Jumbled mix of thoughts

I've hesitated in posting because I just can't really get a good grasp on where I'm at.

In a prolonged period of delayed gratification of a virtuous and God-given wish, I think it's pretty normal to ask the why question. I think people who lose a loved one ask it. People who long to be married but remain single ask it. People who want to go on the mission field but are prevented ask it. And most certainly, women possessing of a mother's heart ask it.

I've asked it myself over the years, at different times and with varying intensity. Sometimes I'll arrive at an answer that satisfies me. Several years ago, early in our TTC journey, DH admitted something to me that really rocked our marriage. So for a while, I was grateful that God held off satisfying the desire for children while DH and I worked through that issue and rebuilt the trust that was lost.

After the shock of our initial diagnosis of permanent infertility wore off, we were grateful that God had heightened our desire for children so much as to pursue medical care, as we discovered DH's condition, got him on the medicine he needs and potentially warded off serious complications later.

When a friend's wife had an affair and split up their marriage and he moved in with us, I was glad his room was not yet a baby nursery. My brother has also lived in that room twice and even now it is occupied by another friend in a transitional place in life. We couldn't have done that for any of them had we been a household of 3.

Then, when DH lost his job last year, I thought it was because having a baby during a tough transitional time would have been too difficult.

Just recently this spring, I was sure that it was because our friends needed us and with children we would not have been able to drop everything and jump into their lives the way that we did.

And I have been grateful for all of those things. I really truly have. I appreciate the other prayers God has answered, the opportunities He's given us, the protections He's granted, the growth He's directed. But again, I'm back to asking "why?"

I'd previously always dismissed thoughts like "God doesn't let you have kids because He knows you'd be a terrible parent" or "You don't really want a child-you want a baby. You would get tired of it quickly." I've never allowed myself to think that way because in my head, I knew it wasn't true--that God didn't work that way and that my desires weren't that shallow or short. But honestly, with all other options exhausted, I felt like there was no other explanation.

Then I jumped in to caring for our friends' kids every day-getting them up and making them breakfast, getting them ready for the day, playing with them, taking them on errands and outings, getting them in and out of strollers and carseats, taking them grocery shopping, disciplining them, playing with them, fixing their lunch, putting them down for naps, fixing their dinners, helping with homework, packing school lunches, giving them baths, doing their laundry, getting them ready for bed, reading them stories, praying with them, comforting them when they cried, singing them to sleep. I did their whole routine, from start to finish, day after day. And I loved it. And I was really, really good at it, just like I knew I would be. And DH was really good at it, too. And I couldn't wait to get up and do it again the next day. So in a way, it was a good encouragement, confirmation of the truth and reminder that I think the desire to parent is well placed in me. But in a sense it made it more difficult-I know we'll make good parents, so what is the hold up? And I guess that continually asking the question and hearing silence in return just gets lonely sometimes. I know I'm not entitled to an answer, but knowing that doesn't really make not having one any easier.

My best friend is pregnant again. January marks 6 years of trying for us. My best friend tried for a year and a half, got pregnant, had our godson at full term, he's 19 months old, and they're pregnant again. And we've still been trying longer than all of that time combined. I have friends who didn't even know their husbands or weren't dating them when DH and I started trying, and yet they're now married and on child #2 or #3. When we started our young married women's group a few years ago, one woman in the group had 1 child. Now 3 of them have 2 kids, a 4th has 1 child and Kim (best friend-part of this group) has 1 born and 1 on the way. And the kicker is that all but one of those women struggled with infertility. I'm literally being lapped in life. I'm standing still, and their lives continue to move on, away from mine. And I hate it. It's lonely, I don't understand, they don't understand, and I just want so desperately to go with them. I remain close with two of the women and of course they include me in their lives and I love and adore them and their children, but it's not the same with their lives there and mine here. And they don't understand that--or they do, and they're just too nice to let it bother them.

Then there's this whole thing with Mike being sick. Once the dust settled and we got into a little bit normal of a routine, it hit me really hard that we came so close to losing him and that there's a realistic possibility that we will lose him sooner than we should. So, that's been emotionally overwhelming in it's own right. But it also compounds my fear that our children will never get to meet or remember certain people who are so important to us. DH's grandparents are in their 80s. My dad and DH's parents are in their mid 60s. I praise God that all of them are healthy and God willing, we have lots of years with all of them left. But even if our kids were born tomorrow, by the time our children would be old enough to really develop relationships and lasting memories, a lot of opportunities will have been lost and there's a chance with any one of them that our kids wouldn't be able to remember them. And that kills me. Kills me. It literally makes me sick to think about and I just can't handle the unfairness.

And I hate that the only thing standing in the way right now is something so earthly and temporary as money. I just want to say "really?" After everything we've been through, something as stupid as money is the hold up??

I'm just exhausted of trying anymore. I'm ready to give up on ever trying again and if not for my children still waiting in a frozen state, I would throw in the towel on this journey. My heart is broken and I no longer believe that God is intending to fix it. I would have been ok with never having children, were it not for the God given desire to have them and the talent to steward them well. It feels like a sick and cruel joke though that He's placed those desires and talents in us and still remains silent. I don't even know how to get back to a place of hope right now. I literally expect God to forever disappoint me on this issue. And I know in my head and in my heart of hearts that that's His right and with my mouth I say that if it's His will, so be it. But I just wish He would take this desire away because I don't know what to do with it anymore. I just don't understand why He would give it to us, just to deny it again and again and again. I feel that no matter what I do to relinquish it to Him or pray about it or leave it alone, or walk away, or try to examine it in a positive light or try to minister to others in it or see the greater good that comes out of it, it continues to hold a power on me that I just can't break free of. I feel like it drives a wedge between me and my friends, me and our families, me and DH, and me and God. I'm only human--I can't force it to stop and it doesn't seem like He will, either. I am utterly helpless. I have nothing left to say or think or pray on the matter.

I read a book the other day and there was a quote in it that I'm really trying to meditate on:

"[She]...wrestled with relinquishing her will to the holy Creator. She stood on the precipice of doubt, clinging to her needs, desires, and goals, which the Lord beckoned her to release...release and fling herself and her future wholly unto his care. In her human weakness she struggled to comprehend that God was fully able to give her more in her release than He could in her clinging."

I do get that in my head. And I've really tried NOT to cling. I've tried to be patient and gracious and forbearing. I just don't know how to do anything different than I've been doing and yet my pain persists without relief.

As I've shared before, I try to tell myself not to ask the why questions. And on good days, I am content with the "because I said so" answer that I've blogged about before. When I am rational and calm and whole-hearted, I understand that God's purpose is better and bigger and more important than my needs and wants, however virtuous they may be. But tonight I'm just a daughter with a broken heart who wants her Daddy to fix everything, and I just don't understand why He won't. I'm trying so desperately to cling to the Character I know is true in spite of my grief, but my broken heart wants more than that. I don't want head knowledge right now, I want ministry to my heart and my brokenness, and I just can't feel it.

God, help me!

Friend's Surgery Update

We didn't get the news we were praying for. They did find another tumor. They were able to get it, but he has a long road in front of him. Thank you for continuing to join us in prayer.

Drive by Posting

Hi Friends,

Thank you for continuing to check in with me. This has been a crazy week. It started off with a trip to the Packers-Cardinals game (not THAT one, the one where the Packers actually won). The tickets were courtesy of dear friends (actually, the parents of sweet Skyler, who I mention here frequently). We had a great time.

Then we hung out with said friends Monday night. Our friend Mike, Sky's dad, has had a couple of brain tumors in the past few years. On Wednesday night I was over there and Mike had an episode that required he be taken to the ER, who decided to admit him. His MRIs show something..they're not sure what. But, one possibility is another tumor. He has surgery tomorrow.

As a result, we and another family from the church became the round-the-clock caregivers for their kids, so his wife could be at his side. So, we've really just not been home this week and I've certainly not had a chance to blog.

We went up to visit with Mike tonight and we got to spend an incredible 3 hours with him. Because of the issues, he's not been quite himself this week and has not always been lucid. But tonight, he spoke with perfect clarity, passion and truth. He spoke of God's greatness and mercy and providence. He extolled God for placing him in the hospital, where he's had the chance to minister and to witness. The hospital staff has been able to witness the great relationships he has with people who love him. Today, while visiting him, the Pastor had the chance to share the love of God with some staff members. Tonight, one of Mike's caregivers, a growing believer, overheard our conversation and enthusiastically jumped in with questions and thoughts of her own. It was incredible. And I was so humbled by the fact that Mike looked beyond his very great suffering and praised God for His purpose in this. How small is my suffering compared to his and how much I still have to learn! So thanks, sweet friend, for a great evening and for teaching us tonight.

But on that note, please pray for Mike. We really love him and he is an integral part of our lives. We're praying very specifically that this "thing" tomorrow is nothing more than scar tissue (or something else equally harmless) and that Mike will be healed, on this earth, from all tumors and cancers and that we all will have many, many more long and healthy years with him. Please also pray for his doctors-that they would be given excellence in wisdom and skill. Please also pray for his wife, children, and extended family, that they would be comforted.

On a much smaller note, we may be moving. It would result in an amazing opportunity for DH's business, but would require a lot of change and stress and work to get there. Would you please just pray for wisdom for us and the other people involved as we make this decision? Thank you!

Edited for clarity: We'd be moving across town, not from the area ;)

Checking in, more thoughts, and thanks for the kindness of "strangers"

Howdy, folks!

I pray you all had a blessed, Merry Christmas!

We got through Christmas and fared a little better than I had expected to. The rest of my birthday ended up going ok-we had a great dinner with my sister-in-law and her hubby, my parents and my brother and that was great fun. We spent Christmas Eve with our church family and Christmas day with my family. Both occasions were also a blessing to us. My sister-in-law was in town briefly, which was a great source of joy for us (the visit, not the brevity ;) ) Their visits are always too short and too far apart.

All independently of each other (and most all without reading this blog), the friends I mentioned from the party in my last post all reached out to us, which was of great comfort to our hearts.

On Monday a package arrived from one of the party guests-the only guest we did not know, as he was the relatively new boyfriend of one of the party goers. We'd not yet had a chance to meet him until the party. We met him and liked him very much but after the party, he was still relatively a stranger since we'd only interacted with him a couple of hours.

When the package came, I thought it was a Christmas ornament for my hubby. (They bonded over this shotgun toting Santa ornament from our game that night). The package was addressed to DH so I gave it to him and went on my merry way. A few minutes later, he came to me with a box and a letter. The letter was a incredibly touching, beautiful letter from said friend about us and our Snowflakes.

Inside the box was this:


One of the hardest parts of a miscarriage or early pregnancy loss is the feeling that the world around you doesn't really know/care/or is affected by the fact that your children existed. They're gone before anyone ever got to know them. There is no funeral or headstone. There are no memories of them. They're just here one day, and gone the next. And life just goes on around you. It's a hard place to be in. Some days I just want to stand up and scream, "my babies were here. I love them. They MATTER!"

I don't think James will ever know what a gift he gave us in acknowledging and remembering our babies with us--all of whom were lost before he even met us. We had given our moms snowflake pendants like mine a couple of years ago for mother's day. Mine was exposed to something that ruined it, and we've not been able to replace it. So on top of the sweet sentiment, it was also a gift to have a pendent again. It honors me when I see our moms wearing theirs...and I feel like I'm honoring our babies when I wear mine. I'd felt quite naked without one, so I am grateful to have one again. So, dear James, thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

This is a season of both joy and mourning for us. We're missing our babies terribly. I miss the girls something fierce, and the loss associated with our newest two babies is something altogether different, and dealing with both simultaneously is difficult.

Due to some fraud committed by the company who used to insure my hubby's employer, and some of that company's clients, we now have a couple thousand dollars in medical bills (from things from this past summer which were supposed to be paid by the insurance)...which has created a stress from the money standpoint but moreover, it's postponed another transfer indefinitely because we don't have the money to pay these bills and pay for another transfer. Considering another transfer is also a couple of thousand dollars, the prospects of any attempts in the near future is bleak. It kills me that not only have we waited 6 years already (January marks the anniversary of when we first started trying), but now we will wait longer through no fault of our own, because someone else (well, lots of someone elses) was unethical. So, I'm discouraged. Waiting is tough.

We're also mourning with friends who both lost their babies in December, too. One is another Snowflake Mommy, Heather, who lost her two babies after their first transfer. And the other is my sweet friend Grace, who lost her babies this week, and who also lost a child last year shortly after we lost our girls. Both friends are very dear to me and my heart is heavy for them. I solicit your prayers on their behalf as they walk in the valley of grief, too.

Dear friends of ours are leaving our church, which distresses me for a variety of reasons, which I won't share here. But it's left me struggling with some questions about the way God directs a family and it's left me heartbroken for one member of the couple, whose heart is torn over their departure.

But, we also have cause for great rejoicing. Over Christmas, one of our very dear friends got engaged (to James, the snowflake giver mentioned above!), and she and her fiancee have asked both DH and I to be in the wedding...which will be in 12 weeks! We are over the moon for them. They have both waited a long time for the "right one" and God has blessed their patience with each other.

Another friend from the same circle is also getting married, the weekend before friend #1. They're a great couple, too. DH is also in that wedding and we are delighted to celebrate with them, as well!

The week prior to that is the main fundraiser for my employer (a fundraiser which I coordinate) and the weekend before that is my mentor's wedding, for which I'm doing the food! So there is a lot of activity and business and cause for celebration. I'm grateful for that--it gives me some distraction. And my heart is full for my friends experiencing such joy in their lives!

Our genetic parents are coming to town this week. We are overjoyed to see them again but doubly excited because they get to meet some of our family members. There's still some chance that they might not come, so we're still praying that they do and then we'll make some fun plans!

I need to scoot off of here and do our end-of-the-year accounting but I did want to check in and update. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. Birthdays were always a big deal in my family and I've always really enjoyed it. I enjoy getting to spend time with my family, to get a break from cooking and dishes, and getting to choose the activities of the day. So, I usually look forward to it.

This year though, the fact that it's my birthday hit me hard. I'm 29 today. That's not old in the grand scheme of life, but it's old in terms of childbearing. I always wanted to be a young mom. I got married at 22. I figured we'd have our first child by 24, another at 26, another at 28 and finish with a 4th at 30. That was my plan. Oh, how different are God's ways.

I guess the realization of the fact that I won't even have 1 child by the time I'm 30 has me down today. Well, that's not true. I have 12 children, and I'm not even 30 years old ;) But, I haven't gotten to meet any of them and won't have had the chance to by that time.

I know 30 is such an arbitrary number. But, I know at that age is when my reproductive system starts to decline. We still have 4 more transfers in front of us. The fact that I could still be doing this when I'm 35-40 (when risks increase for me and baby) scares me. The fact that my nieces and nephews continue to grow older (the oldest is driving!) and thus farther in age from what our kids will be makes me sad because I don't think our kids will really get that cousin experience. Their cousins will be more like Aunts and Uncles to them. The fact that our friends' children all are getting older too so I won't get the joy of our kids growing up together makes me sad, too.

My grandma died at this time of year 12 years ago, so I'm always missing her. The loss of my grandma was one of the single most impacting things that's ever happened. At least my babies are hanging out with her...an opportunity I still miss every day.

I wish I had something profound to say about all this but I don't. I'm just sad tonight. I miss my babies so terribly. I wish I could understand why God chose this path for us. I wish I knew when and if it would ever change. I try not to indulge the "it's not fair" thoughts and the "why" questions...I just can't even go there in my mind and I just try to stay focused on the thoughts I shared already about being content with God as the ultimate answer to every question. But, my heart still aches, even if I can keep my mind arrested.

I did have a really great weekend. We went out of town to help my in-laws pack up to move and we stayed at their house overnight (it's a vacation home) after they left to come home. The house is as nice as any hotel I've ever been in so it felt like we were on a nice little getaway. We went out for a nice supper thanks to the generosity of my in-laws. We took a walk in the mountain air. We went to visit a fantastic Christmas lights display. We just enjoyed each other's company. It was really the first alone time we'd had since "the" phone call last weekend, so it was really nice to just be together.

This morning we were back at church for a wonderful morning. Then we had a terrific lunch with Skyler's family and another family from church where we gave the kids their gifts. It was the first year in a long time that seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child wasn't too painful to enjoy and appreciate. We then traveled up to my in-laws home here in town, where we enjoyed a Christmas celebration with DH's side of the family. It's the first time all of us have been together in a long time, so that was fun. DH's sister and I are close so I'm always grateful for the time I get with her. So we really did have a wonderful, blessed weekend and I am trying to be mindful of that in spite of my sadness.

But, I also know that my God is bigger than my heart, and my mind and my emotions and my sadness. I guess I'm just bringing this to His feet; I really don't even know what else to do with it, or how to process it.

Anyway, those are my ramblings...love to you all. And thank you in advance for any prayers you might get a chance to offer on my behalf!

When the Answer is "No"

I started off the weekend with a facebook status that said "Jennifer has homemade vegetable red sauce in the crock pot for tomorrow's 5 cheese lasagna. More cookie baking tomorrow and then fun with friends tomorrow night! Church Christmas dinner on Sunday...it will be a blessed weekend!"

When the phone call came yesterday, I was so crushed and all thoughts of blessing when out the window.

Yesterday was hard. The phone call came in the middle of getting ready for a party I was throwing. The party came and went, and though all in attendance knew of our loss, not a single person uttered a word of sympathy or condolence or asked how we were doing or even mentioned it. I don't think any of those people read this blog so this isn't to call anyone out or to shame anyone...it's just to say, if you know your friends are grieving, say something. Anything. Silence is the worst choice of all. So, last night really hurt. (ETA: This is not a plug for comments or emails--I meant in a social situation-if you're in the same room as someone you know is experiencing grief, please take a moment to hug them, weep with them, squeeze their hand, say "I'm sorry," etc. We don't expect you to know what to say...we just need to know you care).

The calls and messages did pour in from other friends and family (including so many of you-thank you!) but because we were in the middle of a party, we couldn't really talk to anyone.

But, as much as the actions of these people hurt, I really think that God redeemed it. I’m a person who processes things by talking (or in this case, writing) through them. By the time the party was over last night, DH and I hadn’t had but a few minutes alone, no one had asked us about it, and when they all went home, we were just too exhausted to talk or think. I’d made up my mind that I was determined to be mad at God, and I’d wake up and deal with it in the morning.

Then we got to church. I wish I could describe to you how much I love our church. I intended to go in the back, sit, stone-faced, teach my lesson and slip back out. Ha! Our church loves you whether you want it or not! We received so much love, and so many hugs, and so much support. And that’s when the tears started. I sobbed my way through the music. A good friend took my class so I sat through the sermon (I normally teach children's church during the preaching) and the sermon “happened” to be on my favorite passage in scripture (John 1). I was convicted through the sermon, and then I bawled my way through Sunday School and then we were surrounded by more hugs. We are so remarkably blessed by the great love shown in this local body of Christ. This church does that part of the Body's work better than any church I've ever seen. And we are so humbled to be recipients of that love, and partakers in this church.

And I got to process through those suspended thoughts in a new context, in an environment of support, and in the light of Truth. So, from that perspective, I am glad I wasn't able to process more last night.

When I say mad, what I mean is I felt a combination of anger, forsakenness, self-pity, confusion, more anger, impatience, grief, sorrow, more anger and overwhelming sadness. And I just wanted to throw my little temper tantrum and tell God I was sick and tired of waiting for His timing, that His answers don’t make sense, that He let me down and that while He promised He wouldn’t give us more than we can handle, I felt like this time, He actually did.

Today, I still said those things, but today they were as a confession of a daughter to her Father, out of an attitude of utter helplessness and desperation for rescue. Last night they were of an entitled citizen whose “rights” had been infringed upon. What a difference a day can make!

In one of His points this morning, my Pastor connected verse 5, “The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it,” with Matthew 5:16: “Let your Light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in Heaven.” I can’t explain it so eloquently as he did, but the net point was “A, therefore B.” I’ve always understood the passages independent of each other, but the connection today struck a chord with me.

And it dawned on me. In the modern context, a light is usually a light bulb. The light bulb doesn’t get to choose when its turned on, the wattage at which it’s turned on, or the sphere which it illuminates. Its job is to light. It serves at the behest of its master. I abdicated my “right” to turn off and hide under a bushel when I gave my life to Christ. My job is to serve as a vessel of His grace and mercy and love. Even when my feelings want to demand otherwise, I must choose to exhibit Christ in all that I do, including my mourning. There's little room for temper tantrums in that.

Skyler, the two-year-old love of my life who I mentioned a few posts ago, is at the stage where his favorite question is “Why?” As much as I adore that baby boy, I tire easily of that question. When the question is asked as the follow up to an instruction, I find myself, more often than not, answering, “Because I said so.”

I have a lot of “whys” with regard to this loss, our last loss, and our infertility journey in general. And yet as I said it again to Skyler tonight, it dawned on me that the answer is always the same to my questions: Because He said so. Because the Great I AM said so. When He is the answer, the questions suddenly become irrelevant.

And do you know what? That’s remarkably freeing. Not in a “check your logic at the door” sort of way but in a “Someone who knows more than I is in charge, and I don’t need to know all the details because I’m safe in His care” sort of way. Scripture tells us that God’s ways are not our ways. And His thoughts are not our thoughts. His mind is not our mind. But darned it all if I don’t try to make sense of things in my insufficient ways, thoughts and mind, anyway. How futile! And how exhausting!

Pastor said something in Sunday school: in the darkness of our grief even when things don’t make sense, the truth of God’s character remains the same. Praise God! His steadfastness and trustworthiness and faithfulness are not dependent on whether or not I feel them or want to acknowledge them.

No other answer matters. Because He said so. It’s not only freeing, it’s convicting.

Then, as Pastor continued and preached about the miracle of God made flesh, I found Him asking me “Is that enough?” Here we are in the season focused on the precious Gift of the Christ Child, and my selfish heart is asking for more. How much I still have to learn.

I do believe that that God gives us desires of our hearts and there is a way to reconcile that with the Sufficiency of His Person. There is a Way Because He is both. I can’t quite reconcile it all in my head just yet to know how to hold on to one and rest in the other, but I know that He knows those details.

So, that’s where I’m at. I still am a mother who just lost two more children, and I grieve. But my grief doesn’t feel overwhelming, endless, or purposeless.

These are some questions we’ve received several times that I thought I’d attempt to answer.

How is this different than last time?
In a transfer, the babies are put in my uterus, but they still have to “grab on” the good old fashioned way. That’s still entirely up to God and nature. In our last transfer, they did grab on, we got pregnant, and then we miscarried. In this case, they just never implanted. We don’t now specifically when they were lost, and we were never officially pregnant in this case. The end result is the same-our babies are in Heaven and not with us. But functionally, the process is very different. For one, there is no trauma to my body like there is with a miscarriage. For that I’m grateful. In one sense, that makes it much easier. The memories I have of the night I lost the girls still haunt me to this day. I have and will have nothing like that with this loss. On the other hand, that makes it tough, too. The babies just left me one day, and we have no idea when. That ambiguity is a little odd.

Are the results conclusive?
Yes. This news was confirmed through a blood test to check for HCG, the pregnancy hormone. My blood was drawn at a late enough point in the process that even if the babies had implanted at the last possible second in the biological “window” of possible implantation time, there would still be measurable levels of HCG by now. The fact that there are none, means there never will be any, with regard to this transfer and those babies.

When will we try again?
We don’t know. We need to process this grief. We need to “detox” my body of all the hormones and let it return to normal. We need to save the money again for another transfer. Then we need to gear up another cycle of hormones in preparation. So, not for several months, at least. We still have 8 babies in frozen storage. And we are committed to giving every single one of them a chance at life. So we must do this again, at least several more times. We just don’t know when the next time will be.

We had our Christmas dinner at church tonight. It was wonderful. I spearheaded cooking dinner for 100 people and worked with my DH and some amazing ladies to get it done. We enjoyed wonderful fellowship. And sweet Skyler gave me all the hugs and snuggles I could want…the best medicine in the world. But, now, I’m exhausted. Tears, trauma and tasks will do that to you! My sweet DH has been kind enough to wait up with me while I finished this so I should wrap it up and go to bed.

Please pray for us. I feel strong and composed tonight, but I also know my flesh and will are weak. Please pray for His strength, composure and peace. Please pray for rest for us. Please pray as we continue to process and mourn. I know the coming days will be difficult.

And please join us in thanking God for His wonderful mercies: Christ has come and will come again, He loves us patiently, our babies are in Heaven with Him, He quiets the questions of our hearts, and He has given us remarkable family and friends. Despite my mid-weekend faltering, the weekend was, and we indeed are, blessed!

Love to you all.

Another "no"

God's answer was "no," again. We have two more children in Heaven. I'm devastated, but mostly right now, I'm and angry. Honestly, right now I don't think His answer will ever be "yes." And that's really hard to deal with.