I'm trying to think through the logistics, but would anyone be interested in an honor-system lending-library of IF books and resources. I've invested in quite a few and want to keep them, but wouldn't mind loaning them out. The glitch comes in making sure the books get back to me safely. What about loaning books with a a small, refundable deposit (through paypal or whatever). Is anyone interested in that?
Also, would anyone be interested in loaning out their books, too?
I'd love to talk through this with anyone interested and if I can figure out the logistics, I can post a list of what I have available.
Please respond in the comments or email me using the link on the right!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Not shortchanged?
I've mentioned my friend C here a few times before. She is a dear friend and mentor from church who lost her wonderful, godly husband just over a year ago.
Shortly after her husband's death, we were having a baby dedication in church. I'm usually actually ok through those because in our church, they're short and sweet. This particular day it felt like we were dedicating 200 children (impossible because we don't even have 200 people in our church!) and I couldn't handle it. I ran out of the church with tears in my eyes and broke down outside. C, who had led our women's Bible Study and had mentored me some before her husband's illness and thus knew some of what we were going through from what I had shared, ran out after me and threw her arms around me and said "I'm sorry. I know what it's like to want something so bad and not get it." We just wept and wept together. What she said was simple, but it has stayed with me as the single most precious thing anyone has done for or said to me specifically regarding infertility. I was humbled that this woman I loved and respected so much would reach out of her own rightful grief and sorrow to comfort me. She legitimized my pain by referencing a loss that the world treats as much more "grievable."
I reflect on that moment a lot. It was so simple, yet so meaningful to me. I can't even adequately describe why it was meaningful and I'm sure someone reading this account could easily go "So? Big deal?" But it remains significant just the same.
I was thinking about that moment the weekend after we received our latest diagnoses and I happened to run in to C at church in such a way that I could actually visit with her privately (she's a popular lady and always has half a dozen folks wanting to chat with her). I shared with her how much I'd been reflecting on that day and how comforting it had been to me. I also told her of our new developments and again she hugged and wept and prayed with me. She asked if we could go to coffee. My heart soared. I've missed C so much but in her own grief I didn't really feel comfortable in asking her for anything.
We met for coffee on the anniversary of my grandma's death, which I shared here was a tough day for me. I think I talked her ear off for almost 4 hours and she listened, encouraged, admonished, advised, and walked with me every moment. We did talk about how she is doing too, (though I admit I hogged the air time). One thing she shared was that she has come to realize that because Scripture tells us that our number of days on this earth is already known and predetermined by God, God did not short change P one single breath. I listened to that and filed it away in my mental drawer of "insightful things when contemplating death" but it didn't really resonate with me, which is ok, because it wasn't designed to--C was sharing her own heart about her own journey and I'm privileged to have been admitted entry.
However, this week I was mulling over our conversation and I considered it in light of Jeremiah 29:11, which says
But this week I thought about C's words and I thought about this passage and a still small voice whispered to me, "I [the Lord God] have not shortchanged myself any plans or dreams for you." This plan for infertility is not His "second best" for me. That was a hard pill to swallow because truthfully, it's easier to think that I've been cheated out of something than to consider that this really could be the Ultimate plan and not just a bump in the road or a delay that will one day still turn out the way I hope. Am I ok with this as a final destination? Honestly? I'm trying to be but I don't think I can say that I am. I won't say "no" because I don't reject God's sovereignty and I am much better than I was.
Considering our journey in this light hasn't been a fix-all, but it's definitely been surgery on my broken heart. It's still broken, but the brokenness feels more purposeful now and I am filled with hope and peace. I'll repost something that stuck out to me about Lewis' book again here:
I don't have any false piety here. I'm still broken hearted and I'm terrified in my heart of hearts that maybe He will say "no, forever" and I'll have to be ok with that. But right now I'm choosing to believe what my heart has more trouble accepting, that I am ready for "His Best," whatever it may be. I know I'll still have my days, weeks or months of grief and I think that's still ok. But may it never be that my grief robs me of the Joy of the Lord. I want to begin this New Year with a better understanding of His joy and His peace that passes understanding. I pray that for all of us! Today is a day of Hope and Peace for me. My heart is full in a new way. I'm still human and full of my own selfish desires but today Peace comforts all of that.
Shortly after her husband's death, we were having a baby dedication in church. I'm usually actually ok through those because in our church, they're short and sweet. This particular day it felt like we were dedicating 200 children (impossible because we don't even have 200 people in our church!) and I couldn't handle it. I ran out of the church with tears in my eyes and broke down outside. C, who had led our women's Bible Study and had mentored me some before her husband's illness and thus knew some of what we were going through from what I had shared, ran out after me and threw her arms around me and said "I'm sorry. I know what it's like to want something so bad and not get it." We just wept and wept together. What she said was simple, but it has stayed with me as the single most precious thing anyone has done for or said to me specifically regarding infertility. I was humbled that this woman I loved and respected so much would reach out of her own rightful grief and sorrow to comfort me. She legitimized my pain by referencing a loss that the world treats as much more "grievable."
I reflect on that moment a lot. It was so simple, yet so meaningful to me. I can't even adequately describe why it was meaningful and I'm sure someone reading this account could easily go "So? Big deal?" But it remains significant just the same.
I was thinking about that moment the weekend after we received our latest diagnoses and I happened to run in to C at church in such a way that I could actually visit with her privately (she's a popular lady and always has half a dozen folks wanting to chat with her). I shared with her how much I'd been reflecting on that day and how comforting it had been to me. I also told her of our new developments and again she hugged and wept and prayed with me. She asked if we could go to coffee. My heart soared. I've missed C so much but in her own grief I didn't really feel comfortable in asking her for anything.
We met for coffee on the anniversary of my grandma's death, which I shared here was a tough day for me. I think I talked her ear off for almost 4 hours and she listened, encouraged, admonished, advised, and walked with me every moment. We did talk about how she is doing too, (though I admit I hogged the air time). One thing she shared was that she has come to realize that because Scripture tells us that our number of days on this earth is already known and predetermined by God, God did not short change P one single breath. I listened to that and filed it away in my mental drawer of "insightful things when contemplating death" but it didn't really resonate with me, which is ok, because it wasn't designed to--C was sharing her own heart about her own journey and I'm privileged to have been admitted entry.
However, this week I was mulling over our conversation and I considered it in light of Jeremiah 29:11, which says
`For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, `plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.Lots of people have recited that to me, especially in recent months. But for some reason it always felt empty, hollow and minimizing, like "get over it-God has something better."
But this week I thought about C's words and I thought about this passage and a still small voice whispered to me, "I [the Lord God] have not shortchanged myself any plans or dreams for you." This plan for infertility is not His "second best" for me. That was a hard pill to swallow because truthfully, it's easier to think that I've been cheated out of something than to consider that this really could be the Ultimate plan and not just a bump in the road or a delay that will one day still turn out the way I hope. Am I ok with this as a final destination? Honestly? I'm trying to be but I don't think I can say that I am. I won't say "no" because I don't reject God's sovereignty and I am much better than I was.
Considering our journey in this light hasn't been a fix-all, but it's definitely been surgery on my broken heart. It's still broken, but the brokenness feels more purposeful now and I am filled with hope and peace. I'll repost something that stuck out to me about Lewis' book again here:
If I'm honest, I'll say that right now I really can't envision a "best" that doesn't include children. That kind of surgery doesn't make sense to me. I can see us having children one day and testifying about God's miracles and about His faithfulness to us in this time. And if we never have children, I can still see testifying to His faithfulness, but beyond that I really can't see how anything could be better. And I'll admit that I can only pray for the wisdom and courage to one day appreciate and embrace its richness with my whole heart. I'll be honest and even say that I hope that His best for us doesn't include permanent barrenness. But if it does, I am at least encouraged cerebrally that in God's cosmology, it will be best, whether I feel it or not in my heart. Whatever His best is, He has not shortchanged Himself of His dreams and plans for His glory in our lives, and thereby we are not shortchanged either, and have cause to rejoice.
The terrible thing is that a perfectly good God is in this matter hardly less formidable than a Cosmic Sadist. The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness...Suppose that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain up to that point would have been useless.
I don't have any false piety here. I'm still broken hearted and I'm terrified in my heart of hearts that maybe He will say "no, forever" and I'll have to be ok with that. But right now I'm choosing to believe what my heart has more trouble accepting, that I am ready for "His Best," whatever it may be. I know I'll still have my days, weeks or months of grief and I think that's still ok. But may it never be that my grief robs me of the Joy of the Lord. I want to begin this New Year with a better understanding of His joy and His peace that passes understanding. I pray that for all of us! Today is a day of Hope and Peace for me. My heart is full in a new way. I'm still human and full of my own selfish desires but today Peace comforts all of that.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
I wasn't doin anything, Mom...HONEST!
Another off-topic post but thought you all might like to see our "baby."
Meet Lewis. He's generally an obedient momma's boy but he has a new best friend--my brother's 100 pound puppy, Batman.
Batman has taught Lewis to dig. Lewis never dug before... he couldn't be bothered to do dog things. Now he digs all the time! He's constantly coming in with muddy paws and face but tonight was the worst. He trotted in all proud of himself and looking innocent, completely oblivious to the fact that he's wearing the evidence. I'd discipline him (DH hates it when he digs!) if I wasn't laughing so hard!
Click to enlarge for full effect. This really is mud, not anything else.
Meet Lewis. He's generally an obedient momma's boy but he has a new best friend--my brother's 100 pound puppy, Batman.
Batman has taught Lewis to dig. Lewis never dug before... he couldn't be bothered to do dog things. Now he digs all the time! He's constantly coming in with muddy paws and face but tonight was the worst. He trotted in all proud of himself and looking innocent, completely oblivious to the fact that he's wearing the evidence. I'd discipline him (DH hates it when he digs!) if I wasn't laughing so hard!
Click to enlarge for full effect. This really is mud, not anything else.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
7 Random Things about Me
I've been tagged by KC so I thought I'd complete this because it sounded like fun! This isn't about IF but since most of us are strangers to each other (rather, new friends!) I thought it might be fun if we all did it to get to know each other a little bit.
I'm supposed to post 7 random things about myself, so here goes, in no particular order.
1. I speak 4 languages, including English. At one time I was fluent in French and conversational in Spanish and Sign Language. I can still write business correspondence in French (oddly enough I have a lot of French customers--so neener neener neener to those who said I'd never use it ;) ) but it usually takes several moments and a good dictionary. I love to learn languages. One day when I have more discretionary time and money, I'd like to pick it up again.
2. I'm an olympic bargain hunter. I hate shopping, but I love to hunt for good deals. I coupon, price match, price watch, rebate and sale hunt--it's all in the thrill! Sometimes my pleasure with a purchase is as much with the story behind it as it is the item itself.
3. Jane Eyre is my favorite book and has been for all of my life in which I can remember having a favorite book. I read it in third grade and have loved it since. I try to reread it once a year. As I've gotten older I've come to love Jane as my own dear sister and role model so to speak and the book has changed my life, literally. At times it has encouraged me in my faith and at other times when my heart was broken and cold to the scriptures, God reached through that book to reach my heart again and whisper "I am still here." I also collect it in other languages, but I can't read any of the languages I have, save for the French one. I guess that's what I get with friends whose travel experiences are more exotic than my latin-based-language love. My other literary love is CS Lewis.
4. I am a horrible housekeeper but I love to homemake and entertain. It takes me a week to get my house company-ready, and for that matter, I don't have people other than our best friends over very often, but I have dreams of keeping a perfect, always ready home. Maybe some day. The chore I particularly hate is putting away laundry. I don't mind doing the laundry, but I hate to sort, fold, iron and hang it.
5. I'm the most passionate person I know. It's taken me a while to learn how to navigate this part of me, especially in Christendom where it's sometimes frowned upon. It's my biggest vice and my biggest virtue. I love that part of me and I hate it. God has spent the better part of the last 10 years of my life really teaching me about this gift He's given me and I think this particular journey is one I shall be on til I die.
6. I am fiercely opinionated but I'm hugely anti-confrontational (those of you who knew me in my high school and college years may find this hard to believe ;) ). I can debate til the cows come home on any intellectual subject but the second the conversation enters the realm of interpersonal relationships, I'm a big, fat chicken. I think it stems from being a people-pleaser to a fault.
7. I'm hugely old fashioned. I love old church hymns and contemporary songs modeled after hymns and I like very, very few modern worship and contemporary Christian music songs. The only time I'll be in jeans at church is on work day, and I have lots of notions about social propriety and manners (which I know is a huge contradiction because I do lots of traditionally "improper" things like watch movies, bare my soul to strangers on the internet, and keep a messy house ;). But my constant arguments with myself are a whole 'nother story! ;)
I'd love to read 7 random things about y'all so I'm tagging all my IF ladies on my blogroll --->
I'm supposed to post 7 random things about myself, so here goes, in no particular order.
1. I speak 4 languages, including English. At one time I was fluent in French and conversational in Spanish and Sign Language. I can still write business correspondence in French (oddly enough I have a lot of French customers--so neener neener neener to those who said I'd never use it ;) ) but it usually takes several moments and a good dictionary. I love to learn languages. One day when I have more discretionary time and money, I'd like to pick it up again.
2. I'm an olympic bargain hunter. I hate shopping, but I love to hunt for good deals. I coupon, price match, price watch, rebate and sale hunt--it's all in the thrill! Sometimes my pleasure with a purchase is as much with the story behind it as it is the item itself.
3. Jane Eyre is my favorite book and has been for all of my life in which I can remember having a favorite book. I read it in third grade and have loved it since. I try to reread it once a year. As I've gotten older I've come to love Jane as my own dear sister and role model so to speak and the book has changed my life, literally. At times it has encouraged me in my faith and at other times when my heart was broken and cold to the scriptures, God reached through that book to reach my heart again and whisper "I am still here." I also collect it in other languages, but I can't read any of the languages I have, save for the French one. I guess that's what I get with friends whose travel experiences are more exotic than my latin-based-language love. My other literary love is CS Lewis.
4. I am a horrible housekeeper but I love to homemake and entertain. It takes me a week to get my house company-ready, and for that matter, I don't have people other than our best friends over very often, but I have dreams of keeping a perfect, always ready home. Maybe some day. The chore I particularly hate is putting away laundry. I don't mind doing the laundry, but I hate to sort, fold, iron and hang it.
5. I'm the most passionate person I know. It's taken me a while to learn how to navigate this part of me, especially in Christendom where it's sometimes frowned upon. It's my biggest vice and my biggest virtue. I love that part of me and I hate it. God has spent the better part of the last 10 years of my life really teaching me about this gift He's given me and I think this particular journey is one I shall be on til I die.
6. I am fiercely opinionated but I'm hugely anti-confrontational (those of you who knew me in my high school and college years may find this hard to believe ;) ). I can debate til the cows come home on any intellectual subject but the second the conversation enters the realm of interpersonal relationships, I'm a big, fat chicken. I think it stems from being a people-pleaser to a fault.
7. I'm hugely old fashioned. I love old church hymns and contemporary songs modeled after hymns and I like very, very few modern worship and contemporary Christian music songs. The only time I'll be in jeans at church is on work day, and I have lots of notions about social propriety and manners (which I know is a huge contradiction because I do lots of traditionally "improper" things like watch movies, bare my soul to strangers on the internet, and keep a messy house ;). But my constant arguments with myself are a whole 'nother story! ;)
I'd love to read 7 random things about y'all so I'm tagging all my IF ladies on my blogroll --->
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas, dear friends and readers!
To everyone, I hope that you are blessed by the knowledge that God was compelled by His love for us and for His own glory to come to earth as a babe and shortly thereafter, pay the ransom for our sins. Those of us who have been Christians a long time know the meaning of Christmas, but I pray that it was made new to you in some way this year.
To my sweet IF sisters, I pray that God revealed some treasure to you beyond the painful manger scenes and songs that ministered to you in a certain way. I haven't found a special symbol but one song has been special on my heart this season and I received such a special gift in being able to spend Christmas in our own home. Being in our own home, establishing our own traditions and activities and sharing them made me feel like we were a "real" family instead of a tag along to someone else's Christmas. Don't get me wrong--I love both of our families and love spending holidays with them, but it was a special ministry to my spirit to have that tangible reality of our own family to establish with my DH this year.
Anyway, the song that was special to me this season was a song I'd never heard before this year. I'm one of those who loves the generic old Amy Grant Christmas CDs but this year I finally grew tired of them and went on a hunt and found the Avalon CD
. On it is a song called "Born on this Day." You can listen to it here. That link takes you to a youtube of a Christmas lights display--I haven't really watched it but it's the only decent recording of the song I can find online so if you don't want to watch, just play it in the background to listen ;) anyway...I'd never heard it before this year. I live under a rock in the Contemporary Christian Music world, I know. Man, am I long winded tonight. Back to the topic at hand...
So...my usual favorite Christmas song is "Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant, but this year the song from a pregnant mom's perspective was too much for me so I played it once or twice and then put it away. "Born on this Day" has the title words in the song, but that's about all in the song that is actually about Jesus as a baby. Instead the song glorifies Christ in the totality of His being--for everything He is and who He was and why He came here. I found it much easier to celebrate the totality of Christ and His existence, and not just His birth. I played the song over and over again, and sang my heart out. During church services when "Silent Night" and "Away in a Manger" became too much for me, I meditated on this song quietly instead.
This has been an interesting week.
My parents arrived on Saturday and we went to the movies and out to dinner and then due to some circumstances, we couldn't get to one of the activities I had planned. So instead, we walked around the Christmas lights display of a local housing community. While there, we witnessed a woman beating her child (this was clearly *not* disciplining-it was closed fisted hitting/punching on the face while she pinned him to the ground). We intervened and called the police and the long and short of it is that from what we observed, they did pretty much nothing, but maybe it got this child on their radar. If you think of it, pray for this little boy. DH and I wrestled a lot with thoughts about why this woman was even allowed to have a child (she was lamenting how she'd had to "put up with him" for 10 years) but mostly we tried to focus on being thankful that we and my family were there to intervene for this little boy. Hopefully he knew, at least that night, that there are people who care for him. Please intercede when you think of him.
The next day we went to a Danish Museum. We were in the door not two seconds when we were pounced on by an overzealous curator who proceeded to tell us about the family who built the house and its history. She said that a man built the house for his wife. The woman said that the wife "was a spinster-she never had any kids. So instead, her husband built her a nice house." I hated that word spinster. I realize she didn't use it properly but I still hated hearing it.
In the next room there was a Christmas Tree adorned with Danish ornaments. I was admiring it when the same curator interrupted my thoughts by taking me around to one side and pointing out the stork and the little baby in its mouth.
Then we went to the St. John's Bible Exhibit at the Art Museum. I was really appreciating the beauty of a particular page when my eye fell to the text. It was the story of Rachel and Leah.
Last night we went to church and the sermon was about Jesus as a Baby. It wasn't your typical Nativity story--it emphasized how even in His birth and infancy, Christ was perfect. He had to communicate wet clothes, hunger, displeasure, etc, perfectly and without sinning. He had to respond to discipline perfectly, and to his parents' mistakes perfectly. The pastor brought his grand baby up on stage and all around me there were families of children. I made it about 5 minutes in to the sermon and excused myself. It was wonderful to be at church but I'm trying to take a lot of the advice I've heard and recognize my own limits.
I've been pondering on all these things. Am I just hypersensitive so I noticed an abnormally high amount of references to pregnancies, children, etc, or did I encounter these things specifically so that I might be challenged? I would wish that I could take them as "signs" (especially the stork! ;) ) but I'm not sure I believe God works that way. So, I have a lot to think about. I haven't come to any conclusions and I've considered a host of possibilities so I'm just filing them in my "maybe this will make more sense later" file.
I've been reading The Infertility Companion: Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility (Christian Medical Association)
. While I won't officially recommend it yet because I haven't finished it, I have found it to be immensely helpful and even my DH is enjoying reading it. I'll post a full review soon. It's been a good catalyst for working through some of these thoughts and emotions.
We celebrated Christmas with my family yesterday because they got on the road today. My DH gave me the sweetest, most generous gifts for Christmas and my Birthday. He upgraded my camera, gave me 2 new lenses and bought me a fancy schmancy speedlight (flash). He said that he really wanted me to have something to distract me as we started this new year that is bound to be filled with appointments, procedures, exams and waiting. He also said that with the things we'll likely have to do in the coming year in the way of medical expenses, it will be a while til we can splurge again so he wanted to do something special. He squirreled away money for months and did a ton of research. I'm so overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness. As I've shared before, my love language is time and there is evidence of so much time invested in his choice of gifts and the specific models and vendors he chose.
My heart is full. Elkanah once said to Hannah, "Why do you weep and why do you not eat and why is your heart sad? Am I not better to you than ten sons?" How precious is my DH to me, more than all the children in the world! Thank you, Sweet Jesus for this reminder of what a gift I've already been given in walking this life with him as my beloved.
My family has thankfully, safely arrived home back in California now. We'll celebrate with Todd's parents and brother and his family tomorrow night after work which we're looking forward to. We'll hopefully get to see grandpa and grandma and his sister in the New Year (hopefully not too far in to it!).
If you think of it, remember my friend Jessica in your thoughts and prayers. She's carrying precious twins, Kate and Jane, but they are monoamniotic, which leads to a high risk of cord accidents, and other birth complications. She has to go in for daily monitoring and then after the new year, will be checked in until their birth. Please keep her, her twins, as well as her husband and other two children in your prayers. Pray that the girls would be kept safely in utero until the proper time for a full term delivery. I know my IF prayer sisters have hearts for unborn babies like no one else so please make room for these little girls and their momma!
Please also remember us on Thursday when we have our first visit to the new doctor. This will be just a test and questionnaire administered to us by his nurse and we won't actually see him til January 17 but hopefully we'll at least get a good feel for the office and it feels good to be starting something new.
I pray that you all have had a blessed Merry Christmas. And my IF sisters, know that you and your DHs are especially on my heart today. I've been thinking about all of us. I have nothing profound to offer but know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
ETA: I just re-read this again. I was all over the place tonight! Guess I've wanted to write for several days and all my thoughts came jumbled out . Thanks for wading through it all! :)
To everyone, I hope that you are blessed by the knowledge that God was compelled by His love for us and for His own glory to come to earth as a babe and shortly thereafter, pay the ransom for our sins. Those of us who have been Christians a long time know the meaning of Christmas, but I pray that it was made new to you in some way this year.
To my sweet IF sisters, I pray that God revealed some treasure to you beyond the painful manger scenes and songs that ministered to you in a certain way. I haven't found a special symbol but one song has been special on my heart this season and I received such a special gift in being able to spend Christmas in our own home. Being in our own home, establishing our own traditions and activities and sharing them made me feel like we were a "real" family instead of a tag along to someone else's Christmas. Don't get me wrong--I love both of our families and love spending holidays with them, but it was a special ministry to my spirit to have that tangible reality of our own family to establish with my DH this year.
Anyway, the song that was special to me this season was a song I'd never heard before this year. I'm one of those who loves the generic old Amy Grant Christmas CDs but this year I finally grew tired of them and went on a hunt and found the Avalon CD
. On it is a song called "Born on this Day." You can listen to it here. That link takes you to a youtube of a Christmas lights display--I haven't really watched it but it's the only decent recording of the song I can find online so if you don't want to watch, just play it in the background to listen ;) anyway...I'd never heard it before this year. I live under a rock in the Contemporary Christian Music world, I know. Man, am I long winded tonight. Back to the topic at hand...So...my usual favorite Christmas song is "Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant, but this year the song from a pregnant mom's perspective was too much for me so I played it once or twice and then put it away. "Born on this Day" has the title words in the song, but that's about all in the song that is actually about Jesus as a baby. Instead the song glorifies Christ in the totality of His being--for everything He is and who He was and why He came here. I found it much easier to celebrate the totality of Christ and His existence, and not just His birth. I played the song over and over again, and sang my heart out. During church services when "Silent Night" and "Away in a Manger" became too much for me, I meditated on this song quietly instead.
This has been an interesting week.
My parents arrived on Saturday and we went to the movies and out to dinner and then due to some circumstances, we couldn't get to one of the activities I had planned. So instead, we walked around the Christmas lights display of a local housing community. While there, we witnessed a woman beating her child (this was clearly *not* disciplining-it was closed fisted hitting/punching on the face while she pinned him to the ground). We intervened and called the police and the long and short of it is that from what we observed, they did pretty much nothing, but maybe it got this child on their radar. If you think of it, pray for this little boy. DH and I wrestled a lot with thoughts about why this woman was even allowed to have a child (she was lamenting how she'd had to "put up with him" for 10 years) but mostly we tried to focus on being thankful that we and my family were there to intervene for this little boy. Hopefully he knew, at least that night, that there are people who care for him. Please intercede when you think of him.
The next day we went to a Danish Museum. We were in the door not two seconds when we were pounced on by an overzealous curator who proceeded to tell us about the family who built the house and its history. She said that a man built the house for his wife. The woman said that the wife "was a spinster-she never had any kids. So instead, her husband built her a nice house." I hated that word spinster. I realize she didn't use it properly but I still hated hearing it.
In the next room there was a Christmas Tree adorned with Danish ornaments. I was admiring it when the same curator interrupted my thoughts by taking me around to one side and pointing out the stork and the little baby in its mouth.
Then we went to the St. John's Bible Exhibit at the Art Museum. I was really appreciating the beauty of a particular page when my eye fell to the text. It was the story of Rachel and Leah.
Last night we went to church and the sermon was about Jesus as a Baby. It wasn't your typical Nativity story--it emphasized how even in His birth and infancy, Christ was perfect. He had to communicate wet clothes, hunger, displeasure, etc, perfectly and without sinning. He had to respond to discipline perfectly, and to his parents' mistakes perfectly. The pastor brought his grand baby up on stage and all around me there were families of children. I made it about 5 minutes in to the sermon and excused myself. It was wonderful to be at church but I'm trying to take a lot of the advice I've heard and recognize my own limits.
I've been pondering on all these things. Am I just hypersensitive so I noticed an abnormally high amount of references to pregnancies, children, etc, or did I encounter these things specifically so that I might be challenged? I would wish that I could take them as "signs" (especially the stork! ;) ) but I'm not sure I believe God works that way. So, I have a lot to think about. I haven't come to any conclusions and I've considered a host of possibilities so I'm just filing them in my "maybe this will make more sense later" file.
I've been reading The Infertility Companion: Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility (Christian Medical Association)
. While I won't officially recommend it yet because I haven't finished it, I have found it to be immensely helpful and even my DH is enjoying reading it. I'll post a full review soon. It's been a good catalyst for working through some of these thoughts and emotions.We celebrated Christmas with my family yesterday because they got on the road today. My DH gave me the sweetest, most generous gifts for Christmas and my Birthday. He upgraded my camera, gave me 2 new lenses and bought me a fancy schmancy speedlight (flash). He said that he really wanted me to have something to distract me as we started this new year that is bound to be filled with appointments, procedures, exams and waiting. He also said that with the things we'll likely have to do in the coming year in the way of medical expenses, it will be a while til we can splurge again so he wanted to do something special. He squirreled away money for months and did a ton of research. I'm so overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness. As I've shared before, my love language is time and there is evidence of so much time invested in his choice of gifts and the specific models and vendors he chose.
My heart is full. Elkanah once said to Hannah, "Why do you weep and why do you not eat and why is your heart sad? Am I not better to you than ten sons?" How precious is my DH to me, more than all the children in the world! Thank you, Sweet Jesus for this reminder of what a gift I've already been given in walking this life with him as my beloved.
My family has thankfully, safely arrived home back in California now. We'll celebrate with Todd's parents and brother and his family tomorrow night after work which we're looking forward to. We'll hopefully get to see grandpa and grandma and his sister in the New Year (hopefully not too far in to it!).
If you think of it, remember my friend Jessica in your thoughts and prayers. She's carrying precious twins, Kate and Jane, but they are monoamniotic, which leads to a high risk of cord accidents, and other birth complications. She has to go in for daily monitoring and then after the new year, will be checked in until their birth. Please keep her, her twins, as well as her husband and other two children in your prayers. Pray that the girls would be kept safely in utero until the proper time for a full term delivery. I know my IF prayer sisters have hearts for unborn babies like no one else so please make room for these little girls and their momma!
Please also remember us on Thursday when we have our first visit to the new doctor. This will be just a test and questionnaire administered to us by his nurse and we won't actually see him til January 17 but hopefully we'll at least get a good feel for the office and it feels good to be starting something new.
I pray that you all have had a blessed Merry Christmas. And my IF sisters, know that you and your DHs are especially on my heart today. I've been thinking about all of us. I have nothing profound to offer but know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
ETA: I just re-read this again. I was all over the place tonight! Guess I've wanted to write for several days and all my thoughts came jumbled out . Thanks for wading through it all! :)
Friday, December 21, 2007
Le Sigh: Doctor Update
Happy Birthday to me <*eyeroll*>
My doctor just called me with the results of my Ultrasound. I have another cyst, as big as the previous one that was surgically removed. <*sigh*>
I'm not stressed about the cyst itself. I was the last time but having been through the surgery once before, I know how easy it was so I am a lot better off than I was this time of year (almost exactly), 2 years ago.
What stresses me out it that it's my left side. This stresses me out for two reasons. First, I continue to experience regular pain on my right side which is now unexplained. I've never had even a twinge on my left side. Second, all of my other problems with cysts, scar tissue, adhesions and blockages have all been on my right side. I was really taking comfort in the fact that I had one working side, especially if we are able to get the other problems fixed or improved. So, it scares me that I now have problems on both sides.
The doctor did say that this is a simple cyst and he told me that my other one was a complex cyst. I'm not sure what that difference means but he said it with the intent to encourage so I guess that whatever it means is good (rather, better) news. He told me they'll repeat the ultrasound in 3 months to see if it has gone away on its own. He had hope that the first one would go away on its own, too and it didn't so I do confess I'm not as optimistic as he is, but I don't mind waiting and giving it a try. At least it's not causing me pain, and it won't grow much more in 3 months so there's nothing to lose.
I'd appreciate your prayers that this one dissolves, that the pain on my right side would be relieved, that I would be protected from pain on my left side from this cyst, and that my left side would be protected from future complications.
Thank you!
My doctor just called me with the results of my Ultrasound. I have another cyst, as big as the previous one that was surgically removed. <*sigh*>
I'm not stressed about the cyst itself. I was the last time but having been through the surgery once before, I know how easy it was so I am a lot better off than I was this time of year (almost exactly), 2 years ago.
What stresses me out it that it's my left side. This stresses me out for two reasons. First, I continue to experience regular pain on my right side which is now unexplained. I've never had even a twinge on my left side. Second, all of my other problems with cysts, scar tissue, adhesions and blockages have all been on my right side. I was really taking comfort in the fact that I had one working side, especially if we are able to get the other problems fixed or improved. So, it scares me that I now have problems on both sides.
The doctor did say that this is a simple cyst and he told me that my other one was a complex cyst. I'm not sure what that difference means but he said it with the intent to encourage so I guess that whatever it means is good (rather, better) news. He told me they'll repeat the ultrasound in 3 months to see if it has gone away on its own. He had hope that the first one would go away on its own, too and it didn't so I do confess I'm not as optimistic as he is, but I don't mind waiting and giving it a try. At least it's not causing me pain, and it won't grow much more in 3 months so there's nothing to lose.
I'd appreciate your prayers that this one dissolves, that the pain on my right side would be relieved, that I would be protected from pain on my left side from this cyst, and that my left side would be protected from future complications.
Thank you!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
My Birthday
My birthday is tomorrow (which is technically an hour from now).
Edit: My birthday is today (Friday, December 21)
I've been dreading it because it's a reminder that I'm another year older and still don't have a little one in my arms. I've also been dreading it because both of my parents and my brother's birthdays are this week, plus Christmas (what can I say, generations of my family have apparently liked to get busy in March ;) ) anyway, as my and DH's parents get older, it gets harder for me because I just think of the lost years our kids are losing with their grandparents. Plus all the family celebrations are just a reminder of the "hole" in our family (thanks C for the great phraseology and articulation).
And on top of that my birthday is so royally inconvenient (in its proximity to Christmas) for everyone that I usually end up feeling like more of a nuisance than a celebrant.
So suffice it to say I haven't actually been looking forward to my birthday.
Tonight we went out to dinner with our best friends. They're leaving tomorrow for out of town so we couldn't celebrate then. I mentioned the other day that I felt a distance between us and them. Tonight was the first night in a long time that everything felt "normal" between us. And it was so much fun. It reminded me of what we've been missing. And we talked briefly about the distance and discovered what we think is the cause and fixed it. That was it. No fighting, no weirdness, no drama. I can't even tell you what a huge relief that is for this anti confrontational person. So already I feel refreshed in that relationship and I am grateful for that answer to prayer.
The lightheartedness of the evening really lifted my spirits and I'm not longer dreading tomorrow...almost because it feels like my birthday is over anyway and it went off without a hitch, without a breakdown, without any tears--huzzah! One day down, lots more to go.
But most of all it was a reminder that there is more to my life, more to my relationships, more to the source of my "mood" than this beast of IF. I felt normal. I felt human. I didn't feel like I was branded with this Scarlet "I" on my chest.
So I'm thankful for the encouragement of sweet friends and fellowship. I'm thankful for the conversations of prayer I've been able to have with God this week and the ways He has ministered to me.
I'm also thankful for all of your comments, emails and phone calls. Sometimes emails are hard for me to answer right now so if I don't write back, please know it's not because I'm ignoring you or distressed about what you wrote--everything I've received has been so sweet. I just don't have it in me to write back right now. Blogging in to cyberspace is different because I feel like I'm not burdening anyone. I can talk as freely and for as long as I want and people don't have to read if they don't want to. In direct interpersonal communication I'm still a little more intimidated. I hope you understand and forgive my silence. Please know it's not out of a lack of appreciation or gratitude.
One thing you should know about me--I process things deeply, but quickly. Sometimes that scares me because I hate that. The tears and grief of a couple days ago already feel but a shadow and I'm back to an "ok" point. I was feeling guilty about that but a dear friend (thanks again C) encouraged me that there is no "right" way to do this or "correct" time line of when to process or how long to take doing it so I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and appreciate the heights and depths for what they are. Patsy Claremont shared at the Women of Faith Conference this year that the Mountain tops are beautiful, but most of life is lived in the Valley. That just makes us appreciate the Mountains more. So I'm trying to appreciate this Valley. I'm not doing justice to her words because she didn't mean it in a depressing, condemning way and I feel like that's how I'm representing it. She just meant that life is tough but that doesn't make the path God has us on any less beautiful. So I've been meditating on that lately, trying to maintain a virtuous longing for the mountain tops, but also appreciating the beauty of the valley.
Edit: My birthday is today (Friday, December 21)
I've been dreading it because it's a reminder that I'm another year older and still don't have a little one in my arms. I've also been dreading it because both of my parents and my brother's birthdays are this week, plus Christmas (what can I say, generations of my family have apparently liked to get busy in March ;) ) anyway, as my and DH's parents get older, it gets harder for me because I just think of the lost years our kids are losing with their grandparents. Plus all the family celebrations are just a reminder of the "hole" in our family (thanks C for the great phraseology and articulation).
And on top of that my birthday is so royally inconvenient (in its proximity to Christmas) for everyone that I usually end up feeling like more of a nuisance than a celebrant.
So suffice it to say I haven't actually been looking forward to my birthday.
Tonight we went out to dinner with our best friends. They're leaving tomorrow for out of town so we couldn't celebrate then. I mentioned the other day that I felt a distance between us and them. Tonight was the first night in a long time that everything felt "normal" between us. And it was so much fun. It reminded me of what we've been missing. And we talked briefly about the distance and discovered what we think is the cause and fixed it. That was it. No fighting, no weirdness, no drama. I can't even tell you what a huge relief that is for this anti confrontational person. So already I feel refreshed in that relationship and I am grateful for that answer to prayer.
The lightheartedness of the evening really lifted my spirits and I'm not longer dreading tomorrow...almost because it feels like my birthday is over anyway and it went off without a hitch, without a breakdown, without any tears--huzzah! One day down, lots more to go.
But most of all it was a reminder that there is more to my life, more to my relationships, more to the source of my "mood" than this beast of IF. I felt normal. I felt human. I didn't feel like I was branded with this Scarlet "I" on my chest.
So I'm thankful for the encouragement of sweet friends and fellowship. I'm thankful for the conversations of prayer I've been able to have with God this week and the ways He has ministered to me.
I'm also thankful for all of your comments, emails and phone calls. Sometimes emails are hard for me to answer right now so if I don't write back, please know it's not because I'm ignoring you or distressed about what you wrote--everything I've received has been so sweet. I just don't have it in me to write back right now. Blogging in to cyberspace is different because I feel like I'm not burdening anyone. I can talk as freely and for as long as I want and people don't have to read if they don't want to. In direct interpersonal communication I'm still a little more intimidated. I hope you understand and forgive my silence. Please know it's not out of a lack of appreciation or gratitude.
One thing you should know about me--I process things deeply, but quickly. Sometimes that scares me because I hate that. The tears and grief of a couple days ago already feel but a shadow and I'm back to an "ok" point. I was feeling guilty about that but a dear friend (thanks again C) encouraged me that there is no "right" way to do this or "correct" time line of when to process or how long to take doing it so I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and appreciate the heights and depths for what they are. Patsy Claremont shared at the Women of Faith Conference this year that the Mountain tops are beautiful, but most of life is lived in the Valley. That just makes us appreciate the Mountains more. So I'm trying to appreciate this Valley. I'm not doing justice to her words because she didn't mean it in a depressing, condemning way and I feel like that's how I'm representing it. She just meant that life is tough but that doesn't make the path God has us on any less beautiful. So I've been meditating on that lately, trying to maintain a virtuous longing for the mountain tops, but also appreciating the beauty of the valley.
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