It's been such an emotional several weeks. Matthew has been able to meet his godmother, his aunt, uncle and cousins, and we have enjoyed spending time with so many loved ones.
Tomorrow, Beau and Sheila, Matthew's genetic parents, arrive here in our home to spend a few hours meeting Matthew. As much as I strongly support and am committed to open adoption (for my thoughts on why, click here), this is hard. Harder than I thought it would be.
Sheila first wrote and asked shortly after Matthew was born if they could come meet him. We always knew and agreed that they WOULD meet, so her question was about timing, not overall permission. At that time, I was so tired and hormonal that I really wanted to say no. I knew that my fatigue and hormones were talking so I told her I needed time, and she agreed.
Even though Beau and Sheila have never, ever, once given me reason to feel territorial, there was a part of me that when they asked screamed out, "No! He's my baby!!" Truthfully, a little part of me still does. And I guess that surprised me, because I know there's absolutely no threat or danger with them that they would have an inappropriate connection or response to him. But my blog has always been about showing the truth of Embryo Adoption, even the hard stuff, so there it is.
Once in a while I even have a nightmare-if they kidnapped him and the police did a DNA test, he would match them! How would I prove that he's really my son?? (I don't think Beau and Sheila are kidnappers-this just demonstrates the hold fear can so easily take on my heart!)
Plus, they're coming to our home. So I sort of feel like I'll be under inspection, and since I'm a pretty mediocre homemaker, that sends my stress level very high. Again, they've never given me reason to feel threatened, and the only reason that we're meeting in our home is that it's just the most practical place since they're traveling from far and anywhere public wouldn't permit us to stay more than an hour or two, and even if they would, Matthew wouldn't tolerate it.
Nightlight recently changed their contract to say that genetic parents can revoke the rights of the adoptive parents to any remaining untransferred embryos, so long as they provide 30 days notice. This really bothered DH and I on a lot of levels. Again, let me be so clear in saying that Beau and Sheila have NEVER given us reason to feel threatened, and we don't have any concern that they actually will revoke our rights and "reclaim" the remaining 6 embryos. But just the knowledge that they COULD, if we signed this contract, bothered us. We told Nightlight our concerns, and they agreed to let us sign a different document that eliminates that provision. I do hope they'll eliminate it for all clients. I think it undermines the treatment of this whole arrangement as an adoption. You can't just "reclaim" a born child years later (barring extreme, unusual circumstances that usually involve fraud or duress) so it bothers me that embryos are treated differently. But, I digress. This isn't meant to be a public criticism of Nightlight (whom we LOVE, for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that they heard our concerns and are allowing us to sign a different document), but I did want to post some since it's part of our current feelings.
I guess I just wonder if I'll ever stop feeling like I have to prove myself or please someone. As an adoptive parent in an open adoption, it's hard to know that the biological parents are out there, and have the potential to evaluate your choices for your child. What if we disappoint them? What if we do something that would make them regret their choice? What if they think that they could do better at raising him than we could? It's just a lot of pressure, even if it's all hypothetical.
I do stress that regardless of my own insecurities, we still believe that an open adoption is best for Matthew which is why we are resolved to always continue, regardless of how we feel. The only thing that could ever put the brakes on this is if for some reason, it ever became unhealthy for him. And Beau and Sheila are committed to that, too, so we can always reevaluate how well he handles it, etc.
So, I'm just a ball of nerves today. I'm nervous that they'll be pleased with us and with him and with how we've parented him so far. I'm nervous that they'll observe something that will make them go, "Boy! What were we thinking??" I know that it's very unlikely that those things will actually happen, but I still feel it and have to continually surrender this in prayer. I wish Mike was still here. He was such a strong advocate of open adoption and he knew me well enough to say exactly what I'd need to hear. He could always help me get out of my head when we'd talk about it. He taught me so much, on this issue in particular. And man, that sweet Skyler-boy is such a testament. Mike and Krista definitely have it right on this issue! Krista just texted me, "Just focus on loving them. Matthew will steal the show." I needed to hear that. They both were always so good about realizing that adoption is as much a ministry as it is a blessing.
I know Beau and Sheila have a ton of emotions of their own surrounding this meeting. I can't imagine that when they meet him, that they won't miss him. I know that I would. He's such a precious, precious boy. My heart catches in my chest when I think about him. Parenthood is the only time in your life when you don't have to learn to love someone. It's just automatic from the moment you say, "hello." There's no way to describe it.
I was thinking last night about our infertility. I was thinking about how if we'd never heard those words in November 2007 that we'd never have a biological child, that we'd never have had our precious little Matthew. I can't imagine loving any child more. I can't imagine missing out on him. It actually makes me glad for our infertility, because I would not like my life without him. How wonderful are the ways of the Lord, even if we don't always understand them! When we first got that diagnosis, we'd already been trying to have a child for almost 4 years. When we started our adoption in 2008, it seemed like we'd already waited forever, and that we'd have forever more to wait. And yet, it all culminated in this precious baby boy, who I believe was always intended to be ours (Beau and Sheila concur). We started trying to conceive in January of 2004. Matthew didn't even exist yet (he was created later that year). If we'd have been successful with things according to our timeline and our plan, we'd never have this sweet little guy. I'm teary just thinking about it.
I know I sound sappy and sentimental and even a little cliche, but I really have come full circle with our wait and our journey. That little boy was worth all the wait in the world. In the 7 years that it took us to have him, Beau and Sheila gave him life, they had their own children, and they came to a place where they could make the difficult decision to relinquish him and his 11 siblings. When I think about it that way, 7 years seems sort of short for all of that to have happened. So I guess I will take this opportunity to encourage those of you still waiting that even though waiting is hard, and loss is even harder, God's timing is wonderful. It may take us a while to understand it, but I believe in time, He often reveals His reasons. Bless you who still wait. We worship with you and claim with confidence that His plan for you is perfect.
I know tomorrow will probably hold a lot of tears, but I also pray that it will hold a lot of joy. At the end of the day, it's not a bad thing for more people to love my son. I pray that he blesses them. I pray that their spirits (and ours!) will be lifted by this meeting, rather than pained. And I pray that God would continue to teach us how to best knit our families together for Matthew's own good. I'd covet your companionship in these prayers.
Love to you all.
Showing posts with label Open Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Open Adoption. Show all posts
Friday, April 29, 2011
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Tough Part of Open Adoption
We have a pretty unique relationship with the genetic parents. We "met" online in an infertility support group before either of us knew what God had in store for us. Eventually they approached us about adopting their embryos. We met in person, mutually agreed on the match, and went forward from there. That was in the summer of 2008. I had a transfer that fall, got pregnant, and miscarried. Then we took a year off and had another transfer in December of 2009, that didn't work. That brings us to now, 2 years after we matched. We've been told by our program that the relationship between our two families is the most open of any of their matches.
Because my first pregnancy was so short (just under 6 weeks), and the second transfer didn't result in a pregnancy, we'd only ever made it so far along in the process of navigating these waters. The last two years were relatively easy in our relationship, because there wasn't a baby to complicate things. Most families don't have two years to get to know each other before things start changing dramatically.
That's been good and it's been bad. Two years to really build a bond between our families has been great. We've built a tremendous relationship of honesty and vulnerability. The downside is that we've had two years to get used to the status quo. Beau and Sheila only had to go so far in their grief journey so long as the babies were still frozen, and we only had to go so far in our learning process so long as our only parenting decisions were about embryo storage and medical procedures. Now that there's a baby on the way, it's pushed us all deeper into our respective journeys, and it's been admittedly, difficult.
The hardest part of being an adoptive parent in an open adoption relationship is feeling like there is always going to be this other party watching us and approving or disapproving of our decisions. While Sheila and Beau are wonderful and they don't actually make us feel like we're under the microscope, the knowledge that they are the genetic parents is always there in our subconscious. The other really tough part is knowing that our joy comes at the expense of their pain. That's really, really hard to wrap your head and heart around. again, Beau and Sheila have never made us feel this way and have even tried to absolve us of feeling responsible, but there's just some feelings that exist, regardless of the facts and all efforts to the contrary. Beau and Sheila could say one thing until they're blue in their faces, but I will still always feel this other way. We all, Beau and Sheila included, believe that these children were always intended to be ours. But, no matter how you slice it, the fact is that these are our children because Beau and Sheila couldn't keep them. They didn't create them, intending to place them with someone else. They fully intended to parent these children when this journey started. That's just tough to swallow, for everyone involved. And to a certain extent, I think our feelings are appropriate because we always DO want to be mindful of what they are going through.
Sheila has used words like "anger" and "grief" to describe what they're going through, and I can't even begin to fully grasp what they are experiencing. But, I was finding that the more I tried to understand, the more I felt responsible, and even guilty.
The end result was that we were both walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting the other. I was trying to maintain the delicate balance of including her in the details because she wanted to know them, without wanting to "throw" my pregnancy in her face. She was trying to be honest with her feelings, while still not burdening me too much.
So, we've decided to take a break from communicating with each other. The bottom line is that where we are each are two such polar opposites that they can't really coexist right now if each person is going to be able to fully grasp what they're experiencing without feeling the need for censure or restraint. We've decided that it's probably a good thing that most families don't have communication during this part of the process; the genetic parents need time to grieve fully without feeling like they'll offend the adopting parents, and the adopting parents need time to fully embrace, celebrate and enjoy their pregnancy without feeling like they'll upset the genetic parents.
I will send updates on how the pregnancy is going to the agency, and when they are ready, Sheila and Beau will retrieve the information from them.
All 4 of us are still fully committed to an open adoption, and we know that this is just a season. Their grieving will eventually subside, and we will settle into a place of comfort in parenting. We'll reestablish contact when both of us agree that we could handle it.
The breaking away is painful, but we all agree that it is best for our respective families. The downside of an open adoption is that you get to see the tough stuff too. It's hard to know that someone is out there hurting, and you can't do anything about it. It some ways, an anonymous placement where we wouldn't know a thing about what the GPs are experiencing would be "easier." But I wouldn't trade that ease for the authenticity and vulnerability we have among our two families. It has been a wonderful gift to both our families, and we all think it will be a wonderful gift for all the children involved, too. We just need to be mindful of not biting off more than we can chew at any one time, so for now, we're each giving each other space to adapt. We'd love your prayers for each of us as we deal with our own journeys.
Because my first pregnancy was so short (just under 6 weeks), and the second transfer didn't result in a pregnancy, we'd only ever made it so far along in the process of navigating these waters. The last two years were relatively easy in our relationship, because there wasn't a baby to complicate things. Most families don't have two years to get to know each other before things start changing dramatically.
That's been good and it's been bad. Two years to really build a bond between our families has been great. We've built a tremendous relationship of honesty and vulnerability. The downside is that we've had two years to get used to the status quo. Beau and Sheila only had to go so far in their grief journey so long as the babies were still frozen, and we only had to go so far in our learning process so long as our only parenting decisions were about embryo storage and medical procedures. Now that there's a baby on the way, it's pushed us all deeper into our respective journeys, and it's been admittedly, difficult.
The hardest part of being an adoptive parent in an open adoption relationship is feeling like there is always going to be this other party watching us and approving or disapproving of our decisions. While Sheila and Beau are wonderful and they don't actually make us feel like we're under the microscope, the knowledge that they are the genetic parents is always there in our subconscious. The other really tough part is knowing that our joy comes at the expense of their pain. That's really, really hard to wrap your head and heart around. again, Beau and Sheila have never made us feel this way and have even tried to absolve us of feeling responsible, but there's just some feelings that exist, regardless of the facts and all efforts to the contrary. Beau and Sheila could say one thing until they're blue in their faces, but I will still always feel this other way. We all, Beau and Sheila included, believe that these children were always intended to be ours. But, no matter how you slice it, the fact is that these are our children because Beau and Sheila couldn't keep them. They didn't create them, intending to place them with someone else. They fully intended to parent these children when this journey started. That's just tough to swallow, for everyone involved. And to a certain extent, I think our feelings are appropriate because we always DO want to be mindful of what they are going through.
Sheila has used words like "anger" and "grief" to describe what they're going through, and I can't even begin to fully grasp what they are experiencing. But, I was finding that the more I tried to understand, the more I felt responsible, and even guilty.
The end result was that we were both walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting the other. I was trying to maintain the delicate balance of including her in the details because she wanted to know them, without wanting to "throw" my pregnancy in her face. She was trying to be honest with her feelings, while still not burdening me too much.
So, we've decided to take a break from communicating with each other. The bottom line is that where we are each are two such polar opposites that they can't really coexist right now if each person is going to be able to fully grasp what they're experiencing without feeling the need for censure or restraint. We've decided that it's probably a good thing that most families don't have communication during this part of the process; the genetic parents need time to grieve fully without feeling like they'll offend the adopting parents, and the adopting parents need time to fully embrace, celebrate and enjoy their pregnancy without feeling like they'll upset the genetic parents.
I will send updates on how the pregnancy is going to the agency, and when they are ready, Sheila and Beau will retrieve the information from them.
All 4 of us are still fully committed to an open adoption, and we know that this is just a season. Their grieving will eventually subside, and we will settle into a place of comfort in parenting. We'll reestablish contact when both of us agree that we could handle it.
The breaking away is painful, but we all agree that it is best for our respective families. The downside of an open adoption is that you get to see the tough stuff too. It's hard to know that someone is out there hurting, and you can't do anything about it. It some ways, an anonymous placement where we wouldn't know a thing about what the GPs are experiencing would be "easier." But I wouldn't trade that ease for the authenticity and vulnerability we have among our two families. It has been a wonderful gift to both our families, and we all think it will be a wonderful gift for all the children involved, too. We just need to be mindful of not biting off more than we can chew at any one time, so for now, we're each giving each other space to adapt. We'd love your prayers for each of us as we deal with our own journeys.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Why We Chose Open Adoption
We have a very open adoption relationship with the genetic parents of our embryos, Beau and Sheila. We talk regularly, we know each other's full names and contact information, we know about each other's families (and in some cases, have met some members) and we generally approach this entire endeavor as a joint operation. We intend for our kids to know them. Their kids already know us. We intend for all of our kids to know each other, and to have as much of a relationship with each other as they want and as is healthy. Neither of us is threatened by the other family. We generally enjoy each other's company. We talk about all aspects of this adoption-our thoughts, our feelings, our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our regrets, our desires... and we also talk about other stuff, completely unrelated to adoption, simply because we like each other.
We know that we're abnormal, even as far as open adoptions go. Even open adoptions are not usually in as much contact as we are.
We get asked why we chose open adoption, so I thought I'd share.
The background is that when we started, open adoption terrified me. Petrified. I had the picture that the media and the Law and Orders of this world paint--co-parenting or the kid runs away to live with his "other" family, or one day the other parents wake up and change their minds and take our kids away. And I'm sure that once in a very blue moon, those scenarios happen. But, they are NOT the norm and they should not impact your decision on whether or not open adoption is right for your family.
But over a lot of prayer, reading, education, and talking with a lot of different adoptive families, some open and some closed, we came to the conclusion that Open was what God was fashioning for our family.
Specifically, and in no particular order:
We never want our kids to feel like a part of them is missing. I have no contact at all with an entire side of my family, and I always feel uncomfortable with that. I feel like there are parts of my past that are just "off limits." Now in my case, I don't WANT to know those people, but I still don't like the feeling of this "other" out there. We never want our kids to have to question, "I wonder what would have happened if..." or "I wonder what I would be like if..." or "I wonder what they're like..." We believe strongly that this sets our kids up strongly with a temptation to resent us or Beau and Sheila, or both, for keeping that kind of information from them. It may turn out that our kids have no desire to know Beau and Sheila--I've heard of adopted kids who have no interest in their birth parents. But we think that's the kids' decision to make, not ours. We want to do our best to make sure the kids have everything the ever think they need in putting together the picture of their lives.
We think it will mitigate struggles with the kids, especially in their teen years. If they know Beau and Sheila, there's no, "I bet my REAL parents wouldn't do this or that..."
We want our kids to know that Beau and Sheila love them very much. We never want them to think that they were unwanted, or unloved, or second-best to the children Beau and Sheila are parenting. And even though we could tell them those things until we're blue in the face, it's different when it's coming straight from the source.
We want to have access to our kids' genetic medical heritage, if it's ever needed.
We want all of the kids to know each other.
We think introducing the kids to them at a young age normalizes it. If it's all they ever know, there's no light switch at age 18 or 21 or whatever. It's not abnormal if they've never known differently.
There are other reasons, but those are the main ones. The bottom line is that we thought that it was the best decision for our children, despite any misgivings or fears we may have had. Over time, as we've gotten to know them, God has really confirmed and affirmed that decision.
We know that things will ebb and flow with different seasons and at different times, each family or family member may be more or less able to handle certain parts of this dynamic, but that's why we think our foundation of communication and honesty is so important. When we first got pregnant the last time, Sheila was able to say "hey, I need to process this alone for a while-I'll be back in touch when I am able" and because of her honesty, we didn't needlessly hurt her, nor did she have to feel weird about enforcing her boundaries.
I want to stress that this is NOT co-parenting. Though DH and I have not had opportunity to do MUCH parenting, we have had some. Every decision we've made about medications, transfers, doctors, procedures, thawing, freezing, etc, has always, always been completely our decision. Sheila and Beau have volunteered to be a resource if we ever wanted them to be, as people who have been through this before, not as the genetic parents. When we got pregnant, they celebrated OUR pregnancy. When we miscarried, they mourned OUR children with us. We named our girls, we made plans for future transfers, we made all of our decisions, completely and autonomously (from them, obviously not from God). They are very good at respecting us and our boundaries and affirming that they believe as much as we do that these are our children.
Sheila and I know we're unusual, even among open adoption families. We know that seeing both sides of the same coin, cooperatively, is rare.
So we want to give you the opportunity to interact with both sides of the story. We want to give you the chance to ask any questions you want, and we'll post the answers here in a Q&A post. The questions can be about anything related to EA--they don't have to be specifically related to open adoption. And She and I are comfortable enough that we can answer questions that people might think would hurt the other one's feelings (like if you want to ask her something about what it was like to place with us or something like that). So, whatever you want to know about Embryo Adoption, from one or both of us, now's your chance.
To ask a question, just send me an email. Please include your question, who it's for (Sheila, me, or both of us), and how you'd like to be referred to on the blog when I write "So-and-so asked...." If you have a confidential question, note that in your email and one or both of us will reply via email. Otherwise, we'll assume it's public. Please also know that this same Q&A, in whole or in part, may be posted on Sheila's blog if she chooses.
Sheila and I are really excited about telling our story and we think God can use it to really grow Embryo Adoption. So please, ask us ANYTHING you want! :) We really are looking forward to this.
We know that we're abnormal, even as far as open adoptions go. Even open adoptions are not usually in as much contact as we are.
We get asked why we chose open adoption, so I thought I'd share.
The background is that when we started, open adoption terrified me. Petrified. I had the picture that the media and the Law and Orders of this world paint--co-parenting or the kid runs away to live with his "other" family, or one day the other parents wake up and change their minds and take our kids away. And I'm sure that once in a very blue moon, those scenarios happen. But, they are NOT the norm and they should not impact your decision on whether or not open adoption is right for your family.
But over a lot of prayer, reading, education, and talking with a lot of different adoptive families, some open and some closed, we came to the conclusion that Open was what God was fashioning for our family.
Specifically, and in no particular order:
We never want our kids to feel like a part of them is missing. I have no contact at all with an entire side of my family, and I always feel uncomfortable with that. I feel like there are parts of my past that are just "off limits." Now in my case, I don't WANT to know those people, but I still don't like the feeling of this "other" out there. We never want our kids to have to question, "I wonder what would have happened if..." or "I wonder what I would be like if..." or "I wonder what they're like..." We believe strongly that this sets our kids up strongly with a temptation to resent us or Beau and Sheila, or both, for keeping that kind of information from them. It may turn out that our kids have no desire to know Beau and Sheila--I've heard of adopted kids who have no interest in their birth parents. But we think that's the kids' decision to make, not ours. We want to do our best to make sure the kids have everything the ever think they need in putting together the picture of their lives.
We think it will mitigate struggles with the kids, especially in their teen years. If they know Beau and Sheila, there's no, "I bet my REAL parents wouldn't do this or that..."
We want our kids to know that Beau and Sheila love them very much. We never want them to think that they were unwanted, or unloved, or second-best to the children Beau and Sheila are parenting. And even though we could tell them those things until we're blue in the face, it's different when it's coming straight from the source.
We want to have access to our kids' genetic medical heritage, if it's ever needed.
We want all of the kids to know each other.
We think introducing the kids to them at a young age normalizes it. If it's all they ever know, there's no light switch at age 18 or 21 or whatever. It's not abnormal if they've never known differently.
There are other reasons, but those are the main ones. The bottom line is that we thought that it was the best decision for our children, despite any misgivings or fears we may have had. Over time, as we've gotten to know them, God has really confirmed and affirmed that decision.
We know that things will ebb and flow with different seasons and at different times, each family or family member may be more or less able to handle certain parts of this dynamic, but that's why we think our foundation of communication and honesty is so important. When we first got pregnant the last time, Sheila was able to say "hey, I need to process this alone for a while-I'll be back in touch when I am able" and because of her honesty, we didn't needlessly hurt her, nor did she have to feel weird about enforcing her boundaries.
I want to stress that this is NOT co-parenting. Though DH and I have not had opportunity to do MUCH parenting, we have had some. Every decision we've made about medications, transfers, doctors, procedures, thawing, freezing, etc, has always, always been completely our decision. Sheila and Beau have volunteered to be a resource if we ever wanted them to be, as people who have been through this before, not as the genetic parents. When we got pregnant, they celebrated OUR pregnancy. When we miscarried, they mourned OUR children with us. We named our girls, we made plans for future transfers, we made all of our decisions, completely and autonomously (from them, obviously not from God). They are very good at respecting us and our boundaries and affirming that they believe as much as we do that these are our children.
Sheila and I know we're unusual, even among open adoption families. We know that seeing both sides of the same coin, cooperatively, is rare.
So we want to give you the opportunity to interact with both sides of the story. We want to give you the chance to ask any questions you want, and we'll post the answers here in a Q&A post. The questions can be about anything related to EA--they don't have to be specifically related to open adoption. And She and I are comfortable enough that we can answer questions that people might think would hurt the other one's feelings (like if you want to ask her something about what it was like to place with us or something like that). So, whatever you want to know about Embryo Adoption, from one or both of us, now's your chance.
To ask a question, just send me an email. Please include your question, who it's for (Sheila, me, or both of us), and how you'd like to be referred to on the blog when I write "So-and-so asked...." If you have a confidential question, note that in your email and one or both of us will reply via email. Otherwise, we'll assume it's public. Please also know that this same Q&A, in whole or in part, may be posted on Sheila's blog if she chooses.
Sheila and I are really excited about telling our story and we think God can use it to really grow Embryo Adoption. So please, ask us ANYTHING you want! :) We really are looking forward to this.
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