How Quickly I Forget

It's amazing. As faithful as the Lord is, I am the most forgetful person in the world. Thankfully, He never forgets to remind me, just the same.

As I mentioned, I spoke to the doctor's office on Friday. I am embarrassed to say that I am very overweight. I have worked over the last year to lose weight, to increase my exercise and to develop healthier habits about food. I have successfully done all of those things, but I admit it's a struggle for me, and recently, I haven't been as diligent as I should have been. As a result of my PCOS, I'm also insulin resistant, meaning my body can't absorb or use the insulin that it produces, and so, since it can't tell it has it already, it just makes more and I get a ton of extra, which is part of why my weight is so bad--it's a vicious cycle. But God has been working on all parts of me, not just my weight. We waited between transfers 1 and 2 while I lost some weight, but we also want to be conscientious about not waiting too long, both for my sake and the babies', so we went ahead with transfer 3.

The woman at the office told me that the human body is very instinctive and primal and insulin going all over the map makes it feel like an animal that is being hunted or is dying. The first thing it does when it feels that way is expel everything unnecessary. The body sees pregnancy as unnecessary to its survival, so too many variations in insulin would cause a miscarriage. I officially started freaking out.

I spent the rest of Friday worrying about every bite I put in my mouth. Was this ok? What about that? When she said to stay away from carbs and sugar, what exactly did she mean? All carbs, or just the simple ones? And did the sugar in fruit count? And were we talking never ever again, or just in moderation? And what about the carbs and sugar I'd already consumed that day and in the days leading up to that call? The whole thing was maddening.

But Saturday morning, the Lord graciously reminded me that HE holds these lives in His hands. He knows how many breaths and minutes they each have. And nothing can thwart His plans for them. Their lives are not at the mercy of me, or my diet. One potato or milkshake cannot put an end to lives the God has designed and willed into existence.

Now that's not to say that I don't bear responsibility in the care of these babies and of myself. Just as we ought not sin with impunity just because God's grace forgives, I ought not eat with impunity, just because He is sovereign. I ought take care of this body God has given me and I owe my babies the fiercest protection I can give them. So I don't under-evaluate the importance of eating well, caring for myself, and overall being responsible. And I believe that the underlying concepts behind what she told me are true.

I firmly believe that many times, God provides us with means within our grasp to tackle our physical ailments. I believe in doctors and medicine and diets and exercise and all that great stuff so don't hear me as saying "sit back and let God do it all." But I also know that running yourself in circles of fear is not what God has for us.

I also know that my doctor's office and I have hugely different worldviews. I don't know if they are believers or not but their practice certainly communicates to me that they believe it is their job to do everything in their power to control every variable. Their perception of their job is to keep me pregnant. And, insofar as their responsibility extends within their God-given talents, they are very good at what they do and I am grateful for skilled doctors and nurses. But the fundamental difference is that no matter what I do or don't do, God has plans for these babies.

I refuse to hand myself right back into the bondage of fear that God's been so gracious to free me of. I refuse to allow my mouth and my stomach and food to wield power over my heart and mind. I refuse to live as though these babies are "maybes" and that God is just sitting there, waiting to push the "yes" or "no" button on another day of their lives, based on what I do or don't do. But man! How quick the devil was to jump in on my thoughts again, through something as well-intended as doctor's advice.

So I'm continuing to take it one day at a time. I am doing some instructive reading on the subject, and I did cut out the empty calories that were nothing more than indulgences, and I'm making a more deliberate plan of action. But beyond that, I just have to continue to meditate on the fact that their lives are in the hands of the one who created them. I can't let the enemy of my soul and of their souls enslave me and them to mistrust, disbelief, and fear. That's far more toxic than a french fry. ;)

How gracious God is being with my forgetful self.

PS: People are asking how I'm feeling. So far, about the same. I am really tired, and I'm noticing some changes how I feel, which is a nice reassurance, but nothing so far that's caused me any discomfort, for which I'm grateful. I feel different enough to feel pregnant, but not badly. Thanks for those of you who asked.

Beta Update

God continues to bless us with good news. My beta today was 240. They wanted it to be over 100. Today was the 11th day past transfer. My beta with the girls was 117 at 10 days past transfer, so this is proportionately, a stronger number. I don't know if that means anything or not, but it was encouraging nonetheless.

My insurance only covers one beta, so we won't learn anything new again until the ultrasound, which will be in 3-4 weeks. I get the date for that on Tuesday. That's when we'll learn if it's one baby or two and I think that's when I get released to my regular OB, too.

They did tell me that that aside from genetic abnormalities with the babies, my insulin going all over the map is my biggest risk for miscarriage, so now I'm trying to be super careful with what I eat and really limiting any starch and sugar. Can you please pray with me that I would make a good transition into doing that? Thank you!

Thank you for your prayers and celebration with us. We know these little lives are a miracle and we give all glory and honor to the God who created them!

And now, just for fun...I picked two because we don't know if they're boys or girls yet, so let's be equal opportunity! :)





Celebrating today...

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear

After we lost our girls, I developed an impression of how I expected to feel the next time I was ever pregnant. I expected that keep my feet up, hold my breath, and live in constant fear that the worst would happen all over again. When you experience loss, it's only natural to fear its recurrence.

So I guess that since I got the positive tests on Monday, I've sort of been waiting for the other shoe to drop in terms of my emotions. I've expected fear to take over and have tried to be on my guard against it.

But God, in His never ending compassion and love and generosity, continues to quell every fiber of my heart and mind and being with His peace. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced. He's truly teaching me what it means to live as though I believe that tomorrow has enough troubles of its own, and so I will rest today in Him. I can truly say that I'm not worried. And it's not that I don't think anything can or will happen. I am fully aware of the fact that God can call these babies home any moment. But I'm also fully aware that if He does, He'll fully sustain us with everything we need to walk through that loss and that He'll use it for His glory and ministry among His people.

I'm a worry-wart and a control freak by nature. So all glory is unto God for this Supernatural peace, for it could not possibly and does not come from within myself.

In the mean time, by and because of His grace, we're concentrating on enjoying the growing life in me and thanking God for each precious day we have. DH kisses both me and my belly hello, goodbye, good morning, goodnight, whatever. It's so cute.

God knows what their futures hold, and what ours hold too. We refuse to let Satan use fear and history to rob us of that confidence and joy.

Celebrating today...

Week 4

I think it's so cool. The little babies, which were invisible to the naked eye just a week ago, are now, at 2.5mm long, visible.

Here's what's up this week:

Fetal development in pregnancy week 4:

By the end of this week the round and pointy ends of your little pear-shaped baby will be slightly more exaggerated and their body will look more like that of a miniature manatee. Despite your baby not looking particularly human without any eyes, ears or mouth, the earliest developments of what will become the larynx, internal ear, and eye lens are already forming, although you’d have to be a trained expert to recognize them for what they’re going to be in the future. Likewise, tiny bumps are forming on your little embryo which will eventually be their cute little arms, elbows, fingers, legs, knees and toes. What’s more your little swimmer will have a teeny tiny tail by the end of this week-- but don’t worry, it’s just the end of their developing spinal cord! A microscopic photo would reveal what seems to be their vertebrae filling out the spine and tail. Although they aren’t bones yet, but rather, the “bone seeds” that will give rise to your baby's tiny vertebrae, ribs and sternum.

And as for why I'm considered 4 weeks pregnant, even though the embryo transfer was just over a week ago:

Pregnancies are actually 38 weeks long, but doctors count them as 40, because the good old fashioned way, women don't know the exact moment their babies enter the womb. So, you just traditionally count 2 weeks from your last period. In essence, they're a free 2 weeks.

So, you have those 2 weeks, plus the 5 days old that the babies already were, plus the week and a half that it's been since the transfer, and you've got 4 weeks :D

I'm one of THOSE moms

Who's going to bore you with all the little details about development!

I find this stuff so fascinating. God truly is the author of life--Who else could create something so complex?

Week 3: Your teeny tiny miracle pear

Fetal development in pregnancy week 3: embryo in first month Although your belly is still the same size and shape as it was pre-pregnancy, a plethora of amazing and dynamic changes are taking place despite this fact. Right now your little zygote is already 1.5 – 2.5mm in size. This is quite a change from the microscopic pack of cells you had just two weeks ago. Your microscopic little one is already composed of three complex “germ” layers: the ectoderm, endoderm and mesoderm. Although you could hardly see them at this point, these layers are the beginnings of your baby's nervous system and brain, stomach and inner organs, and skeleton and connective tissue. Your baby is also starting to take on recognizable physical dimensions somewhat comparable to a very tiny pear. The round part of the pear will eventually become the head and the pointy part will be the spine. Perhaps the best part of this week is that somewhere around the 21st day, your miraculous little pear will have a beating heart, although the heart chambers and valves will not be completely developed for another couple weeks.

3 Little Letters

In the last several years, God's often said "No."

Today, we got these three little letters.



Y-E-S. Three letters, so simple on their own, but so powerful and generous when put together.

It's very, very early. (We did take a few tests at different times to confirm it wasn't a fluke). But it's so early, in fact, that the nurse at my doctor's office advised me to not tell anyone until after my blood test and ultrasounds, because "things might peeter out" and we don't want to go around having to "un-tell everyone."

That's one piece of "medical" advice I won't be taking. Our God is big and generous and these lives are already precious in His sight, and in ours. I don't care if we get to enjoy and bless them for 1 day or 1 million, we are going to celebrate their lives. I shall never regret this wonderful day we've had of telling family and friends, and knowing that so many people love these babies already.

We are just concentrating on enjoying these babies as long as we have them. God knows our hearts' desires, and our worries and our fears too, and we're just leaving them at His feet and celebrating the gift we've already been given and trying not to focus on what we might or might not receive tomorrow. God's grace is sufficient for today, and for every day hereafter. He knows what the future holds and holds it, us, and the babies in His hands. We are simply resting in that.

Our blood test is Friday. I don't know when any of the ultrasounds or anything after that will be. I've tried to be SO hands-off and laid back this time around, that I know surprisingly little about the next step(s) in the process. I don't know how many beta tests he'll do. I have no idea if this doc will do early ultrasounds or if he'll release me to my regular OB, at which point, I'll wait til the standard 8-12 weeks. I have no idea when we'll know if it's one baby or two who implanted.

I do know that if it's one baby, the due date is February 1 (according to the reliable internets ;) ) and if it's two babies, the due date is early January. My accountant husband is of course hoping that the two will be a tiny bit earlier, and give us a tax break ;) Haha! Stay put as long as you want, babies dear.

Thanks for celebrating with us, and covering these precious babies in prayer. We are praising God for exactly the amount of days He has numbered for them. Please pray for us too, that our hearts would continue to be guarded against worry and fear, and that they would be fortified with strength, peace, and trust.

Love to you all!

Why We Chose Open Adoption

We have a very open adoption relationship with the genetic parents of our embryos, Beau and Sheila. We talk regularly, we know each other's full names and contact information, we know about each other's families (and in some cases, have met some members) and we generally approach this entire endeavor as a joint operation. We intend for our kids to know them. Their kids already know us. We intend for all of our kids to know each other, and to have as much of a relationship with each other as they want and as is healthy. Neither of us is threatened by the other family. We generally enjoy each other's company. We talk about all aspects of this adoption-our thoughts, our feelings, our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our regrets, our desires... and we also talk about other stuff, completely unrelated to adoption, simply because we like each other.

We know that we're abnormal, even as far as open adoptions go. Even open adoptions are not usually in as much contact as we are.

We get asked why we chose open adoption, so I thought I'd share.

The background is that when we started, open adoption terrified me. Petrified. I had the picture that the media and the Law and Orders of this world paint--co-parenting or the kid runs away to live with his "other" family, or one day the other parents wake up and change their minds and take our kids away. And I'm sure that once in a very blue moon, those scenarios happen. But, they are NOT the norm and they should not impact your decision on whether or not open adoption is right for your family.

But over a lot of prayer, reading, education, and talking with a lot of different adoptive families, some open and some closed, we came to the conclusion that Open was what God was fashioning for our family.

Specifically, and in no particular order:

We never want our kids to feel like a part of them is missing. I have no contact at all with an entire side of my family, and I always feel uncomfortable with that. I feel like there are parts of my past that are just "off limits." Now in my case, I don't WANT to know those people, but I still don't like the feeling of this "other" out there. We never want our kids to have to question, "I wonder what would have happened if..." or "I wonder what I would be like if..." or "I wonder what they're like..." We believe strongly that this sets our kids up strongly with a temptation to resent us or Beau and Sheila, or both, for keeping that kind of information from them. It may turn out that our kids have no desire to know Beau and Sheila--I've heard of adopted kids who have no interest in their birth parents. But we think that's the kids' decision to make, not ours. We want to do our best to make sure the kids have everything the ever think they need in putting together the picture of their lives.

We think it will mitigate struggles with the kids, especially in their teen years. If they know Beau and Sheila, there's no, "I bet my REAL parents wouldn't do this or that..."

We want our kids to know that Beau and Sheila love them very much. We never want them to think that they were unwanted, or unloved, or second-best to the children Beau and Sheila are parenting. And even though we could tell them those things until we're blue in the face, it's different when it's coming straight from the source.

We want to have access to our kids' genetic medical heritage, if it's ever needed.

We want all of the kids to know each other.

We think introducing the kids to them at a young age normalizes it. If it's all they ever know, there's no light switch at age 18 or 21 or whatever. It's not abnormal if they've never known differently.

There are other reasons, but those are the main ones. The bottom line is that we thought that it was the best decision for our children, despite any misgivings or fears we may have had. Over time, as we've gotten to know them, God has really confirmed and affirmed that decision.

We know that things will ebb and flow with different seasons and at different times, each family or family member may be more or less able to handle certain parts of this dynamic, but that's why we think our foundation of communication and honesty is so important. When we first got pregnant the last time, Sheila was able to say "hey, I need to process this alone for a while-I'll be back in touch when I am able" and because of her honesty, we didn't needlessly hurt her, nor did she have to feel weird about enforcing her boundaries.

I want to stress that this is NOT co-parenting. Though DH and I have not had opportunity to do MUCH parenting, we have had some. Every decision we've made about medications, transfers, doctors, procedures, thawing, freezing, etc, has always, always been completely our decision. Sheila and Beau have volunteered to be a resource if we ever wanted them to be, as people who have been through this before, not as the genetic parents. When we got pregnant, they celebrated OUR pregnancy. When we miscarried, they mourned OUR children with us. We named our girls, we made plans for future transfers, we made all of our decisions, completely and autonomously (from them, obviously not from God). They are very good at respecting us and our boundaries and affirming that they believe as much as we do that these are our children.

Sheila and I know we're unusual, even among open adoption families. We know that seeing both sides of the same coin, cooperatively, is rare.

So we want to give you the opportunity to interact with both sides of the story. We want to give you the chance to ask any questions you want, and we'll post the answers here in a Q&A post. The questions can be about anything related to EA--they don't have to be specifically related to open adoption. And She and I are comfortable enough that we can answer questions that people might think would hurt the other one's feelings (like if you want to ask her something about what it was like to place with us or something like that). So, whatever you want to know about Embryo Adoption, from one or both of us, now's your chance.

To ask a question, just send me an email. Please include your question, who it's for (Sheila, me, or both of us), and how you'd like to be referred to on the blog when I write "So-and-so asked...." If you have a confidential question, note that in your email and one or both of us will reply via email. Otherwise, we'll assume it's public. Please also know that this same Q&A, in whole or in part, may be posted on Sheila's blog if she chooses.

Sheila and I are really excited about telling our story and we think God can use it to really grow Embryo Adoption. So please, ask us ANYTHING you want! :) We really are looking forward to this.