I've sat down to write so many, many times. Sometimes I was prevented by busyness. Other times by fatigue. Other times by fear. Sometimes by sheer lack of anything to say. But, here we go.
First, let me start by saying that I pray you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year.
I haven't written much since we lost the girls and in my silence I've refrained from taking the opportunity to publicly share about the Lord's generosity in ministering to our spirits in our grief, specifically through the tangible actions and gifts of both friends and strangers. Shortly before we lost them, we received in the mail the beautiful Gymboree Snowflake Outfit that I'd posted here before. It was a gift from someone we've never met but who wanted to bless us. I'm still overwhelmed at the thought.
After we lost them, we received countless cards, handmade crocheted snowflakes from our adoption agency, personalized ornaments from my mom, donations and organizational fundraising in their honor to Snowflakes and to other causes from friends and family, ornaments from our genetic family, a beautiful handmade figurine from my college roommate, precious flowers from my mentor and the most beautiful snowglobe I've ever seen with a gorgeous snowflake inside from a dear sister. God has been so generous to us in these tangible acts of kindness. If I've forgotten something, please forgive me.
My biggest fear in losing the girls was that people wouldn't remember them. That the world would never know they existed. That their lives wouldn't matter to anyone but us. That they'd be treated as disposable or replaceable. That they wouldn't be known.
Well, we'll never know them this side of Heaven but God was so generous to us in showering us with tangible acknowledgments of the knowledge that these girls existed and mattered and were loved by so many. That is the most precious gift we could have been given. So to everyone who shared your kindness and time with us in reaching out, thank you. Thank you for honoring our girls and loving us. I wish I could compose myself enough to write something poetic or at least proportionally deep to the amount of emotion I feel but all I can do is sit here and weep at your kindness.
People ask me if I'm over it or better yet. I'm not better yet, and I'll never be over it. They'll always be a part of our story and I never want to be over this. I want to hurt less from it, but I hate the very implication that they're "get over-able."
In truth, I do hurt less from it. The gifts and cards we received were so monumentally helpful in my healing process because they helped me let go of my biggest fear of moving forward. I wish I could explain it better.
I am saddened to report that two of my dear sisters, who were pregnant at the same time with adopted embryos, and one of whom was due the same day as we were, have both lost their precious babies too. Please remember their families in your prayers. Dear sisters, we love you. At least our babies are in good company with each other. Heaven will be one amazing reunion.
My cycle returned last week and I had a final blood draw yesterday so from a medical perspective, the miscarriage is now considered completed and things are back to "normal."
People ask us when we'll try again. We do still have the 10 other babies still waiting for us so we WILL try again...as many as 6 more times (we have 4 pair left and two singletons). But when is a little bit harder to answer. We don't mind sharing, we just don't know. Right now the earliest we COULD proceed with another transfer is sometime in March, but there are a few variables with scheduling because of my job and their major event that month as well as the Infant Loss Memorial and the fact that I will NEVER see Dr. Jerk again so I'll wait as long as I need to to be on the schedule when it's someone else's turn for surgery, so nothing is in stone but we're working toward that end. But it's also possible we'll get to March and not be ready to start again, so we're just taking it one day at a time. A March transfer means we start all the hormone therapy over again next month so that's when we'll need to decide. Right now we're just waiting and enjoying the fact that we don't have to decide yet. We'll see. I'm actually optimistic about it but am trying to take it slowly so that we don't jump into anything.
That's it for all! My fingers are the typing equivalent of out of breath! I'll try to check in again sooner between updates henceforth.
I pray this finds you all well and I offer you my sincerest gratitude for your continued faithfulness, friendship, interest, support, encouragement and prayers.
Love to you all...