Oy vey, I'm so unoriginal. I can't even tell you how many posts on our personal family blog have the exact same title as this post! =P
We went to my OB today. I think that we're coming to the decision that after my next ultrasound and/or the completion of treatment for my newest cyst, we're going to be in the market for a new OB. Part of our frustration comes from the fact that he's Catholic and we're Protestant so sometimes the differences in our approach to the bioethics of reproduction, therapies and technologies leave us feeling judged. I also feel like we don't get a straight answer in cases where he personally objects to the subject (sample collection methods, ARTs, etc). Until now, I've always appreciated that he's Catholic because when it comes to pro-life issues, I am as, or nearly as, conservative as the Catholic church and they've done a spectacular job championing the unborn where the Protestant church has failed miserably so I've often looked to them rather than my own branch of Christianity for guidance. I rested in the knowledge that we could always trust that anything he would recommend to us would be life and marriage honoring. But as we go further up and further in to this journey, we're coming to disagreement on some of the fine points, we're growing increasingly discouraged in our efforts to get solid medical information from him sans religious interpretation. I affirm his desire to practice medicine as a solid man of God but we believe different things on some pretty fundamental issues that is making it difficult for all of us to feel comfortable in this process.
Additionally, he has only been completed with residency and in his own practice for a couple of years so I think both his bedside manner and his experience with IF patients is lacking. Additionally as I've mentioned before, his practice has grown leaps and bounds since we first started seeing him in its infancy, so a lot of the personal care we valued has been exchanged for a "you're a number not a person" system.
On the other hand, I really value having a doctor who errs on the side of life. I really value going in to his office and everywhere from his literature to the art on the walls, marriage and family are honored and valued. We'll never have the experience of walking in to an exam room and finding a wall full of porn magazines, as was our experience at the specialist's office. And from a physical sense, every actual examination and my surgery have been as gentle and skillful as possible, leaving me with less discomfort than I've had with any other doctor. And if we ever did actually get pregnant, bar-none he is who I'd want to do the delivery.
I think where we're at is wanting to finish his treatment for my current cyst, and then move on to somewhere else, but in such a way that the door is open to go back to him if we ever get pregnant. But I'm a huge people-pleaser and I'm a big chicken so I don't want to leave and have him take it personally and for me to feel embarrassed if we come back in the future. So, it's a little ways away but I'd appreciate your prayers as we start to look for a new OB. I'd really love to find a Christian in a private practice that accepts our insurance and which provides the highest level of skill and care. How's that for specific ;)
The doctor did tell me that he does think I can physically carry a child. He did caution us against various risks associated with different procedures and medications bu he does think I can safely carry especially if I continue to improve factors like my weight, diet and exercise. So we were encouraged to hear that. DH was smart enough to ask the question-it had never even crossed my mind. I'm thankful that the answer was positive because otherwise I think I would have been very much caught off guard.
The end result of our meeting today is I think that DH and I are in more agreement on which ARTs we will pursue and which ones are out for us. I feel comfortable with our list. We've been in disagreement with each other about a particular procedure (which is actually the one that gives us the most chance for a biological child) and we've always said we'd defer to the more conservative opinion but I think after our meeting this morning, we are more in agreement than we were before. That's gratifying to me and an answer to prayer for me because I was the more conservative of the two of us. I think I would have always wondered if DH resented that I wouldn't try that one more thing that could make this happen for us. I know his heart and I know he wouldn't have but I think I still would have always felt guilty, though I am at peace with the decision as far as my conscience is concerned. So I am glad that we have harmony now and neither of us has to wonder if we denied the other something.
I'm also glad that we have our list in what I think is its finalized, or close to finalized, form before our next meeting with the specialist in two weeks. I feel like we're much more capable of making a level headed decision now than we were when we first got our diagnosis and than we would be if put again in a similar situation. Now I pray for the fortitude for both of us to stick to that list and if we alter it, may it be for the right reasons!
If you can't tell, I tend to think and talk myself in circles, to the point of exhaustion, so it's really freeing and a huge answer to prayer to have this particular aspect behind us.
Well I've gotta scoot. I'm going to try to fall asleep earlier tonight which means starting that direction earlier.
I hope you all are well! To my blog buddies--I'm WAY behind on catching up. I did a lot of reading today but I only made it partway through my list so I hope to do more tomorrow. Thanks for reading even though I've been a bit of a slacker! Have a great night!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Genesis 2
Our Pastor was teaching from Genesis 2 yesterday. I'm a visual learner so I confess that sometimes my mind wanders during sermons. Yesterday thankfully it wandered while still staying on topic.
The verses read were
Children do not enter creation until after the Fall. Theologically it makes sense that it almost had to happen this way. Otherwise we would have had a third or more perfect person(s) who may or may not have sinned with Adam and Eve. And in Adam and Eve's state of perfection, children were not necessary for labor or provision because there was no work, illness, or aging. They weren't needed to further the human race because Adam and Eve were never to die.
God did bless procreation pre-Fall (Genesis 1:28). So, it stands to reason that children were a part of the Perfect Plan, though He also had foreknowledge of the Fall so He also knew that children would become necessary once death entered the world.
All that to say that this is not a strong theological argument and I don't intend it as such. There are deep implications in both directions when interpreting this passage as a mandate or eternal value judgment on children or no children. I don't think the passage was intended to be any of those things. But at the end of the day, it is undeniable that for whatever reason, children did not enter the world until after the fall, and they became part of both our condemnation and our redemption. (Did not the Lord Christ Himself enter this world as a baby?)
No one can say how a pre-fall creation would have made that unit "More Good," and it is undeniable that children are a blessing. However, it cannot be ignored and it encourages me greatly that God, in His infinite knowledge of all that was and would come to be, declared the two-person family to be "very good."
The verses read were
(18.) Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." (19.) Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. (20.) The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. (21) So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. (22) The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. (23) The man said, "This is now bone of my bones,It occurred to me when I was thinking about these verses that Adam and Eve were perfect and complete in this state. They had no children yet and yet God declared that His creation of them was "good" (Genesis 1:31). Not only good, but very good. The only aspect of all of God's creation to receive this added measure of God's pleasure.
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man."
(24)For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (25) And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
Children do not enter creation until after the Fall. Theologically it makes sense that it almost had to happen this way. Otherwise we would have had a third or more perfect person(s) who may or may not have sinned with Adam and Eve. And in Adam and Eve's state of perfection, children were not necessary for labor or provision because there was no work, illness, or aging. They weren't needed to further the human race because Adam and Eve were never to die.
God did bless procreation pre-Fall (Genesis 1:28). So, it stands to reason that children were a part of the Perfect Plan, though He also had foreknowledge of the Fall so He also knew that children would become necessary once death entered the world.
All that to say that this is not a strong theological argument and I don't intend it as such. There are deep implications in both directions when interpreting this passage as a mandate or eternal value judgment on children or no children. I don't think the passage was intended to be any of those things. But at the end of the day, it is undeniable that for whatever reason, children did not enter the world until after the fall, and they became part of both our condemnation and our redemption. (Did not the Lord Christ Himself enter this world as a baby?)
No one can say how a pre-fall creation would have made that unit "More Good," and it is undeniable that children are a blessing. However, it cannot be ignored and it encourages me greatly that God, in His infinite knowledge of all that was and would come to be, declared the two-person family to be "very good."
Friday, January 25, 2008
Looking for Financial Advice
Hi everyone...
I'm looking for insight from other IF people who have been there, done that.
IF related expenses are stressing me out, and we haven't even accumulated them yet. Our insurance covers diagnostics but not treatment of IF. What that means is all the poking and prodding through now has been covered (except for my wretched HSG!--I still maintain that they should have paid me for enduring that nonsense!)--anyway, it's all been covered as they've tried to determine what the problem is. But once that is figured out, we're on our own, unless there is some other medical reason completely unrelated to conception that would necessitate the problem being fixed (which is where my surgeries for cyst removal come in). But right now I don't know if there's any realistic hope for that scenario if the doctor's suspicion is confirmed.
IVF runs about $15,000.
So does embryo adoption.
So does domestic infant agency adoption.
Any way you slice it, we're looking at $15,000 for a chance at having a child at the end of it.
That's really done a lot for our perspective. With every little luxury, we find ourselves asking "would we rather have this or a baby?" We've really cut down on our expenses and we're saving aggressively.
But this stresses me out on so many levels. First, I can't even fathom that much money. We make decent money for our place in life but it will still take a long time to save that much.
Second, it's hard for me to reconcile spending that much money when it only might produce the desired results.
Third, I have a really hard time not resenting the fact that we have to spend gobs of money on what plenty of other people get for free, including people who don't want it to begin with. I don't think about it often, but on the occasions that I do, it gets the better of me. It just gets me sometimes that this shouldn't be so dang hard. At every turn, there's a new obstacle! Sometimes I really want to ask why can't this just be easy!?
Don't get me wrong. I am not a money person (much to my husband's chagrin). I don't care about the amount. If I had it, I'd spend it on one of those three things and never look back. So it's not that I begrudge the expense itself (and certainly not the end result) and it's not like I'd sit around bemoaning all the things I could have or invest in with that $15000 instead. I've just never been wired that way. That's another of the endless ways DH and I are such a good fit--I tend to care too little about money and DH is a bit too squeaky (his word!!--his motto is "Frugal is fun!") anyway...so we enjoy balancing each other in that regard.
I struggle with wondering how do you balance that with living life? We decided last year that we were going to stop living like we were in a holding pattern. We promised ourselves that we're going to enjoy this season of our life and take advantage of our childlessness and do things that we couldn't do if we were more tied down.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciated this last year of our marriage when we took that to heart and spent time traveling, sharing hobbies, going on dates and really just enjoying each other's company and relishing our companionship. I really cherish that and last year was my favorite year of our relationship. These kinds of things don't always have to cost money, but sometimes they do. Also, we both enjoy giving generously. That's really hard for both of us to give up. We want to continue making trips to see family and friends a priority and that too is hard to let go of.
It's just so hard to find the balance between so many goods!
I'm really not stressed about where the money will come from in the long run. I mean, I am a teensy bit, but I know that if God wants us to pursue one of those three options, he'll provide the means somehow. But I am stressed about knowing that we're walking the road in the mean time in a balanced fashion. Do any of you IF ladies (and gents!) have any practical suggestions? How do you maintain the balance in your marriage between planning for the future and delighting in the season that you're in? How do you manifest that in the tangible areas of life? Did you ever wrestle with the idea of committing so much money to a maybe? How did you reconcile that? Have you regretted any of the decisions you've made?
Right now I'm sort of afraid to move in any direction. I feel wedged in a valley between two insurmountable, mutually exclusive mountains. I'd really love any practical suggestions you have!
I'm looking for insight from other IF people who have been there, done that.
IF related expenses are stressing me out, and we haven't even accumulated them yet. Our insurance covers diagnostics but not treatment of IF. What that means is all the poking and prodding through now has been covered (except for my wretched HSG!--I still maintain that they should have paid me for enduring that nonsense!)--anyway, it's all been covered as they've tried to determine what the problem is. But once that is figured out, we're on our own, unless there is some other medical reason completely unrelated to conception that would necessitate the problem being fixed (which is where my surgeries for cyst removal come in). But right now I don't know if there's any realistic hope for that scenario if the doctor's suspicion is confirmed.
IVF runs about $15,000.
So does embryo adoption.
So does domestic infant agency adoption.
Any way you slice it, we're looking at $15,000 for a chance at having a child at the end of it.
That's really done a lot for our perspective. With every little luxury, we find ourselves asking "would we rather have this or a baby?" We've really cut down on our expenses and we're saving aggressively.
But this stresses me out on so many levels. First, I can't even fathom that much money. We make decent money for our place in life but it will still take a long time to save that much.
Second, it's hard for me to reconcile spending that much money when it only might produce the desired results.
Third, I have a really hard time not resenting the fact that we have to spend gobs of money on what plenty of other people get for free, including people who don't want it to begin with. I don't think about it often, but on the occasions that I do, it gets the better of me. It just gets me sometimes that this shouldn't be so dang hard. At every turn, there's a new obstacle! Sometimes I really want to ask why can't this just be easy!?
Don't get me wrong. I am not a money person (much to my husband's chagrin). I don't care about the amount. If I had it, I'd spend it on one of those three things and never look back. So it's not that I begrudge the expense itself (and certainly not the end result) and it's not like I'd sit around bemoaning all the things I could have or invest in with that $15000 instead. I've just never been wired that way. That's another of the endless ways DH and I are such a good fit--I tend to care too little about money and DH is a bit too squeaky (his word!!--his motto is "Frugal is fun!") anyway...so we enjoy balancing each other in that regard.
I struggle with wondering how do you balance that with living life? We decided last year that we were going to stop living like we were in a holding pattern. We promised ourselves that we're going to enjoy this season of our life and take advantage of our childlessness and do things that we couldn't do if we were more tied down.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciated this last year of our marriage when we took that to heart and spent time traveling, sharing hobbies, going on dates and really just enjoying each other's company and relishing our companionship. I really cherish that and last year was my favorite year of our relationship. These kinds of things don't always have to cost money, but sometimes they do. Also, we both enjoy giving generously. That's really hard for both of us to give up. We want to continue making trips to see family and friends a priority and that too is hard to let go of.
It's just so hard to find the balance between so many goods!
I'm really not stressed about where the money will come from in the long run. I mean, I am a teensy bit, but I know that if God wants us to pursue one of those three options, he'll provide the means somehow. But I am stressed about knowing that we're walking the road in the mean time in a balanced fashion. Do any of you IF ladies (and gents!) have any practical suggestions? How do you maintain the balance in your marriage between planning for the future and delighting in the season that you're in? How do you manifest that in the tangible areas of life? Did you ever wrestle with the idea of committing so much money to a maybe? How did you reconcile that? Have you regretted any of the decisions you've made?
Right now I'm sort of afraid to move in any direction. I feel wedged in a valley between two insurmountable, mutually exclusive mountains. I'd really love any practical suggestions you have!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Legacy
Forgive me as I blubber my way through this. I have no idea what the end result of this post but I feel the intense need to start writing down everything going through my head and heart, so here I go...
I do want to update but there's no good place to put it so I'll start with it and then get in to everything else. Thank you for praying for my illness. I am still sick but I no longer have the fever or the stomach issues and aside from some congestion and fatigue, I'm significantly better. I think a few more days of rest and fluids will see me back to my old self again and in the mean time, things are very bearable.
Back to the thoughts at hand.
Last night I was stewing and I came upon my scrapbook stuff. I've created several scrapbooks over the years, enjoying the creative process and the art of creating but relishing all the more dreams about all the stories I'd tell our children and grandchildren about us and their grandparents and their great grandparents. Last night I was feeling low and in a impulsive moment, decided that the scrapbooks didn't matter and no one would ever care about them because I'd never have anyone to pass them on to. Of the losses of infertility, loss of a legacy was one I hadn't really struggled with or considered before now. Fortunately I did not act on this and they still sit, collecting dust on the bottom shelf of my bookshelf.
Then today I sat and thought of our soon-to-be-born Godson, I cried. I was scouring the internet for patterns and how to videos for knitting or crocheting a baby blanket for him--something I always wanted to do for my own first born. But as I thought about it, I couldn't help but pour my own heart full of the thoughts I wanted to pour in to my own baby's blanket. The love and tears and dreams. I wanted to tell him about all the love in my heart for the child that may never be. I wanted to tell him how much I can't wait to be his honorary auntie. I wanted to tell him that in the absence of my own little heart to love, my heart is full for him and I can't wait to see his little face. I wanted to tell him how much I love his momma and daddy and how lucky he is to have them as his parents. I want to tell him that I can't wait to want his dreams for him and though I can wait an eternity for his heart to break, I want to be there for that too. I want to commiserate with his momma when she's exhausted and cheer with her when he says his first word or gets his first "A" in school. I want to tell him how sorry I am that we may never give him the playmate we 4 (us and his parents) always always wanted for him. (Who am I kidding-we wanted to give him a wife and seal this deal for good ;) ). That darned baby blanket does not even exist yet and already I've smothered my face in to it and bathed in my tears of both joy and sorrow.
Those tears were good. I felt like I went through a good mourning exercise as I processed my thoughts about the soft blue and white blanket that is so much prettier in my dreams that it will ever be in person, provided I can even muster the strength and skill to create it. I had in my head the image of holding that soft fabric in my hands and gently pressing my face into it to smell it and then sobbing quietly. And slowly, that image of that blanket was replaced with the hem of the cloak of Jesus. And I pressed in my face even deeper and breathed deeply of the sweet fragrance of Christ and thanked Him for his healing power in my heart.
I've spent some time in the last few days watching a Beth Moore DVD loaned to me by my sister in law. Anyone who knows me knows that I am *not* a Beth Moore fan. But the subject matter interested me so I asked her if I could borrow it and she mailed it to me. I was thinking today about how much I was pleasantly surprised by the study and even contemplating things I wanted to come here and share.
No sooner was my heart delighting in all those workings of God in the last couple days then my heart was under siege again. Out of nowhere I was thinking of those darn scrapbooks again and the Enemy taunted me with thoughts "You will never leave a legacy. Stop wasting your time. You could die tomorrow and never be missed. Who are you kidding?"
And I confess, I was weak to those thoughts and their lies and quickly I was feeling sorry for myself and for my DH. But God, ever faithful and ever gentle, was quick to rescue me...again. Does anyone ever feel like that's the story of their life? Don't get me wrong--I never want to be in a place where I feel I don't need God, but I do wish I didn't fail Him quite so often.
Anyway, He brought to my heart the song "Legacy" by Nichole Nordeman. And then he brought the J family to my heart. They're a family from the church in which I grew up. I'm about equidistant between the ages of the parents and the kids in the family. S and R (the parents) mentored and loved me throughout my youth and even still in to my adulthood and I poured in to their kids. I love this family with my whole heart and they have a role in my life unlike anyone else. I can't wait to see them when I go home for visits and my heart swells with pride to see the remarkable young adults the kids have grown to be. How privileged I have been to share communion with this family! It occurred to me that I don't share a shred of DNA commonality with these people and yet S and R have left a forever legacy on my heart, and hopefully I've at least left a little one with their kids. They've set the example of love and faithfulness for me, and I realized how much I would have been cheated if I had been denied relationship with them because we're not blood related. How beautiful and rich is it that the family of God is one of adoption and not of biology! I've often pondered that on a cerebral level but tonight it was stirred fresh in my heart.
Tonight I'm tired. Open heart surgery is exhausting! But, I feel like a page has been turned and I'm filled with wonder and a little bit of anxiety and a touch of fear when I consider what this new chapter will look like. I think it's still appropriate to grieve and to acknowledge the losses in this process and to take a moment when the events of life knock the wind out of me. But I hope to begin tomorrow with a fresh perspective. I want to look for the opportunities God does have for us, instead of spending so much time grieving for the ones He has, in His vast plan, chosen to deny. I can't really remember the last time, if ever, I thanked Him for any part of this journey. I've thanked Him for the relationships I've developed such as the deepened relationship with my Sister in Law and with C from church, but I've always placed the infertility itself in its own mental trashcan, awaiting pickup any day. So, I confess this sin of selfishness and ingratitude, and those days when I think I know better. I'm thankful for His patience with me and for His precision in exacting His work in my heart. Slowly but surely, the garbage is being cleaned out, but it's been found in the filing cabinets of perceptions and dreams and entitlements and ideas and attitudes I've held on to for far too long and not in the pile of circumstances I'd mentally discarded as worthless.
I don't know what this new day will look like but I pray that my heart is filled with gratitude and patience as He reveals it to me.
I want to leave you with this song. I pray it encourages you the way it did me.
I do want to update but there's no good place to put it so I'll start with it and then get in to everything else. Thank you for praying for my illness. I am still sick but I no longer have the fever or the stomach issues and aside from some congestion and fatigue, I'm significantly better. I think a few more days of rest and fluids will see me back to my old self again and in the mean time, things are very bearable.
Back to the thoughts at hand.
Last night I was stewing and I came upon my scrapbook stuff. I've created several scrapbooks over the years, enjoying the creative process and the art of creating but relishing all the more dreams about all the stories I'd tell our children and grandchildren about us and their grandparents and their great grandparents. Last night I was feeling low and in a impulsive moment, decided that the scrapbooks didn't matter and no one would ever care about them because I'd never have anyone to pass them on to. Of the losses of infertility, loss of a legacy was one I hadn't really struggled with or considered before now. Fortunately I did not act on this and they still sit, collecting dust on the bottom shelf of my bookshelf.
Then today I sat and thought of our soon-to-be-born Godson, I cried. I was scouring the internet for patterns and how to videos for knitting or crocheting a baby blanket for him--something I always wanted to do for my own first born. But as I thought about it, I couldn't help but pour my own heart full of the thoughts I wanted to pour in to my own baby's blanket. The love and tears and dreams. I wanted to tell him about all the love in my heart for the child that may never be. I wanted to tell him how much I can't wait to be his honorary auntie. I wanted to tell him that in the absence of my own little heart to love, my heart is full for him and I can't wait to see his little face. I wanted to tell him how much I love his momma and daddy and how lucky he is to have them as his parents. I want to tell him that I can't wait to want his dreams for him and though I can wait an eternity for his heart to break, I want to be there for that too. I want to commiserate with his momma when she's exhausted and cheer with her when he says his first word or gets his first "A" in school. I want to tell him how sorry I am that we may never give him the playmate we 4 (us and his parents) always always wanted for him. (Who am I kidding-we wanted to give him a wife and seal this deal for good ;) ). That darned baby blanket does not even exist yet and already I've smothered my face in to it and bathed in my tears of both joy and sorrow.
Those tears were good. I felt like I went through a good mourning exercise as I processed my thoughts about the soft blue and white blanket that is so much prettier in my dreams that it will ever be in person, provided I can even muster the strength and skill to create it. I had in my head the image of holding that soft fabric in my hands and gently pressing my face into it to smell it and then sobbing quietly. And slowly, that image of that blanket was replaced with the hem of the cloak of Jesus. And I pressed in my face even deeper and breathed deeply of the sweet fragrance of Christ and thanked Him for his healing power in my heart.
I've spent some time in the last few days watching a Beth Moore DVD loaned to me by my sister in law. Anyone who knows me knows that I am *not* a Beth Moore fan. But the subject matter interested me so I asked her if I could borrow it and she mailed it to me. I was thinking today about how much I was pleasantly surprised by the study and even contemplating things I wanted to come here and share.
No sooner was my heart delighting in all those workings of God in the last couple days then my heart was under siege again. Out of nowhere I was thinking of those darn scrapbooks again and the Enemy taunted me with thoughts "You will never leave a legacy. Stop wasting your time. You could die tomorrow and never be missed. Who are you kidding?"
And I confess, I was weak to those thoughts and their lies and quickly I was feeling sorry for myself and for my DH. But God, ever faithful and ever gentle, was quick to rescue me...again. Does anyone ever feel like that's the story of their life? Don't get me wrong--I never want to be in a place where I feel I don't need God, but I do wish I didn't fail Him quite so often.
Anyway, He brought to my heart the song "Legacy" by Nichole Nordeman. And then he brought the J family to my heart. They're a family from the church in which I grew up. I'm about equidistant between the ages of the parents and the kids in the family. S and R (the parents) mentored and loved me throughout my youth and even still in to my adulthood and I poured in to their kids. I love this family with my whole heart and they have a role in my life unlike anyone else. I can't wait to see them when I go home for visits and my heart swells with pride to see the remarkable young adults the kids have grown to be. How privileged I have been to share communion with this family! It occurred to me that I don't share a shred of DNA commonality with these people and yet S and R have left a forever legacy on my heart, and hopefully I've at least left a little one with their kids. They've set the example of love and faithfulness for me, and I realized how much I would have been cheated if I had been denied relationship with them because we're not blood related. How beautiful and rich is it that the family of God is one of adoption and not of biology! I've often pondered that on a cerebral level but tonight it was stirred fresh in my heart.
Tonight I'm tired. Open heart surgery is exhausting! But, I feel like a page has been turned and I'm filled with wonder and a little bit of anxiety and a touch of fear when I consider what this new chapter will look like. I think it's still appropriate to grieve and to acknowledge the losses in this process and to take a moment when the events of life knock the wind out of me. But I hope to begin tomorrow with a fresh perspective. I want to look for the opportunities God does have for us, instead of spending so much time grieving for the ones He has, in His vast plan, chosen to deny. I can't really remember the last time, if ever, I thanked Him for any part of this journey. I've thanked Him for the relationships I've developed such as the deepened relationship with my Sister in Law and with C from church, but I've always placed the infertility itself in its own mental trashcan, awaiting pickup any day. So, I confess this sin of selfishness and ingratitude, and those days when I think I know better. I'm thankful for His patience with me and for His precision in exacting His work in my heart. Slowly but surely, the garbage is being cleaned out, but it's been found in the filing cabinets of perceptions and dreams and entitlements and ideas and attitudes I've held on to for far too long and not in the pile of circumstances I'd mentally discarded as worthless.
I don't know what this new day will look like but I pray that my heart is filled with gratitude and patience as He reveals it to me.
I want to leave you with this song. I pray it encourages you the way it did me.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Specialist Update
Thank you all for praying for our appointment today. Overall, my impression is positive.
The first praise is that we like the doctor a lot. He's very personable and seems very knowledgeable and competent. That's a huge relief especially given the personal nature of the treatment--we were really concerned about feeling at ease with him.
The doctor's suspicion is that there is a genetic abnormality. He took several vials of blood to screen for genetic and hormonal conditions. We go back in a month to review the results. From there we will come to a fork in the road. If his suspicions are correct, the next step would be a surgical tissue extraction to review the extent of the condition. If they are incorrect, he will perform additional exams to find another source of the problem. In the latter situation, natural conception would still be possible under some conditions with certain treatments. That is what we're hoping and praying for, and we ask you to join us in praying similarly, but we're also trying to remain realistic as much as optimistic so that we are adequately prepared for February's appointment.
I'm disappointed to have to wait another month before we have any concrete answers but at least we felt that the wait would be worth it with this doctor. I guess that's the price you pay for going to "the Best." I spoke to the Office Manager and she assured me that after this next appointment when we know which course we're pursuing, we can schedule our appointments several at a time so hopefully things can progress more quickly. I am a tiny bit frustrated that blood couldn't be drawn at the same time as the other tests, especially if it's standard procedure, but who knows why they do things in this order.
He also confirmed that he saw no signs of anything serious like cancer or a tumor or anything, which we weren't seriously concerned about but it's still nice to know.
Thanks for praying. Guess we just play the "wait and see" game a little longer.
The first praise is that we like the doctor a lot. He's very personable and seems very knowledgeable and competent. That's a huge relief especially given the personal nature of the treatment--we were really concerned about feeling at ease with him.
The doctor's suspicion is that there is a genetic abnormality. He took several vials of blood to screen for genetic and hormonal conditions. We go back in a month to review the results. From there we will come to a fork in the road. If his suspicions are correct, the next step would be a surgical tissue extraction to review the extent of the condition. If they are incorrect, he will perform additional exams to find another source of the problem. In the latter situation, natural conception would still be possible under some conditions with certain treatments. That is what we're hoping and praying for, and we ask you to join us in praying similarly, but we're also trying to remain realistic as much as optimistic so that we are adequately prepared for February's appointment.
I'm disappointed to have to wait another month before we have any concrete answers but at least we felt that the wait would be worth it with this doctor. I guess that's the price you pay for going to "the Best." I spoke to the Office Manager and she assured me that after this next appointment when we know which course we're pursuing, we can schedule our appointments several at a time so hopefully things can progress more quickly. I am a tiny bit frustrated that blood couldn't be drawn at the same time as the other tests, especially if it's standard procedure, but who knows why they do things in this order.
He also confirmed that he saw no signs of anything serious like cancer or a tumor or anything, which we weren't seriously concerned about but it's still nice to know.
Thanks for praying. Guess we just play the "wait and see" game a little longer.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Specialist Appointment Tomorrow
Our first appointment with the specialist is tomorrow (Thursday) at 1:15. My best friend asked me what I was hoping to walk away with from the meeting. It was a good question, but hard to answer.
I guess my goal is that we would walk away knowing something. I'll be really frustrated if we waited almost 2 months, did the preliminary exam and a really extensive questionnaire only to arrive tomorrow to have a "Get to know you" meeting. My hope is that we did so much ground work ahead of time so that tomorrow would be productive. I know that we won't have all the answers tomorrow but I will at least like for him to have done some examinations and tests to maybe at least starting us down the road of a diagnosis of the source of the problem. I realize test results don't come back immediately, but if he at least administers some of them tomorrow, then knowing something more concrete could be around the corner. So we'd appreciate your prayers that tomorrow's meeting would be productive, whatever that looks like.
In other small news, I was really sick last night. It really just came out of nowhere. Monday afternoon I got a sore throat and I went to bed having taken some Nyquil. Yesterday morning I was ok, but tired and congested. I got home after class and lay down for a nap. I woke up last night violently ill with horrible nausea and prolonged vomiting, and a persistent high fever. The fever broke around 9:00 this morning and I went to the doctor for my previously scheduled insomnia appointment and he took a look at my current symptoms. He gave me medicine for a sinus infection. I didn't have the presence of mind to ask about the nausea and vomiting. My guess is that he'd blame it on drainage but I've never been that sick. Even smells were inducing vomiting. It certainly felt tenfold worse than the drainage-induced nausea I've had before. I did ok today, struggling again mostly with fatigue (I only got about 2 hours sleep last night) and congestion but just this evening I've been fighting the nausea again and I think a fever, too. If you could pray that I could keep food down and get over the stomach portion of this illness right away, I'd really appreciate it.
On a funny note, there was a fleeting moment when I was sitting on the floor with my head over the ivory throne when I thought "good night, is this anything like morning sickness? Why on earth am I asking for this?" I cursed my thoughts and immediately promised God I'd try to happily endure 9 months of morning sickness, but the thought amused me anyway. My thoughts quickly shifted to "good night, is this what a hangover is like? Why would anyone voluntarily do this?" Ah well. Such are the musings of a sick woman who has nothing better to do but think when in such a situation.
Back to the topic of the initial appointment. The doctor put me on a very low dosage of medication that is well established and has very little short or long term side effects, or risk for dependency. He said the only side effects are mild gastro-intestinal. I thought to myself, "You obviously don't know I take Metformin. Gastro-Intestinal Side Effects are my middle name." I resisted. However he did assure me that the two medications shouldn't compound each other. He said that the insomnia is most likely stress related from all the IF stuff because I can associate this most recent vengeful emergence with our November appointment so he wants to take it a month at a time, and take me off of it when my body is retrained and/or life calms down a little. I felt very comfortable that what he was saying was accurate and dependable, and with the big picture in mind. Tonight is my first test--we shall see how I do!
Hopefully I'll post tomorrow afternoon or evening with some productive news! We'd appreciate your prayers as we go in to this!
I guess my goal is that we would walk away knowing something. I'll be really frustrated if we waited almost 2 months, did the preliminary exam and a really extensive questionnaire only to arrive tomorrow to have a "Get to know you" meeting. My hope is that we did so much ground work ahead of time so that tomorrow would be productive. I know that we won't have all the answers tomorrow but I will at least like for him to have done some examinations and tests to maybe at least starting us down the road of a diagnosis of the source of the problem. I realize test results don't come back immediately, but if he at least administers some of them tomorrow, then knowing something more concrete could be around the corner. So we'd appreciate your prayers that tomorrow's meeting would be productive, whatever that looks like.
In other small news, I was really sick last night. It really just came out of nowhere. Monday afternoon I got a sore throat and I went to bed having taken some Nyquil. Yesterday morning I was ok, but tired and congested. I got home after class and lay down for a nap. I woke up last night violently ill with horrible nausea and prolonged vomiting, and a persistent high fever. The fever broke around 9:00 this morning and I went to the doctor for my previously scheduled insomnia appointment and he took a look at my current symptoms. He gave me medicine for a sinus infection. I didn't have the presence of mind to ask about the nausea and vomiting. My guess is that he'd blame it on drainage but I've never been that sick. Even smells were inducing vomiting. It certainly felt tenfold worse than the drainage-induced nausea I've had before. I did ok today, struggling again mostly with fatigue (I only got about 2 hours sleep last night) and congestion but just this evening I've been fighting the nausea again and I think a fever, too. If you could pray that I could keep food down and get over the stomach portion of this illness right away, I'd really appreciate it.
On a funny note, there was a fleeting moment when I was sitting on the floor with my head over the ivory throne when I thought "good night, is this anything like morning sickness? Why on earth am I asking for this?" I cursed my thoughts and immediately promised God I'd try to happily endure 9 months of morning sickness, but the thought amused me anyway. My thoughts quickly shifted to "good night, is this what a hangover is like? Why would anyone voluntarily do this?" Ah well. Such are the musings of a sick woman who has nothing better to do but think when in such a situation.
Back to the topic of the initial appointment. The doctor put me on a very low dosage of medication that is well established and has very little short or long term side effects, or risk for dependency. He said the only side effects are mild gastro-intestinal. I thought to myself, "You obviously don't know I take Metformin. Gastro-Intestinal Side Effects are my middle name." I resisted. However he did assure me that the two medications shouldn't compound each other. He said that the insomnia is most likely stress related from all the IF stuff because I can associate this most recent vengeful emergence with our November appointment so he wants to take it a month at a time, and take me off of it when my body is retrained and/or life calms down a little. I felt very comfortable that what he was saying was accurate and dependable, and with the big picture in mind. Tonight is my first test--we shall see how I do!
Hopefully I'll post tomorrow afternoon or evening with some productive news! We'd appreciate your prayers as we go in to this!
The Tyra Banks Show
I was so excited a couple weeks ago when I heard that the Tyra Banks show was doing an episode on Infertility. Now, I don't think I've ever seen the Tyra Banks show but I know that she has a strong presence in pop culture and I was excited to see someone breaking the silence in the public arena.
Then I read the prompt for the show:
I was so disappointed. Even the name of the URL is offensive. Mom Wannabe. Wow.
I sent the following letter to the show:
ETA: The show has apparently already been filmed. So I guess rather than asking them not to do it, urge them not to air it.
Hat Tip: Trish
Then I read the prompt for the show:
DO YOU KNOW A WOMAN OBSESSED WITH BECOMING PREGNANT?
Do you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom? Have you seen and heard her struggle for years, felt her unvoiced jealously and seen her desperation first hand? Have you watched silently for too long as she gets her hopes up only to be disappointed and heartbroken when she can’t conceive? Has she tried extreme methods and spent a lot of money to get pregnant with no luck? Do you want to finally tell her she needs to stop the emotional and physical stress on her body and seriously consider adoption or a surrogate alternative? If you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom and getting pregnant, then SUBMIT BELOW.
Please do not submit unless you are willing to appear on “The Tyra Banks Show".
I was so disappointed. Even the name of the URL is offensive. Mom Wannabe. Wow.
I sent the following letter to the show:
I thought I'd post both the prompt and my letter in case anyone else was interested in contacting the show. If the show prompt was indeed written out of ignorance, we can hardly fault the writers if we do not help shed light on the situation. If you are so inspired, I'd encourage you to share your thoughts with the producers. You can contact the show here.
To Whom it May Concern:
I am very disappointed with your calloused treatment of infertility, as evidenced by the above description. It communicates a lack of knowledge, understanding and empathy for the plight of the millions of couples in this country alone who struggle with infertility.
Did you know that the stress infertility places on a family is akin to the stress experienced by cancer patients and their families? Do you know that the emotional process is similar to the grief experienced when a spouse dies? I think that if you did know these things, you'd never host a show designed to tell infertile women to "get over it."
Infertile people often struggle to find where they fit in this world. It's perfectly acceptable to be childless by choice, but for those of us who long for children, everywhere we look there are reminders of what we can't have. Disneyworld recently banned young children from one of its 98 restaurants. There was a public outcry that such a move was violating the "family friendly" goal of Walt Disney. In their ignorance, these people were essentially communicating that a "family" is strictly defined by having children. Subtle prejudices like this are prevalent throughout society. The American Dream is to have a house, a job and 2.4 children, right? One of the griefs of infertile people is finding where to fit when we lose our dream.
A show presented like yours will do nothing but harm and ostracize the infertile women watching. It's evident from Ms. Banks' public activism about body image, eating disorders and self esteem that she is passionate about the global community of women so I can only think that this problem has been created out of ignorance, not malice.
The suggestion that infertile people should "just adopt" is one of the most common and hurtful quips offered by well meaning people who don't know what else to say. Please allow me to share with you 6 key areas of loss experienced by infertile people:
1. Loss of control
2. Loss of individual genetic continuity
3. Loss of a jointly conceived child
4. Loss of the pregnancy and birth experiences
5. Loss of emotional gratification surrounding pregnancy and birth
6. Loss of an opportunity to nurture and parent a new generation
Adoption only fulfills one of those losses. For many, many couples, adoption brings a wonderful dynamic to their family. But for many others, adoption and surrogacy are not an option (for any number of reasons) and no amount of our fertile friends "finally [telling me I] need to stop the emotional and physical stress on [my] body and seriously consider adoption or a surrogate alternative" will change that.
Additionally, your presentation as worded perpetuates the myth that adoption is only for the infertile. Millions of abandoned or orphaned children around the world are in need of loving homes and the ability to provide that home has nothing to do with a couple's biological status. In truth, I could ask any stable family unit, "Why don't YOU just adopt?" and the question would be equally awkward. The decision to adopt is a very personal one with many facets, few of which have anything to do with fertility. Yet oddly enough, no one would ever think of asking a family with a couple of biological children why they don't adopt. Perpetuating the myth that adoption is a "substitute" for natural childbearing only hurts the cause of adoption.
Infertility is something that cannot be understood by anyone who hasn't been there. And believe me when I tell you that none of the infertile couples I know would wish this grief on anyone, so in a way, we are glad you (the fertile) don't understand. But I guarantee you that the response to a bunch of fertile people sitting up on stage preaching to their infertile friends to get over it will NOT be well received, and it will serve to ostracize further a huge community of people in this country who feel at odds with society already.
The decisions on what procedures to pursue and when in the treatment of infertility have emotional, physical, ethical and financial considerations and these considerations and decisions can only be made by the infertile couple with perhaps the input of a physician and religious leader (when bioethical concerns are present). It is not at all constructive for anyone outside those parameters, especially fertile onlookers, to try to dictate those decisions. My husband and I have a strong network of close friends whose input we may solicit. None of those people would ever think of dragging us on to national TV to tell us to "get over it." My guess is that anyone who would respond positively to your prompt IS an onlooker to the their infertile "friend" and has been left out of this loop in the infertile couple's life for a reason. I can't imagine any scenario in which someone close enough to an IF person to have input in to their journey would respond to your prompt because anyone close to this kind of situation to have seen the depths of grief would never be so insensitive.
I do applaud you for addressing the topic at all! Infertility makes the fertile world uncomfortable and so the response is often silence. However, I urge you to reframe your show in to one that is more compassionate and more useful to both the infertile people watching and their friends who are often at a loss as to how to understand their friends' heartaches.
Thank you for taking the time to hear my concerns. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Jennifer *****
ETA: The show has apparently already been filmed. So I guess rather than asking them not to do it, urge them not to air it.
Hat Tip: Trish
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