Appointment Update

We had another OB appointment yesterday. The doctor could not find the heart by doppler, so we got another ultrasound (you can hear my disappointment, right?) We saw baby's head and torso, spinal cord, heart, arm, hand (and fingers), and foot! Baby was sucking his or her thumb-it was SO cute. We are SO in love.

Unfortunately, we tried to record it and because we thought we were, the doctor didn't take any still images, and we didn't realize until it was all over that the recording didn't work either, so I have no images to share with you, but I can just tell you it was amazing. He said baby looked great.

Our next appointment is in 4 weeks, and then after that, we'll have an ultrasound to determine gender! I can't believe that in a month, we'll know if baby is a boy or a girl!

The doctor did give me the mail order prescription. It was a little more difficult to get him to also write me a short supply prescription to pick up at the local pharmacy while I wait for the mail order. He prescribed me a 5 day supply with 1 refill. I picked up a 7 day supply yesterday. So I just have to pray that the mail order one arrives within 17 days.  It wasn't the total flexibility and stress relief I was hoping for, but it was not the fight I anticipated it would be, either. Thanks for your prayers!

We went to a U-Pick Orchard this weekend that is about 4 hours south of here. It was wonderful to be in cooler weather, the wonderful sunshine and beautiful scenery. We took this picture. Baby is supposed to be about the size of a navel orange. The orchard didn't have any oranges, but their peaches were enormous! So we chose a peach that was about the same size as a navel, and took this picture :) This kid is going to soon find out that his/her parents are completely cheesetastic!

The Tough Part of Open Adoption

We have a pretty unique relationship with the genetic parents. We "met" online in an infertility support group before either of us knew what God had in store for us. Eventually they approached us about adopting their embryos. We met in person, mutually agreed on the match, and went forward from there. That was in the summer of 2008. I had a transfer that fall, got pregnant, and miscarried. Then we took a year off and had another transfer in December of 2009, that didn't work. That brings us to now, 2 years after we matched. We've been told by our program that the relationship between our two families is the most open of any of their matches.

Because my first pregnancy was so short (just under 6 weeks), and the second transfer didn't result in a pregnancy, we'd only ever made it so far along in the process of navigating these waters. The last two years were relatively easy in our relationship, because there wasn't a baby to complicate things. Most families don't have two years to get to know each other before things start changing dramatically.

That's been good and it's been bad. Two years to really build a bond between our families has been great. We've built a tremendous relationship of  honesty and vulnerability. The downside is that we've had two years to get used to the status quo. Beau and Sheila only had to go so far in their grief journey so long as the babies were still frozen, and we only had to go so far in our learning process so long as our only parenting decisions were about embryo storage and medical procedures.  Now that there's a baby on the way, it's pushed us all deeper into our respective journeys, and it's been admittedly, difficult.

The hardest part of being an adoptive parent in an open adoption relationship is feeling like there is always going to be this other party watching us and approving or disapproving of our decisions. While Sheila and Beau are wonderful and they don't actually make us feel like we're under the microscope, the knowledge that they are the genetic parents is always there in our subconscious. The other really tough part is knowing that our joy comes at the expense of their pain. That's really, really hard to wrap your head and heart around. again, Beau and Sheila have never made us feel this way and have even tried to absolve us of feeling responsible, but there's just some feelings that exist, regardless of the facts and all efforts to the contrary. Beau and Sheila could say one thing until they're blue in their faces, but I will still always feel this other way. We all, Beau and Sheila included, believe that these children were always intended to be ours. But, no matter how you slice it, the fact is that these are our children because Beau and Sheila couldn't keep them. They didn't create them, intending to place them with someone else. They fully intended to parent these children when this journey started. That's just tough to swallow, for everyone involved. And to a certain extent, I think our feelings are appropriate because we always DO want to be mindful of what they are going through.

Sheila has used words like "anger" and "grief" to describe what they're going through, and I can't even begin to fully grasp what they are experiencing. But, I was finding that the more I tried to understand, the more I felt responsible, and even guilty.

The end result was that we were both walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting the other. I was trying to maintain the delicate balance of including her in the details because she wanted to know them, without wanting to "throw" my pregnancy in her face. She was trying to be honest with her feelings, while still not burdening me too much.

So, we've decided to take a break from communicating with each other. The bottom line is that where we are each are two such polar opposites that they can't really coexist right now if each person is going to be able to fully grasp what they're experiencing without feeling the need for censure or restraint. We've decided that it's probably a good thing that most families don't have communication during this part of the process; the genetic parents need time to grieve fully without feeling like they'll offend the adopting parents, and the adopting parents need time to fully embrace, celebrate and enjoy their pregnancy without feeling like they'll upset the genetic parents.

I will send updates on how the pregnancy is going to the agency, and when they are ready, Sheila and Beau will retrieve the information from them.

All 4 of us are still fully committed to an open adoption, and we know that this is just a season. Their grieving will eventually subside, and we will settle into a place of comfort in parenting. We'll reestablish contact when both of us agree that we could handle it.

The breaking away is painful, but we all agree that it is best for our respective families. The downside of an open adoption is that you get to see the tough stuff too. It's hard to know that someone is out there hurting, and you can't do anything about it. It some ways, an anonymous placement where we wouldn't know a thing about what the GPs are experiencing would be "easier." But I wouldn't trade that ease for the authenticity and vulnerability we have among our two families. It has been a wonderful gift to both our families, and we all think it will be a wonderful gift for all the children involved, too. We just need to be mindful of not biting off more than we can chew at any one time, so for now, we're each giving each other space to adapt. We'd love your prayers for each of us as we deal with our own journeys.

14 and 15 Weeks

I missed posting the 14 week update, so I'll post it here, and then double up with the 15 week one!

Week 14:

Isn’t it glorious? You and your little buckaroo have roped your way right into trimester numero dos! Are you ready to rock!? Okay, okay… maybe just a little rolling and poking. Needless to say, your baby will definitely be making themselves known in the upcoming weeks. At about 3.5 inches long, their little body and limber limbs are coordinated enough for loads of complicated motions. In fact, their whole body is moving right now! You're not feeling it because their current size is still a bit too small to make an impact you'd recognize. Still, their movements are recognizable on an ultrasound. Speaking of which, you should be scheduling one with your health care provider! Week 16 is the classic date as you can usually determine the gender. Your baby is also starting to develop the ability to move their eyes this week, although the eyelids still remain fused shut. What's more, they can make all sorts of fun facial expressions as they practice squinting, frowning, and grimacing. Cute development of the week: their little hands can grasp at things and they may already be sucking their thumb!

Week 15:

Your nearly four-inch long gymnast is happily mobile inside your womb and if you're really lucky, you’ll notice a point when your sneezing, coughing or laughing results in a little kick here or a poke there. Still, many women don't feel anything until the 17th week or later. Although the poking and kicking isn't very charming during sleeping hours, it’s a good sign as it means your baby is actually reacting to outside events. Yay! You’ve got yourself one active healthy baby! Their little elbows and knees are bending more freely this week and their little legs are finally growing longer than their arms and getting pumped up for prenatal Richard Simmons. Many of their major organ systems are increasing in capacity—particularly that amazing tiny heart and complex circulation system, which is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood per day, and will increase to a very impressive 200 quarts per day by the end of the pregnancy. As far as hair goes, we’ve got some new scalp patterns beginning to develop on the head, although actual head hair is not yet present.

One Day at a Time

Zofran update day 4: Oh my goodness, I didn't realize it was possible to feel this normal while pregnant. I feel like I have regained at least several hours per day where I feel human. I'm still queasy sometimes and I still vomit several times a day but the huge difference now is that it's once or twice per occasion, and when I'm done, I feel better. Before, it was just constant 24/7 nausea, and when I vomited, it was over and over and over again until my stomach was empty and I was dry heaving, and then I still felt queasy when it was over. If you feel like this, it's NOT normal. I struggled so much with trying to decide between how much was goes-with-the-pregnancy-territory sickness, and how much was abnormal. Believe me, I was in the abnormal category. I've talked to two HG mamas, who both say I sounded like they did, and none of my friends who had normal pregnancies experienced anything close to what I did. So I guess I can just say that I wish I'd spoken up and asked for help much sooner.

Now, here's the tricky thing. The doctor prescribed 30 pills, and said I could take one every 6 hours. If I take them round the clock, that's 7 days of pills. The first day I was on it, I was still really sick, so I was taking 8mg (which I confirmed was safe through multiple authorities, though I didn't call my doctor). Every other day, I've pretty much been fine with 4. However, doubling up that first day puts me running out of pills one day early. We're going out of town tomorrow and I wanted to fill my prescription before we left. The pharmacy responded that insurance won't cover a refill until Sunday. (However, if the prescription had been larger in the first place, they would have filled that just fine--go figure).

I have the refill left so I could get it on Sunday. The problem is that I want a larger prescription from him on Monday. So if I fill on Sunday, I can't fill the new one on Monday. And then having that little prescription puts me in the exact same boat of running out a week later, while we're on vacation and he's on his honeymoon. So I guess what I'm asking is for your prayers that the 12 pills I have left will take me all the way until Monday afternoon, and then that he will give me a larger prescription at our late afternoon appointment? Honestly, I'm just so frustrated that I had to waste so much time on drugs that didn't work before he'd even prescribe the Zofran, and now I feel like I'm having to fight to get what I need.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my doctor. I really respect him and one reason I like him is that he's very non-interventive in the birth process. But unfortunately, he displays that same aversion to intervention in this area, when I really *need* him to intervene. And I lose my nerve in being as assertive with him as I need to be (on that note, I'm thinking of hiring a doula so I don't chicken out in the hospital in enforcing what we want) because I don't want to feel like a pest to him.  And as I said, I downplayed how sick I was for the same reason. So his conservativeness and my under-assertiveness is a bad combination.  Would you just pray that I get through this weekend, that Monday goes well and that we can finally come to an end of this conversation? But in the mean time, I'm just trying to focus on getting through one day at a time.

Thank you for all your prayers. I truly feel like a different person and I'm so, so grateful to have found something that works. I feel better than I have through almost the entire pregnancy. I still notice that I'm susceptible to smells, to too much up and down movement, and to hunger, but honestly, this is much more how I *expected* to feel in pregnancy, so I don't find it to be too bothersome.

I still haven't ventured too far into normal food land. I still eat a lot of cereal and smoothies. Last night I still lost toast and tonight it was potato that did me in, so my stomach isn't strong yet, but at least it's keeping something down. I find that I'm really really hungry after all this, so I just have to pace myself and not eat everything in sight, just because I momentarily feel like I can. Baby steps, one day at a time... Praying I can soon add a lot of good food back into my diet though.

Update: Zofran Day 1

I've been on Zofran now for 28 hours. In that time, I've vomited twice, and it was just about half an hour ago, so I went 27 hours barf-free. And even the fact that it was only twice instead of over and over and over again was a huge difference.  Before that, I hadn't kept a single bite of solid food down since Friday, so this feels marvelous. It's amazing what milestones you'll celebrate.  I had not gone more than several hours without vomiting in weeks. My muscles are starting to relax a bit. I've sat in a chair and rested all day. I sort of don't know what to do with myself since I haven't had to run to the bathroom every ten seconds!

I'm still very very queasy so I still don't do or eat a lot, but at least I'm not constantly heaving, and losing everything I eat, so I'm very grateful. At least for now, this seems to be working. I was prescribed 4 milligrams of generic, to take every 6 hours. But I also know that my doctor is very conservative. My friend who is a nurse said at her hospital, they administer as much as 8mgs every 4 hours. So I take 1 pill every 4 hours as a compromise, which is usually about the time I feel the effects of the first one wearing off. It's so much different than the other two. The Reglan worked but wore off quickly, and its lifespan of effectiveness was growing increasingly short. Phenergan was awful and just gave me GI issues, while doing nothing for the NVP.  I've only been on the Zofran a day so I can't pledge my allegiance yet, but I do already notice a huge difference in the way I feel.

I guess my only piece of advice is to be a assertive with your doctor with what you need. I feel like I wasted a lot of time trying stuff that wasn't working because I didn't want to keep "pestering" my doctor. I downplayed how sick I was, and he responded accordingly. When I did ask for Zofran specifically, he gave me some information about my insurance company that turned out to be inaccurate and I didn't know until I called, a week later--my current insurance does cover it, and as much as he prescribes so I could have started with it.  I still don't like having to take anything, but I couldn't go on the way I was.

On that note I do have a specific prayer request. Our insurance changes on August 15th.  Diana has the same provider that we do, and she said that they only cover 12 pills a month. She was able to get a special exception when her doctor filled out a form from the insurance company. The problem with this is that my doctor is getting married on August 14th, and then going on his honeymoon (woohoo for him!) So when I become a patient, he won't even be in town.  The script I have currently will only last 1 week, and he only gave me one refill. It's possible that my new insurance will cover it without problems, but I don't want to get stuck while he's gone. So at our regular appointment on Monday, I'm going to ask him to write me a 90 day prescription that I can get filled under our current insurance, so then I don't have to worry about it. I'd love your prayers that he would help me with this.

On another note, DH and I are going on vacation! We try to get away at least once a year, and we've been saving our Christmas money, anniversary money, and leftover budget money to get away. We're either going to Arizona North Country to see Sedona and the Grand Canyon, or we're going to San Diego, depending on how well my tummy is doing then. We prefer San Diego because we love the beach, but we'll just have to wait and see what baby chooses :) We've got some tough stuff happening in our marriage right now. I don't want to be more specific than that, but I'd appreciate your prayers for us. I'm praying that the time away and alone will be really restorative.  A couple from church has come along side us to help us, which has been a Godsend. But I think the time just the two of us will be good, too.

For those of  you who like Jamba Juice, I googled this weekend to see if I couldn't find a recipe that would be close to theirs, to hopefully save on some money.

I usually get the Peach Pleasure, which, on their menu is: "A refreshing mix of peach juice, peaches, bananas and orange sherbet."

I found this recipe:

8 oz. cold Peach juice (not nectar)
1 c. frozen peach slices
4 scoops Orange sherbet
1 small banana (ripe)
ice (optional)

makes 2 large glasses

I threw it all in my trusty Vitamix and it came out pretty darn close to the original. I think I actually liked it a little better. We couldn't find straight peach juice, but in the refrigerator section, Dole has a juice that is Orange Peach Mango so I used that.  It's very yummy!  And this way, we were able to use a low fat sherbet, and this juice has no added sugar.

So, some of you may recall that last year on vacation, I traveled with my mini crock pot. If we go to San Diego, our Vitamix is going this year too, along with our Griddler (thanks, Woot.com!) so I can make my safest foods: smoothies, toast, oatmeal, and pancakes (notice a carbtastic pattern here?). We found this darling little hotel that has a little kitchenette in the room, so we're just going to go play house. But seriously, who else travels with an arsenal of kitchen gadgets? Wonder what I'll add to the list next year!

Anyway, it's time for a nap! Thanks for your prayers for some relief. I've definitely received some!

Emesis

Emesis. That's the "pretty" word for vomiting. And I've got (done?) a lot of "emesis" (emessising?)

People are so sweet. They always ask me how I'm feeling. I've gotten to the point where I hate answering it, because I feel like my answer would either be a lie or a complaint. I mean, who really wants to hear, "I still feel terrible, I vomit all the time, and if not for my blubber, I'd have 6-pack abs from the workout my core muscles are getting from all this puking!"

But that's the truth. I physically ache from vomiting so much.  I thought about it this morning, and the only thing I've not thrown up a single time is my trusty Jamba Juice smoothie. Seriously. Every other food I've eaten in the last 12 weeks, I've thrown up, at least once, and in most cases, more than once. Healthy food. Junk food. It doesn't matter; it's all the same. And actually, the junk food stays down a little better. Go figure.

That's one of the things that's made finding something that works so hard. I'll find something, say, toast or yogurt (both pretty benign) and I'll do ok so I'll think "great! It's safe to eat toast!" Then, without fail, I'll eat it again one day and the toast will make an encore appearance shortly thereafter. It's gotten to the point where I hate to eat. I'm afraid to eat. Every day I have the conversation with myself: "Which desire is stronger? Hunger, or the desire to avoid vomiting again?"  I measure what I eat by "how much will this hurt coming back up?"

Yet, I can't actually say that to anyone. But if I say, "I'm fine," I'm totally and completely lying.

I'm having a tough time managing this. I second guess myself all the time. I ask, "Am I really that sick?" I feel like a total wimp. But other days, I can freely admit, that yes, I really am that sick. Today's count is at least 10 (now 15) times. But then I think to my friends who've had hyperemesis gravidarum and I think, "at least you're not that sick, so suck it up!"  But when I called Diana (who had HG) today and described what I'm experiencing, she said that I DO sound as sick as she was.  So, I just don't know. I want so badly to take this gracefully, but I'm just exhausted of everything. The simplest tasks and the most benign foods make me sick. I can't even do the dishes or sweep the floor because the bending over to stand back up action makes me ill.  I even wake up out of a dead sleep to throw up.

I'm just really struggling. I didn't know this would be this hard. And from what I can determine, it's at least somewhat harder for me than for others. And I'm struggling with that too. As much as I'm ashamed to say it, I sort of felt entitled for some part of this to go easily! And if it can and does go easily for some, why am I not one of them. I feel like I already did 6 years of hard. So anyway, I wanted to write more but we're running late to go meet my ILs. They offered to cancel, but I'm tired of canceling engagements because of feeling crummy, so we're going.

I'd sure love your prayers. And to those of you who ask how I'm feeling--thank you. I really don't mind being asked and I don't want to sound ungrateful. I just don't know how to answer you.

And thanks, sweet Diana, for your wonderful generosity of time and wisdom. Thanks for validating me and listening to all my gory details!

Updated: Well, I'm back. Sitting still in the recliner, trying to keep down the few bites I had. Bah. Updated about 5 seconds later-I've now lost all that, too.

To answer some questions I got on here and fb: I've been on Bendectine, Reglan and Phenergan. Bendectine was totally benign. Reglan helps a little, but doesn't last long enough. Phenergan makes me more sick. I've asked to be put on Zofran (which is what they give chemo patients for nausea and has become standard practice for severe NVP), but my doctor insisted I try the other 3 first. I am praying that when I call tomorrow, he'll prescribe the Zofran, and that it will work!

It's just messing with my head. I'm struggling to be grateful for and enjoy this pregnancy.  It used to be that I had a couple good days, then a bad day. But now, it's becoming a couple good HOURS, followed by lots of bad days. I can't understand how I'm getting worse, though it should go away with second trimester. So it's just got me down. I feel totally worthless to Todd, who pretty much does everything, save for my mom who comes up every couple of weeks to clean the house.  I read stuff like what's in my last post about how important good nutrition is for baby. Want to know what I've eaten that's stayed down today? Jamba Juice (consisting of juice, sherbet and fruit==all sugar, and golden grahams=more sugar) Updated like 5 seconds later--nope, the Golden Grahams are gone, too.  Everything else has come up, including the salad, chicken, soup, cheese and bread I tried to eat. I'm not getting good nutrition. Baby's not getting good nutrition. And I feel so tremendously guilty about it.

So, I'd just love your prayers for some relief, and moreover, some restoration to my attitude and spirit and strength.

Thanks, friends.

Week 13

Bye, bye, first trimester!

This is your final week in the first trimester and your little weed continues to grow and grow and grow. Of the three trimesters, this one has been the most important for your little one’s development. Assuming you’ve carefully adopted a healthy diet, continue to exercise and get ample rest, your little one is set up perfectly for even more growth and development in tri-two! Way to go! He or she now weighs about 2.5 ounces and is roughly 3.5 inches in length. Little hairs, known as lanugo, will start to cover their body this week, as their sense of taste and smell are further refined. Their cozy little amniotic sac is also increasing in size and mass as it continues to fill with more fluid.