Changes are afoot in our household.
First, we've decided not to pursue moving at this time. We felt like the situation created too tenuous a position between us and DH's parents, and overall we did not have peace about the timing. So I guess the change is that we're NOT changing this.
Second, I have resigned my job from the non-profit I for which I worked for 5 years. I've long felt disrespected and under-appreciated, but stayed because I care about the cause and felt like what I was doing mattered. Some things happened this week that just confirmed that it's no longer a good fit for me or for them. Pray for me as I transition. I struggle a lot with feeling significant and I experienced some struggle when I left the non-profit before. I've always found a great amount of satisfaction in what I do; I'm good at it and it's for a cause dear to my heart. It's hard for me to feel significant as a housewife and a secretary (my other job). Don't get me wrong-my husband is a wonderful man to serve with and my pastor is a wonderful boss. But really, whose life was ever changed by a secretary? Did vacuuming ever save anyone's life? I know that my significance is in the Lord, but I guess in this particular area, I'm wired more male than female in that I assign a lot of significance to my job. As I've struggled with childlessness, my job has helped me a lot. In my opinion, parenting is the most important job in the world, and the only one I ever wanted. As I've not had that, having something else to do that I thought really mattered in this world helped me a lot. It's hard to feel like what y0u do matters when your daily activities consist of housecleaning and clerical tasks. So, please just pray for my protection from that. And pray for the organization, too, as they transition and develop a new fit with a new person.
Our friend Mike has another new tumor spot. That hit me really hard yesterday. Whenever something like that happens, the reality of the timeline of life jolts me. But beyond that, of course we're upset for him and for his family. Please, please, please, continue to pray for a miracle for them.
People ask me how I'm feeling about this next transfer. Honestly, between the time I got the date, and the time I got the news about the new tumor, I was doing really well. I was excited and filled with wonder, and I didn't seem to have a lot of the cynicism and fear and worry that I had with transfer number 2.
But once we got that phone call, I was immediately filled with fear. During Mike's last tumor and hospitalization, we spent a lot of time caregiving for his kids. A lot of time--far more time than we could have ever given them if we had our own young children to parent. God made it pretty clear to us that a major reason our transfer didn't work before was that He needed us to be available for this dear family. And we were grateful to do it-those kids light up our lives like no one else, and we love their family dearly. Now, knowing that he's sick again, I am filled with fear. I'm literally petrified. I fear that God will say no again now for the same reason as before. Like this whole thing is just going to be deja vu all over again. The fear goes from the pit of my stomach, up to the dark corners of my brain and down into feet that now feel like lead, unable to move. I've never had this kind of overwhelming sense of worry. I'm worried about Mike, I'm worried about our babies, and I'm worried about reaching my breaking point if God breaks out hearts again.
Miscarrying our girls was the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced. The failed transfer was the second. I'm so afraid of enduring it again. These weren't just some clinical science products to us. They were our babies, who we love with all our hearts.
So I don't know what all that means. We obviously don't want to proceed without peace. On the other hand, after one loss, I'm not sure that at least a baseline level of fear ever goes away, so if I wait for that, it will never come. And at the end of the day, regardless of whether or not we ever meet any of these children here on earth, it's still our responsibility to thaw and transfer them and get them out of frozen limbo and give them a chance at life. We owe them that, regardless of a pregnancy outcome. So even if every single transfer fails, not going through with one just postpones the inevitable, because I refuse to leave my babies in the state they're in. I guess just sometimes I feel like I'm more of a processing plant than a mom.
Mother's Day is the loneliest day in the whole world. Please pray for me, and for all women who suffer from infertility, as we approach it. There is no celebration for mothers whose children are dead or for those whose children have yet to come. But every time you turn around, you're smacked with a silly facebook status update, a television commecial, a store promotion, etc, etc. During this season, it just feels like the whole world has what you want, and everyone and everything is out to remind you of that. And we still do need to put our own feelings aside and honor our own moms, so please, just pray for us.
As downer of a post as this sounds, we are well in other regards. And in an update to a previous post, it does feel like my knee is getting better, so hopefully, we'll have avoided surgery.
I've got to scoot-we're having dinner with the fam tonight! I hope you all are well!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Clinic Directives
I just read about a woman who recently underwent a Frozen Embryo Transfer with donated embryos. At the time of transfer, she chose to thaw 5 embryos. Once they were thawed, she chose the best two, and discarded the other 3. She is now pregnant. To stay I'm stunned by and struggling with this is the understatement of the century. But this isn't about my feelings on this. And it's not about judgment on her, because I don't know her. I'm only grieved by her choices. It's about dispelling inaccuracies, myths, and lies. Nadya Suleman was the perfect example of a woman who felt backed into a corner because she was provided inaccurate and incomplete information. And I think that happens all too often, especially in the world of ARTs.
First, discarded is just a euphemism for killed. An embryo is a completely individual, completely unique, completely human, tiny little life. It contains all of the genetic material it will ever have, which means that from its creation, it was as much a human being as you or I. The only difference is size and degree of development. But, just like a newborn is different from a toddler who is different from a teenager, who is different than a twenty-something, who is different from a geriatric, but they are all still equally human, so is this little embryo. Her body still needs to grow, but every single cell of her being is human. Therefore, you cannot discard as though you can something inanimate. You can only kill.
She said that she discarded the other 3 because her clinic refuses to refreeze. I have a couple responses.
First: You are the patient. And YOU are the parent. YOU have the right to determine what happens to your babies and to you. Reproductive Technology is the only medical field I've ever encountered where the doctors expect patients to surrender a carte blanche. With our first clinic, the thaw/transfer contracts basically boiled down to "when in doubt, we (the clinic) make all the decisions and we'll do what we think is best."
But think about it. Would a dentist ever just tell you, "Open your mouth, and trust me. I'll let you know when I'm done?" Who knows if you'd end up with fillings or braces or no teeth at all? Would a Physical Therapist ever map out a plan of action without soliciting your input? How about a cardiologist? For Pete's sake, not even a hairdresser would do that! In every case, the caregiver would assess the situation, take exams if necessary, and then outline your options to you and the two of you would choose one together.
Do you want a gold filling or a silver one? Do you want a hip replacement or physical therapy? Do you want heart surgery or drug therapy? Do you want bangs or a bowl-cut? Why the reproductive field is any different, I don't know. (I realize that things are different when you're in a critical care situation with a comatose patient, but this is not that scenario). It doesn't have to be that way. No amount of authoritative language actually means they have any legal right over you to make those decisions (that's not to imply that they're behaving illegally, it's just to say that just because they say it's their right, doesn't mean it actually is). Sure, it's their right to do business as they please, but it's your right to take your business elsewhere if you're not satisfied.
DON'T sign paperwork you're not comfortable with. We spent DAYS editing our first transfer paperwork, to omit every single reference to and possible loophole for any kind of destruction of life, as well as any ambiguity about decision making. And then we met with the Embryologist to lay out our priorities just in case we'd missed anything in writing. And that was our right and our clinic respected it.
When we switched doctors, we again reviewed all contracts before our babies were ever touched, and were very clear with our directives from the get-go. At the end of the day, YOU make the choices for yourself and your children. Don't let a clinic bully you into making decisions you're not comfortable with. Know, in advance, their policies and procedures for every possible scenario: When are the embryos being thawed? Who decides how many to thaw? What happens if every embryo you thaw survives? What happens if only some that are thawed survive? What happens to those who look "stalled" or "arrested" or "weak" or "slow?" WHO makes those decisions-the doctor or the patient? Do they decide according to "viability" or according to "dead or not dead." ("Viable" in this case is a gray area that means the embryo is technically alive, but the Embryologist will decide what chances it has for survival).
Read your contracts very very carefully. Get to know the heart of your doctor. Is their goal to "get you pregnant" or to honor your wishes, including if it means treating each life as a precious individual? We've been blessed that in both our cases, while our doctors disagree with us on the value and the life of the embryo, they operated according to our beliefs when dealing with our babies. Under any circumstances, do not go in to a thaw/transfer situation without knowing who has the ultimate decision making power in every scenario. Get to know what the nuances in the contract language mean. Be as specific as possible in your directives. On a side but related note, also make sure your clinic has instructions on what to do with your embryos in case you die. In most cases, the embryos would be destroyed unless you tell them differently in advance.
But, if after all that, your clinic doesn't want to let you alter your contract or make your own decisions, or if you just don't think they'll respect the treatment of those lives that you think they demand, get a new clinic! At the end of the day, they are a service-provider. You don't owe them your business or your loyalty, and in most regions of the country, there are several other choices who would love your business. You DO owe your children your protection.
If for some reason you're in a situation where there's only one pony show in town, or only one insurance-approved provider, or some other reason where you're forced to use this clinic/doctor and no one else, then make your decisions accordingly. If you know they won't refreeze, then don't thaw more embryos than you're willing to transfer. Thawing only takes about half an hour. You can start out conservatively and if they die in the thaw, you can still thaw more before your transfer. I do know that doesn't allow for culturing over days with day 1-3 embies, but I'm of the belief the quicker they're in the natural womb, the better. God holds their lives-if they're going to live, they'll live and He doesn't need a couple extra days in a dish to accomplish that.
However, if you do believe in culturing, then only thaw the amount of embryos you'd be willing to carry in pregnancy if they all survived and implanted, and no more. If that means you end up canceling a cycle because all embryos died in the thaw and you don't have time to thaw more, well, so be it. If Embryo Adoption is how God intends to grow your family, He'll equip you with the means you need to go through as many transfers as it takes. Don't make life-or-death decisions according to economy and odds.
Embryo adoption cannot be about just getting you pregnant. There are now other people involved, so this can't be just about you. As soon as you take responsibility for those babies, your decisions have to be about them. These tiny lives have been entrusted to your care for nurture, shepherding, and protection. Considering Embryo Adoption only as a fertility treatment opens the door for all sorts of decisions that I don't think anyone would make if they considered these precious as they are: tiny little children. These babies need our protection and our advocacy. Their tiny little lives have already had an unconventional and dangerous start. Please be careful as you make your decisions about your future, and theirs. Seek the Lord to direct you with wisdom and discernment as you make decisions. Stand up for your rights, and for theirs. Educate yourself and know the information that could change or harm all your lives. Communicate with your doctors. Know what you don't know. And when in doubt, please err on the side of caution.
First, discarded is just a euphemism for killed. An embryo is a completely individual, completely unique, completely human, tiny little life. It contains all of the genetic material it will ever have, which means that from its creation, it was as much a human being as you or I. The only difference is size and degree of development. But, just like a newborn is different from a toddler who is different from a teenager, who is different than a twenty-something, who is different from a geriatric, but they are all still equally human, so is this little embryo. Her body still needs to grow, but every single cell of her being is human. Therefore, you cannot discard as though you can something inanimate. You can only kill.
She said that she discarded the other 3 because her clinic refuses to refreeze. I have a couple responses.
First: You are the patient. And YOU are the parent. YOU have the right to determine what happens to your babies and to you. Reproductive Technology is the only medical field I've ever encountered where the doctors expect patients to surrender a carte blanche. With our first clinic, the thaw/transfer contracts basically boiled down to "when in doubt, we (the clinic) make all the decisions and we'll do what we think is best."
But think about it. Would a dentist ever just tell you, "Open your mouth, and trust me. I'll let you know when I'm done?" Who knows if you'd end up with fillings or braces or no teeth at all? Would a Physical Therapist ever map out a plan of action without soliciting your input? How about a cardiologist? For Pete's sake, not even a hairdresser would do that! In every case, the caregiver would assess the situation, take exams if necessary, and then outline your options to you and the two of you would choose one together.
Do you want a gold filling or a silver one? Do you want a hip replacement or physical therapy? Do you want heart surgery or drug therapy? Do you want bangs or a bowl-cut? Why the reproductive field is any different, I don't know. (I realize that things are different when you're in a critical care situation with a comatose patient, but this is not that scenario). It doesn't have to be that way. No amount of authoritative language actually means they have any legal right over you to make those decisions (that's not to imply that they're behaving illegally, it's just to say that just because they say it's their right, doesn't mean it actually is). Sure, it's their right to do business as they please, but it's your right to take your business elsewhere if you're not satisfied.
DON'T sign paperwork you're not comfortable with. We spent DAYS editing our first transfer paperwork, to omit every single reference to and possible loophole for any kind of destruction of life, as well as any ambiguity about decision making. And then we met with the Embryologist to lay out our priorities just in case we'd missed anything in writing. And that was our right and our clinic respected it.
When we switched doctors, we again reviewed all contracts before our babies were ever touched, and were very clear with our directives from the get-go. At the end of the day, YOU make the choices for yourself and your children. Don't let a clinic bully you into making decisions you're not comfortable with. Know, in advance, their policies and procedures for every possible scenario: When are the embryos being thawed? Who decides how many to thaw? What happens if every embryo you thaw survives? What happens if only some that are thawed survive? What happens to those who look "stalled" or "arrested" or "weak" or "slow?" WHO makes those decisions-the doctor or the patient? Do they decide according to "viability" or according to "dead or not dead." ("Viable" in this case is a gray area that means the embryo is technically alive, but the Embryologist will decide what chances it has for survival).
Read your contracts very very carefully. Get to know the heart of your doctor. Is their goal to "get you pregnant" or to honor your wishes, including if it means treating each life as a precious individual? We've been blessed that in both our cases, while our doctors disagree with us on the value and the life of the embryo, they operated according to our beliefs when dealing with our babies. Under any circumstances, do not go in to a thaw/transfer situation without knowing who has the ultimate decision making power in every scenario. Get to know what the nuances in the contract language mean. Be as specific as possible in your directives. On a side but related note, also make sure your clinic has instructions on what to do with your embryos in case you die. In most cases, the embryos would be destroyed unless you tell them differently in advance.
But, if after all that, your clinic doesn't want to let you alter your contract or make your own decisions, or if you just don't think they'll respect the treatment of those lives that you think they demand, get a new clinic! At the end of the day, they are a service-provider. You don't owe them your business or your loyalty, and in most regions of the country, there are several other choices who would love your business. You DO owe your children your protection.
If for some reason you're in a situation where there's only one pony show in town, or only one insurance-approved provider, or some other reason where you're forced to use this clinic/doctor and no one else, then make your decisions accordingly. If you know they won't refreeze, then don't thaw more embryos than you're willing to transfer. Thawing only takes about half an hour. You can start out conservatively and if they die in the thaw, you can still thaw more before your transfer. I do know that doesn't allow for culturing over days with day 1-3 embies, but I'm of the belief the quicker they're in the natural womb, the better. God holds their lives-if they're going to live, they'll live and He doesn't need a couple extra days in a dish to accomplish that.
However, if you do believe in culturing, then only thaw the amount of embryos you'd be willing to carry in pregnancy if they all survived and implanted, and no more. If that means you end up canceling a cycle because all embryos died in the thaw and you don't have time to thaw more, well, so be it. If Embryo Adoption is how God intends to grow your family, He'll equip you with the means you need to go through as many transfers as it takes. Don't make life-or-death decisions according to economy and odds.
Embryo adoption cannot be about just getting you pregnant. There are now other people involved, so this can't be just about you. As soon as you take responsibility for those babies, your decisions have to be about them. These tiny lives have been entrusted to your care for nurture, shepherding, and protection. Considering Embryo Adoption only as a fertility treatment opens the door for all sorts of decisions that I don't think anyone would make if they considered these precious as they are: tiny little children. These babies need our protection and our advocacy. Their tiny little lives have already had an unconventional and dangerous start. Please be careful as you make your decisions about your future, and theirs. Seek the Lord to direct you with wisdom and discernment as you make decisions. Stand up for your rights, and for theirs. Educate yourself and know the information that could change or harm all your lives. Communicate with your doctors. Know what you don't know. And when in doubt, please err on the side of caution.
For Anyone Still Reading
Hi Everyone,
I have been such a sporadic blogger, that I'll be amazed if there's anyone left reading this blog. For anyone still there, thank you.
DH and I are for the most part, doing well. Our season of busy has ended, our friends are married off, I pulled off a smashingly successful fundraiser, and we're happily settling back into "normal" life.
We're preparing for another transfer, which will be sometime in the next two months. We'll know more about specific dates sometime soon. It could be as early as May 10th, or as late as early June.
If it's early May, it's because the doctor has decided I can forego the sort of "pre-cycle" of birth control that usually comes first. I would love love LOVE to do this because I hate the way birth control makes me feel, and of course, it means it's a whole lot sooner. But I do want what's best for the babies, so please just pray that we and the doctor make the best decision.
I'm getting back into my gym routine, finally. I'm having to relearn a lot of my skills but I'm trying to go at a more realistic pace than before. Going twice a day every day worked well when I was unemployed. It doesn't work so well when I work two jobs. But rather than creating a more realistic workout schedule, I just stopped cold-turkey. I do have one small area of prayer-I hurt my knee this week after following what I've since learned is a little bit of incorrect coaching from my trainer. My doctor said it could be that I just strained the muscle or the tendon. But he also said that I could have torn my meniscus, which would require surgery. I'd really really love to avoid surgery. Would you pray that this injury is mild and that it heals on its own?
I think that's everything! Working now on another post, so stay tuned.
Love to you all!
I have been such a sporadic blogger, that I'll be amazed if there's anyone left reading this blog. For anyone still there, thank you.
DH and I are for the most part, doing well. Our season of busy has ended, our friends are married off, I pulled off a smashingly successful fundraiser, and we're happily settling back into "normal" life.
We're preparing for another transfer, which will be sometime in the next two months. We'll know more about specific dates sometime soon. It could be as early as May 10th, or as late as early June.
If it's early May, it's because the doctor has decided I can forego the sort of "pre-cycle" of birth control that usually comes first. I would love love LOVE to do this because I hate the way birth control makes me feel, and of course, it means it's a whole lot sooner. But I do want what's best for the babies, so please just pray that we and the doctor make the best decision.
I'm getting back into my gym routine, finally. I'm having to relearn a lot of my skills but I'm trying to go at a more realistic pace than before. Going twice a day every day worked well when I was unemployed. It doesn't work so well when I work two jobs. But rather than creating a more realistic workout schedule, I just stopped cold-turkey. I do have one small area of prayer-I hurt my knee this week after following what I've since learned is a little bit of incorrect coaching from my trainer. My doctor said it could be that I just strained the muscle or the tendon. But he also said that I could have torn my meniscus, which would require surgery. I'd really really love to avoid surgery. Would you pray that this injury is mild and that it heals on its own?
I think that's everything! Working now on another post, so stay tuned.
Love to you all!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
A season of busy!!!
Hi Everyone,
I am indeed still on the planet, though sometimes these days I wish I could take a brief vacation from being so in order to catch up on some rest!
Spring is usually my season of busy, and this year is no exception; in fact, I do believe it's more intense than usual!
In the end of January was the Statewide-rally for the non-profit I work for. A lot of time and energy was invested in getting it hosted. In early February, we started investigating the possibility of moving. The real-estate market is really depressed, which would enable us to get into a home that would be better suited for hubby's business. It's sort of stalled out in terms of growth. In our driveway, it can't get any bigger or more profitable. Every time it rains, he loses those hours/days of work. Sometimes the rain comes unexpectedly or sooner/later than expected, and ruins a job in progress. Our driveway only holds so many cars. Being outdoors puts him and the paint he uses (which only catalyzes in a certain temperature range) at the mercy of the weather temperature. Being so close to neighbors limits the hours he can work and still be polite. God has been good in granting us much success this past year but if he's going to stick with it, it's getting time to make a change.
Our options are to move to a property with the space and building to do the business on site, rent a commercial space for him, or convert the space at the company he currently contracts with and hope the city approves the conversion and re-permits it for activities it has previously banned. Option B is completely impractical: when we consider the cost of our current mortgage plus the cost of rent on a space, we're looking at the mortgage payment on a half-million dollar home. A home in an un-annexed part of the county with plenty of land would cost substantially less and have the added benefits of being owner rather than tenant, being at the home, and being able to expand his client base beyond just the current one. Option C is very possible, but requires the mercy/compliance of the city.
So, we decided to pursue option A. Along with the very kind and generous help of DH's parents, it is a realistic possibility. Problem is that OUR house is not ready for sale. So we kicked it into high gear on fixing up things around here, which has been sort of "robbing Peter to pay Paul" in terms of time allowances, since we were already short on enough hours to go around. As we can, we're fixing, cleaning, purging, researching, moving, etc. We haven't made substantial progress, but we've made some. We're also trying to squeeze in time to look at/research homes for buying.
In the end of February, my sweet friend C (whom I've mentioned here many times) remarried, and I catered her wedding and helped with other odds-and-ends tasks. It was a wonderful day, but the responsibilities were exhausting. The very next weekend was the annual benefit banquet for our non-profit. I coordinate this benefit, and it is a huge time-sucker! I helped "birth" the first one, and have coordinated all but the one that occurred the year I was on hiatus, so it's my special pet project. I love seeing it grow and change each year. By God's grace, we raised over $20,000 this year, which is a huge number for our little grassroots cause. Now we kick it into high gear for our conference in September.
The following weekend (last weekend) was the wedding of a dear friend, with whom DH went to high school and we both went to college. DH was in the wedding and was gone a lot last week for wedding tasks and I did my best to putter around the house.
THIS weekend is ANOTHER dear friend's wedding and we are both in this one; I am a bridesmaid, and DH is a brides-dude. So we had a 2-day bachelorette girl's weekend these last two days, I'm cramming all my hours at work into today and tomorrow, and then Thursday-Friday we have wedding tasks, and Saturday is the big day!
Phew! I'm exhausted just thinking about it. And both of my bosses have asked me to consider taking on more hours!
The good news is that it's been a fun season with lots of occasion to celebrate and be joyous. And truthfully, it's been a good distraction. I've just not had the time to sit and dwell on things. The bummer is that we've not had any time to make any progress toward our financial goals, as most of our extra funds the last few months have gone into either home repairs, savings, or, most recently, a bridesmaid dress, 2 tux rentals, 2 shower gifts, 2 bachelor gifts, 2 bachelorette gifts, 3 wedding gifts and a partridge in a pear tree. So the lack of progress is a little disappointing. And we know the quiet is coming again...the quiet is the worst time, because we have plenty of time to think about things.
I'm praying for protection against bitterness. Several times this weekend I completely killed conversation with dark-remarks about the state of affairs in this part of our lives, and they were so wholly unexpected, even by me, that I didn't even know they would be coming out of my mouth until they were. I don't like being in that place.
So, that's what's new with us. Nothing too exciting, just busy! I am looking forward to a little bit slower pace in life, and I'm just praying that the regained time is used wisely, that our hearts will remain patient and gentle, and that God moves some money-sized mountains to bring baby-sized answers to our prayers.
Hope you all are well!
I am indeed still on the planet, though sometimes these days I wish I could take a brief vacation from being so in order to catch up on some rest!
Spring is usually my season of busy, and this year is no exception; in fact, I do believe it's more intense than usual!
In the end of January was the Statewide-rally for the non-profit I work for. A lot of time and energy was invested in getting it hosted. In early February, we started investigating the possibility of moving. The real-estate market is really depressed, which would enable us to get into a home that would be better suited for hubby's business. It's sort of stalled out in terms of growth. In our driveway, it can't get any bigger or more profitable. Every time it rains, he loses those hours/days of work. Sometimes the rain comes unexpectedly or sooner/later than expected, and ruins a job in progress. Our driveway only holds so many cars. Being outdoors puts him and the paint he uses (which only catalyzes in a certain temperature range) at the mercy of the weather temperature. Being so close to neighbors limits the hours he can work and still be polite. God has been good in granting us much success this past year but if he's going to stick with it, it's getting time to make a change.
Our options are to move to a property with the space and building to do the business on site, rent a commercial space for him, or convert the space at the company he currently contracts with and hope the city approves the conversion and re-permits it for activities it has previously banned. Option B is completely impractical: when we consider the cost of our current mortgage plus the cost of rent on a space, we're looking at the mortgage payment on a half-million dollar home. A home in an un-annexed part of the county with plenty of land would cost substantially less and have the added benefits of being owner rather than tenant, being at the home, and being able to expand his client base beyond just the current one. Option C is very possible, but requires the mercy/compliance of the city.
So, we decided to pursue option A. Along with the very kind and generous help of DH's parents, it is a realistic possibility. Problem is that OUR house is not ready for sale. So we kicked it into high gear on fixing up things around here, which has been sort of "robbing Peter to pay Paul" in terms of time allowances, since we were already short on enough hours to go around. As we can, we're fixing, cleaning, purging, researching, moving, etc. We haven't made substantial progress, but we've made some. We're also trying to squeeze in time to look at/research homes for buying.
In the end of February, my sweet friend C (whom I've mentioned here many times) remarried, and I catered her wedding and helped with other odds-and-ends tasks. It was a wonderful day, but the responsibilities were exhausting. The very next weekend was the annual benefit banquet for our non-profit. I coordinate this benefit, and it is a huge time-sucker! I helped "birth" the first one, and have coordinated all but the one that occurred the year I was on hiatus, so it's my special pet project. I love seeing it grow and change each year. By God's grace, we raised over $20,000 this year, which is a huge number for our little grassroots cause. Now we kick it into high gear for our conference in September.
The following weekend (last weekend) was the wedding of a dear friend, with whom DH went to high school and we both went to college. DH was in the wedding and was gone a lot last week for wedding tasks and I did my best to putter around the house.
THIS weekend is ANOTHER dear friend's wedding and we are both in this one; I am a bridesmaid, and DH is a brides-dude. So we had a 2-day bachelorette girl's weekend these last two days, I'm cramming all my hours at work into today and tomorrow, and then Thursday-Friday we have wedding tasks, and Saturday is the big day!
Phew! I'm exhausted just thinking about it. And both of my bosses have asked me to consider taking on more hours!
The good news is that it's been a fun season with lots of occasion to celebrate and be joyous. And truthfully, it's been a good distraction. I've just not had the time to sit and dwell on things. The bummer is that we've not had any time to make any progress toward our financial goals, as most of our extra funds the last few months have gone into either home repairs, savings, or, most recently, a bridesmaid dress, 2 tux rentals, 2 shower gifts, 2 bachelor gifts, 2 bachelorette gifts, 3 wedding gifts and a partridge in a pear tree. So the lack of progress is a little disappointing. And we know the quiet is coming again...the quiet is the worst time, because we have plenty of time to think about things.
I'm praying for protection against bitterness. Several times this weekend I completely killed conversation with dark-remarks about the state of affairs in this part of our lives, and they were so wholly unexpected, even by me, that I didn't even know they would be coming out of my mouth until they were. I don't like being in that place.
So, that's what's new with us. Nothing too exciting, just busy! I am looking forward to a little bit slower pace in life, and I'm just praying that the regained time is used wisely, that our hearts will remain patient and gentle, and that God moves some money-sized mountains to bring baby-sized answers to our prayers.
Hope you all are well!
Friday, February 5, 2010
A week later; still jumbled, but no longer as one without hope
Hi again, dear friends!
What a marvelous gift that technology can be to us. God uses it to bless me so often with such sweet support from so many of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love and encouragement!
It's now a week later. I have been learning so much, just this week.
I've been listening to the song "Heaven is the Face" by Steven Curtis Chapman. He wrote the song after his youngest daughter was killed in a terrible accident.
Our hearts broke so much for the Chapmans when Maria died. And though this song is hers, they've shared that this song is public to help others, too. And it has helped me, so much. I've had a lot of good tears over this song and it's challenged some thoughts.
In 1 way, it's been freeing. I spend so much time telling myself how to feel instead of just acknowledging what I AM feeling. And one thing I've really struggled with is being short-sighted in my grief and not appreciating the more eternal things, like Heaven, and God's glory and the "so much more" that SCC refers to. Right now, Heaven is the place where we'll finally get to meet our little girls. And I long so desperately for that. But I love the lines in the song that I bolded. I will get to meet them there, but they will be eager to bring me to Jesus. By taking them out of frozen storage, God used my body to bring them home to Jesus. One day they will lead *me* to Jesus. And that's beautiful and praiseworthy, even if it hurts.
The other thing that occurred to me tonight is that I usually think of my girls as dead. My grief overwhelms me at times and I often stop at the part in the story where they died. But by God's grace and mercy alone, they are more alive than they would have ever been here, than I have ever been even now. That is cause for jubilation, not weeping. I know it's ok to still miss them, but I need to remember the rest of the story. Don't get me wrong. I still miss them more than I can say. I wonder what they would have looked like. I wondered if they'd like country music and Packer Football. I wonder if they would have played sports or a musical instrument. I wonder what their hair would have smelled like and what their smiles would have looked like. But, though I'll never get the maple-syrup kisses from them, but they already have the "so much more" and that is a great gift to me. I am thankful for God's merciful compassion on them.
My biological father was physically abusive to my mother and emotionally and verbally abusive to me. The role of "father" is largely, not a positive association in my mind. I grew up an Arminian. Most of my family members (myself included) are hot-tempered. I'm a people pleaser and pretty naturally compliant to rules and expectations. Several significant relationships with various people in previous years ended in betrayal or abandonment. The end result (rather, the result up to now, for thank God, He is not finished with me yet!) is that I am a people pleaser to a fault, a compulsive rule-follower, and one who easily errs on the side of legalism.
And from that set of factors, most of my life has been spent living inside these "fence laws" that I have set up for myself, to make sure I stayed in a place that was pleasing to the heavy-handed, easily offended God I had conjured in my head. In my mind, good little Christian girls didn't express displeasure or anger or disappointment with God, never reached the end of their ropes with the trials dealt to them, and were always working to keep Him happy with them. They don't question, they just do. They are grateful for even the tiniest speck of attention and have no right to ask for more. I don't even like to sing songs about God loving me, because I've always felt that took attention away from God and put it on me. I have always felt in easy danger of doing something to become unloved by everyone in my life, including God.
I think I hit my rock bottom last week. And I might still be there. But there's a shift that's happened in my heart. And honestly, I don't think that shift could have happened before in my old paradigm. The problem is, that I didn't even really realize the barriers I had put up between myself and God. So in an attempt to hide these feelings from Him, (which is foolish for He already knew them) and instead put on the feelings I thought I "should" be feeling, all I did was create distance and dishonesty. Last week, I was so exhausted, I couldn't even play those games with myself. It all came out. The guttural, aching, longing, shameless feelings--every last one of them--came up from all the places I had buried them in the name of Christian duty. I couldn't have stopped the tears and the admissions and the desperation, even if I wanted to. But what came was a never-before experienced honesty with myself, and with God. And to my surprise, He was not offended, exasperated, impatient, disappointed or even surprised. He gathered me in His arms, and ministered to my heart. That's just so, so different, than everything I've ever known. And I'm overwhelmed by it.
I've experienced the personal love of Christ this week in a way that I've not ever felt before. I wish I could explain it. It's as if He's been saying "now that we've cut through all of that, the work and the love can really begin!" Because of this journey, I now understand the image portrayed in the song of running into His arms, and not just the one bowing distantly and reverently at His feet (which is also appropriate, but just a different face of God).
So, while hitting rock bottom was a lousy, exhausting feeling, it resulted in the beginning of great healing and new-found trust and love. And I am so grateful for His patience in tenderly bringing me here.
You know how when you're paying attention in love, you notice all the little gestures? You notice that your sweetie pie does the dishes or takes out the trash or gets ready quietly in the morning so you can sleep or lets you have the last of the milk with your cereal or always kisses you goodnight? They're not the grand Hollywood-style gestures, but they're what make you love the person all over again every morning? I've been noticing a lot of those "little" gestures from God.
About a month ago, DH and I started on the envelope system of budgeting. And let me tell you, it's been a tough adjustment. We always had enough money to go around, but we just weren't as careful or as disciplined as we should have been with the discretionary part of the budget. Every time we wanted or thought we "needed" something, we'd just buy it. By the end of the month, we'd spent a huge chunk of money on convenience and excess. So now, I'm counting every penny. I have a modest amount in my envelope each month for things around the house-printer paper, home repair items, air conditioning filters, etc--pretty much anything for inside the home that isn't found at the grocery store. Well, when the amount is as modest as ours is, it's hard to want to spend it on anything. We both needed new pillows because we woke up several mornings in a row with sore necks. Well, we got creative and found an old gift card we hadn't used, a coupon and a sale and marched on over and walked out for 2 new pillows for about $2 out of the envelope. Then, the printer ran out of paper. I really didn't want to go and spend my envelope on printer paper. The next day, DH brought home a ream of office paper that he literally found in a car he was working on. (By the time he gets the car, he also gets anything still left in it. That's resulted in some...err...um, interesting finds over the years).
We have a store here where you can buy and sell used books, video games, music and electronic devices. We had trade-in credit and we really wanted to find the two books by Dave Ramsey, whose model we're trying to follow as we infuse more financial discipline into our lives. The waiting lists at the library for his books are dozens of people long. I called every one of this particular chain of used stores and the story was the same in all of them: his books rarely come in and when they do, they fly right off the shelves. But, over the course of some phone calls and 4 visits to the store, I was able to find both books. With the first one, I literally called right after someone turned it in. With the second one, we happened in the store on a lark (and it was a location we'd never been to!) and in the entire section on personal finance, the only book written by anyone in the R section of the alphabet was, you guessed it-the other book. And it had just been put out on the floor within the previous couple of days or so.
My Pastor has me transcribing a sermon series he did on Gideon. He gave it to me to transcribe just before the end of the year but it was at a time when my finger was still really bad and typing was painful. Then when Mike got sick, I wasn't keeping office hours and the office is where the tapes and transcription machine are. So, between those two things, I didn't get to start transcribing it until last week. I'm half way through it and the messages I've typed this week just "happen" to be about God's patience, fatherly love, and forbearing character.
And in it, he refers to this wonderful passage by AW Tozer:
How perfectly, God-timed it was for me to read that, and be challenged by it!
And then just this week, I wrote my meager little checks to all of our medical providers in the hopes of gaining their continued willingness to wait yet another month on payment from the insurance company. We had sent a letter to each provider, explaining the fraud, asking for patience as we made small payments and asking for consideration of a reduction in the cost. Our primary care doctor's office discounted the amount due for us, but we hadn't heard from any of the other providers. We just continued to make little payments each month. I mailed them all off on Monday. On Thursday afternoon, an envelope containing the payment I had made to the provider with one of the two highest balances (about $450 remaining) was returned to me with a note saying that they had received additional payment and that the account was now paid in full. I called when they opened on Friday to see if there was some mistake. She looked at my account and said that it was indeed paid in full, but she couldn't tell me why. There was no mention of anyone making payment. Both she and my insurance company confirmed that insurance didn't pay it. She said that if the company decided to write it off, they wouldn't have returned to me what little I did pay. Neither she nor I have no record or idea of how the "$0" balance came about. A $450 balance vanished into thin air, and the only explanation is God. How generous He is to us! How precious these "love notes" and gestures from God have been to me this week.
I claim no false piety. I am still scared and tired and overwhelmed and confused. I really still do feel like my heart has taken all the bad news it can handle on this journey. I still desperately hope God's answer will be yes next time and I still have a lot of fear. But I guess I no longer feel guilt and shame and fear and a desire to hide just because I HAVE those feelings. And know that God will manage them in His time so I no longer feel the self-imposed pressure to try to fix myself on out of them. I know that God knows my heart and my emotions and is not surprised by them. There's something so freeing in that. And in spite of all the feelings, I still KNOW the Truth. And in that Truth I rest my hope. My hope is not a feeling to come and go; it's a belief, a decision and I am able to make that choice by His grace, because of the One Who IS Hope. Praise the Lord!
What a marvelous gift that technology can be to us. God uses it to bless me so often with such sweet support from so many of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love and encouragement!
It's now a week later. I have been learning so much, just this week.
I've been listening to the song "Heaven is the Face" by Steven Curtis Chapman. He wrote the song after his youngest daughter was killed in a terrible accident.
Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, "Daddy please come play with me for awhile"
God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
So right now
Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams
And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space
All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphans' bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there's no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there's no more enemy
No more
Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms
Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl
Heaven in the face of my little girl
Our hearts broke so much for the Chapmans when Maria died. And though this song is hers, they've shared that this song is public to help others, too. And it has helped me, so much. I've had a lot of good tears over this song and it's challenged some thoughts.
In 1 way, it's been freeing. I spend so much time telling myself how to feel instead of just acknowledging what I AM feeling. And one thing I've really struggled with is being short-sighted in my grief and not appreciating the more eternal things, like Heaven, and God's glory and the "so much more" that SCC refers to. Right now, Heaven is the place where we'll finally get to meet our little girls. And I long so desperately for that. But I love the lines in the song that I bolded. I will get to meet them there, but they will be eager to bring me to Jesus. By taking them out of frozen storage, God used my body to bring them home to Jesus. One day they will lead *me* to Jesus. And that's beautiful and praiseworthy, even if it hurts.
The other thing that occurred to me tonight is that I usually think of my girls as dead. My grief overwhelms me at times and I often stop at the part in the story where they died. But by God's grace and mercy alone, they are more alive than they would have ever been here, than I have ever been even now. That is cause for jubilation, not weeping. I know it's ok to still miss them, but I need to remember the rest of the story. Don't get me wrong. I still miss them more than I can say. I wonder what they would have looked like. I wondered if they'd like country music and Packer Football. I wonder if they would have played sports or a musical instrument. I wonder what their hair would have smelled like and what their smiles would have looked like. But, though I'll never get the maple-syrup kisses from them, but they already have the "so much more" and that is a great gift to me. I am thankful for God's merciful compassion on them.
My biological father was physically abusive to my mother and emotionally and verbally abusive to me. The role of "father" is largely, not a positive association in my mind. I grew up an Arminian. Most of my family members (myself included) are hot-tempered. I'm a people pleaser and pretty naturally compliant to rules and expectations. Several significant relationships with various people in previous years ended in betrayal or abandonment. The end result (rather, the result up to now, for thank God, He is not finished with me yet!) is that I am a people pleaser to a fault, a compulsive rule-follower, and one who easily errs on the side of legalism.
And from that set of factors, most of my life has been spent living inside these "fence laws" that I have set up for myself, to make sure I stayed in a place that was pleasing to the heavy-handed, easily offended God I had conjured in my head. In my mind, good little Christian girls didn't express displeasure or anger or disappointment with God, never reached the end of their ropes with the trials dealt to them, and were always working to keep Him happy with them. They don't question, they just do. They are grateful for even the tiniest speck of attention and have no right to ask for more. I don't even like to sing songs about God loving me, because I've always felt that took attention away from God and put it on me. I have always felt in easy danger of doing something to become unloved by everyone in my life, including God.
I think I hit my rock bottom last week. And I might still be there. But there's a shift that's happened in my heart. And honestly, I don't think that shift could have happened before in my old paradigm. The problem is, that I didn't even really realize the barriers I had put up between myself and God. So in an attempt to hide these feelings from Him, (which is foolish for He already knew them) and instead put on the feelings I thought I "should" be feeling, all I did was create distance and dishonesty. Last week, I was so exhausted, I couldn't even play those games with myself. It all came out. The guttural, aching, longing, shameless feelings--every last one of them--came up from all the places I had buried them in the name of Christian duty. I couldn't have stopped the tears and the admissions and the desperation, even if I wanted to. But what came was a never-before experienced honesty with myself, and with God. And to my surprise, He was not offended, exasperated, impatient, disappointed or even surprised. He gathered me in His arms, and ministered to my heart. That's just so, so different, than everything I've ever known. And I'm overwhelmed by it.
I've experienced the personal love of Christ this week in a way that I've not ever felt before. I wish I could explain it. It's as if He's been saying "now that we've cut through all of that, the work and the love can really begin!" Because of this journey, I now understand the image portrayed in the song of running into His arms, and not just the one bowing distantly and reverently at His feet (which is also appropriate, but just a different face of God).
So, while hitting rock bottom was a lousy, exhausting feeling, it resulted in the beginning of great healing and new-found trust and love. And I am so grateful for His patience in tenderly bringing me here.
You know how when you're paying attention in love, you notice all the little gestures? You notice that your sweetie pie does the dishes or takes out the trash or gets ready quietly in the morning so you can sleep or lets you have the last of the milk with your cereal or always kisses you goodnight? They're not the grand Hollywood-style gestures, but they're what make you love the person all over again every morning? I've been noticing a lot of those "little" gestures from God.
About a month ago, DH and I started on the envelope system of budgeting. And let me tell you, it's been a tough adjustment. We always had enough money to go around, but we just weren't as careful or as disciplined as we should have been with the discretionary part of the budget. Every time we wanted or thought we "needed" something, we'd just buy it. By the end of the month, we'd spent a huge chunk of money on convenience and excess. So now, I'm counting every penny. I have a modest amount in my envelope each month for things around the house-printer paper, home repair items, air conditioning filters, etc--pretty much anything for inside the home that isn't found at the grocery store. Well, when the amount is as modest as ours is, it's hard to want to spend it on anything. We both needed new pillows because we woke up several mornings in a row with sore necks. Well, we got creative and found an old gift card we hadn't used, a coupon and a sale and marched on over and walked out for 2 new pillows for about $2 out of the envelope. Then, the printer ran out of paper. I really didn't want to go and spend my envelope on printer paper. The next day, DH brought home a ream of office paper that he literally found in a car he was working on. (By the time he gets the car, he also gets anything still left in it. That's resulted in some...err...um, interesting finds over the years).
We have a store here where you can buy and sell used books, video games, music and electronic devices. We had trade-in credit and we really wanted to find the two books by Dave Ramsey, whose model we're trying to follow as we infuse more financial discipline into our lives. The waiting lists at the library for his books are dozens of people long. I called every one of this particular chain of used stores and the story was the same in all of them: his books rarely come in and when they do, they fly right off the shelves. But, over the course of some phone calls and 4 visits to the store, I was able to find both books. With the first one, I literally called right after someone turned it in. With the second one, we happened in the store on a lark (and it was a location we'd never been to!) and in the entire section on personal finance, the only book written by anyone in the R section of the alphabet was, you guessed it-the other book. And it had just been put out on the floor within the previous couple of days or so.
My Pastor has me transcribing a sermon series he did on Gideon. He gave it to me to transcribe just before the end of the year but it was at a time when my finger was still really bad and typing was painful. Then when Mike got sick, I wasn't keeping office hours and the office is where the tapes and transcription machine are. So, between those two things, I didn't get to start transcribing it until last week. I'm half way through it and the messages I've typed this week just "happen" to be about God's patience, fatherly love, and forbearing character.
And in it, he refers to this wonderful passage by AW Tozer:
SATAN'S FIRST ATTACK upon the human race was his sly effort to destroy Eve's confidence in the kindness of God. Unfortunately for her and for us, he succeeded too well. From that day, men have had a false conception of God, and it is exactly this that has cut out from under them the ground of righteousness and driven them to reckless and destructive living.
Nothing twists and deforms the soul more than a low or unworthy conception of God. Certain sects, such as Pharisees, while they held that God was stern and austere, managed to maintain a fairly high level of external morality; but their righteousness was only outward. Inwardly they were "white sepulchres," as our Lord Himself told them. Their wrong conception of God resulted in a wrong idea of worship. To a Pharisee, the service of God was a bondage which he did not love but from which he could not escape without a loss too great to bear. The God of the Pharisee was not an easy God to live with, so his religion became grim and hard and loveless. It had to be so, for our notion of God must always determine the quality of our religion.
Much Christianity since the days of Christ's flesh has also been grim and severe. And the cause has been the same - an unworthy or an inadequate view of God. Instinctively we try to be like our God, and if He is conceived to be stern and exacting, so will we ourselves be.
From a failure to properly understand God comes a world of unhappiness among good Christians even today. The Christian life is thought to be a glum, unrelieved cross-carrying under the eye of a stern Father who expects much and excuses nothing. He is austere, peevish, highly temperamental, and extremely hard to please. The kind of life which springs out of such libelous notions must of necessity be but a parody on the true life in Christ.
It is most important to our spiritual welfare that we hold in our minds always a right conception of God. If we think of Him as cold and exacting, we shall find it impossible to love Him, and our lives will be ridden with servile fear. If, again, we hold Him to be kind and understanding our whole inner life will mirror that idea.
The truth is that God is the most winsome of all beings and His service is one of unspeakable pleasure. He is all love, and those who trust Him need never know anything but that love. He is just, indeed, and He will not condone sin; but through the blood of the everlasting covenant He is able to act toward us exactly as if we had never sinned. Toward the trusting sons of men His mercy will always triumph over justice.
Fellowship with God is delightful beyond all telling. He communes with His redeemed ones in an easy, uninhibited fellowship that is restful and healing to the soul. He is not sensitive nor selfish nor temperamental. What He is today we shall find Him tomorrow and the next day and the next year. He is not hard to please, though He may be hard to satisfy. He expects of us only what He has Himself first supplied. He is quick to mark every simple effort to please Him, and just as quick to overlook imperfections when He knows we meant to do His will. He loves us for ourselves and values our love more than galaxies of newly created worlds.
Unfortunately, many Christians cannot get free from their perverted notions of God, and these notions poison their hearts and destroy their inward freedom. These friends serve God grimly, as the elder brother did, doing what is right without enthusiasm and without joy, and seem altogether unable to understand the buoyant, spirited celebration when the prodigal comes home. Their idea of God rules out the possibility of His being happy in His people, and they attribute the singing and shouting to sheer fanaticism. Unhappy souls, these, doomed to go heavily on their melancholy way, grimly determined to do right if the heavens fall and to be in the winning side in the day of judgment.
How good it would be if we could learn that God is easy to live with. He remembers our frame and knows that we are dust. He may sometimes chasten us, it is true, but even this He does with a smile, the proud, tender smile of a Father who is bursting with pleasure over an imperfect but promising son who is coming every day to look more and more like the One whose child he is.
Some of us are religiously jumpy and self-conscious because we know that God sees our every thought and is acquainted with all our ways. We need not be. God is the sum of all patience and the essence of kindly good will. We please Him most, not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms with all our imperfections, and believing that He understands everything and loves us still.
How perfectly, God-timed it was for me to read that, and be challenged by it!
And then just this week, I wrote my meager little checks to all of our medical providers in the hopes of gaining their continued willingness to wait yet another month on payment from the insurance company. We had sent a letter to each provider, explaining the fraud, asking for patience as we made small payments and asking for consideration of a reduction in the cost. Our primary care doctor's office discounted the amount due for us, but we hadn't heard from any of the other providers. We just continued to make little payments each month. I mailed them all off on Monday. On Thursday afternoon, an envelope containing the payment I had made to the provider with one of the two highest balances (about $450 remaining) was returned to me with a note saying that they had received additional payment and that the account was now paid in full. I called when they opened on Friday to see if there was some mistake. She looked at my account and said that it was indeed paid in full, but she couldn't tell me why. There was no mention of anyone making payment. Both she and my insurance company confirmed that insurance didn't pay it. She said that if the company decided to write it off, they wouldn't have returned to me what little I did pay. Neither she nor I have no record or idea of how the "$0" balance came about. A $450 balance vanished into thin air, and the only explanation is God. How generous He is to us! How precious these "love notes" and gestures from God have been to me this week.
I claim no false piety. I am still scared and tired and overwhelmed and confused. I really still do feel like my heart has taken all the bad news it can handle on this journey. I still desperately hope God's answer will be yes next time and I still have a lot of fear. But I guess I no longer feel guilt and shame and fear and a desire to hide just because I HAVE those feelings. And know that God will manage them in His time so I no longer feel the self-imposed pressure to try to fix myself on out of them. I know that God knows my heart and my emotions and is not surprised by them. There's something so freeing in that. And in spite of all the feelings, I still KNOW the Truth. And in that Truth I rest my hope. My hope is not a feeling to come and go; it's a belief, a decision and I am able to make that choice by His grace, because of the One Who IS Hope. Praise the Lord!
Media Opportunity
Hi all,
I received this email today and I am passing it on, as requested. Please use the "Email Me" link on the right if you want this lady's contact information. This would be an amazing opportunity to tell the EA Story the way it should be told-from the minds and hearts of mommies who have been there, done that! Please let me know if you want to be in touch with her and please pray as she writes this story! I am grateful for her interest!
I received this email today and I am passing it on, as requested. Please use the "Email Me" link on the right if you want this lady's contact information. This would be an amazing opportunity to tell the EA Story the way it should be told-from the minds and hearts of mommies who have been there, done that! Please let me know if you want to be in touch with her and please pray as she writes this story! I am grateful for her interest!
I am a journalist doing a feature on embryo adoption for Grazia, the UK's highest selling glossy magazine. I would like to profile a British or American woman who is either currently pregnant or has had a baby through embryo adoption. This is an option we rarely hear about and because infertility affects so many British women, we would like to do a sensitive, first person memoir from someone who has done it.
I wondered if you could post my request on your website or help me make contact with anyone you think might be suitable - their story will be told with sensitivity and respect.
To find out more about my work please log on to www.annamagee.com.
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