Gone

Our babies are now safely in the arms of Jesus. They will always be in our hearts but it was not to be that we would hold them here and tonight the Lord called them home. We miss them so much already. We'd appreciate your prayers as we grieve our loss and celebrate their brief little lives. We'd also appreciate your prayers that the miscarriage would complete itself naturally so that we can avoid surgery.

Please also pray for us in our grief. Our heads know that this was God's plan all along but our hearts can't stop breaking. This has been a day of immeasurable loss and pain.

We spent 7 hours in the emergency room. They knew the test results after hour 3. The rest of the time we just had to sit and wait for a doctor to be available to read them to us. The wait was agonizing. Too long and yet precious too short for when the word came, there was no turning back time.

I came home and the floodgates opened even more than they had at the hospital. Taking a shower and watching all the blood and discharge was horrific. I can't help but scream at the fact that our babies were washed down some drain somewhere like waste. Oh God, it just shouldn't be this way. They're our children. They don't belong in some dirty, watery grave. They belong in our arms. And even acknowledging that God called them to an early homecoming, why did it have to be so undignified? The thought that sometime in the last few days I watched them wash or flush down the drain is almost too much for my heart to take.

It's now 3:30 am. I'm exhausted. And yet I can't make myself go to sleep. There's something about ending this last day I had with them that I just can't do. It's just too permanent. So, I'm busying myself with cleaning my kitchen, which now won't be used to host a festive Thanksgiving.

Oh God I miss them so much.

I'm trying to find something spiritual in this. I'm trying to rest in God's will. I'm trying to think about this in light of the coming season and the fact that God lost His child too and how I now have a fresher understanding of what that loss must have meant. I'm trying to think of the prospect that one day He'll use this for good, maybe even to minister to someone else. The thoughts come but they seem so empty. I just can't make sense of them right now. Right now I just ache to my very core. We have 10 more embryos. I have no idea when we'll try again, but the thought of ever going through this again, much less anywhere close to that many more times, is absolutely crippling. God, steel my heart!

I packed up the journal I'd been writing to them and the few cards we'd received and stowed it out of sight. I had to fight not to throw up at the sight of the bag from the Maternity store with the sleeping bras I'd bought two days ago to help with my increasing discomfort. Out that went too. Tomorrow we'll find a place back in the garage for my cradle my grandpa built for me as a baby, which we'd pulled out for visits with our godson and which we'd left out in anticipation of our own babies soon occupying it. The hope chest...well, it doesn't represent much hope right now. Guess off to the garage it goes too.

We knew there was a risk that this would happen but we had so much faith and peace that everything was going to work out and we'd meet our babies in 9 months. I really didn't think this would happen. Not this time. I feel so tricked and abandoned.

I love you, my sweet babies. Jesus, take care of them. I know you love them more than we do. Babies, go find your great grandpa and grandma and give them that kiss and hug I've wanted to give them for the past 11 years. I can miss you all together now. At least I know you're in good company and care, both with each other and with the God who made us all.

This blog will be going private, soon. If you would like an invitation, please use the email link on the right to request one. I have reserved another blog here where I will post Embryo Adoption Information, but it will have some of the personal parts of our story removed. All of the EA stuff will remain here too, but everything here will not be there.

Goodbye babies. I love you.