Sunday, August 1, 2010


Emesis. That's the "pretty" word for vomiting. And I've got (done?) a lot of "emesis" (emessising?)

People are so sweet. They always ask me how I'm feeling. I've gotten to the point where I hate answering it, because I feel like my answer would either be a lie or a complaint. I mean, who really wants to hear, "I still feel terrible, I vomit all the time, and if not for my blubber, I'd have 6-pack abs from the workout my core muscles are getting from all this puking!"

But that's the truth. I physically ache from vomiting so much.  I thought about it this morning, and the only thing I've not thrown up a single time is my trusty Jamba Juice smoothie. Seriously. Every other food I've eaten in the last 12 weeks, I've thrown up, at least once, and in most cases, more than once. Healthy food. Junk food. It doesn't matter; it's all the same. And actually, the junk food stays down a little better. Go figure.

That's one of the things that's made finding something that works so hard. I'll find something, say, toast or yogurt (both pretty benign) and I'll do ok so I'll think "great! It's safe to eat toast!" Then, without fail, I'll eat it again one day and the toast will make an encore appearance shortly thereafter. It's gotten to the point where I hate to eat. I'm afraid to eat. Every day I have the conversation with myself: "Which desire is stronger? Hunger, or the desire to avoid vomiting again?"  I measure what I eat by "how much will this hurt coming back up?"

Yet, I can't actually say that to anyone. But if I say, "I'm fine," I'm totally and completely lying.

I'm having a tough time managing this. I second guess myself all the time. I ask, "Am I really that sick?" I feel like a total wimp. But other days, I can freely admit, that yes, I really am that sick. Today's count is at least 10 (now 15) times. But then I think to my friends who've had hyperemesis gravidarum and I think, "at least you're not that sick, so suck it up!"  But when I called Diana (who had HG) today and described what I'm experiencing, she said that I DO sound as sick as she was.  So, I just don't know. I want so badly to take this gracefully, but I'm just exhausted of everything. The simplest tasks and the most benign foods make me sick. I can't even do the dishes or sweep the floor because the bending over to stand back up action makes me ill.  I even wake up out of a dead sleep to throw up.

I'm just really struggling. I didn't know this would be this hard. And from what I can determine, it's at least somewhat harder for me than for others. And I'm struggling with that too. As much as I'm ashamed to say it, I sort of felt entitled for some part of this to go easily! And if it can and does go easily for some, why am I not one of them. I feel like I already did 6 years of hard. So anyway, I wanted to write more but we're running late to go meet my ILs. They offered to cancel, but I'm tired of canceling engagements because of feeling crummy, so we're going.

I'd sure love your prayers. And to those of you who ask how I'm feeling--thank you. I really don't mind being asked and I don't want to sound ungrateful. I just don't know how to answer you.

And thanks, sweet Diana, for your wonderful generosity of time and wisdom. Thanks for validating me and listening to all my gory details!

Updated: Well, I'm back. Sitting still in the recliner, trying to keep down the few bites I had. Bah. Updated about 5 seconds later-I've now lost all that, too.

To answer some questions I got on here and fb: I've been on Bendectine, Reglan and Phenergan. Bendectine was totally benign. Reglan helps a little, but doesn't last long enough. Phenergan makes me more sick. I've asked to be put on Zofran (which is what they give chemo patients for nausea and has become standard practice for severe NVP), but my doctor insisted I try the other 3 first. I am praying that when I call tomorrow, he'll prescribe the Zofran, and that it will work!

It's just messing with my head. I'm struggling to be grateful for and enjoy this pregnancy.  It used to be that I had a couple good days, then a bad day. But now, it's becoming a couple good HOURS, followed by lots of bad days. I can't understand how I'm getting worse, though it should go away with second trimester. So it's just got me down. I feel totally worthless to Todd, who pretty much does everything, save for my mom who comes up every couple of weeks to clean the house.  I read stuff like what's in my last post about how important good nutrition is for baby. Want to know what I've eaten that's stayed down today? Jamba Juice (consisting of juice, sherbet and fruit==all sugar, and golden grahams=more sugar) Updated like 5 seconds later--nope, the Golden Grahams are gone, too.  Everything else has come up, including the salad, chicken, soup, cheese and bread I tried to eat. I'm not getting good nutrition. Baby's not getting good nutrition. And I feel so tremendously guilty about it.

So, I'd just love your prayers for some relief, and moreover, some restoration to my attitude and spirit and strength.

Thanks, friends.


  1. Praying for you to feel better soon!

  2. I'm so sorry that you are continuing to feel bad, Jen. Hopefully, the 2nd trimester will bring you some much needed relief!

  3. Frankly, Jen, what you have sounds awful. I thought that my own "I feel like puking most of the time, but only actually threw up twice the whole pregnancy" was pretty bad, and what you're describing sounds unbearable. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Did the medication not work out?

  4. Emily-I've been on 3 different medications. The first was totally benign. The second helped a little but doesn't last long enough. The third made me even sicker. There's a fourth, that's sort of the "holy grail" of anti-nausea meds (it's what they give chemo patients), but my doctor wanted me to try the other 3, first. I am hoping that when I call tomorrow, he will prescribe that 4th one now that I've jumped through the first 3 hoops.

  5. Jen... I've been there. It sucks! I've always told people that I HATE pregnancy, but love the outcome. Something that I found helped to keep food down is that I would eat a little, wait for me to throw up, and then immediately after I would finish eating whatever it was that I was eating before. It was the ONLY way to keep down a meal with the boys. It sounds a little strange (shouldn't I want to sulk after puking?), but it worked for me. I would literally throw up everywhere... planters in front of the house, sides of freeways, parking lots of restaurants... wherever I was when I couldn't make it any farther. I was 25 weeks the first time I made it 2 days without vomiting. Don't feel guilty about something that you cannot control. The foods that I could keep down changed dailly. Another thing that I found that helped was laying down IMMEDIATELY after I eat in whichever position made me feel better and watch a movie that would keep my mind off of it.

  6. Jen, bless your heart. I wish I had a good remedy or something for you, but I got nuthin'.

    I do have a cyber hug, a prayer and a promise that once you hold that baby in your arms, this will all seem so small.

    I really think you should talk to your doctor about it again and don't feel bed about feeling bad, you don't occur as a complaint, just a frustrated woman who would like to ENJOY her pregnancy instead of just SURVIVING it.

  7. Jen, I am so sorry. That doesn't sound like fun at all! Since you can keep Jumba Juice down have you thought of maybe trying a whey protein shake? Maybe the strawberry kind? That way you/baby get some protein and some other vitamins. Maybe add some frozen fruit to it so your getting fructose and not the sucrose. Have you also thought of trying the acupressure anti-nausea wrist bands? I have never been pregnant myself but they worked for a friend of mine. A book suggestion: The Morning Sickness Companion by Elizabeth Kaledin. -kriss

  8. Jen, I am soooo praying for you! Hey, I am impressed you could even TYPE the names of the foods without running to the bathroom!! I am so excited that your baby is the size of a lemon now! C'mon cantaloupe!
    Praying for you!!!

  9. Kriss-I've been wearing seabands for weeks. I can't tell if they work or not. I've tried to make whey shakes and to add whey to Jamba Juice-I throw it up every time :(

  10. Oh Jen I'm so sorry you're going through this. You know what...this stinks! Despite all the problems we had with preterm labor, my short cervix, etc...the worst thing of the whole pregnancy was all the barfing. It makes you feel so horrible and I'm so sorry you know all too well what I'm talking about. I hope that this lets up as the second trimester starts and that the rest of the pregnancy is a bit easier. I'm always here to listen and if you ever just want to vent - I'm all ears. I'm also keeping you in my prayers. ((Hugs))

  11. That just plain sucks. I really hope the Zofran works for you so you can enjoy this special time. Thinking of you!