Emesis

Emesis. That's the "pretty" word for vomiting. And I've got (done?) a lot of "emesis" (emessising?)

People are so sweet. They always ask me how I'm feeling. I've gotten to the point where I hate answering it, because I feel like my answer would either be a lie or a complaint. I mean, who really wants to hear, "I still feel terrible, I vomit all the time, and if not for my blubber, I'd have 6-pack abs from the workout my core muscles are getting from all this puking!"

But that's the truth. I physically ache from vomiting so much.  I thought about it this morning, and the only thing I've not thrown up a single time is my trusty Jamba Juice smoothie. Seriously. Every other food I've eaten in the last 12 weeks, I've thrown up, at least once, and in most cases, more than once. Healthy food. Junk food. It doesn't matter; it's all the same. And actually, the junk food stays down a little better. Go figure.

That's one of the things that's made finding something that works so hard. I'll find something, say, toast or yogurt (both pretty benign) and I'll do ok so I'll think "great! It's safe to eat toast!" Then, without fail, I'll eat it again one day and the toast will make an encore appearance shortly thereafter. It's gotten to the point where I hate to eat. I'm afraid to eat. Every day I have the conversation with myself: "Which desire is stronger? Hunger, or the desire to avoid vomiting again?"  I measure what I eat by "how much will this hurt coming back up?"

Yet, I can't actually say that to anyone. But if I say, "I'm fine," I'm totally and completely lying.

I'm having a tough time managing this. I second guess myself all the time. I ask, "Am I really that sick?" I feel like a total wimp. But other days, I can freely admit, that yes, I really am that sick. Today's count is at least 10 (now 15) times. But then I think to my friends who've had hyperemesis gravidarum and I think, "at least you're not that sick, so suck it up!"  But when I called Diana (who had HG) today and described what I'm experiencing, she said that I DO sound as sick as she was.  So, I just don't know. I want so badly to take this gracefully, but I'm just exhausted of everything. The simplest tasks and the most benign foods make me sick. I can't even do the dishes or sweep the floor because the bending over to stand back up action makes me ill.  I even wake up out of a dead sleep to throw up.

I'm just really struggling. I didn't know this would be this hard. And from what I can determine, it's at least somewhat harder for me than for others. And I'm struggling with that too. As much as I'm ashamed to say it, I sort of felt entitled for some part of this to go easily! And if it can and does go easily for some, why am I not one of them. I feel like I already did 6 years of hard. So anyway, I wanted to write more but we're running late to go meet my ILs. They offered to cancel, but I'm tired of canceling engagements because of feeling crummy, so we're going.

I'd sure love your prayers. And to those of you who ask how I'm feeling--thank you. I really don't mind being asked and I don't want to sound ungrateful. I just don't know how to answer you.

And thanks, sweet Diana, for your wonderful generosity of time and wisdom. Thanks for validating me and listening to all my gory details!

Updated: Well, I'm back. Sitting still in the recliner, trying to keep down the few bites I had. Bah. Updated about 5 seconds later-I've now lost all that, too.

To answer some questions I got on here and fb: I've been on Bendectine, Reglan and Phenergan. Bendectine was totally benign. Reglan helps a little, but doesn't last long enough. Phenergan makes me more sick. I've asked to be put on Zofran (which is what they give chemo patients for nausea and has become standard practice for severe NVP), but my doctor insisted I try the other 3 first. I am praying that when I call tomorrow, he'll prescribe the Zofran, and that it will work!

It's just messing with my head. I'm struggling to be grateful for and enjoy this pregnancy.  It used to be that I had a couple good days, then a bad day. But now, it's becoming a couple good HOURS, followed by lots of bad days. I can't understand how I'm getting worse, though it should go away with second trimester. So it's just got me down. I feel totally worthless to Todd, who pretty much does everything, save for my mom who comes up every couple of weeks to clean the house.  I read stuff like what's in my last post about how important good nutrition is for baby. Want to know what I've eaten that's stayed down today? Jamba Juice (consisting of juice, sherbet and fruit==all sugar, and golden grahams=more sugar) Updated like 5 seconds later--nope, the Golden Grahams are gone, too.  Everything else has come up, including the salad, chicken, soup, cheese and bread I tried to eat. I'm not getting good nutrition. Baby's not getting good nutrition. And I feel so tremendously guilty about it.

So, I'd just love your prayers for some relief, and moreover, some restoration to my attitude and spirit and strength.

Thanks, friends.