Warning: This post is very Debbie-downer. I have to get these thoughts out of my head. It contains my frustrations with pregnancy, which I know may be hard for some of you who are dreaming of being pregnant. Please feel free to stop reading now. I don't want this to hurt or offend anyone.
It's 1:30 am and I've just finished vomiting, again. I've been sick all evening. I was sick most of yesterday too. Sunday was awful. So was last Thursday. And most of the days for the last 2 weeks. For whatever reason, my NVP is increasing in frequency again. Most days, I lose count of how many times I vomit. And once it starts, it doesn't stop until my stomach is completely empty and I am throwing up bile or dry heaving.
I know I complain about this often and you all are probably sick (get it??) of hearing about it, but I'm just overwhelmed with this. I physically ache from vomiting so often. My throat hurts, my esophagus hurts, my abs hurt, my mouth hurts, my gums and teeth are bothering me (from all the stomach acid). I finish an episode and I literally just lie there panting and exhausted. I physically feel hungry all the time.
My house is in absolute shambles. Today I couldn't even finish folding a couple of loads of laundry before I had to lie down again. I'm in this constant state of eat, throw-up, sleep, over and over again. It's maddening. I can't keep up with my life, so I end up feeling pathetic and useless. Any exertion costs me for days in recuperation. I can't exercise or eat properly, and my sleep schedule is really messed up from all the napping, so while I sleep all the time, it's in weird increments and combined with the physical exertion of vomiting, I'm still tired all the time.
Extreme NVP, or Hyperemisis Gravidarum, or whatever it is I have is so frustrating, because everybody thinks they know what it's like. I don't know how to politely say this: this isn't your mother's morning sickness. It's probably not even your morning sickness. Honestly, I've only known 1 woman who has been THIS sick. But because everyone thinks it's "just" morning sickness, I've received endless suggestions and comments about how if I just try ginger, or peppermint, or sea bands, or saltines, it will all be better. Or if I just wait til X amount of weeks, it will magically go away. I've tried all that. I have. And it doesn't work. Neither do the 4 prescriptions I've been on. This isn't just a little case of pregnancy tummy upset.
There are the people who try to commiserate with me by sharing about that one time they almost got sick, or those 3-4 weeks they vomited every other day, or how for their first trimester, they were nauseated several hours a day, but honestly, it usually just makes me feel jealous. It reminds me that this could be easier, and for many it is, but in this case, it just isn't.
Then the people who think it's "just" morning sickness think that I'm overreacting and complaining about something every woman has to go through. Honestly, if every pregnant woman had to go through this, I think the human race would become extinct. I happened to be speaking to someone yesterday just after one of my episodes, and they could hear how exhausted I was. Though this person has known I've been sick, they truly sounded surprised at the extremeness. I wondered what she thought I'd been talking about these last 6 months.
There are the people who try to say things like "well, in a way I'm glad you're sick because it's a reminder that you're still pregnant." Or, "just be grateful for the reason you're sick." Of COURSE I'm grateful for Matthew and I thank God for every day he's with me, but that doesn't mean I can't just be really really tired of the physical toll this is taking on me.
And I just want to scream! Believe me. I have heard it all. I have tried everything. I guess I don't want another old wives tale or trick or an admonishment to get over it. I don't want anyone else to try and fix me. If God won't and neither my doctor or I CAN, I'm pretty sure no one else can either. I just want to feel better and I feel utterly helpless to make that happen.
Then there are the darker thoughts that I really don't know what to do with.
There's the guilt I feel for uttering one word of complaint after trying and praying for this for 6 years. After other people are still waiting. After others have buried their children and would kill to be sick if it meant they got to have their babies back.
I worry so much about Matthew. I worry about the fact that I can only get *maybe* a half a cup or a cup of fruits and vegetables down per week. I worry that one of the things that actually helps me on occasion is a Coca Cola, which is full of caffeine and sugar. I worry about the fact that I'm not exercising, both for what it means for me and Matthew, and what it means for an increase in difficulty in labor. I worry about the fact that I lost another 2 pounds this week, putting me back at a net 0 weight change. I should have gained 8-12 pounds by now. I worry that I'm setting him up to be deficient in some thing--or many things. I worry about the 4 medications I've tried and the fact that I continue to take one of them very regularly. It's assumed to be safe, but no dedicated studies have been done because frankly, no pregnant woman wants to be a guinea pig. So I just have to hope and pray that it really is safe, and that between the medication or not eating at all, the medication is the "safer" bet. But I could be wrong. I know no amount of worrying will change what is already ordained from him but I can't escape this overwhelming guilt.
And harder than that are the thoughts I have about my 6 babies still frozen. I love them with my whole heart. I've believed from the beginning that they are ours, were always ours--that God chose them for us and us for them. I love them as much as I do my 5 already in Heaven and their brother on the way. But honestly, I don't know how I can do this again. And that scares me. I don't know how to face this again, but I don't know how to face any other decision, either. I'm ashamed to say that some days I think about whether or not we'll have to allow someone else to adopt them. What kind of mother am I that I would even consider such a thing over something as small as vomiting? I HATE that my thoughts even go there, but some days, they can't not.
Between DH and I, the only reproductive organ that works right is my uterus, which is the only one you need for EA. I've always taken that, and many other things, as sure direction from God that EA was what He had for us. I HATE that EA is treated like a fertility treatment. I believe that it is a calling to save little lives and I believe that He gave that calling to us. It's so maddening to have that conviction, but to have your body fail you. I wonder-did we get it wrong? Did we misunderstand? And if we were right, why is this particular roadblock not being removed? I resent that I can't look back on this time with pleasure and fondness.
I don't know what to do with all these thoughts. I don't know how to get out from under the physical exhaustion. I don't know how to admit and recognize the thoughts and then leave them at the foot of the cross. I don't know how to stop feeling guilt or worry, even though I know both are sins. I pray for relief from this, but honestly, it's half-hearted at times because I just expect it to continue.
So I don't know. I guess I hoped by actually writing all of this down, I could get it out of my head and abandon some of it. I desperately covet your prayers either for physical relief, or grace to deal with these thoughts and emotions. Thanks for reading. I'm sorry I'm so whiney. I hope you can be patient with me.