of my weight and PCOS), but I just can't believe that I'm the ticking time bomb that he's starting to make me feel like I am. I just wonder how much is his personal bias against the procedures to begin with, how much is his own unfamiliarity/inexperience with a pregnancy that came about in this way, and how much is actual medical fact. Please understand, I don't suspect him of willful dishonesty at all. Despite our frustrations with him, the reason we have stayed with him so long is because he is of utmost integrity and commitment to the sanctity of life. But I just wonder if maybe some of the things he is saying come from a moral/religious standpoint, rather than a medical one, perhaps even without him realizing it. We've had that challenge with him in the past, too.

So anyway, do any of you out there who were pregnant through FET (whether with your own DNA or not) have any insight?

I'll post more when I have updates but in the meantime, thanks for your prayers. Tummy is pretty unhappy, so the pup and I are off back to bed!

My very limited HG tips and some pictures

I don't have much of an update. Still sick, though not as bad as last week. Diana posted on her blog last week on my behalf, asking for some other suggestions of things for me to try. There were a couple of things that I've tried that seem to be helping. I've also discovered a few things on my own. I thought I'd post them here in case anyone else can benefit from them. So, if you don't care about HG helps, stop reading now.

Diana suggested drinking Boost (like the Old Person shakes). It's really pretty much sugar and water, but it is fortified with protein and some small portions of vitamins and minerals. Some days, it's the only protein I can keep down, and one little bottle has 15grams, so it's worth it. It doesn't taste too badly, either.

Today the Pharmacist suggested gummy vitamins. I don't know why I didn't think of that. They're certainly better than nothing, and I can space them out. My prenatal vitamins were too hard on me and I continually threw them up, but so far, the gummies seem to be working. The pharmacist suggested that the sugar in them might be part of what's helping. If these don't work, I'll try the little kid ones, which are even less potent.

Diana's blog buddy suggested Zantac 75 to suppress stomach acid. It's a Class B drug so I felt comfortable taking it. I've found that it works much better than Tums. I still take Tums at bedtime for the calcium--some googling I did said that Zantac and Tums can cancel each other out if you take them simultaneously, so watch for that. I've found that the Zantac has made the single biggest difference so far. She also suggested Prilosec, but it's a Class C and I wasn't comfortable with risks. Check with your doctor or midwife before taking anything.

The other big suggestion was basically just easing the work load on my whole system. So what I've been experimenting with the last few days is taking 2 Colace every day (not just when I feel I need it because that's usually too late), the Zantac, and my Zofran. I also try to drink a lot of water because it suppresses the acid production (my Chiro told me that).

I've also taken to skipping lunch and drinking either a fruit smoothie or a Boost or something. I found that when I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner, by dessert time, I was miserable. I also found that when things...ahem...backed up intestinally, my vomiting would increase, hence the Colace. My body just seems to not be able to process food that quickly. I'm too hungry to skip lunch altogether but consuming it in liquid form seems to tax my system less. I also try to eat REALLY slowly, and chew my food excessively. I also stick to really simple foods--fruit, simple carbs, and other things that are very easy to break down.

Baby sits transversely, right on my tummy and intestines. In most pregnancies, baby would have moved north by now, but he still seems to LOVE hanging out way down there. So I'm purely hypothesizing, but I think the fact that he's still sitting on those organs is why I continue to have such a hard time this late in pregnancy. He's sitting on a system that's already working slowly because of his very existence. Then he hinders it farther, so the food just gives up and comes back up. My chiropractor thought there could be some validity to this. On the flipside, I don't have the difficulty breathing and the kicks to the ribs, which is just fine with me.

I've noticed two huge non-diet factors that affect me: heat and fatigue. If I do more than about 2 hours of activity--any activity, even light things like walking, by the end of that day, I'm really bad. So I just need to be really disciplined about not overdoing it, especially when I feel "good" and want to make up for lost time. And if I'm behind on sleep, I have to make it a priority to sleep or nap immediately. The more tired I am, the worse I vomit. I nap at length, every single day. The dog loves it! :D

Heat is like kryptonite. I don't know why, but the second I get overheated, I'm done. I just have to pay super close attention to my environment and sit near fans or air conditioners, move slowly, etc.

So I've been trying to concentrate on these things this week. I'm still sick every day, but less frequently and less forcefully. Today was a pretty bad day, but Monday and Tuesday were bearable.

So anyway, those are just some things I've been playing around with and that you may try if you're having a rough time--or you may have already tried them. I'm reading a few books, too, which will hopefully give me some other ideas.

I had to run a couple of errands yesterday and since I was too sick on Sunday to get up and out, we didn't take a picture. So yesterday I put some makeup on and dressed a little more nicely and took a picture, not knowing again this week when I'd feel up to it! (A shower, clean, matching clothes, and makeup all happening on the same day is a rarity these days :D )

So here's 25 weeks. I feel like my belly changed overnight. I'm definitely feeling it in the way I move and walk now.


And lastly, our first "baby." This is Lewis. He HATES the camera. HATES it. He absolutely refuses to look at you when you have it out. He'll turn his back, walk away, hide his head, whatever he can do. DH was trying to take his picture and Lewis wouldn't look at him. I went behind DH and called Lewis and he looked up. We thought we'd fooled him, until we saw the picture. This makes me giggle every time I look at it. Hope it makes you smile.

Thank you

Thank you, friends.

Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for not telling me to try lemons, or ginger, or Unisom. Thank you for not minimizing my frustration or telling me to get over it. And thank you for the words of wisdom and encouragement. I really appreciate it.

I'm still feeling pretty sick, but mentally I'm a little better.

We go to a little church that only has about 100 people. One of the things I LOVE about a little church is that you can really know your Pastor. A Pastor's job as shepherd is far more important to me than his job as preacher. And my pastor is one of the most gifted shepherds I know. I was there yesterday and poked my head in his office. He asked how I was and the tears just started coming. He immediately had me sit down and we talked. I love that I don't have to make an appointment, or go through 3 secretaries to be able to talk to him.

I'm going to share what he told me so I can re-read it when I need it, but also so that other women who are going through this can take to heart what he said and consider them in terms of their own pregnancies. These things really encouraged me and challenged me. I thought they were constructive and insightful. In retrospect, they're all pretty obvious things, but I really needed to hear them yesterday. I was just so deep in frustration and pain that I couldn't really think clearly.

1. I am Matthew's only mommy. Everyone else can help with the dishes, my job, the chores, whatever, but I am the only one who can be his mommy, and carry him at this point. If that's the ONLY job I can do right now, that's enough. This was particularly helpful for me as I struggle with feeling pretty useless right now.

2. God knew all of this would happen, and He still chose me to be mom to Matthew. So while I think there could be a better situation out there for Matthew with a mommy who is not so sick and can give better care to him in-utero, there isn't. God knew this is exactly what both I and Matthew would get, and put us together anyway.

3. I have the luxury of worrying about the kind of food I'm eating. Many other people don't. Additionally, many other babies are born to moms with addiction problems, eating disorders, other health problems, etc. So while my situation is not "ideal" for him, it's far better than the situation afforded to many other children.

4. Matthew already has what matters: parents who love the Lord, who love each other, and who love him, and a multitude of friends and family who already love him. Everything else is secondary. On the flipside, there are babies whose mommies have 100% healthy pregnancies, but who don't have those things. Matthew is already blessed with the things that matter.

5. Just as I can't go back and change the past, I can't focus on the future, either. A few of you also pointed out that I can't really be thinking about the future babies while I'm so exhausted and hormonal and sick. God gives me enough grace to get through today. Tomorrow will have its own measure of grace and when it comes time to make those decisions, He will provide what we need.

6. Most of the things I was sharing are rooted in either guilt or fear, the two things that most frequently and strongly take hold in my heart. So I already struggle with those things, even when I'm feeling well. So I need to recognize that propensity and how much stronger it is when I'm feeling weak. Additionally, those two things both have strong physiological effects, so struggling with them could very likely be contributing to the severity of how I'm feeling. Undoubtedly a lot of it is purely physical, but the psychological element can't be helping. He encouraged me to pray specifically about fear, rather than about the physical illness.

So anyway, those, in addition to the things you all shared with me, are what I'm noodling on. I really appreciate how gentle and constructive you each were. You've really blessed me, and continue to do so with your prayers.

Love to you all...

Middle of the Night Whining

Warning: This post is very Debbie-downer. I have to get these thoughts out of my head. It contains my frustrations with pregnancy, which I know may be hard for some of you who are dreaming of being pregnant. Please feel free to stop reading now. I don't want this to hurt or offend anyone.

It's 1:30 am and I've just finished vomiting, again. I've been sick all evening. I was sick most of yesterday too. Sunday was awful. So was last Thursday. And most of the days for the last 2 weeks. For whatever reason, my NVP is increasing in frequency again. Most days, I lose count of how many times I vomit. And once it starts, it doesn't stop until my stomach is completely empty and I am throwing up bile or dry heaving.

I know I complain about this often and you all are probably sick (get it??) of hearing about it, but I'm just overwhelmed with this. I physically ache from vomiting so often. My throat hurts, my esophagus hurts, my abs hurt, my mouth hurts, my gums and teeth are bothering me (from all the stomach acid). I finish an episode and I literally just lie there panting and exhausted. I physically feel hungry all the time.

My house is in absolute shambles. Today I couldn't even finish folding a couple of loads of laundry before I had to lie down again. I'm in this constant state of eat, throw-up, sleep, over and over again. It's maddening. I can't keep up with my life, so I end up feeling pathetic and useless. Any exertion costs me for days in recuperation. I can't exercise or eat properly, and my sleep schedule is really messed up from all the napping, so while I sleep all the time, it's in weird increments and combined with the physical exertion of vomiting, I'm still tired all the time.

Extreme NVP, or Hyperemisis Gravidarum, or whatever it is I have is so frustrating, because everybody thinks they know what it's like. I don't know how to politely say this: this isn't your mother's morning sickness. It's probably not even your morning sickness. Honestly, I've only known 1 woman who has been THIS sick. But because everyone thinks it's "just" morning sickness, I've received endless suggestions and comments about how if I just try ginger, or peppermint, or sea bands, or saltines, it will all be better. Or if I just wait til X amount of weeks, it will magically go away. I've tried all that. I have. And it doesn't work. Neither do the 4 prescriptions I've been on. This isn't just a little case of pregnancy tummy upset.

There are the people who try to commiserate with me by sharing about that one time they almost got sick, or those 3-4 weeks they vomited every other day, or how for their first trimester, they were nauseated several hours a day, but honestly, it usually just makes me feel jealous. It reminds me that this could be easier, and for many it is, but in this case, it just isn't.

Then the people who think it's "just" morning sickness think that I'm overreacting and complaining about something every woman has to go through. Honestly, if every pregnant woman had to go through this, I think the human race would become extinct. I happened to be speaking to someone yesterday just after one of my episodes, and they could hear how exhausted I was. Though this person has known I've been sick, they truly sounded surprised at the extremeness. I wondered what she thought I'd been talking about these last 6 months.

There are the people who try to say things like "well, in a way I'm glad you're sick because it's a reminder that you're still pregnant." Or, "just be grateful for the reason you're sick." Of COURSE I'm grateful for Matthew and I thank God for every day he's with me, but that doesn't mean I can't just be really really tired of the physical toll this is taking on me.

And I just want to scream! Believe me. I have heard it all. I have tried everything. I guess I don't want another old wives tale or trick or an admonishment to get over it. I don't want anyone else to try and fix me. If God won't and neither my doctor or I CAN, I'm pretty sure no one else can either. I just want to feel better and I feel utterly helpless to make that happen.

Then there are the darker thoughts that I really don't know what to do with.

There's the guilt I feel for uttering one word of complaint after trying and praying for this for 6 years. After other people are still waiting. After others have buried their children and would kill to be sick if it meant they got to have their babies back.

I worry so much about Matthew. I worry about the fact that I can only get *maybe* a half a cup or a cup of fruits and vegetables down per week. I worry that one of the things that actually helps me on occasion is a Coca Cola, which is full of caffeine and sugar. I worry about the fact that I'm not exercising, both for what it means for me and Matthew, and what it means for an increase in difficulty in labor. I worry about the fact that I lost another 2 pounds this week, putting me back at a net 0 weight change. I should have gained 8-12 pounds by now. I worry that I'm setting him up to be deficient in some thing--or many things. I worry about the 4 medications I've tried and the fact that I continue to take one of them very regularly. It's assumed to be safe, but no dedicated studies have been done because frankly, no pregnant woman wants to be a guinea pig. So I just have to hope and pray that it really is safe, and that between the medication or not eating at all, the medication is the "safer" bet. But I could be wrong. I know no amount of worrying will change what is already ordained from him but I can't escape this overwhelming guilt.

And harder than that are the thoughts I have about my 6 babies still frozen. I love them with my whole heart. I've believed from the beginning that they are ours, were always ours--that God chose them for us and us for them. I love them as much as I do my 5 already in Heaven and their brother on the way. But honestly, I don't know how I can do this again. And that scares me. I don't know how to face this again, but I don't know how to face any other decision, either. I'm ashamed to say that some days I think about whether or not we'll have to allow someone else to adopt them. What kind of mother am I that I would even consider such a thing over something as small as vomiting? I HATE that my thoughts even go there, but some days, they can't not.

Between DH and I, the only reproductive organ that works right is my uterus, which is the only one you need for EA. I've always taken that, and many other things, as sure direction from God that EA was what He had for us. I HATE that EA is treated like a fertility treatment. I believe that it is a calling to save little lives and I believe that He gave that calling to us. It's so maddening to have that conviction, but to have your body fail you. I wonder-did we get it wrong? Did we misunderstand? And if we were right, why is this particular roadblock not being removed? I resent that I can't look back on this time with pleasure and fondness.

I don't know what to do with all these thoughts. I don't know how to get out from under the physical exhaustion. I don't know how to admit and recognize the thoughts and then leave them at the foot of the cross. I don't know how to stop feeling guilt or worry, even though I know both are sins. I pray for relief from this, but honestly, it's half-hearted at times because I just expect it to continue.

So I don't know. I guess I hoped by actually writing all of this down, I could get it out of my head and abandon some of it. I desperately covet your prayers either for physical relief, or grace to deal with these thoughts and emotions. Thanks for reading. I'm sorry I'm so whiney. I hope you can be patient with me.