Is anyone still out there?

Hello, dear readers! The author of my favorite book often referred to her audience as "dear readers" and I always thought it was so endearing.

First--in demonstrating how to use wordpress for someone else, I accidentally deleted my blogroll. Can you please post your link for me here in the comments?

I didn't intend to take a break from blogging--it just sort of happened. But it's been good overall. I've been at the gym A LOT (aside from this week, I go 5-6 days per week). The exercise has been good but now it makes me a little nuts to sit at a computer long enough to blog!

The spring time was a little difficult too. As I write this, I should be 8 months pregnant. Mother's Day was awful. Nearly every person we know seemed to forget it was Mother's Day for me too. We're sort of dreading Father's Day for the same reason. The excessive commercialization and marketing of the two holidays, combined with the utter silence from our friends and family just made us feel very lonely. Every commercial, radio advertisement and business gimmick was just a brazen reminder of what we'd lost. I'll be very grateful when this weekend is over. Overall I've actually been doing well but these holidays resulted in a significant setback.

I had to make the conscious choice to not dwell on the negative thoughts and feelings. That included, for a time, not blogging. I finally feel like I'm coming out of that funk and it's no longer so detrimental or exhausting for me to sit and process the more difficult thoughts.

The weight loss journey is going well, albeit slowly. I'm down about 20 pounds, 2.5% body fat, and 6.25 inches. I exercise a ton (I do weights and swim 1/2-3/4 of a mile 5-6 days a week!) I checked out every book on nutrition I could possibly find and have been reading a ton. I really want to make this a lifestyle change, and I want to know why and how certain foods are better for me, better together, better cooked certain ways, etc.

The new doctor in Tucson is AMAZING. We're shifting my care to him. I feel so much better about entrusting the babies and myself to him than I did with the other "doctors." I really feel like he was an answer to prayer and I'm so grateful that God provided him.

We discussed my weight loss with him. He's willing to do a transfer sooner (fewer pounds lost) than I was. He was comfortable with 35, I want to get to 50. But the weight is coming off so slowly and we also have to factor in that we have to do the transfer this year because of our FSA money. So I'll continue my weight loss plan faithfully from now through August 30. Then he wants me to stabilize for 2 months so my hormones and chemicals that change during weight loss can level out. In October I'll start the medication regimen. Then we'll do another transfer at the end of November. That gives us December to work with in case November has to be canceled for any reason.

At my current rate of weight loss, that should put me right about 40 pounds down. I'm comfortable with that :)

This summer we'll be moving the babies to the Tucson clinic, so I'd appreciate your prayers as we make those arrangements and as they travel.

DH and I are coming up on 6 years of marriage at the end of this month! While we'd hoped to have a house full of kids by now, I've been so grateful for the time we've had together that so many other couples miss out on. He truly is my best friend and best companion and I enjoy time with him so much. That's been a real gift for me and though infertility has been difficult, the exclusive attention of my husband for so many years has been a treasure.

I lost the diamond out of my wedding ring last week. We've yet to locate it so I went in to the local jeweler to see what our options were for costs of replacement, repair, etc. In talking, he noticed my other ring (my snowflake ring). I commented that it was the ring my hubby gave me for our adoption and that we did what is called a "Snowflake Adoption." His face lit up and he said "you did? Really!??" He was so excited because he and his wife have been researching it and had hit a dead end. A snowflake adoption outside of California has three components-the Snowflake Agency, your own state's adoption agency and the medical provider. They had gotten what they needed from Nightlight, but had hit a brick wall on the other two fronts. So we talked about cost, procedure, doctors, etc. I walked out of the jeweler and wept. I lost a rock. A stone. A lifeless, tiny piece of earth. But I gained a chance to try to plant or water a precious seed that just maybe, God will grow. He may use this family to provide a home for some precious children, and provide precious children to this couple who long so much for a child. Or He may use them to spread the information to another family down the road. Who knows? God does. But I'm absolutely confident that our meeting was a divine appointment. Pray for that family that God would make the information they need readily available and that he would make very evident His plan for them.

My sweet sister in law and her family are in town and staying with us this week-it's been such a joy! She went to fetch the kids from grandma and grandpa's house so I want to scoot off to the gym in her absence and therefore need to cut this short.

If you're still out there, thanks for reading and for your patience. Please remember to leave me your blog address so that I can find you again!

Grace and peace to you, dear readers!

Awesome!

I'm so grateful that the truth is getting out there through such a major national platform!

News Story

Our news story aired last night! The reporter emailed us in the day time while we were on the road home from California. My sweet brother came over to our house to turn on our recorder so that we could see it and I could post it here.



(direct link)

Overall, I was pleased with the story. I thought it portrayed Embryo Adoption in a positive light and I appreciated that it was more than a 30 second sound byte.

I had a few crtiques/corrections.

1) I hate that the camera adds 10 pounds.

2) I was discouraged that though I know they talked to Dr. Pomeroy (our Embryologist from our last cycle), they didn't show anything expert or relevant to his position as an Embryologist, and in fact, any person off the street could have said what he said. And what he said wasn't even that great-families choose Embryo Adoption for lots of reasons. Boiling it down to "desperation for a child" is such a narrow, insufficient description and I felt like it was said in a negative fashion.

3) Contrary to what the reporter said, we DO know what will happen to our embryos if we end up with a full house and still have embryos left. We actually even answered a question about what would happen so I'm not sure why she said what she did. We have already committed to returning them to the Genetic Parents in a situation like that. All Nightlight families make the same commitment.

4) The Anchor woman's synopsis about Embryo Adoption requiring a homestudy was correct. However, Embryo Adoption is not the only method for receiving donor embryos. Couples can go through clinic programs too (call Donor Embryo Programs), that are often anonymous and less invasive in to the Adoptive Family's background. I obviously prefer adoption over donor programs but realize that not every family (either Placing or Adopting) will choose it and yet their embryos need homes and a chance at life too, so I think it's also important for people to know that donor programs exist, if the adoption arrangement just won't work out for them.

5) I included Pop-Ups on points 3-4 on the youtube itself. I wish there was a way to correct it on the broadcast or from the news-end of it but in the absence of such an opportunity I just pray that no one got the wrong impression about #3 and our commitment to our babies, and that word quickly spreads about both opportunities described in #4.

All that being said however, I was still pretty pleased with the broadcast. I felt like it painted a positive and largely accurate picture. I am glad for the generous amount of time they gave it (the entire news broadcast itself was only 35 minutes including commercials) and mostly I'm grateful for the exposure it gave Embryo Adoption. May God use it to reach many more families!

Nightlight Gala and Placing Family Blog

Todd and I had the privilege of attending Nightlight's 50th Anniversary Gala this weekend, where we had the privilege of learning more about their ministry, of partaking in it, of spending quality time with our Placing Family (despite Satan's best efforts to the contrary), of basking in good fellowship with other friends, and with making new friends as we met the Director of Nightlight (a personal hero for us!), and other Snowflake Families, including another placing family and several adopting families. We are grateful for the gift God gave us in being able to attend. May God continue to richly bless Nightlight and vastly expand its reach.

You may have noticed a new link on the right. Our Placing Family (Genetic Family) has begun a website. It is here. Both they and we have a heart for being transparent about this issue, and for giving interested parties access to both sides of the coin. She invites anyone who is interested to read, and please feel free to share the link with anyone who might be interested. For those of you who read who are our personal family and friends, please realize that this is her blog, with her experiences and emotions. Some of them are negative, and could unintentionally be hurtful to or difficult for Todd and I. Sheila and Beau have been very respectful to us and we have had many lengthy conversations about the kinds of things we share on our blogs. We have pretty much given them carte blanche to tell any part of their story that involves us that they want, including the tough stuff. Please resist the temptation to be defensive for us, and continue to pray for all 4 of us as God takes our story to far greater reaches than we could have imagined. We have a mutual trust and respect for each other and for our respective children, and both a joint and individual dependence on the Lord and ultimately, that's all that matters. God will work out the details. May God continue to strengthen and protect all of us, and take this story wherever He wills.

Lastly, if you did not see the post from a few days ago, we have started a new blog. This blog will continue to exist for Adoption and Infertility related posts. However our personal updates are now on another blog. Please email me if you did not get the link and would like to have it. If you are a stranger, please in your email give me a few details about who you are and please forgive me if I do not feel comfortable in responding.

Octomom and Obama

This blog post is a little bit outdated because the stories are now weeks or months old. I haven't blogged about either issue because they're both very upsetting. Every time I sit down to do it, I just can't bring myself to compose a really coherent post. But I am asked often about my thoughts on both and in fact, the question about my thoughts on Octomom is what led to the news interview.

I digress.

The two issues at hand are that of the woman in California who gave birth to Octuplets after a Frozen Embryo Transfer with 6 embryos (2 of which split), and the decision by President Obama to rescind the ban on the federal funding of Embryonic Stem Cell Research.

The most frustrating part of the story about Ms. Suleman is that there were options other than the one she chose that put both her and her babies in danger. Ms. Suleman says that she transferred 6 embryos at once because her only choice was to do that or to destroy them. That's simply not true. First, if they were her embryos (legally), then no one had the power to do anything with them except her. So they were in no danger of destruction unless she herself chose to destroy them. A clinic cannot destroy embryos without the legal "owner's" consent.

Second, she could have still gone on to transfer all the frozen embryos, but there is no reason that she had to transfer 6 at one time. She could have transferred 1, 2 or 3 at a time, and left the others in frozen storage and then come back and transferred more a later time for future pregnancies. Frozen embryo storage is actually very reasonable in cost: $300-$500 per year--a small price to pay for increased safety for you and your children. There is just no reason she should have put herself and all the children at risk. A pregnancy of 8 is not healthy for anyone, as evidenced by the fact that she could not carry to term and the children were born in to NICU.

Third, if for whatever reason she couldn't have come back in the future for additional transfers, she could have placed her remaining embryos for adoption. There would have been no cost to her, and she could have determined what she wanted in terms of openness or closedness and in the characteristics of the receiving family. Of course it would have been a difficult decision, but it would not have resulted in the destruction of her embryos, which is what she said she feared and why she said she chose to do what she did.

It frustrates me that she made such a risky decision without all the facts about her options. Her doctor should have taken better measures to educate her about her choices. No one should be backed in to a corner and forced to make a decision sheerly out of lack of information.

We ourselves could have suffered a similar fate, because no one really told us that Embryo Adoption was one of our choices. By God's providence alone we went to college 6 miles from the agency that invented it and 10 years ago he tucked news snippets about this new thing called Embryo Adoption in our heads and hearts, and brought them to the forefront when it was time to reveal that plan to us, all these years later. But at no point did any doctor or fertility clinic offer that as one of our options, nor did many of the numerous books I sought out. This issue needs more exposure, period. Families on both sides of the coin need to be educated that this is one of their options. The amount of agencies and clinics that offer it needs to be expanded. Public awareness needs to be raised.

I'm also angry that her doctor would even agree to transfer that many embryos. It was hugely irresponsible. A pregnancy of that many babies isn't good for anyone-the mother, or the children, not to mention the children Ms. Suleman already had who were placed at risk of losing their mother to illness or death. Ms. Suleman said she would carry whatever embryos implanted and for the sake of the lives of the babies, I am grateful that she did not choose a selective abortion (aborting some of the babies to "make room" for the rest). The doctor absolutely should not have agreed to transfer more embryos than could be carried in a healthy pregnancy if all "took" (which they did in this case, and then some!)

I do commend Ms. Suleman for refusing the temptation to abort some of her children. Despite the bad decisions that created the situation to begin with, I am grateful that she chose life for all of her children. I am sure the decision had to be difficult especially because she was carrying 8, so I think that makes her decision that much more remarkable. Well done in this regard, Ms. Suleman.

But back to the doctors. Sheila (our Genetic Mom) and I were talking recently about our clinics and we've come to the conclusion that they hold an inordinate amount of power. Ms. Suleman should have been educated on all her choices. She made a very dangerous decision out of a position of ignorance, and I fault her clinic/doctor for that.

Beyond that, clinics need to assume more responsibility for educating their patients and take less power in the decision making process. In both Sheila and my contracts, the default language for embryo creation, transfer and destruction is "When in doubt, the clinic decides." Language is often vague and technical. Unless a client really pours over it and understands it backwards and forwards, and understands all of the nuances and implications, and exercises his or her right to alter the contract, he or she could be setting him or herself up to allow something he/she morally wouldn't, without even realizing it. I really believe contracts need to be written with the default power in the hands of the client or even with language "when in doubt, we'll stop and ask."

In no other medical situation would a patient just resign himself to "whatever the doctor decides." Sure, if you're on the table and a split second decision is the difference between life and death, the doctor is not going to wake you up to consult you. But in the majority of cases, embryo transfer protocol included, the majority of decisions and decisions about "what ifs" can be made well in advance, and along the way, with input from the patient. If you needed treatment for an ailment, a doctor would review all your different options with you and then you would explore them and make a decision together. There's no reason Embryo Transfer procedures shouldn't be the same.

So while I am frustrated that Ms. Suleman seems to be so glib about what could have been a fatal situation, I place the majority of blame with her doctor/clinic for failing to educate her that she had other life-affirming options.

The other issue assaulting embryos has been President Obama's decision to rescind the ban on federal funding of Embryonic Stem Cell Research. In ESCR, cells are harvested from days-old embryos, thus killing the embryos. Under the Bush administration, federal funds could be used to research on on colonies of cells that had already been established for research, but funding could not be used to create or expand new lines. To clarify a common misconception, Embryonic Stem Cell Research was never banned-it just could not be federally funded. It has persisted in the private sector for many years.

I can't even begin to describe to you the feeling that comes with being told that basically, were it up to the President, your children would be dead in some laboratory somewhere, having been put there against your wishes and using your own money to do so.

It is patently wicked for one person to kill another, and the government has now compounded its own wickedness (can there be degrees of wicked?) by not only allowing the killing, but funding the massacre. The amount of children who die in laboratories will now increase, and my tax dollars are helping that process, and there's not a damn (word not profane-this really is evil, from the pit of hell) thing I can do about it. It makes me ill. Shame on you, President Obama. May God have mercy on you, on us as a country, and on those precious babies.

Beyond the life issue however, Embryonic Stem Cell Research is also a colossal waste of money. It has existed for many years and has never produced a single cure or treatment for any disease. At any time, but especially during a recession, it is fiscally irresponsible to spend so much money on "research" that has no promise. If ESCR were all its cracked up to be, investors in the private sector would be clamoring for their piece of the pie and the ESCR researchers wouldn't have to begging at the door of the Federal Government for handouts. The lack of interest from the private sector is very revealing.

Meanwhile, Adult Stem Cell Research, Cord Blood Stem Cell Research and Pluripotent Stem Cell Research has all been exceptionally promising and none of these methods are fatal to the cell donors. Adult Stem Cell Research has already yielded treatments for dozens of diseases including Type-1 Diabetes, spinal cord injury and Parkinson's Disease. And in fact, in some cases, Embryonic Stem Cell Research has been damaging-even causing tumor growth and cell mutations in some test patients!

The President has forged ahead with his morally and fiscally irresponsible insistence on the pursuit of life-ending and financially wasteful Embryonic Stem Cell Research and the reasons for it are beyond my comprehension.

Moves like President Obama's are exactly why patients need to be educated about their choices (they can do more besides just donate their embryos to science!) and why families (both placing and adopting) need to know about adoption. Especially because the Government will not protect these precious preborn children, we must.

Infant Loss Memorial Service Date Change

Because I've gone back to work, a scheduling conflict was created with our original Infant Loss Memorial Service Date. The new date is Saturday, March 14th at 1:30 pm, at Chandler Bible Church. The rest of the information remains the same. You can see the website here.

Long update, and some thanks and changes

I've sat down to write so many, many times. Sometimes I was prevented by busyness. Other times by fatigue. Other times by fear. Sometimes by sheer lack of anything to say. But, here we go.

First, let me start by saying that I pray you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year.

I haven't written much since we lost the girls and in my silence I've refrained from taking the opportunity to publicly share about the Lord's generosity in ministering to our spirits in our grief, specifically through the tangible actions and gifts of both friends and strangers. Shortly before we lost them, we received in the mail the beautiful Gymboree Snowflake Outfit that I'd posted here before. It was a gift from someone we've never met but who wanted to bless us. I'm still overwhelmed at the thought.

After we lost them, we received countless cards, handmade crocheted snowflakes from our adoption agency, personalized ornaments from my mom, donations and organizational fundraising in their honor to Snowflakes and to other causes from friends and family, ornaments from our genetic family, a beautiful handmade figurine from my college roommate, precious flowers from my mentor and the most beautiful snowglobe I've ever seen with a gorgeous snowflake inside from a dear sister. God has been so generous to us in these tangible acts of kindness. If I've forgotten something, please forgive me.

My biggest fear in losing the girls was that people wouldn't remember them. That the world would never know they existed. That their lives wouldn't matter to anyone but us. That they'd be treated as disposable or replaceable. That they wouldn't be known.

Well, we'll never know them this side of Heaven but God was so generous to us in showering us with tangible acknowledgments of the knowledge that these girls existed and mattered and were loved by so many. That is the most precious gift we could have been given. So to everyone who shared your kindness and time with us in reaching out, thank you. Thank you for honoring our girls and loving us. I wish I could compose myself enough to write something poetic or at least proportionally deep to the amount of emotion I feel but all I can do is sit here and weep at your kindness.

People ask me if I'm over it or better yet. I'm not better yet, and I'll never be over it. They'll always be a part of our story and I never want to be over this. I want to hurt less from it, but I hate the very implication that they're "get over-able."

In truth, I do hurt less from it. The gifts and cards we received were so monumentally helpful in my healing process because they helped me let go of my biggest fear of moving forward. I wish I could explain it better.

I am saddened to report that two of my dear sisters, who were pregnant at the same time with adopted embryos, and one of whom was due the same day as we were, have both lost their precious babies too. Please remember their families in your prayers. Dear sisters, we love you. At least our babies are in good company with each other. Heaven will be one amazing reunion.

My cycle returned last week and I had a final blood draw yesterday so from a medical perspective, the miscarriage is now considered completed and things are back to "normal."

People ask us when we'll try again. We do still have the 10 other babies still waiting for us so we WILL try again...as many as 6 more times (we have 4 pair left and two singletons). But when is a little bit harder to answer. We don't mind sharing, we just don't know. Right now the earliest we COULD proceed with another transfer is sometime in March, but there are a few variables with scheduling because of my job and their major event that month as well as the Infant Loss Memorial and the fact that I will NEVER see Dr. Jerk again so I'll wait as long as I need to to be on the schedule when it's someone else's turn for surgery, so nothing is in stone but we're working toward that end. But it's also possible we'll get to March and not be ready to start again, so we're just taking it one day at a time. A March transfer means we start all the hormone therapy over again next month so that's when we'll need to decide. Right now we're just waiting and enjoying the fact that we don't have to decide yet. We'll see. I'm actually optimistic about it but am trying to take it slowly so that we don't jump into anything.

That's it for all! My fingers are the typing equivalent of out of breath! I'll try to check in again sooner between updates henceforth.

I pray this finds you all well and I offer you my sincerest gratitude for your continued faithfulness, friendship, interest, support, encouragement and prayers.

Love to you all...