A week later; still jumbled, but no longer as one without hope

Hi again, dear friends!

What a marvelous gift that technology can be to us. God uses it to bless me so often with such sweet support from so many of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love and encouragement!

It's now a week later. I have been learning so much, just this week.

I've been listening to the song "Heaven is the Face" by Steven Curtis Chapman. He wrote the song after his youngest daughter was killed in a terrible accident.

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, "Daddy please come play with me for awhile"

God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
So right now

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door

But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space
All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphans' bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there's no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there's no more enemy
No more

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl
Heaven in the face of my little girl

Our hearts broke so much for the Chapmans when Maria died. And though this song is hers, they've shared that this song is public to help others, too. And it has helped me, so much. I've had a lot of good tears over this song and it's challenged some thoughts.

In 1 way, it's been freeing. I spend so much time telling myself how to feel instead of just acknowledging what I AM feeling. And one thing I've really struggled with is being short-sighted in my grief and not appreciating the more eternal things, like Heaven, and God's glory and the "so much more" that SCC refers to. Right now, Heaven is the place where we'll finally get to meet our little girls. And I long so desperately for that. But I love the lines in the song that I bolded. I will get to meet them there, but they will be eager to bring me to Jesus. By taking them out of frozen storage, God used my body to bring them home to Jesus. One day they will lead *me* to Jesus. And that's beautiful and praiseworthy, even if it hurts.

The other thing that occurred to me tonight is that I usually think of my girls as dead. My grief overwhelms me at times and I often stop at the part in the story where they died. But by God's grace and mercy alone, they are more alive than they would have ever been here, than I have ever been even now. That is cause for jubilation, not weeping. I know it's ok to still miss them, but I need to remember the rest of the story. Don't get me wrong. I still miss them more than I can say. I wonder what they would have looked like. I wondered if they'd like country music and Packer Football. I wonder if they would have played sports or a musical instrument. I wonder what their hair would have smelled like and what their smiles would have looked like. But, though I'll never get the maple-syrup kisses from them, but they already have the "so much more" and that is a great gift to me. I am thankful for God's merciful compassion on them.

My biological father was physically abusive to my mother and emotionally and verbally abusive to me. The role of "father" is largely, not a positive association in my mind. I grew up an Arminian. Most of my family members (myself included) are hot-tempered. I'm a people pleaser and pretty naturally compliant to rules and expectations. Several significant relationships with various people in previous years ended in betrayal or abandonment. The end result (rather, the result up to now, for thank God, He is not finished with me yet!) is that I am a people pleaser to a fault, a compulsive rule-follower, and one who easily errs on the side of legalism.

And from that set of factors, most of my life has been spent living inside these "fence laws" that I have set up for myself, to make sure I stayed in a place that was pleasing to the heavy-handed, easily offended God I had conjured in my head. In my mind, good little Christian girls didn't express displeasure or anger or disappointment with God, never reached the end of their ropes with the trials dealt to them, and were always working to keep Him happy with them. They don't question, they just do. They are grateful for even the tiniest speck of attention and have no right to ask for more. I don't even like to sing songs about God loving me, because I've always felt that took attention away from God and put it on me. I have always felt in easy danger of doing something to become unloved by everyone in my life, including God.

I think I hit my rock bottom last week. And I might still be there. But there's a shift that's happened in my heart. And honestly, I don't think that shift could have happened before in my old paradigm. The problem is, that I didn't even really realize the barriers I had put up between myself and God. So in an attempt to hide these feelings from Him, (which is foolish for He already knew them) and instead put on the feelings I thought I "should" be feeling, all I did was create distance and dishonesty. Last week, I was so exhausted, I couldn't even play those games with myself. It all came out. The guttural, aching, longing, shameless feelings--every last one of them--came up from all the places I had buried them in the name of Christian duty. I couldn't have stopped the tears and the admissions and the desperation, even if I wanted to. But what came was a never-before experienced honesty with myself, and with God. And to my surprise, He was not offended, exasperated, impatient, disappointed or even surprised. He gathered me in His arms, and ministered to my heart. That's just so, so different, than everything I've ever known. And I'm overwhelmed by it.

I've experienced the personal love of Christ this week in a way that I've not ever felt before. I wish I could explain it. It's as if He's been saying "now that we've cut through all of that, the work and the love can really begin!" Because of this journey, I now understand the image portrayed in the song of running into His arms, and not just the one bowing distantly and reverently at His feet (which is also appropriate, but just a different face of God).

So, while hitting rock bottom was a lousy, exhausting feeling, it resulted in the beginning of great healing and new-found trust and love. And I am so grateful for His patience in tenderly bringing me here.

You know how when you're paying attention in love, you notice all the little gestures? You notice that your sweetie pie does the dishes or takes out the trash or gets ready quietly in the morning so you can sleep or lets you have the last of the milk with your cereal or always kisses you goodnight? They're not the grand Hollywood-style gestures, but they're what make you love the person all over again every morning? I've been noticing a lot of those "little" gestures from God.

About a month ago, DH and I started on the envelope system of budgeting. And let me tell you, it's been a tough adjustment. We always had enough money to go around, but we just weren't as careful or as disciplined as we should have been with the discretionary part of the budget. Every time we wanted or thought we "needed" something, we'd just buy it. By the end of the month, we'd spent a huge chunk of money on convenience and excess. So now, I'm counting every penny. I have a modest amount in my envelope each month for things around the house-printer paper, home repair items, air conditioning filters, etc--pretty much anything for inside the home that isn't found at the grocery store. Well, when the amount is as modest as ours is, it's hard to want to spend it on anything. We both needed new pillows because we woke up several mornings in a row with sore necks. Well, we got creative and found an old gift card we hadn't used, a coupon and a sale and marched on over and walked out for 2 new pillows for about $2 out of the envelope. Then, the printer ran out of paper. I really didn't want to go and spend my envelope on printer paper. The next day, DH brought home a ream of office paper that he literally found in a car he was working on. (By the time he gets the car, he also gets anything still left in it. That's resulted in some...err...um, interesting finds over the years).

We have a store here where you can buy and sell used books, video games, music and electronic devices. We had trade-in credit and we really wanted to find the two books by Dave Ramsey, whose model we're trying to follow as we infuse more financial discipline into our lives. The waiting lists at the library for his books are dozens of people long. I called every one of this particular chain of used stores and the story was the same in all of them: his books rarely come in and when they do, they fly right off the shelves. But, over the course of some phone calls and 4 visits to the store, I was able to find both books. With the first one, I literally called right after someone turned it in. With the second one, we happened in the store on a lark (and it was a location we'd never been to!) and in the entire section on personal finance, the only book written by anyone in the R section of the alphabet was, you guessed it-the other book. And it had just been put out on the floor within the previous couple of days or so.

My Pastor has me transcribing a sermon series he did on Gideon. He gave it to me to transcribe just before the end of the year but it was at a time when my finger was still really bad and typing was painful. Then when Mike got sick, I wasn't keeping office hours and the office is where the tapes and transcription machine are. So, between those two things, I didn't get to start transcribing it until last week. I'm half way through it and the messages I've typed this week just "happen" to be about God's patience, fatherly love, and forbearing character.

And in it, he refers to this wonderful passage by AW Tozer:

SATAN'S FIRST ATTACK upon the human race was his sly effort to destroy Eve's confidence in the kindness of God. Unfortunately for her and for us, he succeeded too well. From that day, men have had a false conception of God, and it is exactly this that has cut out from under them the ground of righteousness and driven them to reckless and destructive living.

Nothing twists and deforms the soul more than a low or unworthy conception of God. Certain sects, such as Pharisees, while they held that God was stern and austere, managed to maintain a fairly high level of external morality; but their righteousness was only outward. Inwardly they were "white sepulchres," as our Lord Himself told them. Their wrong conception of God resulted in a wrong idea of worship. To a Pharisee, the service of God was a bondage which he did not love but from which he could not escape without a loss too great to bear. The God of the Pharisee was not an easy God to live with, so his religion became grim and hard and loveless. It had to be so, for our notion of God must always determine the quality of our religion.

Much Christianity since the days of Christ's flesh has also been grim and severe. And the cause has been the same - an unworthy or an inadequate view of God. Instinctively we try to be like our God, and if He is conceived to be stern and exacting, so will we ourselves be.

From a failure to properly understand God comes a world of unhappiness among good Christians even today. The Christian life is thought to be a glum, unrelieved cross-carrying under the eye of a stern Father who expects much and excuses nothing. He is austere, peevish, highly temperamental, and extremely hard to please. The kind of life which springs out of such libelous notions must of necessity be but a parody on the true life in Christ.

It is most important to our spiritual welfare that we hold in our minds always a right conception of God. If we think of Him as cold and exacting, we shall find it impossible to love Him, and our lives will be ridden with servile fear. If, again, we hold Him to be kind and understanding our whole inner life will mirror that idea.

The truth is that God is the most winsome of all beings and His service is one of unspeakable pleasure. He is all love, and those who trust Him need never know anything but that love. He is just, indeed, and He will not condone sin; but through the blood of the everlasting covenant He is able to act toward us exactly as if we had never sinned. Toward the trusting sons of men His mercy will always triumph over justice.

Fellowship with God is delightful beyond all telling. He communes with His redeemed ones in an easy, uninhibited fellowship that is restful and healing to the soul. He is not sensitive nor selfish nor temperamental. What He is today we shall find Him tomorrow and the next day and the next year. He is not hard to please, though He may be hard to satisfy. He expects of us only what He has Himself first supplied. He is quick to mark every simple effort to please Him, and just as quick to overlook imperfections when He knows we meant to do His will. He loves us for ourselves and values our love more than galaxies of newly created worlds.

Unfortunately, many Christians cannot get free from their perverted notions of God, and these notions poison their hearts and destroy their inward freedom. These friends serve God grimly, as the elder brother did, doing what is right without enthusiasm and without joy, and seem altogether unable to understand the buoyant, spirited celebration when the prodigal comes home. Their idea of God rules out the possibility of His being happy in His people, and they attribute the singing and shouting to sheer fanaticism. Unhappy souls, these, doomed to go heavily on their melancholy way, grimly determined to do right if the heavens fall and to be in the winning side in the day of judgment.

How good it would be if we could learn that God is easy to live with. He remembers our frame and knows that we are dust. He may sometimes chasten us, it is true, but even this He does with a smile, the proud, tender smile of a Father who is bursting with pleasure over an imperfect but promising son who is coming every day to look more and more like the One whose child he is.

Some of us are religiously jumpy and self-conscious because we know that God sees our every thought and is acquainted with all our ways. We need not be. God is the sum of all patience and the essence of kindly good will. We please Him most, not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms with all our imperfections, and believing that He understands everything and loves us still.

How perfectly, God-timed it was for me to read that, and be challenged by it!

And then just this week, I wrote my meager little checks to all of our medical providers in the hopes of gaining their continued willingness to wait yet another month on payment from the insurance company. We had sent a letter to each provider, explaining the fraud, asking for patience as we made small payments and asking for consideration of a reduction in the cost. Our primary care doctor's office discounted the amount due for us, but we hadn't heard from any of the other providers. We just continued to make little payments each month. I mailed them all off on Monday. On Thursday afternoon, an envelope containing the payment I had made to the provider with one of the two highest balances (about $450 remaining) was returned to me with a note saying that they had received additional payment and that the account was now paid in full. I called when they opened on Friday to see if there was some mistake. She looked at my account and said that it was indeed paid in full, but she couldn't tell me why. There was no mention of anyone making payment. Both she and my insurance company confirmed that insurance didn't pay it. She said that if the company decided to write it off, they wouldn't have returned to me what little I did pay. Neither she nor I have no record or idea of how the "$0" balance came about. A $450 balance vanished into thin air, and the only explanation is God. How generous He is to us! How precious these "love notes" and gestures from God have been to me this week.

I claim no false piety. I am still scared and tired and overwhelmed and confused. I really still do feel like my heart has taken all the bad news it can handle on this journey. I still desperately hope God's answer will be yes next time and I still have a lot of fear. But I guess I no longer feel guilt and shame and fear and a desire to hide just because I HAVE those feelings. And know that God will manage them in His time so I no longer feel the self-imposed pressure to try to fix myself on out of them. I know that God knows my heart and my emotions and is not surprised by them. There's something so freeing in that. And in spite of all the feelings, I still KNOW the Truth. And in that Truth I rest my hope. My hope is not a feeling to come and go; it's a belief, a decision and I am able to make that choice by His grace, because of the One Who IS Hope. Praise the Lord!

Media Opportunity

Hi all,
I received this email today and I am passing it on, as requested. Please use the "Email Me" link on the right if you want this lady's contact information. This would be an amazing opportunity to tell the EA Story the way it should be told-from the minds and hearts of mommies who have been there, done that! Please let me know if you want to be in touch with her and please pray as she writes this story! I am grateful for her interest!

I am a journalist doing a feature on embryo adoption for Grazia, the UK's highest selling glossy magazine. I would like to profile a British or American woman who is either currently pregnant or has had a baby through embryo adoption. This is an option we rarely hear about and because infertility affects so many British women, we would like to do a sensitive, first person memoir from someone who has done it.

I wondered if you could post my request on your website or help me make contact with anyone you think might be suitable - their story will be told with sensitivity and respect.

To find out more about my work please log on to www.annamagee.com.

Jumbled mix of thoughts

I've hesitated in posting because I just can't really get a good grasp on where I'm at.

In a prolonged period of delayed gratification of a virtuous and God-given wish, I think it's pretty normal to ask the why question. I think people who lose a loved one ask it. People who long to be married but remain single ask it. People who want to go on the mission field but are prevented ask it. And most certainly, women possessing of a mother's heart ask it.

I've asked it myself over the years, at different times and with varying intensity. Sometimes I'll arrive at an answer that satisfies me. Several years ago, early in our TTC journey, DH admitted something to me that really rocked our marriage. So for a while, I was grateful that God held off satisfying the desire for children while DH and I worked through that issue and rebuilt the trust that was lost.

After the shock of our initial diagnosis of permanent infertility wore off, we were grateful that God had heightened our desire for children so much as to pursue medical care, as we discovered DH's condition, got him on the medicine he needs and potentially warded off serious complications later.

When a friend's wife had an affair and split up their marriage and he moved in with us, I was glad his room was not yet a baby nursery. My brother has also lived in that room twice and even now it is occupied by another friend in a transitional place in life. We couldn't have done that for any of them had we been a household of 3.

Then, when DH lost his job last year, I thought it was because having a baby during a tough transitional time would have been too difficult.

Just recently this spring, I was sure that it was because our friends needed us and with children we would not have been able to drop everything and jump into their lives the way that we did.

And I have been grateful for all of those things. I really truly have. I appreciate the other prayers God has answered, the opportunities He's given us, the protections He's granted, the growth He's directed. But again, I'm back to asking "why?"

I'd previously always dismissed thoughts like "God doesn't let you have kids because He knows you'd be a terrible parent" or "You don't really want a child-you want a baby. You would get tired of it quickly." I've never allowed myself to think that way because in my head, I knew it wasn't true--that God didn't work that way and that my desires weren't that shallow or short. But honestly, with all other options exhausted, I felt like there was no other explanation.

Then I jumped in to caring for our friends' kids every day-getting them up and making them breakfast, getting them ready for the day, playing with them, taking them on errands and outings, getting them in and out of strollers and carseats, taking them grocery shopping, disciplining them, playing with them, fixing their lunch, putting them down for naps, fixing their dinners, helping with homework, packing school lunches, giving them baths, doing their laundry, getting them ready for bed, reading them stories, praying with them, comforting them when they cried, singing them to sleep. I did their whole routine, from start to finish, day after day. And I loved it. And I was really, really good at it, just like I knew I would be. And DH was really good at it, too. And I couldn't wait to get up and do it again the next day. So in a way, it was a good encouragement, confirmation of the truth and reminder that I think the desire to parent is well placed in me. But in a sense it made it more difficult-I know we'll make good parents, so what is the hold up? And I guess that continually asking the question and hearing silence in return just gets lonely sometimes. I know I'm not entitled to an answer, but knowing that doesn't really make not having one any easier.

My best friend is pregnant again. January marks 6 years of trying for us. My best friend tried for a year and a half, got pregnant, had our godson at full term, he's 19 months old, and they're pregnant again. And we've still been trying longer than all of that time combined. I have friends who didn't even know their husbands or weren't dating them when DH and I started trying, and yet they're now married and on child #2 or #3. When we started our young married women's group a few years ago, one woman in the group had 1 child. Now 3 of them have 2 kids, a 4th has 1 child and Kim (best friend-part of this group) has 1 born and 1 on the way. And the kicker is that all but one of those women struggled with infertility. I'm literally being lapped in life. I'm standing still, and their lives continue to move on, away from mine. And I hate it. It's lonely, I don't understand, they don't understand, and I just want so desperately to go with them. I remain close with two of the women and of course they include me in their lives and I love and adore them and their children, but it's not the same with their lives there and mine here. And they don't understand that--or they do, and they're just too nice to let it bother them.

Then there's this whole thing with Mike being sick. Once the dust settled and we got into a little bit normal of a routine, it hit me really hard that we came so close to losing him and that there's a realistic possibility that we will lose him sooner than we should. So, that's been emotionally overwhelming in it's own right. But it also compounds my fear that our children will never get to meet or remember certain people who are so important to us. DH's grandparents are in their 80s. My dad and DH's parents are in their mid 60s. I praise God that all of them are healthy and God willing, we have lots of years with all of them left. But even if our kids were born tomorrow, by the time our children would be old enough to really develop relationships and lasting memories, a lot of opportunities will have been lost and there's a chance with any one of them that our kids wouldn't be able to remember them. And that kills me. Kills me. It literally makes me sick to think about and I just can't handle the unfairness.

And I hate that the only thing standing in the way right now is something so earthly and temporary as money. I just want to say "really?" After everything we've been through, something as stupid as money is the hold up??

I'm just exhausted of trying anymore. I'm ready to give up on ever trying again and if not for my children still waiting in a frozen state, I would throw in the towel on this journey. My heart is broken and I no longer believe that God is intending to fix it. I would have been ok with never having children, were it not for the God given desire to have them and the talent to steward them well. It feels like a sick and cruel joke though that He's placed those desires and talents in us and still remains silent. I don't even know how to get back to a place of hope right now. I literally expect God to forever disappoint me on this issue. And I know in my head and in my heart of hearts that that's His right and with my mouth I say that if it's His will, so be it. But I just wish He would take this desire away because I don't know what to do with it anymore. I just don't understand why He would give it to us, just to deny it again and again and again. I feel that no matter what I do to relinquish it to Him or pray about it or leave it alone, or walk away, or try to examine it in a positive light or try to minister to others in it or see the greater good that comes out of it, it continues to hold a power on me that I just can't break free of. I feel like it drives a wedge between me and my friends, me and our families, me and DH, and me and God. I'm only human--I can't force it to stop and it doesn't seem like He will, either. I am utterly helpless. I have nothing left to say or think or pray on the matter.

I read a book the other day and there was a quote in it that I'm really trying to meditate on:

"[She]...wrestled with relinquishing her will to the holy Creator. She stood on the precipice of doubt, clinging to her needs, desires, and goals, which the Lord beckoned her to release...release and fling herself and her future wholly unto his care. In her human weakness she struggled to comprehend that God was fully able to give her more in her release than He could in her clinging."

I do get that in my head. And I've really tried NOT to cling. I've tried to be patient and gracious and forbearing. I just don't know how to do anything different than I've been doing and yet my pain persists without relief.

As I've shared before, I try to tell myself not to ask the why questions. And on good days, I am content with the "because I said so" answer that I've blogged about before. When I am rational and calm and whole-hearted, I understand that God's purpose is better and bigger and more important than my needs and wants, however virtuous they may be. But tonight I'm just a daughter with a broken heart who wants her Daddy to fix everything, and I just don't understand why He won't. I'm trying so desperately to cling to the Character I know is true in spite of my grief, but my broken heart wants more than that. I don't want head knowledge right now, I want ministry to my heart and my brokenness, and I just can't feel it.

God, help me!

Friend's Surgery Update

We didn't get the news we were praying for. They did find another tumor. They were able to get it, but he has a long road in front of him. Thank you for continuing to join us in prayer.

Drive by Posting

Hi Friends,

Thank you for continuing to check in with me. This has been a crazy week. It started off with a trip to the Packers-Cardinals game (not THAT one, the one where the Packers actually won). The tickets were courtesy of dear friends (actually, the parents of sweet Skyler, who I mention here frequently). We had a great time.

Then we hung out with said friends Monday night. Our friend Mike, Sky's dad, has had a couple of brain tumors in the past few years. On Wednesday night I was over there and Mike had an episode that required he be taken to the ER, who decided to admit him. His MRIs show something..they're not sure what. But, one possibility is another tumor. He has surgery tomorrow.

As a result, we and another family from the church became the round-the-clock caregivers for their kids, so his wife could be at his side. So, we've really just not been home this week and I've certainly not had a chance to blog.

We went up to visit with Mike tonight and we got to spend an incredible 3 hours with him. Because of the issues, he's not been quite himself this week and has not always been lucid. But tonight, he spoke with perfect clarity, passion and truth. He spoke of God's greatness and mercy and providence. He extolled God for placing him in the hospital, where he's had the chance to minister and to witness. The hospital staff has been able to witness the great relationships he has with people who love him. Today, while visiting him, the Pastor had the chance to share the love of God with some staff members. Tonight, one of Mike's caregivers, a growing believer, overheard our conversation and enthusiastically jumped in with questions and thoughts of her own. It was incredible. And I was so humbled by the fact that Mike looked beyond his very great suffering and praised God for His purpose in this. How small is my suffering compared to his and how much I still have to learn! So thanks, sweet friend, for a great evening and for teaching us tonight.

But on that note, please pray for Mike. We really love him and he is an integral part of our lives. We're praying very specifically that this "thing" tomorrow is nothing more than scar tissue (or something else equally harmless) and that Mike will be healed, on this earth, from all tumors and cancers and that we all will have many, many more long and healthy years with him. Please also pray for his doctors-that they would be given excellence in wisdom and skill. Please also pray for his wife, children, and extended family, that they would be comforted.

On a much smaller note, we may be moving. It would result in an amazing opportunity for DH's business, but would require a lot of change and stress and work to get there. Would you please just pray for wisdom for us and the other people involved as we make this decision? Thank you!

Edited for clarity: We'd be moving across town, not from the area ;)

Checking in, more thoughts, and thanks for the kindness of "strangers"

Howdy, folks!

I pray you all had a blessed, Merry Christmas!

We got through Christmas and fared a little better than I had expected to. The rest of my birthday ended up going ok-we had a great dinner with my sister-in-law and her hubby, my parents and my brother and that was great fun. We spent Christmas Eve with our church family and Christmas day with my family. Both occasions were also a blessing to us. My sister-in-law was in town briefly, which was a great source of joy for us (the visit, not the brevity ;) ) Their visits are always too short and too far apart.

All independently of each other (and most all without reading this blog), the friends I mentioned from the party in my last post all reached out to us, which was of great comfort to our hearts.

On Monday a package arrived from one of the party guests-the only guest we did not know, as he was the relatively new boyfriend of one of the party goers. We'd not yet had a chance to meet him until the party. We met him and liked him very much but after the party, he was still relatively a stranger since we'd only interacted with him a couple of hours.

When the package came, I thought it was a Christmas ornament for my hubby. (They bonded over this shotgun toting Santa ornament from our game that night). The package was addressed to DH so I gave it to him and went on my merry way. A few minutes later, he came to me with a box and a letter. The letter was a incredibly touching, beautiful letter from said friend about us and our Snowflakes.

Inside the box was this:


One of the hardest parts of a miscarriage or early pregnancy loss is the feeling that the world around you doesn't really know/care/or is affected by the fact that your children existed. They're gone before anyone ever got to know them. There is no funeral or headstone. There are no memories of them. They're just here one day, and gone the next. And life just goes on around you. It's a hard place to be in. Some days I just want to stand up and scream, "my babies were here. I love them. They MATTER!"

I don't think James will ever know what a gift he gave us in acknowledging and remembering our babies with us--all of whom were lost before he even met us. We had given our moms snowflake pendants like mine a couple of years ago for mother's day. Mine was exposed to something that ruined it, and we've not been able to replace it. So on top of the sweet sentiment, it was also a gift to have a pendent again. It honors me when I see our moms wearing theirs...and I feel like I'm honoring our babies when I wear mine. I'd felt quite naked without one, so I am grateful to have one again. So, dear James, thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

This is a season of both joy and mourning for us. We're missing our babies terribly. I miss the girls something fierce, and the loss associated with our newest two babies is something altogether different, and dealing with both simultaneously is difficult.

Due to some fraud committed by the company who used to insure my hubby's employer, and some of that company's clients, we now have a couple thousand dollars in medical bills (from things from this past summer which were supposed to be paid by the insurance)...which has created a stress from the money standpoint but moreover, it's postponed another transfer indefinitely because we don't have the money to pay these bills and pay for another transfer. Considering another transfer is also a couple of thousand dollars, the prospects of any attempts in the near future is bleak. It kills me that not only have we waited 6 years already (January marks the anniversary of when we first started trying), but now we will wait longer through no fault of our own, because someone else (well, lots of someone elses) was unethical. So, I'm discouraged. Waiting is tough.

We're also mourning with friends who both lost their babies in December, too. One is another Snowflake Mommy, Heather, who lost her two babies after their first transfer. And the other is my sweet friend Grace, who lost her babies this week, and who also lost a child last year shortly after we lost our girls. Both friends are very dear to me and my heart is heavy for them. I solicit your prayers on their behalf as they walk in the valley of grief, too.

Dear friends of ours are leaving our church, which distresses me for a variety of reasons, which I won't share here. But it's left me struggling with some questions about the way God directs a family and it's left me heartbroken for one member of the couple, whose heart is torn over their departure.

But, we also have cause for great rejoicing. Over Christmas, one of our very dear friends got engaged (to James, the snowflake giver mentioned above!), and she and her fiancee have asked both DH and I to be in the wedding...which will be in 12 weeks! We are over the moon for them. They have both waited a long time for the "right one" and God has blessed their patience with each other.

Another friend from the same circle is also getting married, the weekend before friend #1. They're a great couple, too. DH is also in that wedding and we are delighted to celebrate with them, as well!

The week prior to that is the main fundraiser for my employer (a fundraiser which I coordinate) and the weekend before that is my mentor's wedding, for which I'm doing the food! So there is a lot of activity and business and cause for celebration. I'm grateful for that--it gives me some distraction. And my heart is full for my friends experiencing such joy in their lives!

Our genetic parents are coming to town this week. We are overjoyed to see them again but doubly excited because they get to meet some of our family members. There's still some chance that they might not come, so we're still praying that they do and then we'll make some fun plans!

I need to scoot off of here and do our end-of-the-year accounting but I did want to check in and update. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. Birthdays were always a big deal in my family and I've always really enjoyed it. I enjoy getting to spend time with my family, to get a break from cooking and dishes, and getting to choose the activities of the day. So, I usually look forward to it.

This year though, the fact that it's my birthday hit me hard. I'm 29 today. That's not old in the grand scheme of life, but it's old in terms of childbearing. I always wanted to be a young mom. I got married at 22. I figured we'd have our first child by 24, another at 26, another at 28 and finish with a 4th at 30. That was my plan. Oh, how different are God's ways.

I guess the realization of the fact that I won't even have 1 child by the time I'm 30 has me down today. Well, that's not true. I have 12 children, and I'm not even 30 years old ;) But, I haven't gotten to meet any of them and won't have had the chance to by that time.

I know 30 is such an arbitrary number. But, I know at that age is when my reproductive system starts to decline. We still have 4 more transfers in front of us. The fact that I could still be doing this when I'm 35-40 (when risks increase for me and baby) scares me. The fact that my nieces and nephews continue to grow older (the oldest is driving!) and thus farther in age from what our kids will be makes me sad because I don't think our kids will really get that cousin experience. Their cousins will be more like Aunts and Uncles to them. The fact that our friends' children all are getting older too so I won't get the joy of our kids growing up together makes me sad, too.

My grandma died at this time of year 12 years ago, so I'm always missing her. The loss of my grandma was one of the single most impacting things that's ever happened. At least my babies are hanging out with her...an opportunity I still miss every day.

I wish I had something profound to say about all this but I don't. I'm just sad tonight. I miss my babies so terribly. I wish I could understand why God chose this path for us. I wish I knew when and if it would ever change. I try not to indulge the "it's not fair" thoughts and the "why" questions...I just can't even go there in my mind and I just try to stay focused on the thoughts I shared already about being content with God as the ultimate answer to every question. But, my heart still aches, even if I can keep my mind arrested.

I did have a really great weekend. We went out of town to help my in-laws pack up to move and we stayed at their house overnight (it's a vacation home) after they left to come home. The house is as nice as any hotel I've ever been in so it felt like we were on a nice little getaway. We went out for a nice supper thanks to the generosity of my in-laws. We took a walk in the mountain air. We went to visit a fantastic Christmas lights display. We just enjoyed each other's company. It was really the first alone time we'd had since "the" phone call last weekend, so it was really nice to just be together.

This morning we were back at church for a wonderful morning. Then we had a terrific lunch with Skyler's family and another family from church where we gave the kids their gifts. It was the first year in a long time that seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child wasn't too painful to enjoy and appreciate. We then traveled up to my in-laws home here in town, where we enjoyed a Christmas celebration with DH's side of the family. It's the first time all of us have been together in a long time, so that was fun. DH's sister and I are close so I'm always grateful for the time I get with her. So we really did have a wonderful, blessed weekend and I am trying to be mindful of that in spite of my sadness.

But, I also know that my God is bigger than my heart, and my mind and my emotions and my sadness. I guess I'm just bringing this to His feet; I really don't even know what else to do with it, or how to process it.

Anyway, those are my ramblings...love to you all. And thank you in advance for any prayers you might get a chance to offer on my behalf!