I'll be AWOL!

My baby shower is this weekend. I can hardly wait. I think that over the last 6 years, the baby shower has become more important to me than I think it would have been if I'd gotten pregnant immediately. It's hard to describe. So much of infertility is about loss and compromise. When you throw in public fertility treatments, even more of that plays into things. There's no spontaneous conception. No surprising your husband. No guessing how far along you are. No cute telling of the grandparents that there's a grandbaby on the way. No breezing through the pregnancy with nary a care in the world. You go through embarrassing moments of grief and feeling overwhelmed. You find yourself crying at silly things and completely unable to handle the "normal" at various points in time. You begin to feel...conspicuous. Abnormal. Even cheated sometimes. A lot about your family building experience feels sterile and clinical.

There's something so, so, so NORMAL about a baby shower. I think that's why it's come to mean so much to me. For this day, I get to be like every other pregnant mommy and Matthew is like every other baby! Just me and my loved ones, hanging out and celebrating him! I just can't describe how precious that is to me. A baby shower is right up there with her wedding and bridal shower as a "landmarks" that a woman waits for--or this woman, anyway. And over 6 years of throwing and attending baby showers, you develop a sort of "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" feeling.

So I'm just super excited. The little girl inside me is screaming "it's finally my turn!!" which has a double meaning in that it is finally my turn, because I finally have a REASON for a turn!! For me, it's not even about the gifts. It's about seeing that people love my son. About rejoicing with people. About the silly games and the yummy food and the laughter and the advice and the hugs. For a person whose love language is time, having an entire morning dedicated to just spending time with people I love is exhilarating. I just can't WAIT.

My dear friend who is hosting it has put so much love and effort into it. I haven't even seen a fraction of what she has planned and everything I've seen so far is just so...me. I'm just blessed that people have spent that much attention to detail in blessing us. I really can't wrap my head around it. It hasn't even happened yet and it's already perfect in my head. It sounds so silly to be so emotional over a party, but it really just feels like a dream come true. I just can't believe that I'm the recipient of it. I just can't understand sometimes that I really have friends like that. That people really love us like that. God is so good to me!

When we were pregnant the first time, my best friend had just moved across the country a few months earlier. I had told DH at the time, "I don't care what it takes, please see if you can get Kim here for a baby shower." I didn't really mention it this time around, because she now has two children, including one who is 3 months old. I just didn't think it would be logistically possible. It was the one part of the shower experience that I was disappointed in. I had so much fun throwing hers and having that memory of enjoying the party together, that I was disappointed that she wasn't going to be able to attend mine. It was just one more of those things on my "lost in the last 6 years" list. So anyway. I sort of had this secret fantasy that we'd be at the shower and she'd suddenly walk in and I'd freak and we'd hug and it would be a total shock. But I figured the chances of that happening were nil. It was confirmed last week when we were talking on the phone and she was talking about mailing my gift (don't know why that was the nail in the coffin for me, but it was. Funny what our brain does to us).

Anyway, DH had told me a few weeks ago to refrain from planning anything for this Friday night because it was reserved for "Date Night." Cool. I thought we might be going to the Botanical Gardens for this Christmas thing they do but which we've never attended because it's always sold out. So I was totally clueless that that's NOT what we're doing.

But last night, DH sort of sheepishly and gently said, "Um, if there are any projects around the house that you want to get done, you might want to do those in the next couple days. And you may want to refrain from making any plans for the next week and cancel anything you already planned." He also randomly asked me the other day where our carseat was. Um...we don't have one yet, dear. That got my mind going. The only thing that would take me out of commission for an entire week that would also necessitate my house being clean was company. My mom is local enough that she wouldn't be coming for a week. The only person I could think of who could/would come for a week was Kim. It also made the carseat comment make sense.

I stewed on it ALL night. I kept thinking, "Oh goodness! If she IS coming, I have a lot to do to prepare. And what about the logistics? And if she's ISN'T coming, I'm going to be disappointed all over again." I tossed and turned over and over.

This morning, DH started teasing "I know something you don't know." Then he wanted me to guess. I told him I didn't want to, because I was afraid I knew and didn't want him to be disappointed if I was right. He pressed, so when he asked again "Come on, where are we going on Friday night?" and I responded with "the airport," I think he was surprised. He played possum for a few minutes but then came clean. He and Kim had arranged this a long time ago. She teases him that they've kept it secret for two months and then he cracked 3 days early. It's ok--I'm the same way. I can keep other people's secrets, but not my own. I love to give gifts so I'm always bursting with excitement and end up spoiling my own surprises.

Anyway, so I jumped up and down and screamed and called Kim until she answered the phone and then I gushed some more. Todd said he was sort of glad I told him I knew because then he got to see my real reaction, rather than my pretend-surprise reaction on Friday night, which apparently, I "stink at." I haven't seen her in a year and a half so this visit is LONG overdue. I guess Kim's DH is taking a couple days off work and her mother in law is helping the rest of the week to watch their son, so that Kim can come. She'll be here for A WEEK! And, I get to meet my brand new goddaughter!

Here's the kicker--I posted on my fb page about the visit, and Kelly (friend who is throwing the shower) said that she and another friend Kim (two Kims) had also tried to fly my Kim out, but DH had beat them to the punch. I was just flabbergasted. Kelly and Kim have done so much already. Kelly is throwing this wonderful party, and Kelly and Kim are also the two ladies who worked their magic to get me to the Women's Retreat. I think their generosity is endless. It certainly humbles and overwhelms me to my core. And my Kim said that Kelly has been so sweet in including her with plans long-distance. I just can't believe I have such friends, such a wonderful DH, such a life. My cup runneth over!

So anyway, Kim will be here, so I probably won't be around the computer much while she is. If I'm AWOL, that's why! I just can't explain how excited I am!

Random, completely off topic tidbit: my heartburn has been AWFUL. Like when nausea doesn't start pukiness, heartburn does. I've tried Tums, and Zantac (not together), and bananas, and milk, and water, and lots of other things and nothing was working. My doctor said I can go on another prescription if I need to (my call), but honestly, I'm so over popping pills! I googled last night and found a suggestion to take Apple Cider Vinegar (eewwww!) But, I was desperate, so I figured I'd try it. There were various "recipes" but the basic seems to be one part ACV to one part honey. Some people dilute it with a glass of water, others add cinnamon or cayenne. A lot of people said a minimum of 2tsp ACV and 2tsp honey. ACV is seriously foul in my opinion so I was concerned about gagging. I decided to do just 1 tsp of each and no water, so it would all go down in one swallow. If I needed more, I could do more but I wasn't going to start with more than I needed. It worked...INSTANTLY! And the honey made the taste bearable. I couldn't believe it! DH (the smart one in the family) gave me some technical explanation of WHY it works (something about acid and base) but all I know is that it DOES work. Word to the wise though--I nuked the honey (actually, agave in my case) for 10 seconds so that it would be thin enough to stir in with the ACV. Then I downed the whole thing like a shot--and proceeded to burn my mouth and throat! :P I forget how quickly sugar gets hot-especially an amount that small! So, don't trade a burning esophagus for a burning throat! :P But if you've got bad heartburn, try that method!

Oh, and please join me in congratulating Jennifer, the newest member of the expectant Snowflake Mommy club. Jennifer and her hubby suffered two failed transfers too before this success so they know the deep pain of loss, the hesitation to try again, and the amazing feeling of seeing that "+" sign finally appear! We're so excited for you guys!

Nighty night, friends!