Part of the way I process grief is to look ahead. It helps me to not dwell on my current feelings. The downside is it can lead me to rush through things, but by in large, it's helpful for me to just keep plodding along.
Naturally, my question is "What now?"
Part of why this is so hard this time around is that it's not just about what I have lost anymore, or what DH and I have lost together. It's also about what Matthew has lost. Last year, his siblings were ripped from him through no fault of his own. And now, two more have died.
Matthew. The sweetest, kindest, most loveable little boy I know. The one who LOVES other children. The one who dotes on his friends with huge smiles and hugs and kisses. The one who would make the most amazing big brother. And I can't give him a sibling, nor could I protect the ones he had already. My poor sweet baby. I hurt so much for him. I feel like he's being punished. I see photos that friends post of their big kids kissing their little babies and my heart just aches. I want another baby, but beyond that, I want him to have a sibling. So very much.
But I kind of felt going into this last transfer like this was it. I honestly feel like there's not enough of my heart left to risk another loss. And even if there was, it seems insurmountable. We've spent over $25,000 through all of this. To go through another Embryo Adoption will be another $10,500. If we go through a traditional adoption, we're looking at another $20,000. It feels insurmountable. I've never been one to be daunted by money when it comes to things of God. I've always believed that if it was in God's plan, He would provide the money for it. And somewhere, I still believe that. I know He was the one who provided the $25,000 we already spent.
But even if He did provide it again, it feels so far away. Like I'm standing at the bottom of Mount Everest, or on one side of the Grand Canyon with the instruction to just jump. And I'm so very weary. Our savings are dwindled, my body is tired from the hormones, and my husband's body is tired from working so hard all of the time. Matthew's not getting younger, and neither are we. By the time we could even round up enough money to do it yet again, it could be months or years from now. It just feels impossible. I know it isn't, but right now I'm having trouble pushing through my fatigue and my heartache to wrap my head around that.
And back to the grief. Even if I woke up tomorrow with a spare $25,000, I just can't fathom enduring another loss. I feel like I've reached my breaking point. Like the grief will consume me. I'm sure it will lessen with time. It always does. And I know that one day I'll see purpose and sense and maybe even ministry in this. But right now? God, it hurts so much.
But God, I want another child.