Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Hi Friends

Hi Friends,
I'm still here. My blog says that 75 people checked this blog today...why, I don't know. But it touches me to know you are all still out there and still care.

To be honest, I am struggling. A lot. I want to be authentic here, but I also want to be responsible with my story, my testimony, and my grief, and right now my heart is so dark, that I don't think it would be wise to put that all out there. I'm trying to take a more "Mary pondered these things in her heart" approach to this. Some of it is self-preservation, some of it is not wanting to be a bad example to others in grief, and some of it is sheer lack of ability to put everything into words.

So, I appreciate that you all have continued to check on me. The miscarriage was pretty physically traumatic. I don't know why it was 10 times worse than the one I had before I had Matthew and I was pretty unprepared.  But, it seems to have resolved itself and physically I am all back to normal. I'm grateful that it all occurred on its own and I didn't need drugs or surgery.

Husband is in about the same place I am. Matthew is pretty unaware of what happened. He did ask me recently if he is still a big brother and that broke my heart. He's also asked twice in the last week why we don't have any kids in our house for him. That's been hard to manage. I don't want to explain too much to him and break his heart more than it needs to be broken.

So, here we are. Thank you for your prayers...


  1. I have been thinking of you and praying. I wish there was something to say, but there isn't. Life is just hard, and it really stinks sometimes. :(

  2. Prayers! May God get you through this :(

  3. Thinking of you and praying. So sorry you have to go through this.

  4. I've followed your blog for a long time. My husband and I did an embryo adoption, too. We lost two of our embryos in an early miscarriage and the other two did not implant. We also have one living three-year-old biological daughter. Your journey has been an inspiration and support to me as through our EA experience (which is now finished, for some of the same reasons yours is), since I share your faith and a very similar outlook on many parenting and adoption perspectives. I am so sorry this chapter has ended this way. I will keep you in my prayers. Hurting with you.